Recently I lost my eldest brother. My best friend. He was everything to me. I am 20 years old and my brother was 27 when he passed. His name was Jeremey. Our family has never ever been one to be close. I have another brother Zackary but Zack was always consumed in his life so it was always Jeremey and I. We got use to that. Countless times I would go over there and we would sit and talk and just be. When I was 18 I was fortunate enough to have bought a house just about 10 minutes from him. That was the best. I was over all the time seeing my neice and nephew. Those kids were his world. My brother was a stay at home father which he loved. I knew my brother like the back of my hand. Anything he needed I was there, anything I needed he was there. I think sometimes it made his wife jealous. Anyways... Our family was going through a rough time. My neice had been going through alot that was affecting our family. None the less I was talking to him everyday. If it was just to say Hi whatchu up to or to talk more in depth about everything that was going on. At the end of each conversation I would say I love you bubbie. Bubbie was the shortening of brother when I was a child that stuck even still now. I guess I couldnt say brother ANYWAYS.. Im so thankful that I got to say that to him everyday before his death. Jeremey went to sleep on his couch Monday December 4th 2006 and never woke up Tuesday. I called there on Tuesday to tell Jeremey I was thinking about him and to see what he was up to. Well I called and my sister in law answering crying I was like what is going on. She said Amanda just get here!!! I left work cussing my brother out. You have no idea of what I was going to walk into!!! I got to my brothers house and walked in and there was his body. I was so numb. Numb doesnt even describe it. I think I am numb now. I couldnt cry!!! I did everything. I picked out his casket and his gravesite and what sucks is... the suit that he wore to my wedding 3 months before is the suit that we barried him in. Im so angry at him Im upset and Im shaking thinking about it. I miss him everyday and I think about him always. What sucks is right after.. I found out I was pregnant. Then a month later I found out I miscarried. Jeremey always said he would be the one to take care of my first child. He was right. I know that everything happens for a reason and if I dont know what that reason is I have to feel comfort in knowing he isnt hurting anymore!!
Amanda, My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. I can't say it'll be easy...it's been hard for me over this past year since my mom died. But I find talking with people helps me alot. Have you thought of going to a local church/hospital and see if they may have grieving sessions? just a thought. Take care.....Cherie
Know that you are not alone. What you have been through, the numbness and anger you are feeling...I felt those same things. My wife was my everything so I can relate. I also found my wife dead. I got to pick out her coffin, clothes, etc. Please know that others have gone through what you are going through and have done OK. Cling to God and he will help you through.
Thank you guys so much. I actually showed my mom this site today but as I started to read the thread I had posted I started to cry and my moms swelled with big tears. I got to the 2nd line and stopped!!! I showed her the support that the group has and urged her to post her feelings. I told her to put it under a name I would never know. We shall see. Thank you again!! It does mean alot to me.