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Old 06-08-2007, 03:50 PM   #1
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I just lost ex-husband to suicide

I just lost me ex-husband 6 days ago to suicide. His service was last night.
I felt support from his family bcause we are basically all in shock. He was also a heavy drinker, esp. in the end that's all he did.
I am trying my best to cope with this, letting the tears fall, trying to understand. I guess only God understands the true burden he was under.
I pray he is in a better place & the turmoil of his pain is lifted.
But, knowing now that I will never see him, or hear his voice is breaking my heart. Why didn't he call one of us? we all loved him!! someone would have helped him. Why did he end it like this?? It was such a violent way to go.This is a fresh wound in my heart & in his families. It's going to take a lot of tears to move on from this.And there are alot of unanswered questions.
Again, I guess the burden he had was to heavy for him.

 
Old 06-09-2007, 09:47 PM   #2
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Re: I just lost ex-husband to suicide

I am very sorry for you loss. I know that if he knew how much pain this would have caused he would never have done it. Before I lost my friend I had no idea that I could feel so much pain at one time.

Please take care and don't let doubt and concern about what you could have done bring you down. It is going to be a very long time before things are right again if ever. Just take it one day at a time and no matter what anyone says when you are sad try to let it out rather than hold it in.

 
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Old 06-25-2007, 07:14 PM   #3
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Re: I just lost ex-husband to suicide

My father took his own life four months ago. He had been battling the worst form of brain cancer for three months. He got depressed in the end when he seemed to better understand the diagnosis that he only had a year to live and would die from it. It's hard to understand no matter the circumstances. Maybe you'd get a lot of comfort from this book I have slowly been reading and been comforted by: No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One by Carla Fine. I'll pray for you! It's hard stuff to deal with and people think you must be crazy because he did this. All the things you are feeling you'll see others feel as well. Some things you may not even realize you are feeling, but the book will help a lot!

 
Old 06-26-2007, 01:01 PM   #4
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Re: I just lost ex-husband to suicide

Unless you have been to the edge of the darkness of depression, you will never understand why someone would commit suicide. I am bi-polar and I live with suicidal thoughts every day. I can tell you that there was probably very little that you could have done to change the outcome. People who suffer from depression and medicate themselves with drugs and alcohol are not willing to admit that they are depressed.

It is very common to find men who will deny their illness. On the whole they seem to think that they can just overcome it by shear will power. But that isn't always the case. Depression is an overwhelming dark hole that takes over your entire life. You have no sense of self esteem, no sense of self worth, and you feel that there is no hope. The darkness gets worse and worse and worse. Some people go to bed and never get up. Some people have just enough energy to end the crying and sadness that become a way of life.

Don't sit and ask why. Understand that this person has freed himself of all of the pain of living. They were insane at the time they took their own life. They could not be rational or have clear judgement. But they absolutely had to end the pain.

Your ex is free. He has finally found peace. But in doing so he may have passed along his pain.

Sara

 
Old 06-27-2007, 04:30 PM   #5
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Re: I just lost ex-husband to suicide

Thank you for your support. But, just when you think things can't get worse, they do. 3 weeks to the day... my DIL's father commited suicide also. What made this even harder to bear was that she found him & is 6 months pregnant. It was the same thing....self afflicted gun shot wound.
So, today we put him to rest...asking the same ?'s, angry, sad, asking for the strength to get through this again.
His was alcohol related too. I know they weren't in the right state of mind when it happened, or they wouldn't have done it.
If they only knew how this affects the family they leave behind.

 
Old 07-14-2007, 04:01 PM   #6
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Re: I just lost ex-husband to suicide

I just wanted you to know i am thinking about you and feel for you, and although I dont know your own personal circumstances, I lost my ex husband to cancer when I was young (32)and the grieving and pain was unbearable,for me and our 2 children.
I think one of the worst things was that I still loved him very much, we hadnt been apart long and the illness had come on suddenly and because he was my ex, I felt that people somehow didnt expect me to grieve as much as if he was still my husband. This was all 12 years ago now and I still think about him all the time and feel so sad that he didnt see his children grow up( they were 9 and 11 at the time.)
Time does heal though, things will get better and you will learn to live your life and be happy again and you will be a stronger person for what you have been through,

Take care

 
Old 07-14-2007, 06:56 PM   #7
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Re: I just lost ex-husband to suicide

Henry's mom I can really relate to what happened. My husband and I were separated because he was bipolar and would not take meds. He was abusive and violent so we separated. I still loved him and he passed away a week ago. NO one knows what to say or do because we did not live together. My pain is deep and my love for him is still there I just couldnt live with him because of the abuse and refusal to get help.

 
Old 07-14-2007, 06:59 PM   #8
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Re: I just lost ex-husband to suicide

Sharlit, I am so sorry for your loss. I do know what grief feels like and some days seem so long and empty when a person dies but their is an extra load when it is sucide. Sometimes a person just can't go on. Hug and prayers you recover from your pain soon.

 
Old 07-15-2007, 05:05 AM   #9
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Re: I just lost ex-husband to suicide

Quote:
Originally Posted by marshmallow View Post
Henry's mom I can really relate to what happened. My husband and I were separated because he was bipolar and would not take meds. He was abusive and violent so we separated. I still loved him and he passed away a week ago. NO one knows what to say or do because we did not live together. My pain is deep and my love for him is still there I just couldnt live with him because of the abuse and refusal to get help.
Marshmallow I am so sorry and I can empathise with what you are going through even though I'm sure our circumstances are different.. No good advice really for you I'm afraid but just take one day at a time , remember all the good times and dont dwell on the more negative,, and you will get through it. Just make sure that you allow yourself to grieve though, I felt somehow I had to hide my feelings somewhat and it just lengthened the process. It is natural to be upset when you love someone and have been married to them even if you are no more..

Look after yourself

Liz

 
Old 07-15-2007, 08:03 AM   #10
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Re: I just lost ex-husband to suicide

Thank you. It takes a lot of time to work through this. They say there's 4 stages to dealing with suicide...denial, anger,grief & acceptance.
With me, I'm through the 1st 2. Seems like the 3rd one is a little tougher.
2 things I read are helping me too:
1.When someone takes his own life, we anguish that we should have known enough to help. But only God knows the weight of another's burden.
2.Trust in God's mercy. if you saw something lovable in that person, surely God sees so much more.
Maybe these will help you too.
Sharon

 
Old 07-16-2007, 06:26 AM   #11
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Re: I just lost ex-husband to suicide

They do know in a way. They pass their pain along but their pain is so overwhelming that they have no other way to deal with it. I feel for your DIL. But there was nothing she could have done to stop him. People who decide that suicide is the way out, if they are stopped, will try again later. They plan so they know they will be alone.

Don't question why it happened. Do get into therapy so that you can talk about this. But understand that this is not anyone's fault. No one is to blame except the person who has taken their life. They have ended their sadness and passed it along. The survivers need to be able to place the blame where it belongs. On the person who did not get the help they needed, the person who could have gone into rehab and gotten help with their mental health issues, but who chose instead to take their life and make everyone around them miserable and feel guilty for not doing enough.

Sara

 
Old 07-27-2007, 08:47 PM   #12
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Re: I just lost ex-husband to suicide

Quote:
Originally Posted by Henrysmum View Post
I just wanted you to know i am thinking about you and feel for you, and although I dont know your own personal circumstances, I lost my ex husband to cancer when I was young (32)and the grieving and pain was unbearable,for me and our 2 children.
I think one of the worst things was that I still loved him very much, we hadnt been apart long and the illness had come on suddenly and because he was my ex, I felt that people somehow didnt expect me to grieve as much as if he was still my husband. This was all 12 years ago now and I still think about him all the time and feel so sad that he didnt see his children grow up( they were 9 and 11 at the time.)
Time does heal though, things will get better and you will learn to live your life and be happy again and you will be a stronger person for what you have been through,

When my ex was murdered last year it broke my heart, I had left him due to physical abuse and such, but not because I didnt love him. When he died it was like all those feelings resurfased. Ive been with my current husband for 9 years. He is very understandable, thank god. He though he was losing me to this. When will I stop being angry and guilty???? I am sad all the time. I have his two kids, they are 11/13. I hurt for them too. I just cant understand how it will ever get any better?

 
Old 07-27-2007, 08:49 PM   #13
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Re: I just lost ex-husband to suicide

My husband and I were also very close friends with him. He had been staying at my house. So I was notified first. Thank God hid family still is my family, cause I was treated just like his wife during all the grieving, and trial. Maybe cause Im the mother of his children.

 
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