Hello everyone: I lost my precious husband of 24 years on July 1, 2006. He was quite a bit older than me and suffered from a blood disorder and dementia. We did not have any children as it was a second marriage for both of us. He has two grown daughters from his first marriage and I have no children. He was my whole life and was the kindest, sweetest man I've ever known.
My grief is overwhelming, and I also suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder, which complicates matters. My husband was a devout Christian. I am a Christian as well, but my relationship with God is clouded by the OCD as a lot of my obsessions are religious in nature.
To get to the point, my grief is also compounded by irrational guilt. I feel his illness was some sort of discipline for MY sins. I constantly obsess that everything I enjoy is sin and that I should have given up these enjoyments. Some of these things include: movies, secular music (Sarah Brightman, Andrea Bocelli, Celine Dion), TV shows and, most of all, my interest in fashion and my rather large collection of fashion magazines such as Vogue and Harper's Bazaar. I had this obsession that if I got rid of all these things that maybe God would heal my husband. The trouble was I could not do it. I did manage to throw out some older magazines and catalogs, but not nearly all of them. Because of my inability to do so, I thought I was making idols of these things and this is why God would not heal my husband. Now, in addition, to profound grief, I am tortured that now I will never know if he could have been healed because I did not get rid of these items.
I even consulted a therapist who also happened to be a Christian, and he told me there was no connection between my husband's illnesses and my secular interests. He termed it magical thinking in an attempt to control the uncontrollable. He also said most of obsessive compulsive disorders centers around control.
Anyway, I hope someone can help me, because I cannot go on much longer being tortured by guilt.
Kathy everyone has a faith or beleif in something and I am sure that the God you beleive in is a loving God, and you know he would allow us to live a life, experiencing real things the same as our friends and neighbours. Tell me a lady that doesnt have an interest in fashion, if we think we look good we feel good, that is not a sin it is self esteem, and god would not have punished you for that by taking your husband. Your loving husband was ill, illness is not a punishment from God it is a physical thing that each and everyone of us goes through at some time throughout life, sadly the docs couldn't fix your husband just like they couldnt fix my dad. Your OCD is also an illness and you should seek help with it. But most of all you must allow yourself a life and not hold yourself guilty or responsible for your husbands passing, having fashion mags did not take him away from you
love n hugs
Thank you loboo and coyotebound for your encouraging replies. They were well-taken and I appreciate that you took the time to reply. I would have written sooner to thank you, but I was waiting to see if I would receive any other comments, but I don't think that I will. Hopefully, the posters of this board will not think me "crazy" as OCD is an anxiety disorder, and the anxiety and irrational thoughts intensify during times of extreme stress and sadness.
The good thing is that I was on Zoloft for the depression and the obsessions, but it seemed that it was no longer as effective, and I was also getting physical symptoms such as shoulder and back pain most likely stemming from the depression. My therapist put me on Cymbalta which is supposed to help not only depression but the physical symptoms as well. I've only been on it for a week, but already my back feels so much better and I do not have such intense headaches. The only thing is that it makes me feel kind of numb as far as the grief is concerned. I don't cry as much, and I really am not sure that I want to be finished grieving. I mean I still miss my husband terribly and want him back, but it's kind of different since I've started this medication.
I hope you are both doing okay. Coyote, I did read some of your previous posts and I feel sorry that you have heart problems. Loboo I have not yet had a chance to look at your posts, but I will. Please take care and, once again, thank you for your concern.
Hi Kathy I am pleased to read that the medication is helping you a little better. I understand OCD as we beleive my mum had it when i still lived at home, she never went to the doctors and I think it wasn't talked about back in the late 80's but we got through. It is good that you realise you are now greiving in a slightly different way too, numbness is still part of greif, I felt numb for a while after Dad passed, along with a mix of lots of other emotions. You will find comfort on these boards .... I did
Love n hugs
Hi Kathy Just like to send you my love, I lost my dear mum a year ago yesterday and I hurt so much.My mum was 61 years old my dad was also 61 when he died!! I am so lonely, I am 42 years old and I cry like a baby, I feel so down!!
I have been with my husband 22 years and I would hate to think of live without him. I will pray that God will give you the strength that you need at this time in your life...God Bless...Mandy