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Old 08-01-2007, 03:55 PM   #1
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Unhappy Dad dying but I can't bear to see him

My Dad is dying , but I can't bear to go see him. We have never been close as i've grown up I've never been anygood in eyes. Constant arguments and put downs. The occasional bit of Physical violence towards myself or other members of the family. My trust in him was totally destroyed by his behaviour towards me when I was just 14 my Mum was away and he was angry at me as I wsan't in when he came home from work - after lots of shouting and me being in tears he apologised called me over sat me in his lap and kept kissing me nothing intimate but enough for me to go to bed with a Knife under my pillow because of how uneasy he made me feel.
I'm 41 now just a couple of years ago one of my older sisters told me Dad had abused her as a child, it confirmed to me my fears about the situation all those years earlier.
But Dad is 90 and very sick now he has been suffering from dementia for over a year and has recently been moved from Nursing home to Hospital. his death is only hours away as food and water were withdrawn a week ago rather than operate on him again and delay the ineveitable.

I feel awful as although one of my Sisters knows none of the rest of the family know why we don't get on, I can't bring myself to go to the hospital with Mum or others. I feel like I've been depressed for years - I don't want to tell them why but it hurts so much- i don't know wht to do.

 
Old 08-01-2007, 06:33 PM   #2
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Re: Dad dying but I can't bear to see him

If he has dementia then he will not understand what you have to say but still looking him in the face and telling him how you feel will help with your healing process. Remember the only ones that hurt are the ones that are left behind.

 
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Old 08-01-2007, 06:35 PM   #3
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Re: Dad dying but I can't bear to see him

This is a very difficult situation. I think you need to decide if there is anything you need to say to him before the inevitable happens. You may want to forgive or not, or get something off your chest, even if he is not in a state of mind to respond. Once he is gone you wont be able to say it again and may regret not doing so.

Its never to late to go to counseling, I do. Seek strength and advice from God.

take care.





Quote:
Originally Posted by Unhappy one View Post
My Dad is dying , but I can't bear to go see him. We have never been close as i've grown up I've never been anygood in eyes. Constant arguments and put downs. The occasional bit of Physical violence towards myself or other members of the family. My trust in him was totally destroyed by his behaviour towards me when I was just 14 my Mum was away and he was angry at me as I wsan't in when he came home from work - after lots of shouting and me being in tears he apologised called me over sat me in his lap and kept kissing me nothing intimate but enough for me to go to bed with a Knife under my pillow because of how uneasy he made me feel.
I'm 41 now just a couple of years ago one of my older sisters told me Dad had abused her as a child, it confirmed to me my fears about the situation all those years earlier.
But Dad is 90 and very sick now he has been suffering from dementia for over a year and has recently been moved from Nursing home to Hospital. his death is only hours away as food and water were withdrawn a week ago rather than operate on him again and delay the ineveitable.

I feel awful as although one of my Sisters knows none of the rest of the family know why we don't get on, I can't bring myself to go to the hospital with Mum or others. I feel like I've been depressed for years - I don't want to tell them why but it hurts so much- i don't know wht to do.

 
Old 08-02-2007, 12:27 PM   #4
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Re: Dad dying but I can't bear to see him

If your father has dementia he probably will not recognize you and will not acknowledge anything you say to him. However, if you have anything that you need to say, either do it now or put it in writing and burn the letter once you are done.

Your father was very lacking and obviously had problems. However you were a child and didn't have much control over everything. You have to be willing to forgive yourself and know who was the predator.

You may want to seriously consider therapy. You have issues that you need to find peace with and a good therapist can help you out.

Sara

 
Old 08-02-2007, 01:27 PM   #5
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Re: Dad dying but I can't bear to see him

Hi thanks to everyone who has replied, I went to the hospital this morning - and I must have looked liker the grim reaper as I was told to get lost!
i think that maybe I will go and see my Doctor at least and see what they say.
Now isn't the time to tell the whole family what he did- i don't believe in kicking anybody when they're down anyhow. I've shed loads of tears but I don't know why it just breaks my heart to see the others upset.

 
Old 08-03-2007, 08:10 AM   #6
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Re: Dad dying but I can't bear to see him

I'm sorry you are going through this. All the feelings and pain surface when someone is dying, I believe. My husband has went through a lot (just lost his dad). He had unresolved resentments. Losing a parent can never be easy. I don't think it will likely make any difference if he has dimentia.

I think the best thing you can do is find a way to forgive any past hurts caused by him. So you can move on.

I'm sorry for your pain.

 
Old 08-17-2007, 02:45 PM   #7
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Re: Dad dying but I can't bear to see him

Well my Dad has died now his cremamation was last Tuesday. I didn't go back to see again whilst he was still alive - so I didn't get chance to tell him any more, as i said before his last words were get lost. I lost it a bit on the day of the Funeral shed loads of tears- can't say that I feel angry just very hurt and very empty!

 
Old 08-18-2007, 02:55 PM   #8
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Re: Dad dying but I can't bear to see him

I'm so sorry you weren't able to say what you wanted to. One thing I found that helped me, was to write a letter with everything that you are carrying with you. Then either burn it, put it in a balloon and let it float away. Grief and anger can be overwhelming, don't hesitate to see your doctor or a therapist. Take care of yourself d

 
Old 08-19-2007, 12:14 PM   #9
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Re: Dad dying but I can't bear to see him

It was very hard to see my dad when he was dying. My siblings couldn't, they left and maybe God or a higher power fixed it so that I didn't have to be there because I got sick. I started throwing up and had a fever and had to leave the hospital and an hour after I got home, they called and told me he died.

I don't think me being there would've made any difference. I wans't meant to. You probably weren't either. It's going to take time to grieve. Death of a parent is very hard to experience. I still cry when I think of mine.

I am sorry.

 
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