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Old 07-16-2007, 02:10 PM   #1
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piperanne HB User
I'm heart broken and scared

Hi guys, I just lost my mother less than a week ago. We just buried her Saturday. My mom was my bestfriend. She just turned 62. She had a pulmonary embolism and survived the surgery but she coded right before surgery and they couldn't get her heart started again for 30 minutes and she was declared brain dead. We talked on the phone 5 times a day. We called just to tell each other good night and I love you. After almost 6 years of infertility problems, I got pregnant and she was so excited. Now, I'm pregnant and don't have my mother. I do have a husband and two older children 10/8 from a previous marriage but I still feel so incomplete without her. I feel as if she will be back and when it hits me she's not it's breath taking. She was my heart and life besides my kids. I cried and cried as she laid there for five days brain dead. I cried at her funeral, now I just can't cry and I'm doing way better than I thought and it makes me feel guilty for some reason. I know I have a long process I"m going to go through and that in itself makes me sad because I just want to be happy and fulfilled again. I just don't know if I can w/o my mom! I feel so angry and want to blame everyone for her death for some reason. I'm so hurt and even get angry at her because she died.........crazy I know. Anyway, I just wanted to write on this board about my feelings!
Thanks,
Piper
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This is TORTURE

 
Old 07-16-2007, 03:07 PM   #2
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Re: I'm heart broken and scared

It's interesting to read your post because it's my first time visiting this or any grief site on the Internet and your story is exactly what I guess I came looking for. I lost my Mom five years ago this November and I never really thought to connect with people online. I watched an episode of Oprah last week with Elizabeth Edwards talking about the loss of her son (I cried for the whole hour, even when they moved on to other topics!). Anyway, she mentioned connecting with others online and I thought it was worth looking into. I understand completely what you are feeling.
I moved away after college and lived 9 hours from home. She'd call at 5:00 every night and we'd catch up. It's no longer every day, but many days I still look at the phone at 5:00 and wait for it to ring. The tears may have stopped for now but they will return. Mine come at night when I lay my head against the pillow. Sometimes they come when I least expect them to, as well, like in the middle of church or watching a grandmother with her grandchild. My mom died at age 56 after a 14 month battle with cancer. I don't know if a daughter can ever make peace with losing her mother too soon. Who knows, maybe if my mom lived to see 80, it would still be too soon. It's difficult enough to feel so cheated out of your own relationship with her, but it's even more difficult when you feel your children are cheated out of a relationship with thier grandmother. I've had two loving and incredibly influential grandmothers in my life well into adulthood and it kills me that my children have lost that.
I understand the panic of facing life without her. There were some days that I'd be driving in my car and have to stop and pull over, thinking "Oh my God, I don't have a mom! What am I going to do?!" It sounds ridiculous, I know, unless you've experienced that loss. You somehow manage to incorporate the pain into everyday life, I guess. You go on living but never, ever without the thought of her right at the forefront. And I think it's helped that I've opened myself up to the possibility that her spirit is with me. I watched my children running down the shoreline last week at my mother's favorite vacation spot in N.C. as the sunset filled the sky with a gorgeous horizon. I truly felt that she was standing there, smiling and enjoying the moment as much as I was. These are the moments that get you through. When your precious child makes his/her entrance into the world, take comfort in believing that she is there with you. I believe your children (and mine) now walk the earth with an unseen grace looking out for them every step of the way.

 
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Old 07-16-2007, 03:26 PM   #3
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Re: I'm heart broken and scared

My heart goes out to both of you losing your mothers. What wonderful daughters. It is great that you have good memories to remember of your mother's. Grief goes through many different stages and I think you have to go through all of them to help the grievng process. There is no way to grieve each person is different so I hope you will eventually have peace. I lost my husband and am trying for that same thing.

 
Old 07-16-2007, 05:19 PM   #4
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Re: I'm heart broken and scared

Everynow and then when I stop by here to visit old friends on the lung cancer board I scan A few other boards so came across Piper's post. I lost my mom to lung cancer in Nov. 2006 after a 2.5 yr battle.

I do think there is often some guilt involved with grief as for some reason we think we should be sitting and crying 24/7 and when it isn't that way we feel some guilt. The day after my mom died I was finding myself more relieved then anything and just not feeling how I had expected to feel and I felt guilty until one of my sister's admitted to feeling the same way. I think I expected my world to fall apart upon her death but instead found that life just goes on.

At first it felt like she had gone on a trip and would be back so while I did miss her I think I let myself think she would be back. Now enough time has passed that the empty feeling has set in and while I do not spend hours crying I do often feel empty like I am just going through the motions of life. There are times when things do make me cry as they bring back memories . Holidays are hard too as my mom so loved holidays and made them special.


I have found the past 8 months to be easier by thinking about what I had instead of what I lost. My mom was a wonderful. loving person and I was so blessed to have her as there are so many people that do not have a mother like that. I also find myself very grateful that life happened as it was suppose too in my case meaning all 4 of my mom's children outlived her . We grow up expecting that to happen but it is not always the case and I currently know two mom's that are watching their children die and thus am thankful that my mom never had to know that pain.Death is a part of life but it doesn't always come in what should be the proper order.

MomFor Two wrote "Who knows, maybe if my mom lived to see 80, it would still be too soon." I can say yes it would still be too soon as my mom was 82 when she died. Until my mom got the cancer she was much younger then her given age and her mother an identical twin live to be 103 and her twin sister died just shy of her 105th birthday thus we had all asummed my mom would live as long as until the cancer she had no major health issues.

I think age does not matter as they are our moms, someone that has loved us and been with us since before birth and that is a strong bond so the loss hurts just as bad no matter what age they are.

Piper, when a death is more sudden like your mom's it is common to feel anger like you do which is why I now feel that the cancer was in a way a blessing as it gave us time to say good by and to wrap up all loose ends . Sudden deaths or prolonged ones in the case of some brain deaths do not give you the options of saying goodbye and coming to accept death so yea anger is common.In prolnged cases of illness like cancer I think one feels relief as you know your loved one will never suffer again and you dealt with anger back when you first learned of the illness.

It sounds like you have some wonderful children to love and can keep your mom alive by sharing stories of her with them. Give yourself time to grieve as not only do we grieve the death but also our old life as a death of a loved ones changes our life. You have my prayers to find some comfort. JanMarie

 
Old 07-16-2007, 08:05 PM   #5
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Emptybonz HB User
Re: I'm heart broken and scared

Piper, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. I lost my mother on May 31st. Six and a half weeks ago....how I miss her. So many times these past few weeks I've thought, "Mom will like hearing about this", and then I remember that I won't ever again get to make that phone call to tell her things that happened in my life. She was 89 and died in her sleep. Yes, I was blessed to have her for a long time in my life, but it still hurts a LOT to lose your mother.

A few days ago I was visiting my son and his family. My two precious granddaughters, age 3 and 5, were taking a walk with me. They were skipping in front of me. Mother loved those great granddaughters so much. As I watched them on our walk, I was talking out loud to Mother (very softly) and saying, "Look at our girls, Mother. Aren't they cute? Do you like Ali's hair cut? How I wish you were here walking with me!" Then the weirdest thing happened. As soon as I said "I wish you were here walking with me", I felt...not physically heard it, but it was something inside me...I felt her say "I am". And I have to admit that I certainly did feel her presence.

Tonight I'm looking through her cookbook...she was a great cook. Sure am missing her tonight.....

Piper, my thoughts and prayers are with you during these difficult weeks. It does get easier. But there is a void inside of me that will probably always be there. It will do doubt be the same for you.

Dianne

 
Old 07-16-2007, 11:03 PM   #6
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Darlene-CA HB User
Re: I'm heart broken and scared

Hi Piper,

So sorry about your Mom. I lost my Mom 5 months ago, she too, was my best friend. My Mom had lung cancer and was supposedly "cured" with surgery. She was in such pain from the surgery that she never wanted to go back for follow up testing. I'm not even sure what exactly "got" her, but she was never pain free after her surgery. She suffered in the hospital for 7 days, then with my brother and I by her side, she took her final breath. I will never forget that moment. Watching and listening to my favorite person take her final breath!! At first, I was relieved, because the suffering was over, but the reality set in all too soon that I could never talk to my Mom again. We would talk at least twice every day. We lived next door to eachother and she saw my two girls everyday. 5 months later.......at times I still can not believe she is gone. I even have dreams about her dying. My Mom was 64, I miss her so much. I miss the phone calls, the lunches together, just knowing she was always on my side........I pray for her to let me know she is ok, I have faith she is in heaven, but I want to know she is with me.........

 
Old 07-17-2007, 06:28 AM   #7
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Re: I'm heart broken and scared

My mom has been dead for three months. Yes, I cried and cried. And I still cry but not as much. I suppose it's because I feel her with me every day. I can't exactly explain it but I know she is here. I do miss talking to her. But she is with me.

Sara

 
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