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Old 01-11-2007, 06:42 AM   #1
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Unhappy I just lost my only child, he was 16

I lost my only child on Nov, 12th, 06 he was only 16 years old. He died in an auto accident just three days after he got his license. He was going too fast for the road and he died instantly by hitting a tree. My whole world is gone because we were very close and had a good relationship. He never gave me any trouble until that day. I am remarried but my son's father and I have consoled each other because he remained very close to my son through out his life. My son went to his fathers house every day after school and then I would pick him up around supper time right up until he died. My son was very close to his father too. Every day the pain gets worse as the shock wears off. Because I'm a teacher I haven't returned back to work. I can't concentrate or stop crying for long enough. Sometimes I think of suicide to be with my son and to stop the pain. I do have alot of friends and my husband to support me but they can't bring my son back, and thats all I want. I think about all the things he will miss out on and what he would have looked like as he aged. I'll never have any grandchildren now. He was so excited the weekend he died because he got his license and went to his first formal dance at his high school. It seemed as though he grew up that weekend, he even cooked his own eggs on the morning he died. I babied him.
Thanks for listening
Dee

 
Old 01-11-2007, 01:55 PM   #2
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Re: I just lost my only child, he was 16

Quote:
Originally Posted by ddyer1
I lost my only child on Nov, 12th, 06 he was only 16 years old. He died in an auto accident just three days after he got his license. He was going too fast for the road and he died instantly by hitting a tree. My whole world is gone because we were very close and had a good relationship. He never gave me any trouble until that day. I am remarried but my son's father and I have consoled each other because he remained very close to my son through out his life. My son went to his fathers house every day after school and then I would pick him up around supper time right up until he died. My son was very close to his father too. Every day the pain gets worse as the shock wears off. Because I'm a teacher I haven't returned back to work. I can't concentrate or stop crying for long enough. Sometimes I think of suicide to be with my son and to stop the pain. I do have alot of friends and my husband to support me but they can't bring my son back, and thats all I want. I think about all the things he will miss out on and what he would have looked like as he aged. I'll never have any grandchildren now. He was so excited the weekend he died because he got his license and went to his first formal dance at his high school. It seemed as though he grew up that weekend, he even cooked his own eggs on the morning he died. I babied him.
Thanks for listening
Dee
Hello, I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I will be praying for your comfort and healing heart. Just know that though he is gone in body, he will always be with you in all aspects of your life. He knows you love him and believe it or not he still knows and needs you. Talk to him, he will hear you. God has so many different plans for our lives that we don't understand and we suffer so much. Nothing can replace him, it never will, but you can see him in all the things you shared together. Just remember what your life would have been liked if you hadn't had those 16 years. Those are a gift, cherish them, and let them guide you day to day, till you are with your son once again, and you will be someday in heaven. Hope this hleps

 
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Old 01-11-2007, 02:14 PM   #3
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Re: I just lost my only child, he was 16

I am so sorry. You are living every mothers nightmare. My heart goes out to you ,and my thoughts and prayers are with you.... Kathryn

 
Old 01-11-2007, 05:33 PM   #4
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Re: I just lost my only child, he was 16

Hi there, I truly do feel your pain and know exactly what you are going thru. I, also lost a 16 yr. old son in a car accident. He was killed the day after his 16th birthday in the car that his dad gave him for his birthday. He gave it to him on his 16th birthday around 7:00pm which was on a Friday. By 7:00pm on Saturday, he was gone forever. It was a freak accident, nobodys fault, no other vehicle involved, just going too fast and being an inexperienced driver. This was 20 years ago. Time really does help, you will never....get over this loss, but it will get easier to bear. My thoughts and prayers will remain with you. It might help to get some counseling...I did, please don't do anything like hurt yourself...your son would not want that for you. Blessings to you.
brenwill

 
Old 01-12-2007, 02:05 AM   #5
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Re: I just lost my only child, he was 16

Quote:
Originally Posted by ddyer1
I lost my only child on Nov, 12th, 06 he was only 16 years old. He died in an auto accident just three days after he got his license. He was going too fast for the road and he died instantly by hitting a tree. My whole world is gone because we were very close and had a good relationship. He never gave me any trouble until that day. I am remarried but my son's father and I have consoled each other because he remained very close to my son through out his life. My son went to his fathers house every day after school and then I would pick him up around supper time right up until he died. My son was very close to his father too. Every day the pain gets worse as the shock wears off. Because I'm a teacher I haven't returned back to work. I can't concentrate or stop crying for long enough. Sometimes I think of suicide to be with my son and to stop the pain. I do have alot of friends and my husband to support me but they can't bring my son back, and thats all I want. I think about all the things he will miss out on and what he would have looked like as he aged. I'll never have any grandchildren now. He was so excited the weekend he died because he got his license and went to his first formal dance at his high school. It seemed as though he grew up that weekend, he even cooked his own eggs on the morning he died. I babied him.
Thanks for listening
Dee
Hello Dee,
I'm sure you've been told everything you are feeling is normal, in fact you are probably sick of it. I lost my 13 year old son in a car accident on the 3rd of January last year. I was standing right beside him next to our broken down van, when I saw a truck heading towards us. I told him to run, and then I jumped. I know exactly what you are going through, cause ive been there before. All i can say you have the strength to survive. After the accident, I felt like someone had this huge roulette wheel, and it had all the emotions possible written on it, and someone kept spinning that wheel. 1 minute i was happy, then sad, angry, depressed.. the whole spectrum of emotions.

All the well meaning people say all the same things, but they feel like just empty words. I would thoroughly recommend you look up a support group for grieving parents. They really helped me. The Compassionate Friends is one such organisation. Its a group for parents who have lost a child. They can support you and show that you are not alone in this club that nobody wants to join. They have access to a lot of litrature on the grieving process, as well as some brochures that you can hand your friends to help them help and understand what you are going through.
Peer support, just talking to someone who has been there, who knows the pain in your heart. So many people have said to me, "i can't imagine the pain you are going through". My reply is always the same, I don't want them to imagine, I don;t want them to even begin to imagine. I wouldn't wish this pain on my most worst enemy.
Worst still are the people who say" he is still here in spirit". I don't want him in spirit, I can't play monopoly with his spirit, or go bike riding with it, or have those long conversation about life and the world that we used to have.

Here in Australia we have a group called National association for grief and loss. (N.A.L.A.G.) They gave me free counselling sessions to talk about how i was coping. It helped just to talk to someone who wasn't personally involved.
I guess what i'm trying to say is that talking is very helpful. Write it in a place like this, write it in a diary, go to the top of the mountain and scream it at the top of your voice. Get all those emotions and thoughts and release them.
Don't feel that you are unusual, or going mad. I know i thought i was for a while, in fact i welcomed it, I wanted it, Just wanted to collapse into a ball and let my mind slip away.
Find a hobby, get a pet, find something that just lets your mind off the hook. I personally found playing a playstation 2 game, Burnout 3, that I had bought for Zac for christmas a great therapy. I just sat down and the aim of the game was to crash cars for money. It may seem strange to everyone, especially considering the circumstances of Zac's death, but i just took my mind off the hook for a while and played.
You can and will survive. You may not feel like it or even want to, but you will.
and your life will never be the same. Accept the grief, don't try to fight it.

Grief comes in one size, Extra Large.
If we tuck it away in the bottom drawer
where it never sees the light of day,
it remains exactly the same.
On the other hand,
if we wear it, feel it, talk about it,
and share it with others,
it is likely that it will become faded, shrunk and worn,
or will simply no longer fit.
When grief has served its purpose,
we are able to recognize the many gifts we have gained.
Dianne Arcangel

Your journey has just begun, there will be many hills and valleys along the way. Where and what the final destination is, nobody really knows.

Yours in the journey
Leif

 
Old 01-12-2007, 07:13 AM   #6
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Re: I just lost my only child, he was 16

Hi thanks for the sharing, it helps to hear from someone with a similar loss. I'm curious how long did it take you to not think about him all the time? How does it feel when you think about him now? Have you had any spiritual visits from him?
Thanks Dee

 
Old 01-12-2007, 02:51 PM   #7
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Re: I just lost my only child, he was 16

Quote:
Originally Posted by ddyer1
Hi thanks for the sharing, it helps to hear from someone with a similar loss. I'm curious how long did it take you to not think about him all the time? How does it feel when you think about him now? Have you had any spiritual visits from him?
Thanks Dee
Honestly, i haven't reached the stage where i don't think about him all the time. Maybe i never will. What has changed is the pain. It does change. I can remember going through all the denial. In fact, there is a still small part of me that refuses to accept it. There were days when i would just break down and scream and cry, wanting Zac to come back. I can't tell you when it changed. It is a slow gradual thing, a few less tears each day.
My situtation is slightly different from yours. My ex-wife and my 4 other children were all involve the accident. They were all inside our van when the truck hit it. The other children weren't serioulsy injured. My two daughters were in the rear of the van and it was on that day i realised your don't need to win a million dollars to win the lottery. The van was smashed some 30 meters up the road and ended up against a tree. Nobody who has seen what is left of the van can believe anyone got out alive. My ex was more seriously injured, she spent about 6 months in hospital, and lost about 20% movement in her left arm and is now in constant pain.
So I had to take care of my 4 children as well as dealing with all the grief.
I know i fell into a routine of being a "brave male" through the day, get the kids into bed and then break down. It was a coping mechanism. Then it changed to breaking down every 2nd day, then once a week. The pain was still there, images of the accident came into my head at the slightest provacation. I guess i just started to cope with it better.
Of course we have gone through all the firsts now. the first easter without him, his 14th birthday, the first christmas and the anniversary of the accident.
All the emotions came back with a vengeance.
I wish i could say to you, its all better now. It doesnt get better, you just learn to cope with it better. Your life is now changed forever. I don't look at the world in the same way. I find it hard to watch the news or read the papers. When I hear of another young death, my heart screams. I take less things for granted.
My guiding philosphy in life has always been that everything happens for a reason. There is a lesson to be learned from everything that happens in your life. What possible lesson could i have to learn that means my son had to die? I don't know. I don't want to know. Maybe someday I will accept it.
I have been agnostic for many many years. I have my own belief system, not too different from traditional christianity, but more towards eastern beliefs such as buddism. I believe in re-incarnation. I beleive my son had learned all the lessons he had to learn in this lifetime, and it was time for him to move on.

Whatever your faith or belief system is, it is somewhere you can draw your strength from. Draw strength from your friends, family and partner. Don't be afraid to say that you aren't coping. Talk about your son, tell people it's ok for them to talk about him. Don't let his death be the only thing you can think about when you hear his name. I miss Zac with all my heart. He was more than a son, he was my mate. We were so much the same in so many ways. I think about all that i have lost. Not getting to see him grow up into the confident young man i knew he would be. Not seeing him graduate, get married or have kids of his own.
If and when you feel like you can, maybe you can use his death as your strength to do something positive. The one thing i found after Zac's death was a great lack of places for fathers to express their grief and talk to other fathers. My dream is to create an orginisation to help fathers cope. Somewhere where they know they can let down their guard, drop the brave male act and grieve. I feel it is a good way to honour Zac's life. He always wanted to help people. At his funeral, instead of flowers we took donations which we gave to World Vision to help african children, something he always wanted to do. Even his school helped, They had a coin donation day and raised nearly $500.
Please remember, you are not on this journey alone.

Yours in the journey
Leif

 
Old 01-14-2007, 03:40 PM   #8
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Re: I just lost my only child, he was 16

Quote:
Originally Posted by ddyer1 View Post
I lost my only child on Nov, 12th, 06 he was only 16 years old. He died in an auto accident just three days after he got his license. He was going too fast for the road and he died instantly by hitting a tree. My whole world is gone because we were very close and had a good relationship. He never gave me any trouble until that day. I am remarried but my son's father and I have consoled each other because he remained very close to my son through out his life. My son went to his fathers house every day after school and then I would pick him up around supper time right up until he died. My son was very close to his father too. Every day the pain gets worse as the shock wears off. Because I'm a teacher I haven't returned back to work. I can't concentrate or stop crying for long enough. Sometimes I think of suicide to be with my son and to stop the pain. I do have alot of friends and my husband to support me but they can't bring my son back, and thats all I want. I think about all the things he will miss out on and what he would have looked like as he aged. I'll never have any grandchildren now. He was so excited the weekend he died because he got his license and went to his first formal dance at his high school. It seemed as though he grew up that weekend, he even cooked his own eggs on the morning he died. I babied him.
Thanks for listening
Dee
oh my goodness i am so sorry for your loss i am 16 myself and just recently got my licence i always think o how i my life could be over in a flash if im not careful but i do have to tell you that u should put everything in GODS hands and he will take care of you from ther i lost my aunt when i was 9 and my grandma always told me to leave everything to GOD and things will take its corse the way they should i am so sorry that you are feeling this way i know nothing i say or do will bring back your son but everyday is a day closre to your son and i hope that you will soon feel better i hope that you can soon return to work and feel alittle better God Bless you

 
Old 02-05-2007, 11:13 PM   #9
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Re: I just lost my only child, he was 16

I so hope my girlfriend registers and is able to connect with you. Since I found your post ... I've forwarded a link to her. You have so much in common. She - like you - is a teacher. She lost her beautiful 18 year old son in a car accident in August. You didn't say anything in your post that I haven't heard her say. There is nothing I can do to lessen her pain - though I would give anything to be able to. It would be so nice if the two of you could communicate.

My thoughts are with you.

 
Old 02-07-2007, 10:16 PM   #10
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Re: I just lost my only child, he was 16

ddyer1

I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. I can't even imagine what you are going through right now. We are not suppose to bury our kids first. I wish that I could say something to help, but I wanted you to know that your in my thoughts and prayers. There is no time limit when it comes to grieveing. I lost my Dad and Sister in 2004 and I still think about them everyday. I just lost my Mom March 2006 and she is constantly on my mind. but it does get easier as time goes by. God seen to it that I only gave birth to one baby and my baby boy is 31 years old and I can't imagine ever having to bury him. It's just not fair!

God Bless You,
Jan

 
Old 07-24-2007, 10:48 AM   #11
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Re: I just lost my only child, he was 16

Dear Dee:

I am so sorry for your loss. My only child, a daughter (age 18) died on March 2, 2004. It is a loss too devastating for words. I hope you have found some greater measure of peace since your post. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

 
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