I'm 34 and two years ago, 1/29/05, I lost my mom. The pain just never seems to go away. Sometimes I hear a song that reminds me of her, and it makes me cry. My friends don't understand, they think that it should make me happy, like she is sending me a sign or something. I wish I could learn to feel that way but I don't think I have made peace with her death. She died at the Mayo after complications from a routine gallbladder removal. Doesn't seem fair. I feel a lot of guilt, and I mean a lot! Sometimes it hits me, out of the blue, that she's gone...forever. I thought it would get better after getting through the first year of holidays and anniversaries without her...but it didn't. I know she didn't want to die...and she was so scared and alone (her husband, my step-dad, died of a heart attack just 8 months prior). I miss sharing everything with her....but mostly I miss her unconditional love.
The Following User Says Thank You to sarah27 For This Useful Post: GMC1333 (05-20-2012)
I know exactly how you feel! I lost my Mom, it was a year ago March 28, 2006 and we will always miss them. I am like you, there is so many things that reminds me of my Mom. On the Anniversary of her death, I cried all day long just like it had just happened the day before. But thats just natural. I wish that there was something I could say to you to make you feel better, but I am going through the same thing as you. Just hang in there and keep praying and ask God to help you.
Thank you...it's just nice to know that someone understands. This is the first time I reached out for help/understanding. Yesterday was a tough day for me. Seems like when something (completely unrelated) gets me down, it always brings me back to thoughts of my mom.
I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mom...maybe our mom's are together....talking about their daughters.
I am 34 too. My mom died almost a year ago. My dad died in '98. One of the hardest things is that most of my peers have not experienced loss of a parent. I find that I have more in common with people that are 20 years older than I am.
After my Dad died, the 1st year was the hardest. But, it was a good 6 years before I think I fully accepted it and felt natural about it. That's not to say that I was sad every day, but it crossed my mind day in and day out. SOmetimes the thoughts were fleeting. Other days, the thoughts were persistent and I would want to cry and get it out.
I do not know how the course of it will run for my mom. She was a long sick, chronic sufferer in the hospital. This whole past year, I have been equating everything to "this time last year". WHen she died, I was relieved that she didn't have to suffer, but sad that she was no longer with me.
My dad was sudden death on the other hand. So I thought about this time last year, he was alive and well. With mom, I think this time last year, she was suffering in the hospital bed. I think that with her death, I will be more relieved after the 1st year passes. With dad, the 2nd year wasn't really any easier than the 1st.
Each grief process is unique. My process with my mom and dad are different. This could because one was sudden loss and the other was gradual loss. Or, partly because one was the first and the other was the 2nd to die. Or becaus ei was 25 for the first and 33 for the 2nd. I don't know, there's no formula to follow. It stinks though I know.
Our grief runs as deep as our love that we held for the person that died. So, your experience shows that you had a deep love for your mom. I don't know anything other than time that makes it easier. You will always miss and mourn the loss of your mom. It's just that you will eventually live more acceptingly with the loss after more time passes. Take all of the time that you need. There is no timeline. It comes and goes, pops up when you least expect it.
After dad died, I was driving and a song came on the radio that made me think of him. I pulled over to a kmart parking lot and just cried and cried. Grief is spontaneous like that.
I am more tearful and sad with the 1st anniversary of my mom's death coming in 2 weeks. Gosh, I hate thinking about this time last year. Hang in there, as will I and just know that you are not alone in your experience with losing a mom so young.
I miss my mom so much too. It will be a year on May 6th and I am dreading that day. She had a heart attack at home and died. I had just talked to her the day before and I still can't believe she is not here with me. If I did not have my husband and kids around I don't know where I would be today. My mom was the strongest person I knew. She raised three children after my father died at 39 of a heart attack also. That was 39 years ago so she was both mom and dad to me. I was 11 when my dad died and it was a painful time. Being the oldest I tried to help my mom as best as I could. We talked all the time and I think I was a good daughter. She was a great woman. My grandmother had been living with my mom and was causing her alot of stress. My grandmother is now living with other relatives as it was too hard for her to be around here. Anyways I don't mean to ramble but I know how hard it is and will be for awhile. Having good firiends seems to help but the missing part really stinks. I hate waking up in the morning because I realize it was not a dream. You know that couple of minutes you wake up and then reality steps in.
Life here on earth is not fair and death is certainly the worst part about life. I look forward to what awaits us after our short, sometimes painful, time here.
By the way, I am 33 and my 29 year old wife died last year. We had been married nine years. She had such an awesome heart and a love for God. She loved our kids so very much. We had just moved to a new town, and had been there for one month when she died in an accident. We knew no one there and all my friends and family were two hours away. I was left with a one year old, a six year old, and a night shift job working 12 hours. You talk about scary!!!
I could never have done this on my own. God gave me an unbelievable strength and answered a lot of prayers. Moments after my daughter and I found mommy dead in the front yard, my daughter was really struggling. She was so worried about who was going to take her to school and who was going to fix her hair. Right then I knew that God put his hand on me and gave me a strength that was not my own. I comforted her and told her everything was going to be OK because we had God. After we prayed together, she started doing better.
That was ten short months ago. I am living proof of what God can do!!! To those that say your grief time is directly related to how much you loved the person........I'll just say whatever!! Nothing is impossible with God. He doesn’t work on a time schedule. My heart is as healed as it is ever going to be....there will always be scars there, but my heart is healed. What makes this even more amazing? God sent a wonderful woman into my life that I love very much. When we focus on God and not on ourselves and not on other people, he can do amazing things.
It breaks my heart to read about your struggles and pain. The presumption is time will heal us and time does help. We also must do the work if we want to be free from the grip that grief holds on us. Do not avoid the pain. You have to in a sense, fight it. The pain will not go away on its own. We have to go through grief, right? Why not do it as quickly and effectively as possible. Life is too short to mourn for years and years. Get the pain out….talk about it, get counseling, give it to God. Cry, Cry, Cry. Know that no matter how many friends and family members die, no matter what we go through in this life, we are never alone. God is always with us. God is all we need.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you and your children have gone through...you sound like a very strong person and I admire your faith in God...as I am stuggling with my own. I wonder about the strangest things... For instance, my step-dad passed away about 8 months before my mom. Trying to comfort me, some people said "Now she is once again with her beloved Jim"....but this was Jim's second marriage. His first wife died from cancer in 1991. So now I find myself wondering...are there 2 Jims in Heaven? Is my mom with him and his first wife? I'm sure it was hard for my step-sibblings to hear people say this....because they were probably thinking that now he is with their mom. I don't know why I think about this stuff.
I feel betrayed by God....that I would even dare to think that makes me feel even worse.
My mom used to call me everyday at work. I miss that.
I could talk to her about anything....and she would NEVER judge me. I miss that.
I took care of her...I miss that.
I went to dog shows with her...I miss that.
I always gave her flowers to plant in her garden for Mother's Day. I miss that.
She sometimes would sleep over at my house. I miss that.
She had more compassion for animals then anyone I've ever known. I miss that.
She worked with disabled children and I would visit her at the school. I miss that.
She made way too much food on holidays...I miss that.
She used to leave me long messages on my voicemail and then end with "Oh, by the way, this is mom"...like I didn't know : ) ....I miss that.
She put a can of coke in every recipe...I miss that.
She called me "Soup"...I miss that.
She had a wonderful laugh and a great sense of humor...I miss that.
She lived on a hobby farm...I miss that.
She used to sing songs and forget the words (or just make up new ones)...I miss that.
I should have taken better care of her.
I should have been there when she went into surgery.
I should have stayed with her every minute she was in the hospital.
I should have made the funeral home correct their mistakes.
I should have been there the morning she passed away.
I should have known what she needed.
I should have been a better daughter.
I should have asked for a priest when she died.
I should have taken better care of her animals.
That I didn't ask enough questions.
That I didn't see the signs of a stroke.
That I will forget what her voice sounds like.
I wish I was more like her...strong, smart, social, compassionate.
That I didn't fulfill her wishes.
I don't "feel" her with me...and I don't have dreams about her.
That people don't understand that I'm still struggling.
That I'm not worthy enough to have these feelings.
That people don't want to hear that this is still hard for me.
That my friends think that I should be past these feelings.
That people will forget my mom.
That I will never feel that same unconditional love that you get from your mom.
That I will never forget those two awful months that she was in the hospital.
I'm sorry...just rambling. Feels better to get it out...even if it brings tears.
Don't get me wrong, I have many good days. In certain situations, I can talk about my mom without any sadness. I'm just glad that I found a place where I can get my feelings out.
When we get to heaven we are no longer married. We tend to think of heaven as just like earth because thats all we know. Heaven will be a place that overflows with love. Each person loving each other the same and existing for the same purpose.....worshiping God.
Theres nothing wrong with being angry at God. Don't feel bad about that. You are not dead. You are full of emotion and hurt. He understands your pain. Tell him just how you feel.
I think its awesome that you are writing out this stuff about your mom. I would recommend writing it out and saving it. You will want to have these memories later so you can remember the details.
The regrets you are feeling are part of the guilt you are feeling. It's a natural part of grief but don't spend to much time with regrets. It is not healthy. You wrote out what you could have/should have done. Now learn from it. We can't do it again so don't beat yourself up over it. I was asleep at the time my wife died. I normally would have been awake. I choose to do something before I went to bed that I normally didn't do. If I did my normal routine that day would my wife still be alive?........probably. What good is it going to do for me to beat myself up over that.....zero. Nothing but negative things can come from thinking like that. It happened and its done. We have to move on.
You have that same unconditional love if you want it. God offers it to anyone that wants it. I chose God right after my wife died. I have had my hell on earth (believe me), and God has restored me. He is awesome.
I understand why you are still struggling. The pain can be so intense. There is no timetable that says when you can move on. There are things we can do to help the grieving process but you can't put a time on it. You are unique.
If you put all your faith in God you would be amazed at how he could transform your life and heal your broken heart.
My mom passed away on 26 November 2004 having succumbed to base skull cancer. Probably the most difficult year of my life. I was sexually harassed by one of my managers, my marriage was in turmoil and my mom's diagnosis and subsequent demise literally tore me apart emotionally. It also highlighted very real problems within my greater family and the roles that some members assumed during her illness and death. I was a lot closer to my mom than I realised and it was only after her death that I came to understand the full extent of it. My mom was constantly involved in my life and at times I was even annoyed by it. My husband resented my mom's constant presence and many a time issued me with ultimatums, either her or him. I'm not proud to say that at times I put her aside for him and my kids. Something I still feel endless guilt about today. My husband and brother are close and during the illness played up badly. Gambling and card playing being a regular occurence when I needed them most. A lot of the running around to doctors and ensuring my mom had proper care was left to me. I am the youngest of three children, yet somehow have always assumed the position of responsibility in my family. My sister lives in Germany and my brother and dad (who divorced my mom several years ago) live in SA as do I. The overwhelming sense of loss I feel about my mom's death seems to escalate as the years pass rather than wane. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. There'll be certain little reminders (a song, a word, a look, books, crosswords) that take me back and the memories come flooding back. How I long for just one more day. One more day to tell how much she was loved, to hear her voice again, to feel her love (something she seldom said but only now do I realise how much she did), to share my joys, my hurts, my accomplishments. How I long to pick up the phone and just do the idle chit chat we so often did, to have a good old "skinder" as we call it in SA (basically harmless gossip). Even to rant and rave when my husband had yet again caused me grief. To know that she would be there to pick up the cudgel and make my pain and fight her own. I've lost a huge influence in my life and am slowly start to understand the full gravity of it. Sarah, like you said I should have been a better daughter. Their is consolation in knowing that she loved me despite my failings. For months after her death I did not dream about her and was concerned that my memory of my month would become blunted, that I would no longer be able to remember her unique smell, laugh, voice. It is only now in recent time that her unique presence seems to be flooding my senses.
I'm trying to build my relationship with my father who is well into his 70's. I've always adored my dad even though we've not been particularly close. I'm hoping that somehow I'll be able to give to him what I was not able to with my mom. It's difficult though as the bond a daughter has with her mother is different. There're certain things I can't speak about with my dad, but I continue to love him and hope that we'll become closer. I'm also trying to develop a closer relationship with my brother who is such a tormented soul, without allowing his destructive nature to impact negatively on me or my family.
I continue to take one step at a time. Baby steps sometimes when it becomes too overwhelming. There are good days and then there are bad. I pray a lot. Although there are times when my faith wavers and I do question things somewhat. But then I give myself up to the greater plan that God has for me and stop struggling to force the outcome.
Today is a not so okayish day, my emotions have been seesawing all over the place. It might have something to do with Mothers Day, not sure.
Anyway enough of my ramblings. This was meant to be 'quick reply' and ended up as good old vent.
Have a wonderful Mothers Day celebration on Sunday.
All the very best.
Gosh it has been just a bit over a month since my Mom died,a nd reading your post lets me know I'm not alone with my thoughts. Thanks for sharing. Since she passed away , all I can think is I could have done more. I could have saved her. I keep her cellphone on, so I can hear her voice, because I'm afraid I'll forget it. I have literally been numb since she left me. I cry at random any time I think of her not coming through my back door any more(She lived behind me) Thanks for sharing.