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Old 04-08-2007, 10:03 AM   #16
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Karen W. HB User
Re: getting sick of "it will get better"

I read your post before I went to bed last night and it has stuck with me all day. I'm glad you were there for him in his finial monets of life, your love for each other was very strong, this is not the way we wanted our life to be but we don't have that choice. My husband works in a hospital, he has worked in the ER and not is on the heart floor, many of his patients from the last 20 years have died and they did CPR to bring them back to life, many of them share this story, they claim that when they died, they floated out of there body and was floating above them, they could tell who did the CRP, who got the crash cart, who injected the meds, they they talk about a bright light, My husband husband says, how would they know who did what when they are at that point dead, he has heard the same thing many of times, so I truely believe that we do live on and hee waiting for you. I hope this story did not upset you, i find it comfortong. Just so you know, I lost my Fahter 7 years ago and I think of him eveyday-yes everyday, I miss him so much, I was a Daddy girl, he will always be a part of me, holidays are hard, he loved holidays. I'm glad you have opened up on this board and I know it's hard to deal with and your broken heart and try to raise you 2 boys, I give you allot of credit, your a good Mom, one more thing, if you don't get the insurance money in the next week, get an attorney, your home should not be losing your home because they can't pay up,.
Karen W.

 
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Old 04-09-2007, 07:23 PM   #17
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bcwooley HB User
Re: getting sick of "it will get better"

Your life and mine really parallel each other. I was married to 2 wife beaters befor my last husband. He was the love of my life. He lived to make me happy, bringing me flowers, spoiling me rotten because" You have had enough misery. It is time you were spoiled rotten." He was my protector my lover my rock. He was right beside me when my Mother died and I thought I would never stop crying. I was with him through 2 1/2 years of Kemos, radiation all kinds of treatments, colapsed lung because of the biopsy. The times he couldn't eat or sleep and all the pain. He died at my house not in a hospital somewhere because that is what I wanted. He has been gone one year and almost 2 months and I still cry and can't figure out why God had to take the good one. I tried to bargain with God to take one of the mean ones but I guess He didn't want them either. Please try to hold on and cling to your children. They can help you get a perspective on life. I have 2 dogs, a Yorkie and a little poodle that he bought for me and I can tell you, if they didn't need me I would have joined Bill a long time ago. Let your children be your strength. Thank you for reading.

 
Old 04-13-2007, 09:01 AM   #18
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jason74 HB User
Re: getting sick of "it will get better"

My wife and best friend died last year. I was hurting so bad and didn't know what to do. Somedays I felt I was literaly going crazy. I knew I had to make a choice. I could either die right now too, or I could choose to live and make the best of the time that God gives me. I choose to live for God. My life has more meaning and purpose now than it ever did before. I understand why I am here....to glorify God. Its not about us, nor would God give us something we couldn't handle. We can't handle it alone, but with God anything is possible. I got down on my knees one day and cried my eyes out to God. That was a turning point for me. I choose not to be in control of my life but rather let God be in control. Do I still feel the pain sometimes...sure I do. Do I miss my best friend...sure I do. Do I wonder why God took my wife...No. I can't begin to comprehend or understand his ways. I just walk by faith and trust in him. He has rewarded me beyond measure since my wife died. Trust in him with all your heart and he will not let you down.

Draw your strength from God!!

Jason

 
Old 04-14-2007, 12:34 PM   #19
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Trish17 HB User
Re: getting sick of "it will get better"

"It will get better" is not a helpful or supportive term. However, your heart will stop hurting. The empty place never goes away, but it does stop hurting. My son died 7 years ago, and it took almost 2 years for my heart to stop hurting. I am so thankful to know how happy he is. Whenever I cry, it gives me joy to remember that God has him now. I would love to hear him say, "Mom, I could never leave this place. I love you, but I'm joyful in heaven." I would never even want to pull him back into this world.

I hope your heart will stop hurting. It helps to talk face to face with people who have lost spouses. If people haven't experienced the same pain, they just can't understand the feeling, no matter how much they love you. It helped to talk with other parents whose children had died. Even if no words are spoken, you know they understand the exact pain you have.

Try to think of how joyful he is. God bless you!

Trish

 
Old 04-29-2007, 01:21 AM   #20
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depressed4ever HB User
Re: getting sick of "it will get better"

Lost,

I dont have much to add or advice to give. But I wanted to say that I saw your post and know ALMOST exactly how you feel. I read your words and it sounded like you were repeating things ive said to people, phrase for phrase. I've lost someone too and it sucks! but your sentences about being alone, about it not getting better, about the drugs making it "tolerable" but never taking the pain away....are my exact thoughts. I pray things will improve for you. I dont know how they will but Im hoping for your sake. I just want you to know that there is someone on the west coast who feels your pain. and I'm thinking about you.

 
Old 04-29-2007, 05:15 PM   #21
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Manda627 HB User
Unhappy Re: getting sick of "it will get better"

I know I dont know what it is like to lose my husband but I also lost my best friend.. He was my eldest brother. I seen him all the time and one day he didnt wake up. I never even got to say goodbye!! On top of dealing with my brothers death I found out I was pregnant and lost my baby a month later. Its very very hard for me to even get out of bed somedays. My brother passed away December 5th 2006 and I still have not even gone back to work. I feel for you and dont hesitate to post your feelings. I know its hard to be by yourself. God bless you and know that everything happens for a reason and it is not apparent right now in time. You may never know. I still try to figure it out. God Bless and feel better!!

 
Old 04-30-2007, 05:05 AM   #22
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Nyxie63 HB UserNyxie63 HB User
Re: getting sick of "it will get better"

It's been a little over 12 years since I lost both my son and daughter in a car accident. Since then, I've realized the pain never goes away. It's always there. You just get used to it. The pain has become a part of who I am. It's mine; I own it.

I have found one thing that has helped. Some time after the accident, I came to a realization. How can I honor their lives if I give up on my own? Would they want me to live out the rest of my days spending all my time grieving them? Or would they want me to go out and experience all the things they no longer had the opportunity to do?

So I've tried to look at the world as I imagine it through their eyes. I've tried to live as they would have - with wonder and enthusiasm.

It hasn't been easy. Grief raises it's ugly head. My own personal insanity brought on by the loss of the children hasn't been fun to deal with. Nervous breakdown, PTSD, depression, various anxiety disorders, etc.

But still I try. I owe it to them.

 
Old 04-30-2007, 10:13 AM   #23
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Psimer HB User
Re: getting sick of "it will get better"

My mother died 3 weeks ago. I take 300 mgs of Effexor XR, and I have added 125 mgs of Seroquel just so I can sleep at night. What I am feeling is not depression, it is grief. They are so totally different. But they are stress related so I understand where you are coming from.

My mom just died. She was 81 years old and doing well. She went to sleep and never woke up. I was there with my sister and father and I still think that we are in shock about what happened. My father has reached the stage where he is angry. He planned his entire life that he was going to die first and then my mom. He made all of the financial arrangements to benefit her and now she is gone. He's mad at her for not exercising more and not taking a baby aspirin every day. He isn't ready to accept the fact that she just died and it had nothing to do with any medication or exercise that she could have done. She outlived all of her siblings by 14 years.

It's not easy. It's never going to be easy but some days will be better than others. That's what I hope for. That's what I live for.

Sara

 
Old 11-26-2007, 04:05 PM   #24
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lainey4 HB User
Re: getting sick of "it will get better"

Hi Im new to using message board so bare with me.I lost my wonderful husband last year while living in Dubai.Yes everyone says it will get better but it doesnt. In fact ive learnt since that the second year is worse than the fitrst. Icant imagine ever being happy again.

 
Old 11-27-2007, 03:21 PM   #25
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Shirley M HB User
Thumbs up Re: getting sick of "it will get better"

I too lost my husband in Sept. 11.2007. I am sorry that we are all going through such terrible pain BUT life must go on!
Did you ever wonder WHY your mate died and you lived on? Well I have and I believe that the answer to that is; God still has work for us to do. I know that without GOD that there is NO way that I could live and go on with my life. BUT on the other hand "Why would anyone WANT to go on without Christ Jesus to hold our hand? I want to spend the rest of my life serving God in what ever way that I can.
Like Jason said We can either die right now OR we can choose to LIVE and make the best of what ever time that God gives us.

My husband was 73 when he died,he had Cirrohsis of the Liver and never drank in his life. He was the Pastor of our church. NOW how ironic is that?
His job was done ! BUT my job is not done,and I live each day in hopes that some how, someway God will show me what I need to do to serve him better.

People say I can't live without my mate BUT yes we can do anything through God who comforts us. You say OH he didn't comfort me but we have to humble ourselves and kneel at his feet and ASK him to comfort us. We are so full of the misery that Devil puts us through that we can't make room for Jesus Christ to come into our life to give us what is so pure and free,JUST for the asking. There is no cost !

I for one will serve the LORD!
Love Shirley

 
Old 11-28-2007, 02:27 PM   #26
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angel72 HB User
Re: getting sick of "it will get better"

Dear Lost Wanderer,
First, I am truly sorry for your loss. I posted here not too long ago because I lost my finace to brain cancer last summer and I took care of him for 10 months before he died. He was only 30 and the indignities he suffered haunt me. I too am tired of other people telling me that I should be feeling better and that I am too young to give up on life. I don't want my heart ripped out again either. I don't know what else to say except that I was moved by your post because what you wrote comes so close to how I feel- no one understands, no one can make it better and I am tired of people telling me that I will magically forget seeing someone too young to die suffer the way he did and that it will all be sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. I don't know if I will feel differently down the road, but I do know that right now I too have become a great fake to those around me who want me to be all better. I have been having more good days than bad and that is a blessing, but I so resent others trying to put pressure on me or convince me that I should be feeling differently than I am.I also understand your lack of access to support- I actually live in Olean and know how isolated you are in East Otto. I hope that this forum is of some comfort to you. I will start checking here more to see how you are doing.

 
Old 12-23-2007, 02:29 PM   #27
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clark57 HB User
Re: getting sick of "it will get better"

I'm also getting sick of "it will get better," mainly because it hasn't. My husband died in late September. Now I look back at those first few weeks after he died with something like nostalgia. There's a good deal to be said for being numb and operating on auto pilot.

Although my circumstances were far different than yours, Lost..., at essence it's all the same. So painful and sad and lonely. I think that's the feeling I have most often--loneliness. And knowing I don't have my best friend and safe harbor to comfort my grief. Instead he's the person who's died and is not here.

At first I was struck by the fact so few people knew what to say to me, most avoided me or avoid speaking about his death. And absolutely no one said his name aloud. Which for me, made it all the sadder and more lonely. We'd been together more than 30 years--of course I still think and speak of him all the time.

Anyway, as the well-wishers continue to say "it will get better" I remember they have to say and think that, otherwise how could they stand knowing someday they'll also face the deaths of loved ones? Surely the whole phrase is designed to reassure themselves that it will get better, because if it didn't, what would inspire them, or us, to go on.

I try to be patient with all the advice. But it's not easy.

 
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