I feel like my whole world is being torn apart.
In 2005 my uncle was diagnosed with cancer. I'd never been close to him, we didn't live close. But for a year or so before he got cancer I'd started getting to know him better and he was truely a fantastic man. Things started getting better, we thought the cancer was going to go but we were wrong. Christmas 2005 the family came to visit and he seemed better. My parents said at the time that he looked really ill and they didn't think he was going to make it. I refused to believe it and went on being happy that he looked better when now I can see my parents were right, he was looking extremely ill. Just a month or so later he was gone. At the time it felt like the hardest thing I'd ever had to go through. I still feel dreadful about it but the pain has eased I suppose.
Around the same time my uncle was diagnosed with cancer a very close family friend was also diagnosed with cancer. Again, he seemed to be getting better. The day before Christmas eve 2005 he was told by the hospital he should go home and enjoy Christmas because things were looking brilliant, he was going to get better. They were wrong. By May last year he was gone too.
Since then I've blanked it out. It's like it hasn't happened. I refuse to think about it.
Today things have just become too much. My mum told me my friend had died. She had a severe asthma attack last week and is gone. I thought what I felt when my uncle died was bad but this is just way more than I've ever felt in my entire life. As my mum was telling me I felt like my heart was going to explode, I got so dizzy I thought I was going to pass out and now it's like I'm so tired I just want to sleep and blank the pain out. She didn't deserve this, she didn't deserve it at all. I haven't seen her in a few months now I feel soooo guilty. Why did this have to happen, why have 3 people died in the last year. I'm devastated, totally devastated. It feels as though my whole world is crumbling. I just feel so strange and confused. One minute I want to break down and cry, the next I'm trying to blank it and pretend it's not happening.
Don't know what to do