It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Grief & Loss Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-24-2007, 05:58 AM   #1
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 8
talkshowhost HB User
A year later and this happens...SO angry and hurt.

I have posted about this before in a thread lower in this forum.. so umm.. for in depth background I guess someone could read that if you're interested but it won't really be necessary...

Basic background info: Last April a girl my boyfriend was dating died suddenly.. the autopsy was inconclusive and a true reason why she died was never found, they just called it "heart failure".

I have a very strong relationship with my boyfriend and I believe we can get through anything but this is just so hard...

The point of me writing this new thread is that last Sunday, a big article about Marie (my boyfriend's girlfriend who passed away) was on page 3 of a newspaper here.. and every newsagency you walked past that day had the headline in massive letters everywhere.... the article was about diet pills she was taking at the time of her death, it's a possibility that they were a factor in her death as these pills (prescribed to her by a GP!! "because she asked for them"!!?) are of course not designed for people in the healthy weight range (which Marie was!!!), yet she was given them anyway..three weeks later she passed away...

Come Monday morning my boyfriend had news reporters with camera crews and all from two different television stations banging his door down asking for an interview. He of course turned them down and called me absolutely distraught and beside himself...

Only recently has he been able to start to get his life back on track, things were looking up for us... and then this... Yesterday he was too upset to do anything, he left his house all day, afraid more reporters would go to his house (god knows how they got his name/address), didn't go to work and then went to bed early and I hardly heard from him since his initial phonecall to me that morning.

And it just upset me so much... what gives the media the right to go knocking , completely uninvited, on the doors of people who are still grieving, and asking them to share fond memories of a lost loved one? They would only use it for trash tv reporting, it would not and has not achieved anything other than giving my boyfriend a massive kick in the gut. It makes me SO angry that they had the nerve to do that to him and upset him the way they did. They sat on his doorstep for half an hour while he sat inside absolutely beside himself.

All I want in this world is to see my boyfriend happy, I would give anything and absolutely everything to see him free of pain and to smile. And yesterday I felt so helpless and lost, I came home from work and cried and cried until I eventually fell asleep. I cried for my boyfriend, I cried for the loss of Marie, I cried for her family and friends.. and I cried for myself..

This new event has brought up feelings I managed to quash until now, some of which I can't even type. I was crying to myself thinking that poor Marie should not have been taken, she had my boyfriend and her family and her friends to live for... while I was crying I wished that it had been me instead of her, that way my boyfriend would not have to deal with all of this, he wouldn't have to cry and to grieve and feel such sorrow.

but of course, it did happen and we have to deal with it and endure all of this. What I want to know is when will it get better. When will we have peace... the media attention at the moment has almost made it seem like Marie passing all over again, it has resurfaced so much sorrow and grief...

Is it always going to be two steps forward and one step back? What can I do? I get so frustrated that I can't just make everything better.. and I didn't know Marie but I have heard nothing but gorgeous things about her and I know she was a beautiful girl in every way, yet I can't imagine what my boyfriend and those who were close to her are going through. I don't want him to suffer anymore.

And furthermore, a select few have had such difficulty excepting my relationship with my boyfriend and it hurts me so badly inside, should I feel guilty for being in love with him? It's not as though I try and pretend Marie didn't exist, I do my very best to honour and pay respect to her in my own way... but I often feel like some people look at me like I'm a scarlet woman. Is it wrong and immoral for us to be so in love? I want to forever remember and listen to my boyfriend speak fondly of Marie, but I don't want to carry the ball & chain forever of feeling like a harlot of sorts. I didn't choose to fall in love, but I did, my boyfriend is the most amazing man in the world...I find it hard to imagine how any girl wouldn't be in love with him. And deep inside me I do think Marie would understand that and be happy for us - but will the others ever do the same?

I'm sorry this is so long but I *really* need to vent and talk about this, it eats away at me inside every day, I have never been through so much trauma. And I know I might sound pathetic for having the nerve to say this is traumatic for me, but it really is.

Please, anyone, share a simple thought or opinion on this...

Thank you so much.
x

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 04-24-2007, 07:22 AM   #2
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Indiana
Posts: 35
jason74 HB User
Re: A year later and this happens...SO angry and hurt.

You are in a very bad situation. If he is still grieving than he cannot fully give of himself to you. From the sounds of what you wrote he is still very much grieving his girlfriend. Only when he feels healed should he bring someone else into his life out of respect towards you. Like you stated it is very hard on you and not fair.

I will pray for you
Jason

 
Old 04-24-2007, 03:42 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: La Mirada, California
Posts: 1,126
snoopy63 HB User
Re: A year later and this happens...SO angry and hurt.

I am sorry that you feel the others looking at you wrong...have they actually expressed bad feelings? I really dont think you should take it personally...seeing you with him is a reminder to them that Marie is gone...if they truly care about your boyfriend they should be happy for him that he found someone else who cares for him as deeply as you seem to. Is it possible that you are just putting those feelings on them out of some kind of insecurity?

I am sure part of him will always grieve her loss....has he gone through counselling? maybe both of you should....there is a lot on both of your plates right now....

best wishes to you

 
Old 06-05-2007, 03:43 AM   #4
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: sydney australia
Posts: 28
pam83 HB User
Re: A year later and this happens...SO angry and hurt.

Talkshow HOST.
I think you have a wonderful careing heart big heart the people around you will see you and your loved one through this he sounds a gem of a man to just love and for them to know you care is all it takes straight from the heart,remember not to FORGET yourself on the way as this affects you to loosing a loved one is never easy but i believe we never really get over it we just LEARN to accept it better -FROM EXPERIENCE.pam 83.

 
Old 06-05-2007, 07:13 AM   #5
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 8
talkshowhost HB User
Re: A year later and this happens...SO angry and hurt.

Thank you so much everyone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by snoopy63 View Post
I am sorry that you feel the others looking at you wrong...have they actually expressed bad feelings?
Not to my face, no.

But the person who is behaving in this way is my boyfriend's brother's girlfriend.. she was very close to Marie. But since my boyfriend started seeing me she refuses to associate herself with my boyfriend or with me. It's just very awkward. I've learnt to deal with it, but it upsets my boyfriend a lot. All she says is "I just can't see Darren with anyone other than Marie", so refuses to even be in the same room as us. If she sees us in public she just walks right past. It hurts Darren because although everyone (meaning her boyfriend, his family and her friends too) has tried to talk to her about it she just point blank refuses to even try. Darren says he knows Marie would want to see him happy, and the only thing stopping him right now is her. Her being his brother's girlfriend of course, not Marie.

On another note, last night Darren and I were out for my birthday and we bumped into Marie's parents. They are lovely people and wished me all the best on my birthday. I am so, so thankful of how gracious and accepting they have been, and one day I hope to tell them so!

 
Old 06-08-2007, 03:39 PM   #6
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Colorado
Posts: 15
holly45 HB User
Re: A year later and this happens...SO angry and hurt.

I think I know how you feel, my situation is a bit different. My husband’s best friend was killed, I knew his friend well but I know the feeling of wanting to take their place. I still wish that almost a year later. All I can say is do everything you can to be there for him and know that he is grateful for your attempts, even when he is too upset to show it. The pain of watching the one you love suffer is very hard, try not to give in to it.

 
Old 06-08-2007, 03:47 PM   #7
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Colorado
Posts: 15
holly45 HB User
Re: A year later and this happens...SO angry and hurt.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jason74 View Post
You are in a very bad situation. If he is still grieving than he cannot fully give of himself to you. From the sounds of what you wrote he is still very much grieving his girlfriend. Only when he feels healed should he bring someone else into his life out of respect towards you. Like you stated it is very hard on you and not fair.
Leaving him alone to suffer is not a great answer, I know that without me there my husband would truly not have any reason to live. It is an unfair role but a needed one. He will never fully recover from the pain of her death, and to be left alone with his grief seems cruel to me. At least that is how I feel for my situation, you will have to think about yours and see how you feel. All I know is I learned truly what the phrase you don't know till you lived it means. Try to get him to let it out he might be doing what my husband is, he is trying to be strong and man like when he should just let it all out. I have to think men get over death much slower because of this.

 
Old 07-04-2007, 08:04 AM   #8
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: sydney australia
Posts: 28
pam83 HB User
Re: A year later and this happens...SO angry and hurt.

Talkshowhost hello,
give it time e/thing happens for a reason why we dont know but we need to accept a lot in this life reporters etc i have been through the media stuff and that after my brother was brutally murded,but in time it will get easier you both will know how to deal with things better have faith in yourself and never lose sight of who you are,you need to care about yourself to so you have the strength to help your man.time believe it or not does affect our way of copping it gets easier as time goes by i am still grieving over my brother it never really leaves you end up learning to live with it and get on with life but thats my thought and experience reporters dont care no respect of our privacy as long as they get there story-its discusting my thoughts with you wishing you all the best pam 83.

 
Old 10-13-2007, 05:27 AM   #9
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: sydney australia
Posts: 28
pam83 HB User
Thumbs up Re: A year later and this happens...SO angry and hurt.

talkshow host,
i read your letter and was touched by it you are doing the right thing just by standing by your man and that in time others will also see that but maybe you shouldnt worry what other people think as long as your both goinging through this together,your boyfriend is only human his feeling what you would feel if you were in his shoes.in time pain eases but there is no time frame the guide of help and love -support and understanding is what i believe can carry us through your thoughts maybe different?.
publicity has no shame i was a victim to that,they dont care who they hurt as long as they get that story.no respect but you will find that the reporters will ease down when there is nothing more to say they try to get into your private life and thats an invasion of ones privacy maybe you could help your man by contacting the neccesary peopl and have this harrasment stopped.
there are no rule book for this only human compassion and understanding as he sees your love shine then he will follow your strength i hope courage and loyalty he needs it all and you sound as though you really love him -then really show him you have to be his rock now-then oneday he will come to you with great respect and love for all you are doing and have done it takes time patients is everything expecially when you dont understand there sayings or doings you are his life.
never give in never give up love can take you anywhere try to keep him busy as possible ease the thinking down do some different thing change a few things around that you feel will help him and dont loose sight of yourself along the way for you have to look after yourself in order to look after your man i hope i was of some help to you .
cheers to you
pam83.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
is my 9 year old autistic? shandonishu Autism Spectrum 5 11-15-2009 02:07 PM
Dakota -- this thread is for you mary09 Depression 132 08-17-2007 09:03 PM
Curfews for 17 year olds donna1962 Parenting Issues 9 07-16-2007 01:18 AM
just ended a 10 year relationship brooklyn02 Relationship Health 6 05-06-2007 08:48 PM
Putting our priorities straight! Family/Health than Money! It's a bad time of year! AngelOfLight82 Stress 2 12-20-2006 01:11 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Ivorygirl (13), rosequartz (11), slenderella (8), JJ (4), writeleft (4), jesseca (3), Charlyssa (3), caringsister54 (3), Kali333 (2), joybob (2)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1004), Apollo123 (904), Titchou (847), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (759), ladybud (754), sammy64 (668), midwest1 (668), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:22 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.com™ All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!