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Old 06-28-2007, 09:10 AM   #1
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Angry Being the daughter of a first family, when the second family is in charge

I am a fifty year old firstborn daughter of a man who is dying. When I was in my 20's he remarried a woman only 6 years older than I who had two young daughters. For over 25 years I have struggled to accept this and the feelings of jealousy as this other woman's children changed their last name's to my Dad's, got to live with a far high standard of living than the first family etc. Now my Dad is dying and this stepmother is completely excluding the natural children from the process. I am so filled with emotion that I am ready to break. How could anyone be so cruel? I am by nature a compassionate person and a hospice volunteer so it is not like I don't have the skills to help my father through this end of life time. It is at the point now where my stepmother and I aren't speaking and I am seriously doubting whether I will be able to attend my dad's funeral. I have made many overtures to try to comfort her but she is steadfast refusing to even acknowledge my existance in my dad's life. I have let her know how I feel about the exclusion and she is ignoring me. I talk to my dad on the phone but he is on oxygen and cries so much that I am not able to get good information about his condition. Has anyone been through anything like this and if so, how did you cope with not being able to be close to your dad while he was dying and how did you cope with the funeral?

Last edited by Nyssandra; 06-28-2007 at 09:12 AM.

 
Old 06-28-2007, 03:32 PM   #2
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Re: Being the daughter of a first family, when the second family is in charge

Why don't you just go see him? Surely she wouldn't cause a scene in front of him. I'd just pick up and go.

 
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Old 06-29-2007, 07:20 AM   #3
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Re: Being the daughter of a first family, when the second family is in charge

I agree. Time to go and visit and don't let your step mother stop you from seeing him. As much as she would like to forget he ever had a family I am sure she is more concerned about your taking the money or whatever your father may have.

Go visit him. He needs you.

Sara

 
Old 06-29-2007, 09:26 AM   #4
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Re: Being the daughter of a first family, when the second family is in charge

Quote:
Originally Posted by Titchou View Post
Why don't you just go see him? Surely she wouldn't cause a scene in front of him. I'd just pick up and go.
I am actually going to see him tomorrow and saw him on Father's Day. I don't live close so it compounds things. I am about a five hour drive away and am not able to drive there.

I know there must be others who have been through this. It would mean so much to have input in decision-making etc. I feel like I am going crazy because I am so fixated on how cruelly the step mother is. She would not cause a scene in front of him, but she is certainly creating havoc behind the scenes.

 
Old 06-29-2007, 01:00 PM   #5
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Re: Being the daughter of a first family, when the second family is in charge

There is nothing you can do about that so let go of it. Just do the best to see him when you can and make some good final memories. That's what is important.....

 
Old 07-03-2007, 09:53 AM   #6
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Re: Being the daughter of a first family, when the second family is in charge

It is hard to make some good final memories when all he wants to do is die. He is not caring about anybody right now but himself. I cannot believe how hard it is to go through this kind of grieving process.

 
Old 07-11-2007, 10:49 AM   #7
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Re: Being the daughter of a first family, when the second family is in charge

My Dad died on Friday morning. My stepmother became upset because a daughter she had disowned tried to contact my dad in hospital. She went in and removed his phone and had them turn off his oxygen and medicate him into unconsciousness. He only lasted hours. He may have had a power of attorney for personal care and she may have had the right to do this but for my brothers and myself - she killed him over a family dispute. It will take me years to get over this. I had to read funeral arrangements on the Internet and attended the funeral as a second class citizen while my stepmother's family all sat in armchairs at the front and I in a foldup chair as if I was nothing. I wasn't invited to join the receiving line so started my own. This was the worst experience of my life and I hope anyone thinking of getting married for a second time or who is in a second marriage will remember that they had kids and made a commitment to them by bringing them into the world. I am grieving and angry so maybe it is not even fair to say it, but my father was a coward and died like one. My stepmother gave me a locket at the funeral inscribed "Love Dad". I won't be able to wear it for a long time if ever. My dad did not buy it. She did. It was hypocritical. My dad may have loved me but my stepmother did not love or respect me. It makes for a very difficult grieving process to be snubbed and lied to and kept uninformed. Sorry for the vent but my mind is in a hellish place right now.

 
Old 07-11-2007, 01:20 PM   #8
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Re: Being the daughter of a first family, when the second family is in charge

Yes, she was a step monster to the very end. But it's over now. Your father has pass on and the step monster is out of your life.

Grieve for your loss but understand there was nothing you could do to change what happened. Step monster will have to live with what she has done. You did everything you could. And your father knows that.

 
Old 07-14-2007, 04:44 AM   #9
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Re: Being the daughter of a first family, when the second family is in charge

Sweetie, I understand your feelings and it is hard to believe some people can be so heartless. Hang on to the fact you loved your father and he loved you and try to let go of the feelings for the step mother. The reason I say that is because it will only hurt you in the long run. Go to grief counseling I lost my husband and feel the need to help in a big way. You have to deal with these emotions in the most positive way you can or it will eat you up. I am just so sorry for your pain.

 
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