Ya know what? It doesn't get better. Its been a year and almost 5 months. I lost my husband at 33 to sclc. He died in my arms at home. A vision that will never leave my mind. Me putting his oxygen mask on his face and screaming and crying don't you leave me. You fight this. One minute he's sitting up talking to me and with a blink of an eye....he's gone. The last thing he said to me was "I love you". He was my best friend. My everything. The world revolved around him. When I lost him I lost myself...and haven't found me since.
You learn how to fake it around people. How to put on a smile and you're dying inside. The friends you thought you had...suddenly disappear into their own busy lives and you're left all alone. ALL ALONE. You get on your knees everynight in tears and beg God to take the pain away. But it doesn't go away.
If I hear one more time it will get better I might have to kill someone. You wander through the days waiting for the day to be over. One more day is one more day closer to Jeff. He had faith that could move mountains. Mine is slipping. Every day is like torture and no one ever understands. Then you start to think..what did I do wrong? Maybe I didn't do enough? What could I have done different? I loved him with all that I had, why isn't that enough?
I took care of him the last 2 months when he couldn't walk, he couldn't even make it to the bathroom. I did everything I possibly could do. I would do it all over again if I had to. But only for him.
I'm still fighting for his life insurance or I could lose my house. The thing he worked so hard for. You get tired of it all. I'm fighting for his integrity because he can't.
In November it will be a 2 years. So when exactly is it suppose to get better?? When??
I made a recent post with no intention of ever writing again…until I read you.
Sadly many people avoid the grieved out of embarrassment. I am sure you’re aware there is an abundance of help so talking with your general practitioner is an excellent start.
In the meanwhile…
The pain in losing someone is real and very great indeed. Time probably does not heal anything but I am absolutely certain that it does make the pain more tolerable, but its difficult know how long it will take. I can only offer my understanding and willingness to listen to whatever you pour onto these pages and I encourage you to do just that. I am listening.
I am of the distinct opinion that when someone dies they don’t just disappear from life. To live in the hearts of others, even if it is only you, is not to die at all.
We live in world that can fundamentally change in the very next moment; but what we leave behind, our memory, does not have to go away simply because we do. Perhaps among life’s most valuable lessons is to learn not to waste a single opportunity to plant a memory in the heart of another. We should remember that a man who keeps his hands inside his pockets can never shake the hand of another and I regret to admit my hands are in my pockets far too often.
“I’ll meet you ‘round the bend my friend, where hearts can heal and souls can mend…”
I wish you well this day. Until again, I am listening…
I lost my best friend about 10 years ago, she had been like a sister for me when things were very rough. I know what you feel like and no, you will never forget your husband and what he was to you and there will be always times when you still hurt from the loss. I too will tell you that it will eventually get to the point where the pain is tolerable...you will be able to look back without crying and smile at the happy times you both had.
I think the grieving porcess is different for everyone and others take longer to start feeling a bit better. If you think you are depressed (which is very possible given the circumstances), your doctor can help you.
You mentioned having faith. I also believe that those who pass on literally do just that...they go from one life to another, they may have gone from your sight, but they have not 'gone' in the sense of no longer existing and I believe we will see them again one day.
Here is a poem that comforted me at the time my friend died, I hope it might give you some comfort too.
Parable of immortality ( A ship leaves . . . )
I am standing by the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze
and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength,
and I stand and watch until at last she hangs like a peck of white cloud
just where the sun and sky come down to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says :
- 'There she goes!
Gone from my sight - that is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull and spar
as she was when she left my side
and just as able to bear her load of living freight
to the places of destination.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.
And just at the moment when someone at my side says:
- 'There she goes! ',
there are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout :
- 'Here she comes!'
Thank you for your replies. I had to laugh when you mention your doctor can help. Why do I laugh? I'll tell you. I am on the highest dose of Effexor XR. I am on Cymbalta. I am also on Xanax. At night I take Ambien because I can't sleep.
Pills make it tolerable some days. But it doesn't take it away. So talking to the dr is not an option. I have gone down that road turned around came back took a U-turn and got stuck in reverse.
No one and I mean no one understands. So then you get to the point that you are sick of people feeling sorry for you. So you start to find a place to be when people are around that make you seem you are just so very happy.
Then when you are alone you can be yourself. Who you truly are.
Then you get 2 kids involved. There true father abandoned them, and threw me around when the moment struck him. Jeff was "dad" for them. Well my first dad didn't love me and the one who did died. Life is so fair. So I have my 2 boys, 14, and 10 who do everything possible to not get along with each other. Constant fighting. My 14 year old is as big as I am..so its not a matter of sitting him in a chair.
Ok this is starting to sound like a pity party and that isn't what I wanted. I was there. I was the one there, through chemo, watching them put poison through his veins. I was there 3 times when he was in the hospital for 2 weeks each time. I never, ever left his side. When his lung collapsed I was the one there holding his hand as they told me..he won't make it through the night. He fought his way out every time. Everytime they said he won't make it. I said..yes he will. When he was in ICU and told me I had to leave, I told them. If you think you can move me go ahead. 5'9 and 145 pounds I stood my ground, which I have never done my entire life. I NEVER left his side. I sat in a hospital chair and that is where I slept when I had the chance. Jeff was never an emotional man until he got cancer. When he cried and said I can't leave you..I..me...I was the one who took his hand with tears in my eyes and told him..it's going to be ok. That was me.
You don't understand Jeff was my best friend, when my first husband threw me around it was Jeffs shoulder I cried on. When he had problems with his girlfriend he would come to me and say..what should I do? I married my best friend.
The second before he died. It was me that was there. He told me to talk to him and not stop. So I talked about the day we got married. He closed his eyes and listened. I told him about when we danced and he sang to me. When I stopped talking he opened his eyes and said don't stop. So I went on and talked and talked. Just the two of us sitting on our couch as he was breathing in his oxygen. He looked at me and said "I love you" I told him you don't have to talk, he shook his head yes. 2 seconds later those big beautiful green eyes rolled into the back of his head and he was gone. I knew. But I started screaming , crying, in hysterics begging him not to go. I knew he was gone, but it didn't stop me. I live with that moment every day of my life. I live with that moment of calling his mom who lived 2 houses down, calling her and saying get up here right now. I live with the moment of her walking in the door.....looking at me saying whats wrong? as she looks down at her son, her baby, the third child shes lost to death. I live with the moment of her running over to him saying..no..stop this now..breathe...breathe baby. I can't lose you too. As tears filled her eyes.
As far as what you said about appreciating life. I do EVERY single day of my life. I'll stop and listen when I hear my son laugh. When theres a beautiful sunset I stop and take it in..thinking of Jeff. When someone is a little too old or a little too weak I take their hand and say..let me help you.
Jeff once told me...if the day should ever come and I have to go before you...(a tear ran down his face) he said...I will be waiting for you. I will save you a place right next to me.
I guess I've taken up enough time of who might be reading this. The tears are starting to fall...so I'll end it hear............thanks.
I am so sory for the loss of your loved one and I know the pain your going through. but everybody greifs differently and it doesn't have a time frame on it neither. All we can do is tkae it one day at a time and hope that it gets better. My Mom's one year anniversary is coming up 3-28-07 and she died in my arms also. thats something I will neverforget, but thats the way I wanted it too. We miss our loved ones terribly, but we will see them again someday.
I am also on medications to help me with my nerves, sleeping and depression but I promise you that in time you will see that it will get better. But you have got to try and get your mind on other things also or it will run you crazy and I am not saying that in a bad way. I've been down that road myself, so just try and take it one day at the time and take care of your self too!
Good morning Lostwanderer and all----- First I have to say I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved husband and friend. It is traumatic and devastating to say the least. I wish you didn't feel so alone and that no one understands for there are many that do. You just haven't found them yet except maybe here. Though I have never lost a husband I have suffered many losses in a very short period of time. I have come out of it with PTSD brought on by my daughter's death. First my Dad who I loved dearly as my mother couldn't have cared less if I was there or not, then my daughter, my best friend of 26 years, and my only sister to suicide. I have come to terms with all of these losses though I miss them everyday. All I have come to terms with except my daughter's though I am trying, have been in counseling for almost the duration of time. It will be 10 years this August and it at times feels like yesterday. There are no right or wrong ways to grieve. It is very individual but all must go through the stages of grief to get through it. The hole in your heart never closes BUT you do learn in time how to live with the pain and where to put it in a place in your life that you can live with. So i guess I am another one telling you about time. Time doesn't heal it but does ease the pain. SOme of the pain is replaced with wonderful , happy memories. I am working on 10 years and still am not there yet. Meds have never worked for me BUT i would like to suggest counseling as it has been my saving grace. Also there are many groups as others have mentioned for widows/widowers. They are not for everyone. I cannot remember the stages of grief but do know that you have to go through all of them to gain some peace in your life. As far as your boys fighting that's normal. They hurt too. I put myself aside because my concern was for my other two daughters and my son-in-law who was only 25 when his wife/my daughter passed. I don't suggest you putting yourself aside as I did. I suffered more in the end for prolonging dealing at all. It is a long hard road. You will come across alot of do gooders who always think they have the right words to comfort you. They don't. There are no words to comfort you at this point. All the cliches need to be tossed by the roadside. You need to be involved with professional and people who have been there and truly understand. There is alot of help on these boards. Stick around. we're all here for you.
Thank you for your thoughts. I understand that the ones we love that pass are still "with us" But......we all know, its not the same. Yes, we can feel their love and it always stays with us. But when you can touch them, and feel them and in my case taste their kiss, feel those arms wrapped around you and have them there to wipe that tear away and say..its going to be ok. Holding your hand everywhere you go cuddling up to you at night in bed. It's just so NOT the same. That becomes a big realization when your in bed at night in the dark and staring at the ceiling. Alone.
I do keep busy..ALL the time because if I stop thats when I go crazy. I work as hard as I can at my job and when I am home...well you could eat off my kitchen floor. No matter how busy I am, I think about Jeff the whole time. Whether its thinking of how he winked at me, or would give me that smile, or the moment he died. He's always there in my mind.
I wanted to add something. You all talk about support grief groups. They aren't here where I live. I live in a small little town about 50 miles south of Buffalo, NY. The closest ones are Buffalo. I can not travel 100 miles for a one hour grief session.
You are right about people thinking they know the answers. They don't and I think I have heard just about everything there is to hear. Like "Jeff would be heartbroken over you being so torn up about him" Well..ya think? But he's not here is he so you don't have to worry about it.
Or.." well you knew he was sick" Really? Well until the Lord takes him Himself you have hope. Yes, I knew he was sick but that doesn't mean it wasn't a shock when he died. I never could imagine life without him so why would I start just because he was sick? or "you need to get over and move on" hmm..your husband is still with you..correct? enough said.
No one can tell me when to get over it. Only in God's time and my time. People think I choose to be this way...excuse me..who chooses to be heartbroken? I do the best I can. I'm not a light switch , you can turn it off and on. You just do the best you can. You can't judge another until you've been down the road they're walking on.
I'm rambling again...Thanks for taking the time for your replies. Finally someone isn't listening to me instead of changing the subject on me. Thanks so much..........
Hi Lostwanderer.........having suffered myself I cannot argue with anything you have said. I have come across my share of &^$%(*&# that think they know what they're talking about and how we feel. It used to make me angry or fel that something was wrong with me. I know now it's not me, it's them. they just don't understand and I don't believe try to with there unsolicited advise when they have no clue as to what you feel. One on one counseling has saved my life. Groups sometimes drag me down more. No one can tell you what to do or how to do it. You're right it is your way in in God's time. He is never late. Doesn't matter at all that you knew your dear husband was ill. It's still very fresh for you. I don't even remember the first 2 years after my daughter died. Or for that matter maybe the first 5. I existed. that's all. Now it's almost 10 years and I know I have to go on in a peaceful manner. I am entitled to it and she is entitled to rest in peace. I don't know that I have allowed her to. I have lived in between her world and mine for manyyears and know it's time for me to live in mine only but struggle daily to do it. Always remember there are no right or wrong ways to grieve. It is each individuals right. You need to go through all stages and some take longer than others. The acceptance I believe is the last and doesn't come until much anger is felt. I am here for you. Will check in periodically if you want to talk.
People just don't know what else to say. The ones who have lost someone so dear to them DO understand but know that nothing they say will ease the pain because it didn't help them at the time. Do you see a counsellor?
I find that talking with someone other than friends or family is very liberating- I can say ANYTHING I need to say, cry harder than ever, question, doubt, cry some more- they don't judge it like others do. I highly recommend a LPC (licensed professional counsellor) rather than a psychologist- they are less "clinical" and more caring. They are in the business of HELPING people, and that business exists because people need help with difficulties like yours.
Please consider seeing someone if you aren't already or continue to see them if you are. Find another one if the one you see isn't helpful. The help IS OUT THERE. Use it.
Please don't feel like you are taking up everyones time or that you sound like a "pity party". You are doing the just the right thing - you are writing and writing and pouring it all out. I hope the tears are coming too. It is so therapeutic to cry. I can hear the floodgates opening. Let us be here for you.
I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through and wish I had some magical words that would comfort you. Please keep reaching out, even if it's only here on this board. I lost my grandmother 15 years ago but she wasn't a typical grandma. She, along with my mom, raised my brother and me and we were just so close. She made me feel special every day of my life and I was devastated when she died. I too knew it was coming but it didn't make it any easier to bear. I think I would have fallen apart if I didn't have to be strong for my two daughters. All I can say is that one particular day, I thought of her, as I did every day, and I smiled instead of shedding a tear. For me, even the memories had become too painful. But on that day I think my heart finally started to heal. I still miss her every day, sometimes so badly that it's an ache, but I smile now, and I couldn't before. I wish you peace.
Wow - I lost the Flower in my Garden too. He died in front of me after a car hit him when he was on his motorcycle. I was following in a car behind him with his sister. I ran to his side just as his eyes were closing, I told him I loved him and begged him not to leave me. When the paramedics came and said he was gone I ran. I just ran down the street screaming no, no, no, and then I found a church so I went inside. There was a priest inside and I asked him what I should do, my boyfriend is dead on the sidewalk down the street, tell me what to say. He asked me if I was catholic and I said yes. Then he said "you should know then that there's nothing to do, he's in pergatory and there are no prayers but you would know that if you were a good catholic", so I left and went back to where my love was only to see them zipping up the body bag and taking him away. I had just left an abusive home, he was going to take care of me. I had no where to go. I didn't even have the keys to the house, they were in his pocket or on the bike but I didn't even think of that. His Sister waited until someone could come and get me. And needless to say I'm not a practicing catholic nor religious by any means now.
It was love at first sight for both of us. I've never felt that way before or after him. After he died I tried willing myself to die, then I prayed I was pregnant with his child but that didn't happen either, then I tried willing him to come to me and he did but only in my dreams. They were a little comforting but it didn't take away that deep physical pain in my heart when I woke up in the morning. I too put on the happy face because people around me started to worry. Everyone had that silly look of "are you o.k." - and then after about a year it was "aren't feeling better yet" - then after 2 years "you should try dating again" - Brent was always in my heart and on my mind every day. The first thought when I woke up and the last thought when I finally dozed off.
Years now have passed - I still get depressed around September 19th (the day my flower died) but I did finally marry and have a child. I still talk to Brent and think about his smile and how beautiful he was. I can still see his face in my minds eye. I still have a memory box that I made and take a walk through memory lane with him. I still cry over losing him (like right now) and what could have been my life. I have never gotten over him but I did finally moved on. I don't want to share how long that took because everyone is different and I don't want to make you think that it will take you that long too. I lost a piece of me that day but I have added pieces that I cherish, like my son. You're lucky to have 2 kids - I didn't have the opportunity to have two, I envy you for that. It must be hard for all of you to have lost him. I hope you can all comfort one another and share the wonderful memories of him with each other. I don't have that either and envy you for that too. You sound like a strong woman and we strong women have the ability to survive the hardest things.........and then we have stories to tell to try and help others feel understood. Take care.
I related to alot of things you said so I had to write back and thanks to the others that did too.
I don't want to offend any catholics out there so I will try to choose my words wisely. I am not a catholic. I am a free methodist. I don't believe in purgatory. I believe in scripture that says many things. Like when Jesus told the thief next to him "you will be with me today in paradise" or "to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord" I don't think you should give up on your faith, maybe take a different road. Never in the bible does it talk about where there is a "medium" between heaven and hell. If there is I think we are perhaps already in it. Ok I'll get off religion. If I offended anyone I apologize. We all believe in different things.
I think it is good that you have moved on. But its just something I cannot do. I could never love anyone because I love Jeff too much. Besides it wouldn't be fair to the other person. It's great that you have done it but i can't. He is all I think about, all I dream about. He was the air that I breathe. He was everything to me. Its been a 1 1/2 years and nothing has changed. I still hurt as much as the day he died.
I know deep in my heart that even at being a widow at 33 I will live the rest of my days alone. I feel it and I sense it. I know it. Honestly I wouldn't want it any other way. Also in the long run I will never have to worry about my heart being ripped out by anyone ever again. I pray that the Lord will take care of me in my years to come.
As far as the kids go....biologically they weren't his. They haven't seen their father in 9 years. He was put in prison for severely hurting me and some other crimes. He's out and remarried with another son. But to Jeff my boys were his boys. My youngest son,who was 9 at the time after my husband died said to me "he was the only dad that ever loved me" I broke out crying. Jeff and I were never able to have children together, but I'll tell you this. Our bond together was far greater then the one I had with my ex.
I get as many hours at work as I can because I can't stand the loneliness, the hurt, the pain. It eats me alive most days. On nice days I sit at the cemetary and talk to Jeff. That may sound nuts but I've been called worse I guess.
I know how to fake it and when to fake it. I've gotten real good at it. Everyone has moved on. They dont come visit anymore, they are busy with their boyfriends and husbands and life.
I pray alot. I hope I don't live to be old. Every day that goes by I tell myself its one more day closer to be with the Lord and Jeff. All the wrongs in this world will be made right one day. I have to remember that.
I do my best to help others and be there for people when they need me to be. I would never take back what Jeff and I had. If I had to do it all over again, I would. Those last few months taking care of him were horifying, but for him I would do it again.
Thanks and God Bless.