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Old 05-22-2007, 10:27 PM   #1
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~~BECKY~~ HB User
Unhappy Lost my Dad in September


Hi my Name is Becky and I am 25 years old. I lost my Dad(my best friend) this past September.I really don't have much time to get out of the house to go to a group or anything so I decided to look for grief groups on the computer. I am a "*******" regular and I tried their forums and ended up in tears. I have NEVER in my life been talked to that bad. Those people on there can be so heartless. So I thought I would try this place. So anyway, last September I was spending the night with my Dad and woke up the next morning to find him dead in the floor.My Dad had been going through a really hard time and turned to drinking and drugs. He was really well known in the community so my grandma wanted to keep the problem quite. Not only that she wanted to ignore the problem all together. My step-mom even left my dad b/c it had got so bad and my grandma still would not admit that he had a BIG problem. So day after day I would call my dad and he would be so messed up and I would call my grandma and she would make excuses for him. (A lot more went on and the more I get into this group and see that the people on here will not be like the people on ******* I will be more open to share.) Ok on September 9th I found my 40 year old Daddy dead on the floor from a drug (and drinking) overdose. I didn't know what to do. One of his friends had came to see him and that is why I had walked in his room in the first place. He had to make me call 911 I did not believe that he was dead. All I could say was "PLEASE GET MY DADDY UP!!!" So there is the "short" story. I am just looking for friends and advise on how to get through all of this. People just say that it will get better with time but I miss my Daddy MORE and MORE everyday. Like I said I am just looking for some new friends that have been through the same things as I am going through now. Thanks

 
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Old 05-23-2007, 01:49 AM   #2
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Small Oklahoma Town USA
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Laura51 HB User
Re: Lost my Dad in September

My Dad died almost 12 years ago. He was found out in his yard. He had a heart attack. I was with him the day before and he was fine. I still grieve for him. His b-day is this Sunday and I am dealing with that. You are still going through the grieving process. It takes time to get through it but you never get over it. Take it one day at a time. Try to remember the good memories and not dwell on the bad. Take care of yourself and good luck.

 
Old 05-23-2007, 08:29 AM   #3
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Location: Charleston, SC USA
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Psimer HB User
Re: Lost my Dad in September

See if there is a local Grief Support group. If not, get into therapy and deal with your emotions there. I lost my mother Easter Sunday. She was fine the night before and was planning to go to her 60th college reunion. She died during the night.

Your family wants to hide things and you need to have them open. Start by writing down all the stories about your dad that you remember. They don't have to make sense, but you need to remember the good things about him. Stories make us laugh and they make us cry. The crying is a good part. But you have to make sure that it doesn't take over your life.

If you find the sadness is taking over your everyday life, you need to get into therapy and talk to someone about your pain and your loss. Therapy is a safe enviroment and a good therapist will help direct you so you do find a sense of peace.

I know how much you are grieving. I am going through it as well. I know the emptiness. But there were good times to. And that's where you can focus.

Sara

 
Old 05-23-2007, 10:15 AM   #4
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Michigan
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Kimberly40 HB User
Re: Lost my Dad in September

Hi Becky!

I'm new too and have made a post. I had the same problem you did with message boards. I've got nothing but positive responses from this one I came across this post and I wanted to reply.

I lost my dad over 13 yrs ago and I still cry. It's ok to cry. We all still talk about him together laughing and sharing our favorite memories. My dad was only 48 yrs old, he had a heart attack. I keep a notebook in my night stand that I write in and have for years. This helps me express how I'm feeling. Maybe you could try writing, sounds kinda dumb, but I feel better getting it out. Even if it is on paper

Take care-

 
Old 05-23-2007, 11:22 PM   #5
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shan105 HB User
Re: Lost my Dad in September

Hi,
It is an incredibly hard thing to loose a parent, especially when you are not that old yourself. My dad died just over 2 years ago from cancer and he was only diagnosed 4 months before his death. You never 'get over it' and you should not expect to either. A positive thing is that the pain becomes less constant and if you let yourself take all the time you need you find yourself in a better head space-thats what iv found. I still cry a lot, I miss him soooo much and I still get angry that he is not here but I also have an incredible amount of good memories that i cherish.
Your situation sounds quite complex and you should know that there are many people out there who know what it can feel like, but not neccessarily exactly how it is for you. We can only try to understand and support.
Best wishes

 
Old 06-04-2007, 07:33 PM   #6
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Lynn75 HB User
Re: Lost my Dad in September

Becky, I first want to tell you how I found your message. I simply typed "lost my dad" in my brouser. I just wanted to see what came up. I lost my dad on Feb. 24, 2006. It seems like yesterday, and forever ago. He loved me unconditionally, which is priceless. I feel for you. I know what you mean about the old, "time heals all wounds." Maybe that's true in some cases. It's been 15 months for me now. I think it may finally be getting a little better, but I know how difficult every day can be for you. Holidays were pretty unbearable. I was just sick on Father's day last year. I am at RidersForChrist at AOL if you want to write. (I don't know if that is allowed on this message board because this is the first time I have responded to a comment on a message board.)
Your situation isn't unique, but it is unique to you and that is what really matters. My dad didn't die from drugs or drinking, but from being such a really hateful, spiteful, and bitter person. It took it's toll on him, on his heart and I'm sure that is eventually what killed him. He was a recluse and had no neighbors to call when he started having the heart attack. His only friend was 20 minutes away. He called 911, but the dogs he had for protection would not allow the EMT's to enter the house, and dad died, all alone except for his dogs. His friend arrived to let in the EMT's but she was too late.
At the funeral, there were very few people who came. There was a sister of his he had not spoken to in many years, along with a niece and his estranged son from another marriage. The girl from the library came. Dad read a lot of books.
My story is a little different from yours, but I am sure the healing steps are much the same. I've done it on my own, I guess you'd say. I have prayed a lot, begged a lot for relief. I've prayed God would tell my dad how much I love him and how much I miss him, and to save me a seat. I search my mind for the sweet memories, even if they make me cry. My greatest comfort is one of the cats, or my dog. My husband couldn't really relate, then he lost his dad just a week ago. Now he is going through the same thing. You might want to know, that even tho his dad didn't have any issues, like yours and mine, he is still grieving terribly. He has guilt over not taking better care of him, never going fishing with him, etc. So I guess it doesn't matter really how they lived, it is still the same after they are gone. Hope this helps some. Write if you want to. Lynn75

 
Old 06-15-2007, 01:23 PM   #7
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sawbuck44 HB Usersawbuck44 HB Usersawbuck44 HB User
Re: Lost my Dad in September

Hi, I just lost my dad last Wednesday. He died at the same time (3:00am) as my brother (49) did three years ago. Five years ago I lost my 8 yo nephew tragically. My dad's passing was the hardest because I had more contact with him and came so close to him in the last few months. We all have to deal with tragedy some time. Having someone to talk to really helps. I'm not sure how long your dad was drugged up, but that had to be hard too. You really didn't get to be with 'him' during that time because he wasn't himself. You were grieving then too. First understanding why he did what he did, then knowing there wasn't anything anyone could have done to prevent his passing, will help comfort you.

Losing a father, good or bad, is painful. My dad wasn't so good during our childhood. He drank a lot and smoked a lot, and we had to move a lot due to his 'self-employment.' My sister came in from Florida the day before he passed. She thanked me for doing everything I did for him. I told her that I was glad to have gotten to know him in the 'second' half of his life when he was such a great person. She only knew him from childhood because she's lived in Florida for so many years.

I take consolence in the fact that he knew I loved him, no matter what the past. Your dad knew you loved him regardless of his drug use. Sounds like you spent a lot of time with him. That means a great deal.

Going forward, take it ODAT - a saying my dad and I made up when it was hard going for him. He was two months in the hospital before he passed. One Day At a Time. You'll have good days and bad days - not even days it could be just a few minutes when you'll think of something to make you laugh or cry. Remember those that loved him and be there for them. Your dad wouldn't want you to pass up your life because of him. Do what would make him proud. Show him how strong you are. He is watching. take care
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If you open the door even a little bit - the devil will fling it open. Keep it closed with prayer.

 
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