Hi there. I'm posting this because I just don't know what else to do to help my boyfriend. Or how to get some thicker skin. To be as brief as possible:
We've been dating for two years now. Mostly happy although some difficulty a couple of months ago. Still dating one another though, and seemed to be getting along better "before" she passed away. I loved his mother. Went with him several times to visit family, and made a very nice connection with her.. even helped care for her during our vacation to his parents a few months ago. We got along great.
After her death (which had been approaching for some time), after he returned home (family not local), he called and asked me to come be with him over the weekend. Of course, I wanted to help him in whatever way possible.
Understandably, he was extremely moody.... which progressed to anger---directed some toward himself, but mostly at me!
I stayed up into the wee hours with him talking about fantasy baseball (not my thrill, but happy to see him enjoying something). The next day he felt sluggish and tired, and angry his day was "wasted" as a result.
He asked me a science related question. When I tried to explain -I was told "I didn't ask for a Biology lesson, just a yes or no!"-- something that for me was not a yes or no question.
During a time of extended silence, I asked what he was thinking. BIG MISTAKE!! If he wanted to tell me what he was thinking, he would have told me! Further more, that is such a PRYING question.....
I was talking while we were driving somewhere and we missed our turn. This was my fault because I should know better than to expect him to do two things at once!
He got extremely angry when he cut his finger... he's a stupid ******* etc. I tried to hug and comfort and was briskly brushed off.... told to leave him alone... wouldn't even let me help him bandage himself while he dripped blood all over the bathroom and dropped half of the contents of the cabinet in the bathroom trying to manuver with his wounded hand.
He asked me to come visit (he lives two hours away) and I became his punching bag. Although my needs aren't important right now, I wanted badly to pamper him... take care of him... which is obviously not what he wanted ... even knowing that that is what i'm all about.
I don't know what to do. Almost everything I say or do is annoying or just plain wrong. And now, as selfish as it may seem... i'm feeling kindof angry right now too.... and that makes me feel rotton too. I don't begin understand what he's feeling..... or know what to do here. Any advise truely appreciated.... thank you,
Sorry to hear that your boyfriend is treating you bad because thats not right, but he is probably just mad at the world right now for the loss of his Mother and you know as the old saying goes,(They take it out on th ones they love and care about the most). This is probably whats happening to your boyfriend. He probably doesn't mean to be ugly to you at all but when you lose someone you love so much you go through anger, depression, and just all sorts of feelings and thats what it sounds like he is doing. Maybe it would do some good for you to come right out and ask him why is he taking it out on you when you are there to stand by him through the hard times. Let him know how bad it makes you feel and he might stop and think about it because you can't just keep letting him take you down with him. Tell him that you are there for him but that your feelings is being hurt also and see if things will change for the better between you two. I hope it does for you!
Thank you, I was pretty angry when I wrote.... still am a bit i'm afraid.... and I should say that he's not normally like this.... and apoligized after each offense, but the hardest part I think, was that he would repeat it not five minutes later! I'm not perfect myself.... and i've had my "fits" over the past two years.... but I guess after having more time to reflect, part of me feels a bit frustrated that my best intentions... ,my sweetest gestures feel taken for granted. I want to provide at least some measure of comfort in the best ways I know how, and feel like i'm being shoved aside. I cared for his mother a great deal.... and her death affected me even more than I anticipated. I suppose I had the mistaken impression that we could comfort one another... but it hurts that he doesn't seem to want any of it. Also, I really felt rotton when we went to church and he proceeded to tell everyone all about her death--- things that he hadn't even shared with me. I felt so much on the outside.... so much as if I not only was in the way... but that I was the "least" comfort of all. Still though, managed to bite my tongue much of the time.... He told me that it made him feel even worse about being so mean to me, that I was still being so sweet. So, being sweet makes him feel worse. Being angry would make him angrier i'm sure. The weekend felt like eggshells-- I got to where I was afraid to talk because i'd say something wrong... or fall into his path for fear it would annoy him. And then I feel sooo sooo rotton for being so "not" understanding, given the circumstances. It almost feels like he doesn't even realize it's the grief affecting him. Like he thinks that we are just not a good match. It's as if this has affected his outlook on everything--- and i'm the one in the way. Thank you so much for replying... and i'll keep in mind that I can very nicely explain to him that it's not fair to be like this to me--- that i'm trying to comfort him, but that i'm not going to allow him to be degrading to me in the process. Seems to me like he needs to have a good hard painful cry.... I doubt that he really even has..... Anyway, thanks again for replying.... =)
I'm sorry your boyfriend lost his mom. I am worried about the way he is treating you though (the punching bag) I'm hoping its just a verbal thing and not hitting you.
Ok the reason I am replying. I am the one that gives a lot of garbage to other people because my husband died. Verbally that is. I'll admit I do it. But when you're doing it you don't think about it.
Your boyfriend is mad at the world right now. Not you. But sometimes you need to take it out on someone and its always the person thats around you at the time. I know little things pull my trigger. It's like..no one can say the right thing or do the right thing. Its almost like the only one that can right now is his mom, and its not going to happen. With me its my husband, everything would be right in the world if he was back and its never going to happen. You don't plan on being a widow at 33 but life throws you the cards in your hand and you just do the best with the hand that your dealt. You can never fix it or make it right. No matter how you try.
I know with myself....I would rather people just listen instead of talking so much about how I should feel or changing the subject. If they would just take the time to give me breathing room and just listen once in awhile. Let him talk to you. When he's ready. He will. If you push he will push right back twice as hard. Most of all..never forget to tell him you love him.
No, he has never, and would never hit me.... I suppose that's what makes these behaviors so strange.... still though, I appreciate the perspective from someone who has had a loss... and want you to know that i'm so very sorry that it happened. Blessings and comfort to you...
I recently went through something similar. I was dating someone for about a year, when suddenly her mom passed. It was expected cause of how she lived her life, but def not so soon. I tried to be there for her but in the end it seems it just wasn't enough. Now I seem to be the focal pt for any anger, depression or any bad feelings she has. She has also pulled completely away from me and has asked for space and stated we are just friends now. She says she needs to deal with a lot and that 'us' is not on the top of the list and needs space and time away. Also, it seems a lot of past issues have arisen in regards to us and she now brings that up as the reasons we can't be together right now.
So take that he still wants to be with you and confide in you as a good thing. That said, you should also not be the emotional punching bag for him. I did that for 2 months and would sadly still prob do it if she looked me up now (i can preach better then follow my own words sadly). While looking out for him remember to keep yourself and well being first. Tell him how you feel and when stuff comes up don't just write it off. Instead tell him how you feel. That is one of my regrets is just taking it all in stride and just trying to do everything possible to make it better for her, even if it meant taking emotional blows.
Basically, do your best to help him and be there for him. If it turns into a lost cause though try and save yourself. Some people just can't or don't want to be helped. Don't end like me all depressed w/ anxiety and trying to figure out how to help myself after putting all my efforts into trying to help others. Somehow it seems I lost myself in the mix
i can relate to your boyfriend because i am going through the samething. i lost my mother too and he feels incomplete. hes angry because of his lost and is still grieving over his mom. not justifying his behavior, try talking to him and letting him know hes not the only one in pain. he basically feels detatched from everything and everybody, and its not that we want to have this feeling but you cant help it. i find myself snapping at my dad and ill just end the conversation because i know im wrong. this is just a very painful time for him. if it gets out of hand he might need some type of therapy