It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Grief & Loss Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 09-08-2007, 07:11 AM   #1
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 3,450
LuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB User
My brother has died

My brother commited suicide yesterday. I can't help but think of the "what if's". I don't think there's anything I could have done to stop him. We weren't close anymore because of his addictions. I had to love him from a distance.

I picked up the phone a few weeks ago and was going to call him. I haven't called him in probably more than 10 years. He always called me. But in the last few years, he hardly ever called me. He was my brother. We should have had some sort of communication no matter what our differences were.

I knew for years that I would get a phone call saying he died. He's been killing himself for years by the way he's been living. But God this has hit me like a ton of bricks. It's so unreal. I want so bad not to believe this. I want a second chance with my big brother. But it's real so I have to believe it and I'm not going to get a second chance with him.

I hope and pray that at least he's got the peace that eluded him all of his life.

Love, Barb
__________________
Live, Love, Laugh.

 
Old 09-08-2007, 11:49 AM   #2
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 12
mark78 HB User
Re: My brother has died

I feel for you, Barb. I lost my brother to suicide five years ago. Your post reminds me of the turmoil of the time after it happened. I wish I could communicate that in some small way I understand what you are going through.

Suicide leaves so many questions and feelings unresolved - it is so brutal. I too went through repeated cycles of questioning what I could have done differently or what I may have missed. It is clear that you loved your brother very much. In the relentless questioning and self-doubt it can be easy to miss the many things that you did to help him. Although his addictions pulled you apart he would have known you were there for him.

Thank you for sharing your feelings, they have moved me and helped me. Over the past few years I have managed to realise on a deeper level that we can't be responsible for other people, no-matter how much we love them.

look after yourself.

love,
Mark

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 09-08-2007, 01:36 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 658
Brocallie HB UserBrocallie HB UserBrocallie HB UserBrocallie HB UserBrocallie HB User
Re: My brother has died

Barb,

I lost my big brother 3.5 years ago, also without having a chance to say goodbye and as a result of some poor decision making on his part. It is PAIN LIKE NO OTHER! I really feel for you as I understand the feeling of losing someone who has literally been a part of your life (good and bad) for your entire life.

The only advice I can give you, and which was given to me when I lost my brother is this: "Be kind to yourself, and easy on yourself because grief is very hard work." I found the first year to be almost impossibly hard and has been progressively easier since. Even now tho, I can be practically knocked to my knees with grief out of nowhere, there's just no rhyme or reason to it.

I'm very sorry for your loss, and I'm here to offer support any time.

Cally

 
Old 09-08-2007, 06:29 PM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 3,450
LuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB User
Re: My brother has died

Thank you all for your kind words and advice.

Unfortunately, this wasn't the first time I've dealt with the loss of a brother. It's the third time. He was the first one to commit suicide.

Oh God this is so hard. One of my brothers was struck and killed by a car and the other died of lung cancer 7 weeks after he was diagnosed. But this......

I just got home from the medical examiner's office. I had to ID my brother. They showed him to me on a screen.

And now the feelings are flooding me. And I'm here in my house all alone. My son is working and my husband is out with his brother. I want to be alone and I don't want to be alone.

I have to go back to that place for his belongings Monday.

I don't know if I can be strong enough to make the arrangements.

No insurance. No money. No assets. Nothing except VA benefits which only covers the grave and marker.

You wouldn't believe how long it's taken me to write this between the tears.

Love, Barb
__________________
Live, Love, Laugh.

 
Old 09-08-2007, 10:20 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif, USA
Posts: 1,530
Mel52 HB UserMel52 HB UserMel52 HB UserMel52 HB UserMel52 HB UserMel52 HB UserMel52 HB UserMel52 HB UserMel52 HB User
Re: My brother has died

I am sorry about your pain Barb. My sister drowned 3 years ago. We all think she had a little help from her husband who was 2 days away from being an ex. However, she did use and misuse prescription drugs. I still take it a day at a time. There is truth to the statement, you don't get over it, you get through it. I still find myself picking up the phone to call her.
I kind of enjoyed the numbness for awhile, nice avoidance to dealing with the reality but helpful to go through the process and the job of taking care of business. I sometimes don't fight back the tears but bring them on, playing old music, looking at pictures. Then I pick myself back up and continue on. I hope you find your strength and peace. You know your brother has found his now. hugs to you and all who have lost.

 
Old 09-09-2007, 05:48 AM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 3,450
LuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB User
Re: My brother has died

I'm so sorry about your sister.

I'm grateful for the tears tight now. It seems better than what my sister is going thru. She wants to cry but the tears won't come for her. So she's physically sick. She can't sleep. Hasn't slept since the day it happened. Everything she tries to eat is coming back up. And now the guilty feelings. She and I talked about our feelings a lot last night. She lives 800 miles away and because of her bad health (heart and lung problems), she won't be coming back.

I can't do anything with the VA today being Sunday so I'm going to see some friends and do some more crying I'm sure.

Love, Barb
__________________
Live, Love, Laugh.

 
Old 09-09-2007, 10:26 AM   #7
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 12
mark78 HB User
Re: My brother has died

I find it heartbreaking that you have experienced so much loss and pain in your life.

I sometimes find that I feel closer to people through a single but very open message-board post than I do to some of the distracted or emotionally unaware people I meet in daily life.

You express your pain so openly and are allowing yourself to cry. With your evident courage and the support of good friends I hope you can find a way through the coming weeks and months.

 
Old 09-11-2007, 05:28 PM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 3,450
LuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB User
Re: My brother has died

Quote:
I sometimes find that I feel closer to people through a single but very open message-board post than I do to some of the distracted or emotionally unaware people I meet in daily life.
Thank you Mark for your kind words. I feel the same way. You all have been so kind, understanding and supportive! This board is one of the things that has kept me from losing it.

I took Monday off work to make arrangements and get all the necisary paperwork done and whatnot. I was on the go from 6am-5pm. Everything was much more messy and complicated than I had anticipated. I put almost 300 miles on my truck going here and there to get this and sign that. I had to take some time to eat a little something so it was a fast food burger and a coke while on the road.

Between my running around and my sister's phone calls, we managed to get everything arranged. We actually did pretty good. A funeral director offered us a free casket. The VA is supplying a plot, a tombstone, a liner, someone to preside over a graveside service and a 21 gun salute.

Still the cost is over $2000. My sister borrowed the money and I'm going to help her pay it off. She has a dear friend who gave $200 to the funeral home. The union where I work gave me a $50 check which I will send to my sister along with another $300. I see the generosity of friends and it touches my heart. I wish my other family members would have been half as kind. But not a penny from them. It's sad that most of the family doesn't even plan on attending the funeral. And the two people who my brother thought were his absolute best friends have totally washed their hands of him because me and my sister did what we, as his family, wanted to do. Those two friends of his are a big part of the reason I've had such a bad headache for the last three days.

Yesterday, when I was doing all my running around, I had a strange thing happen to me. I was driving down the freeway. My window was almost all the way down. I looked to my left and saw a black bird flying straight toward my head! I screamed and almost ran the truck off the road! The bird flew up just inches before flying into my truck. I told my sister about this. She told her Irish friend about it. Her friend said that the Irish believe that when a bird flies toward a person and gets close to them, it's the spirit of the one who's recently departed that has come to say goodbye.

If it was my brother, I'll bet he had a good laugh seeing how terrified I was!

Somehow that incident and what my sister's friend said is giving me some comfort.

Thank you all again. I will post again when the funeral is over Friday. It's going to be rough. But unlike when I lost my other family members, I'll have you all to lean on.

You're all a BLESSING!

Love, Barb
__________________
Live, Love, Laugh.

 
Old 09-12-2007, 07:06 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 3,450
LuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB User
Re: My brother has died

Today, I'm feeling down, angry and a bit used. My whole family is arguing about this and that. My brother was broke but for the clothes on his back and a few dollars in his pocket. What could they argue over? What to do with him and who's going to pay for it. That's it. It's been paid for by the sister who hasn't seen him in 10 years. I am going to help her as much as I can with the payments. I did all the leg work getting everything situated so that we could get him out of the morgue and laid to rest. And now with all the hours of phone calls and running around behind me, I've been listening via phone to family complaining and blaming. It's like a big circus here and the main attraction is total chaos with me stuck in the middle. Right now I want to take my telephone and smash it into tiny pieces so my family will shut up and leave me to grieve for my brother in peace. I'll shut off the phone tonight so I can get some rest. I've been so confused and I'm frustrated. If they want to fight, then fine. But why can't they wait until this is over?

I'm sorry to rant but I've got no one to talk to who is rational at the moment. But then again my family has never really been rational. They're a bunch of self centered, selfish [INSERT GUESS HERE].....yep....you're right....whatever you thought....

I'm physically and emotionally exausted. I took Monday off of work to get things done. I worked yesterday and today while trying to tie up loose ends. Between all that and my family, I'm ready to collapse. My job has been wonderful to me. They've offered me more time off if I need it. I won't take it but it was nice of them to offer. My job sent a big beautiful basket with three different kinds of flowers and four different kinds of plants to my home. My boss was very understanding and sympathetic. I wish the people closest to me were as understanding and sympathetic.

I'm off to try to get some much needed rest.

Thanks for reading the rant! It really helps to get my emotions out any way I can.

Love, Barb
__________________
Live, Love, Laugh.

 
Old 09-13-2007, 02:54 AM   #10
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 12
mark78 HB User
Re: My brother has died

I'm sorry to hear about the family strife you are having to endure at such a difficult time.

I was surprised how much conflict there was amongst members of my family after Phillip's death. Some of the people I expected to be able to lean on turned on me instead. Other people have described an almost identical pattern which has made me wonder whether conflict is a natural product of grief, as unfortunate as it sounds. Focussing almost exclusively on my own needs allowed me to find space to heal and helped me help others when i could.

I hope you are able to rest...
love,
mark


I wrote a haiku on the train yesterday:

hearts that love and weep
for brother's suicide and
friend forever gone

 
Old 09-13-2007, 03:25 PM   #11
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: ottawa, ontario, canada
Posts: 2,218
jinglebts HB Userjinglebts HB User
Re: My brother has died

I am so sorry, Barb. All my sympathy and love.

jb
__________________
keep the faith ...

 
Old 09-14-2007, 01:07 PM   #12
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 3,450
LuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB User
Re: My brother has died

I buried my brother today and although I'm sad, I feel a bit relieved. I believe my brother is in a better place than here. He certainly has now what he always wanted and never had in this life. He's at peace. No more struggles with addictions and no more pain over the regrets of the past.

My nephew wrote a beautiful eulogy for his uncle. It brought me to tears. He read from the scriptures and gave his personal remembrances that were both moving and funny. There were 7 guns fired, each 3x. A flag was to be presented to me but I chose my nephew to receive it because my nephew and brother had a very special bond for many years.

I miss my brother and I'll cry more tears in the coming days.

Rest in peace, big brother. And know that your memory is in my mind and my love for you in my heart forever.

Love, Barb
__________________
Live, Love, Laugh.

 
Old 09-14-2007, 07:24 PM   #13
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Phoenix arizona usa
Posts: 53
jennie23 HB User
Re: My brother has died

Quote:
Originally Posted by LuvMyLilDoggie View Post
I'm so sorry about your sister.

I'm grateful for the tears tight now. It seems better than what my sister is going thru. She wants to cry but the tears won't come for her. So she's physically sick. She can't sleep. Hasn't slept since the day it happened. Everything she tries to eat is coming back up. And now the guilty feelings. She and I talked about our feelings a lot last night. She lives 800 miles away and because of her bad health (heart and lung problems), she won't be coming back.

I can't do anything with the VA today being Sunday so I'm going to see some friends and do some more crying I'm sure.

Love, Barb
I am so sorry barb...My son took his own life in 2006...he was only 39 years old and no ones know why...he lived in another state and 2 months before he was planning on a visit here to az with his girlfriend to spend some time with me but that did not happen , but instead I traveled to his state to take care of his estate....My heart is so broken, because I will never understand why he did what he did......My thoughts go out to you as well as my tears and hope that you find some comfort in these messages ....

 
Old 09-15-2007, 06:57 AM   #14
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 3,450
LuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB User
Re: My brother has died

Jennie, thank you so much! I'm sorry to hear about your dear son.

A friend of mine gave me some comforting words a few days ago. She said that the life my brother has now is much better than the one he's known here. It's the life that he's always wanted. And she was right. He's at peace now. He's been searching for peace and happiness since he was a small child. Now he has it.

I spoke with the medical examiner and he said that the preliminary conclusion (pending toxicology reports) is that my brother did not commit suicide. I wish I could say that brings relief to me to know that. But right now, that just brings up a whole new set of questions.

Love, Barb
__________________
Live, Love, Laugh.

 
Old 09-19-2007, 04:21 PM   #15
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: NJ
Posts: 172
FarmGirl31 HB UserFarmGirl31 HB User
Re: My brother has died

I just read thru this entire thread and I feel one word: heartbreaking.

Quote:
I sometimes find that I feel closer to people through a single but very open message-board post than I do to some of the distracted or emotionally unaware people I meet in daily life.
That is one of the best comments Ive come across in a really long time.
It is true.


To the OP (original poster), I am so sorry for your great loss and all of this pain.... I am sorry for all who posted here and have lost loved ones and are still hurting ( I know it never really does "go away").

I just wanted to say that I think u all are wonderful......
I lost my 35 year-old brother to a car accident around 2 years ago. Not a day goes by that I dont think about and miss him, and feel the sadness deep inside my heart. I feel that by "going on" I am somehow betraying his memory and life here on the earth.

GOd bless each of you,


FG31

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
lost my brother in car crash mandy999 Death & Dying 5 08-01-2008 07:40 PM
My Brother, Fallen Soldier Monkey7935 Grief & Loss 3 03-04-2008 01:08 PM
My brother just died deb416 Liver & Pancreas Disorders 7 09-08-2007 09:49 PM
Brother's sudden death Karen44 Death & Dying 2 03-14-2007 07:08 AM
death of my brother too traumatic Mkeela Death & Dying 2 11-14-2006 04:24 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Ivorygirl (13), rosequartz (11), slenderella (8), JJ (4), writeleft (4), Charlyssa (3), jesseca (3), caringsister54 (3), Kali333 (2), joybob (2)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1013), Apollo123 (909), Titchou (856), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (763), ladybud (755), midwest1 (671), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:20 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!