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Old 06-14-2007, 02:07 AM   #1
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shellshell82 HB User
cried a lot last night for my friend who died almost 10 years ago

My psychologist (whom I see for depression) says I didn't grieve the loss of one of my best friends when I was 15. She says that it doesn't matter when you do the grieving - whether it is straight after the death, or years later - you still have to do it. I have been seeing the psychologist for over a month, and I hadn't felt like I had really done any grieving - but then last night, after I had therapy, I came home and talked to my husband about it, about my friend who died when I was a teenager, and I bawled my eyes out about her.

It is good to cry. I am surprised at how much I hadn't processed in terms of her death. It is hard to grieve, but it is good. I am surprised it has taken me so many therapy sessions to get to this stage. In therapy I feel like I am as hard as a stone, and I talk objectively about myself and stuff that has caused a lot of pain, and never cry. I am glad I finally cried.

Anybody else have trouble grieving at death at the time it happened - and now dealing with it years later (in my case it is almost ten years)?

How can you help yourself grieve better?

 
Old 06-14-2007, 03:50 AM   #2
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Re: cried a lot last night for my friend who died almost 10 years ago

You have to take the time to do it. After my wife died I took three months off work and that's all I did. Grieve, grieve, grieve. Talk about it a lot. Cry and cry some more. Write all your feelings down in a journal. Things about the person, what you miss, etc. Give it to God. If I can be healed in less than a year after my wife and best friend died than there is nothing he can't do. We cannot fathom how awesome he is and it is so sad so many people don't use what is given to them. Trust in him.

I will pray for you
Jason

 
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Old 06-14-2007, 04:23 AM   #3
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Re: cried a lot last night for my friend who died almost 10 years ago

Hi Jason,

Thanks for your response. I do pray for healing but your post reminded me that there is much more about the situation that I could pray about.

I think part of the reason I have difficulty grieving is that I am afraid to "open the floodgates" (so to speak). I am afraid that if I dig deep enough inside and pour out my heart and deepest feelings, it will not be able to stop - there will be too much, and it will be too overwhelming. Yet it does more harm not to deal with the pain that loss brings.

I know that God is awesome - I know that because of what he did for me when he sent his son to die on the cross in my place. My friend became a Christian just before she died. I know I can have hope that I will see her again.

 
Old 06-14-2007, 04:40 PM   #4
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Re: cried a lot last night for my friend who died almost 10 years ago

First off my name is kye and i am a 21 year old female. I lost my dad when I was 7. That was 14 years ago, and I am nowhere near over it. My life is in ruins and I don't know how to fix it. I miss my daddy so much and cry about it every single day. I too have been seeing a therapist now for alittle over 1 month. Its hard and it's painful. I hate thinking about my dad because then I start to cry and then I get the urge to self mutilate. I have suicidal thoughts all of the time and am scared to be alone with myself. It is never too late to grieve. I didn't grieve much when he first died because,I remember about a month after he died I started to cry and my mother told me to get over it he's been dead for a while.I never showed my pain again. Until now. And I don't know what to do with myself. God bless you and I hope you heal soon.

 
Old 06-15-2007, 03:10 PM   #5
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shellshell82 HB User
Re: cried a lot last night for my friend who died almost 10 years ago

Yes, I think I also didn't grieve properly at the time because my parents - my dad at least - treated tears very negatively (he would often say, "What are you crying about? I'll give you something to cry about..." etc. etc.). Generally it was unaccepted in my family to cry. No one in my family really cried that much either - I can almost say that I have cried more than everyone else combined, I think!! They pretend they are tough and stuff doesn't affect them, and they tend to suppress their feelings because they feel so uncomfortable dealing with them - no one talks about their feelings. They are quite emotionally incompetent - emotionally unitelligent.

I love my family very much, but I can see that they just didn't have the skills to deal with grief and emotions properly. My husband's family, on the other hand, seems to have developed much better skills in this area and are always talking about their emotions and talking through tough situations where they need support. Our families are on the total opposite ends of the spectrum!

 
Old 06-15-2007, 03:15 PM   #6
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shellshell82 HB User
Re: cried a lot last night for my friend who died almost 10 years ago

I want to add:

Kye - I'm really sorry to hear what happened to your Dad and what has happened to you. I do hope that seeing a therapist will help you heal in the long run. I too have found that therapy is hard and painful. Some weeks I just don't want to go, it is that hard and painful, and I just think it is easier with the issues left unresolved. But I have to tell myself that I want to deal with these issues and grieve properly and therapy will help me do that. I also tell myself that people grow through pain and hard work.

All the best.

 
Old 06-17-2007, 05:00 PM   #7
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Re: cried a lot last night for my friend who died almost 10 years ago

I too lost my best friend two years ago from advanced breast cancer. I have not dealt with her death until recently as I am currently seeing a therapist. Found talking to someone is both painful, yet helpful. She is helping me too come to terms with Kelly's death, as she was only 28 when she passed away. Shw had a tough battle with cancer and I found it difficult to deal with at times, as I took care of her. I do agree that it is never too late to grieve and everybody grieves differently and at their own pace. I hope this helps. Best of luck to you in your recovery.

 
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