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mark78 · 05-08-2007, 04:37 AM

I lost my younger brother to suicide 4 years ago and, as you can imagine, the whole thing was a nightmare. I thought i was coping well with it but the last few weeks I've had trouble sleeping and I didn't sleep a wink last night. Today I feel waves of emotion and have been crying a lot - not something that happens much. I mean I might feel teary now and then and pride myself in being a sensitive bloke, in touch with his feelings and so on, but I don't often blub quite so long and hard... i think i needed to somehow remember the pain. I feel a strong need to reach out and connect to people who can relate - like i did in the immediate aftermath of Phillip's death. I hope some of you can respond as I think i feel alone in this and need a pat on the back. God, this is hard, I miss Phillip so much. He was a beautiful person, so thoughtful and kind I am proud to have had him as a brother - and I only wish he knew that.

warm regards to you all

mark

Psimer · 05-08-2007, 10:49 AM

I am bipolar and I have suicidal tendencies. You do understand that your brother was very ill and he was in such emotional pain that he saw no other way out. Those of us who have attempted suicide have reached a point where we can't see the future. All we know is that the pain we are experiencing is so overwhelming we can't see any other way to make it end.

The sad part is that when one of us ends our life, we forget that all we are doing is passing the pain along. We are free but we have left everyone else with the same sense of loss and pain.

I have spent many years counseling people who are suicidal. Some you help, some you can't. Some people end their lives on a whim and some plan for months. It's still insane. Anyone who wants to take their life has reached a point of insanity. Because if they were sane, they would never consider taking their life.

What I can say is that your brother is at peace. Whatever was going on inside of him ended. He found his way out of having to deal with just living. Don't be angry with him. Don't be angry at yourself. Know that he found his way whether or not you feel it was right. Know that he knew people would be hurt by his actions but he felt he had no other choice.

Know that he is waiting for you.

Sara

Willow Star · 05-08-2007, 05:44 PM

Hi Mark,

I lost my sister to suicide in January of 2004 so I know what you're going through. I don't know how much advice I can give you but the one thing I've learned is that I will always grieve for her no matter how many years it's been. I love her with all my heart and soul and miss her so very much.

You loved your brother very much as well (and still do) so it's okay to just let yourself have a good cry once in a while. The pain and crying comes because you do love him so much. I cry because I love my sister so much. How can feeling love be a bad thing? Allow yourself those moments...it's okay. I find that by allowing myself to cry when I need to without feeling guilty and no matter what anyone thinks that I can deal with her leaving a lot better. I know that these feeling will crop up every once in a while for the rest of my life and I've learned to accept that as it comes from the love I feel for her. I'll never be okay with it but I know she felt she had no choice. I'm sure your brother knows how much you love him and like Sara said, it's not that he didn't care.

I don't know if this helps at all...I feel like I'm rambling. I just think that by allowing yourself those times and giving yourself permission to feel that love that it helps to heal you and keep you moving forward. I know it's hard.

Anyway, I hope you are doing better...some days are better than others but as long as we are moving forward we are okay. Sending a big hug your way.

Willow

PS - Sara, I wanted to thank you so much for your post. I like to hear from people who have been in that frame of mind as it helps me to hopefully begin understand what my sister was going through and how she felt. Your insight is so valuable to me and means a lot, corny as that sounds.

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