Some years back, after the suicide of my best friend, I was diagnosed with something called 'Abnormal grief reaction'. I'd never heard of it until the day I was told I had it. What it is, apparently, is a mental state where a person has become stuck in the grieving process somewhere before the stage of acceptance and it is characterised by lots of negative patterns, including morbid thoughts.
You would think seven years down the line that this BS would be over, but it's not. Sometimes it comes back and hits me very hard. For example, just the other day my bf took me for a walk in a beautiful park he had often played in during childhood. It's in a different part of the city to where I'm from so I'm not familiar with that place. We were walking under an arch in an enclosed little stone building, sort of like a tunnel with a tower on the end of it, very medieval looking, and he was walking ahead of me. He stopped in the archway to look at a few squirrels playing on the grass in front of him and all I could see was his silhouette. The most awful thought hit me and it brought a powerful feeling of depression that just hit me like a truck; I thought; "some day you're going to be dead and I'm going to come back here and wish you were standing in that archway with the squirrels playing on the grass infront of you".
I just wish I could stop these thoughts, though thank God they are not anywhere near as frequent as they once were. Was just wondering if anyone can relate or am I literally as alone as this type of thinking makes a person feel.
Oh hi Rose! lol; no I'm not a Scorpio, I'm an Aquarius. I've never seen anything in my behaviour that would lead me to think I had OCD, but I have struggled with addiction in the past, as you most likely know because I've had cause to mention it many times on these boards. Addiction could certainly be considered obsessive in its nature, couldn’t it? Maybe it's psychologically related somehow...
I'm just so sick of these bloody morbid thoughts, you wouldn’t believe. I think I'm a relatively happy functional person, but sometimes I'll just start thinking these crazy things when outside and all around me the situation appears fine and in no way a provocation for this type of thinking. It's very disconcerting and even though, as I said, these intrusions are defiantly lessening in frequency, they're still there and seven years down the line that is upsetting and frustrating for me.
Maybe I should just take myself back to the shrink! Lol
I haven't suffered from the type of morbid thoughts you describe but I do know people with OCD. Death is a trigger for one of these people too. They recommend the books of Lee Baer. She says that 'Getting Control' appears to be the essential text in this area.
Please note I haven't read these texts, have no professional expertise and don't claim to know what your condition is. I have, however, seen people close to me really make huge progress with complusive and disturbing thought patterns through a combination of CBT, support from fellow sufferers, and an informed and proactive approach to their condition.
It sounds like you have already come a long way. I wish you all the best in dealing with this difficult condition.
I'm afraid I wouldn't know but an OCD sufferer I talked to kind of thinks it might. Have you met anyone else with Abnormal Grief Reaction? I imagine it might help to exchange advice and stories. Sorry I'm not more informed. Are you feeling any better or any clearer about what you might do?
I've been through something like what you're going through. After a great deal of soul-searching, I've finally realized its a matter of trust and a feeling of abandonment. We can no longer rely on those we love not to leave us behind, for whatever reason. After awhile, we learn to expect it.
The trick is to change how we think. Learn to enjoy today. Live in the moment when you're with those who are precious to you. Relish those moments. It might sound funny, but I've made "life's uncertain - eat dessert first" one of my mantras. It helps to remind me that life is to be enjoyed in the moment, rather than focusing on what will come in the next moment, day, week, month or year.
Yes, I still get the thoughts from time to time. By refocusing my thought patterns, they've become nothing more than flies. Just swat at them and continue on with what you were doing.