I wish there were a way I could talk to some of you in private but since we can't I will briefly say my husband passed away early yesterday morning. He was gone by the time I got to the hospital but he is at peace now after being tormented for years. I grieve him and what I know he really wanted to be and couldn't. I want to remember the gentle side of him. I am having a hard time. My family and his have been very supportive but no one knows all that we went through together. I am very grieved.
Last edited by marshmallow; 07-09-2007 at 03:19 AM.
I'm so sorry, words cannot express how sorry I am. I honestly don't know what to say, I wish there was something I could do. I'm not good at things like this my heart breaks for you right now. How are you doing, let everything out people here including myself care so much about you. I wish there was something I could do for you...
Marsh, I'm soooo sorry from the bottom of my heart, I really am...
I am truly lost. I feel so much guilt over the divorce that was to take place. I blame myself over and over and keep asking for forgiveness. I have so many what if's and I just wish I could talk to him one more time. I want to hold him and tell him its ok. He was so broken hearted I thought I was doing what is right but maybe he needed me there instead of a divorce. I have to go to the funeral home at 10 to make plans. The gulit is going to comsume me.
Please don't have guilt you did everything plus more that you could do... If you don't mind me asking how did he die? I'm really scared to know! Marsh your a beautiful person you didn't do anything wrong, if you could of done it over again we would of been telling you the same thing... You tried your hardest, you actually tried too hard, sweetheart! You've been through enough, I'm so sad for you right now. When I saw your post my heart dropped even before I opened it..
When I don't hear from you I usually post to see how you are doing.. Sorry, I didn't do that this weekend... Honestly words cannot express how bad I feel for you right now... I'm actually crying because I know how much your husband meant to you..
He didn't kill himself but I think he just gave up and his heart gave out. He had told me he just wanted to die. i believe he died from a broken heart. They were going to do an autopsy but I said no. I didn't want to know really. How do I cope with this.
Dear Marsh ~ Oh, my dear friend, I am sooo soo sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. I KNOW, as I am sure that he did, how much you loved him. Yes, he was tormented but not by you or by the divorce proceedings but by the BP that he couldn't recognize, accept, or treat. I am sooo sorry, Marsh and if you could feel our cyberhugs around you and our love for you as our cyberfriend, maybe, just maybe it will be a little bit easier for you to get through this.
PLEASE know that we are here for you whether it be to just vent, share a thought, take some of the pain away or just to sit and be there for you. You know that we are sharing in this and care about you very much.
We love you, dear Marsh, and you will get through this because you are a strong, wonderful person. PLEASE do not allow guilt or any bad feelings to be taken on by you....you did your best by him, Marsh, and sadly he wasn't strong enough to accept what he had or get the help that he needed.
Take good care of yourself and remember we are here for you in anyway that you may need.....you will get through this and we are here to make sure that you do.
Dee and Goody, I am so lost I can only sit here a minute and then I pace around not knowing what to do. Yesterday I had a full house and just wanted to be alone. When alone I dont want to be. I wil miss what should of been with us.
Please accept my condolences on the loss of your husband. I know that the days ahead will be difficult for you. Hopefully you will find some peace in knowing that your husband, who suffered so much, is at peace now. In the difficult days that follow try to remember the good times you shared with your husband. Take one day at a time and remember your friends are here to support you.
Marsh.....you are going to feel that way, it is quite normal so don't you worry. Allow your friends and family to comfort you, often during these times they don't know what to say or do. I would ask each of your family or friends to do something for you specifically....they want to be able to do something and would be so much relieved by your assigning them a special duty.
It may sound silly but as people come to hug you assign them a special duty to help you out throughout the next year. Ask one to call and bring over a cake or cookies and just sit with you. Another you can ask to be your "take me out for a movie" friend. And yet another can be "bring me a bouquet of flowers"....and then some "share an outing to breakfast/lunch or dinner with me". Things to keep you busy like going to the beach, the park, the mall or to just get a cup of coffee out at a diner. There is nothing wrong with that and I believe that you can incorporate that into the days ahead by simply saying...."I am going to miss _______ so much. I truly loved him and it is going to be sooo lonely without him. I thought you could help me through it by being my friend who __________________________. (give them a simple assignment) I am afraid that I will just stay inside and may need the distractions."
Can you do that, Marsh??? I remember when I went into the hospital for some rather major surgery and people genuinely asking what they could do. I assigned them special duties such as bringing a meal, taking in the mail/paper, coming with a slurpee (which I love ) etc. and they were so relieved that I had assigned them something specifically. My one daughter was in charge of lotioning up my feet and the other for making sure that I had a pretty picture, some flowers or a card to decorate my room with. So I think that you could do the same because people genuinely would like to do something but don't know where to start.
Yes, Marsh, you will mourn what should have been with your husband, that is normal too. I hope that this doesn't offend you in anyway but I am a person that believes that God has a plan for each one of us. Perhaps knowing that your husband was never going to get the help that he needed, and thus go on to live a life of misery, HE decided to lovingly call him home back to HIM. Where there would be no more suffering the ills of something that he couldn't understand. Your husband seems to have not suffered and went peacefully.....not having to live in the torment that he has been living having BP and not being medicated.
So, Marsh, as painful as this all may be for you now, just imagine how painful it would be to see the husband you love go through a lifetime of living the way he had been living. I think witnessing that as his wife who loved him would be even more painful than having to say goodbye to him now.
I am thinking about you and keeping you and all those who loved your husband in my prayers ~ Goody
Last edited by goody2shuz; 07-09-2007 at 05:57 AM.
wow Marshmallow - I sure did not expect this. I am so sorry. Please don't feel any guilt. It wasn't your fault. I know you are grieving the loss of him, but also the loss of who you hoped he would be. Things will be OK, marshmallow. He is at peace now......it's time for you to be also. (in a different way, of course.....I hope you know)
I was so sorry to hear your sad news. Please don't beat yourself up, Marsh. I believe you tried as hard as you possibly could to help your husband, but he wasn't really able to accept the help. One of the hardest things any of us have to learn is that we can't "fix" another person, no matter how much we love them.
The days ahead will be difficult, but as you grieve, try to remember the good times without letting them consume you with the "what ifs?" I know that's harder to do than it sounds, but your husband would not want you to be filled with guilt.
You tried, Marsh, harder than alot of women would try and you never stopped loving him. At some point, you realized that you could not help him and you had to self-preserve. There is no shame or guilt in that, Marsh. Try to focus on the fact that he is now at peace and, in time, you'll need to find that peace for yourself while you are still on this earth.
Know that others are concerned for you and care about you and allow yourself to be enveloped in their love.
You have my most sincere condolences, Marsh. No one saw this coming, but we are here for you whenever you need us.
Oh dear, I can hardly believe this news. I am so very sorry, I feel very upset over this, and I know how much pain you are in. Remember that your husband was very ill, Marsh. You have endlessly tried to help him and you have loved him unconditionally while enduring much. As of late, ending the marriage seemed to be your only choice left to preserving your spirit.
I wish I knew your husband personally, but gathering from what you have written, I know he loved you as much as you did him. He was overcome with a disorder and did not have the strength to conquer it, God Bless Him. He is not suffering anymore Marsh, and now he can see everything clearly. I'm quite sure he is looking down on you now and smiling at what a wonderful woman he was fortunate enough to meet in life.
I wish I could jump thru cyber-space to hug you and bring you comfort.
My dear friend, I know we are all praying for you and thinking of you, and sending you much love, strength and courage.
I'm so sorry. I read your post and cried and cried. It's like he just gave up and went to sleep. He is in a better place now free from all the pain & torment that this disorder did to him. I'll pray for you.
I wish I had words of comfort or real hugs. I wish I could give you my ears to listen and the wisdom to be silent because sometimes there aren't any words one can utter. I wish a lot of things and most of all that my deepest thoughts, prayers, and tears are with you and your family right now. May he rest in peace and the love you shared live on in his heart and in yours. Hugs Marsh and I hope that you know if you need us we are here for you. You are not without support, friends, or anyone to care about you. I believe I can safely say that we do at that.
I want to thank everyone for the kind and loving words of encouragement. I think the circumstances make this so hard because of the guilt. Having him die when we were divorcing causes lots of mixed feelings. People don't get it that I loved this man so much no matter what he did. My love didn't have strings attached but living with him did. I am really tired but I will post later I appreciate everyones love and support. So many times people have no idea what bipolar is and don't understand the person or even your loving them. I know beyond a doubt my husband was a kind gentle man with a loving spirit clouded by a terrible illness. I hurt so much thinking if only I could have one more day with him. No more anything now and in time the pain might go away leaving me a chance to find some beautiful memories. It seems almost every occasion was spoiled by his rage but maybe I can forget that too.