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CarenR 07-13-2007 11:08 AM

Grief. over husbands suicide
 
This is the first time I have opened up about my husbands. suicide...

He had major health problems. We spent every weekend in the emergency room.. I think he couldnt stand the pain any longer. The pills were all gone and no one officially said he *( suicide) but I know he did. The night before he knelt by my side and said that he had never loved so deeply anyone but me. we were married 30 yrs. I have never told my grown daughters.. as they couldnt handle him doing this. HE was a wonderful Christian. man. so devoted.. to his family....... He died 6 yrs. ago. I was just in the hospital near our home last week and all these feelings are welling up in me. so thought I would vent here...

I thought maybe I could ask if I shoudl tell my daughters about this now?
I dont know.... I have never told anyone until I wrote this today.......

Caren

marshmallow 07-13-2007 12:30 PM

Re: Grief. over husbands suicide
 
Oh Caren, I am sorry I understand the pain involved with your loss. How old is your daughter? If she is old enough she may already know. I am not sure what the right thing is to do but telling her might relieve you in some way and you would have someone to share it with. Do you think she can handle it?

goody2shuz 07-13-2007 02:19 PM

Re: Grief. over husbands suicide
 
Hi, Caren ~ I think it is good for you to have opened up about this....what a heavy load to carry.:( As far as telling your daughters....I don't know, I have two teenage daughters and couldn't imagine what I would do. I guess my first instinct would be to protect their image of who their father was....I guess I wonder what good would come out of telling them how their father died..particularly when it comes to taking his own life. Some just can't handle that information and he was sick as you said with major health issues. So personally I would probably want them to believe that he died due to health problems.

Nobody can tell you what to do as far as telling your daughters or not, however, if your daughters asked you about their suspicions then by all means you should be truthful. As far as telling them I would imagine that it would be just as difficult for them to bear as it is for you. You should definitely keep on talking this out with somebody....bearing this all alone is not good and you need to let it out. I know that there must be a support group for those who lost loved ones to suicide....perhaps calling the suicide hotline and inquiring about that would be a good place to start.

I noticed your post on the Bipolar board and I think that you are going through some depression and should really look into having the doctor look at your meds and see if there might be something else to add that will help you through this difficult time.

I am sending lots of (((((HUGS))))) and prayers your way. I sure hope that you find some peace and healing for yourself....I know that you have a strong faith as I do and God will certainly see you through this difficult time. If you haven't already read the story called "Footprints" do a search and it will definitely be something that will help you through.

Please know that you are in my thoughts and continue to post and let your feelings out....there are many here who truly will understand and help you through.

Love and ^prayers^ ~ Goody:angel: :wave:

CarenR 07-13-2007 03:24 PM

Re: Grief. over husbands suicide
 
thank you for responding. he has been gone for 6yrs in Aug, I wont tell my daughters.... as no good thing will come of it.....

marshmallow 07-14-2007 04:51 AM

Re: Grief. over husbands suicide
 
While I agree with Goody, I also know that you have bottled this up for 6 years and may need to tell someone to relieve you. Maybe you could talk to a clergy or therapist and let out the way you feel. I agree it would serve no purpose to tell your daughters.

Psimer 07-14-2007 01:52 PM

Re: Grief. over husbands suicide
 
Caren, I think that if you want to tell your daughters it should be when you are talking about your husband and telling stories about his life. Then you can bring up how sick he was and that he was in unbelievable pain. Pain causes stress and stress causes depression. He could have gone as far as he could in dealing with the pain and he felt that it was time to end his life.

I think that he was very brave to end his life. I think it takes a person who has great dignity to make a decision that it's time to let go. I admire him for what he did.

Tell your daughters but also make sure they understand that he did it because he was unable to bear what he was doing to his family and what his life had become. They will understand.

CarenR 07-14-2007 02:07 PM

Re: Grief. over husbands suicide
 
thank you to everyone for answering my post, I originally came here to read about someone else who passed away. I didnt know there was a grief board here... I just felt overwhelmed with grief reading some of the posts...

those were difficult days dealing with his sudden loss, I even sold our home and moved 15 miles north.. to where I live now....

hugs Caren

Imajeanation 07-14-2007 02:33 PM

Re: Grief. over husbands suicide
 
I am very sorry for your loss. I have had similar experience and I know the pain sometimes still seems intolerable. There is a grief group called Grief Share that you can check into for your area online that may be a good support for you. I now attend Grief Share myself. It is a place where I can go alone...to not be so alone. A place where I can otherwise contain the deepest grief moments for that time, and I find that I am already able to better make it through the week.

It sounds like only you and the coroner know the details of his death. That in itself is a heavy burden for you to carry. You need a place where you can talk about this...to let it out and get support too.

Again, with others, I agree that only you can decide what to say to your grown children. You might think about what is on the coroner's report before making that decision. That, I think, is public information. That might help you to decide how to handle this excessive burden re: telling/not telling them other than that he had serious health issues.

One last thing: The degree of pain and suffering that he experienced can certainly cloud a person's ability to think rationally. I hope that you are able to reconcile this inside of your own self.

My deepest regards and prayers for you........and your daughters.


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