I know it hurts; I lost my mom last summer. Hope you have some folks to talk to about your feelings. It is not good to hold this all inside, as it does not go away simply because we repress it.
And please be careful of not over-imbibing the strong drink as it can become a problem in itself. We are at risk for this when holding strong emotions buried deep inside. This wreaks havoc with brain chemistry, making emotions more extreme.
Find safe people with which to commesurate. Also, it helped me to keep a journal of all my feelings/thoughts/memories about her. Set aside a time when you're not likely to be interrupted. The thing is, you want to give yourself permission to just feel the pain. It will hurt, but it will not do you in. Just feel it. It doesn't subside until or unless you just feel it.
I find also that listening to sad songs helps me to get in touch with the pain, to bring to the surface whatever I might be hiding within.
Good luck & please be aware that there are sympathetic folks here with which to share your pain...people who know what you're going through and are willing to share & listen without judgement. I find it helps tremendously just simply to be heard.
Take care & watch out for the strong drink; you are most vulnerable to its seductive influence at times of loss. It's not what you need just now. You need to just give yourself permission to feel the loss in a safe & non judgemental environment.
And also if you have a faith/religion/spiritual practice, now is a good time to cultivate this, as well.
Good luck & please know that you are not alone