Last year in July, my brother Dave died in the hospital unexpectedly. Four months and one day later, right after Thanksgiving, my oldest brother Mark died in the same hospital, same ward as my other brother. Marks death was also unexpected. My dad died in 1992 and I now have no male family members left. For a while, I was able to shut out the grief. I think I feared being overwhelmed by it. Last month, my husband and I had to put our oldest cat to sleep. It seems to have opened a floodgate to dark clouds and and some kind of depression. I feel I am no longer nor will I ever be the same person again. I used to laugh all the time, smile more often than not. I still try but my smile never quite reaches my eyes. I think I might never feel joy again. I don't feel like "why me?", I just miss my brothers. Your family is part of your identity and I've lost half of mine.
I can totally relate to you!!! Lets start at the beginning... My dog, my family life long dog died when everyone was away for the weekend. Meaning he died alone in October/November..I really dont remember the day. Anyways we grieved over that. Then September came and my husband (now) and I got married. Great time, everyone was there. My brothers, my family and my husbands family. It was really great, little did we know our world would come crashing down. My husbands grandpa was killed him his party store in late september maybe early october. Wow that took a blow to the gut!! Oh let me tell you this too... During our wedding my oldest brother and I got into a big big fight and it was bad, I spent about an hour in the bathroom crying... ya it was that bad. ( My eldest brother was my one close brother) So through to November 28th 2006 my brother and I didnt speak. On November 28th (I remember the date because it was my grandmas birthday) we took my grandma out for dinner for her birthday just my mom and I and my mom pulled me aside and tells me that my niece my oldest brothers daughter who is 8 told her mom my brothers ex gf that Brian my brothers ex gf had been touching her and forced himself on her. I started to ball for her. I balled becuase I wanted to talk to my brother. I called my brothers cellphone and he answered and I was crying and he started to cry but had to stop because he was with my niece and didnt want her to know that I knew so he was like I will call you back I made sure that I told him I loved him... Well to make a long story short we talked and everything for the days following. Everything seemed great. Ok another part of the story my brother had been in an accident a year ago and hurt his arm REALLY BAD and it just so happen to flare up on a Monday. I spoke with him that Monday and I was like Jeremey you will be ok just take it easy. Well Tuesday was my nieces court date so I took it off work and I was going to be there as the rest of the family as well. Well Tuesday came and I called the house to see how he was doing and what not and my sister in law answers the phone crying histarical. I was like omg Steph what happened?? she was like just get here..Im thinking to myself OMG jeremey killed this guy because of what he did to my niece. I left work and cussed my brother up and down saying Jeremey I almost got fired this better be good. OMG...You have no idea what I walked into!! I got to my brothers and there are cops EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!! I was like oh god I came walking in and they had my brothers body cover with blankets. I didnt know what to do or what to say. I was speechless..I really was. My oldest brother that I never got to say goodbye to was gone. There is not a day that goes by that I dont think of him or how much I loved him. I so know what you mean when you say that a piece of you died with him. He was my best friend in life. I have only lost one but I wish the feeling would go away. I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy. I get so depressed about it on a weekly basis and sometimes I cant stop crying it gets so bad. To top it all off a month after that I found out I was pregnant. I was filled with joy..I really was!! Then 10 weeks into it I found out I had miscarried. Now I think about it and my brother Jeremey who passed away always told me that he would be the one to raise my first child and he is in heaven. I have come to closure with that because I know my brother is watching over my baby. I still have bad days where it hurts really bad. Today after reading yours and expressing mine today seems like it could become bad but Im going to stay positive. I know how you feel the heart ache the pain, but I take one day at a time and have faith in the lord and his plan.
I'm sorry to read about your sad circumstances. I know in my heart that God never gives us more than we can bear and it's not for me to understand or question the Lord but knowing these things does not stop the aching grief that hits you like a ton of bricks sometimes. I guess we must rely on good old time to heal and feel better. Prayers won't hurt either. Thanks for your encouragement and may God bless you and yours.
I'm coming to this a little late, but I wanted to tell you that I can totally relate. In March of 2006, my mother died unexpectedly after a very brief illness. Although she was older, she was well and we never saw it coming! 8 months later my oldest sister was killed in an accident.
My father died many years ago, so it was always the 4 women (I have one more sister) and we did everything together. In less than a year's time, it was just the two of us, my sister and I, and the loss was overwhelming.
I have no words of wisdom other than to say that time goes on and you have no choice but to move on with your life. The loss will never totally escape you, and there will be times when it hits you like a ton of bricks, but eventually the pain is not as intense and you will find new joys.
I wasn't surprised to hear that the death of your cat unnerved you. We almost had something similar happen. One night several months after my sister died, our dog got out. We couldn't find him for quite some time and I was in a state of panic. I kept saying to my husband that if something happened to Bailey, I would be inconsolable and people would wonder how I survived the death of my mother and my sister, but it was the loss of the dog that undid me! We eventually found him, but even the thought of it was more than I could bear.
Hope, I appreciate your reply. My sympathies to you and your sister. I have a sister as well and she and I are taking care of my mom who seems so fragile now. My husband is a great support but I think only one who has experienced this type of loss can really know what I'm feeling. I DO feel that slowly but surely I am coming out of this grief but as you say, it will always be with me.Soon it will be a year since Dave passed, but most of the time, it seems like yesterday. If any good has come from this, it would be that I no longer fear death. I have faith that my dad and brothers are waiting for us and that makes it all good. Thanks for your words. You will be in my thoughts as well.