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Old 10-04-2007, 08:10 AM   #1
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Is an 'i don't care' attitude part of the greiving? please read on. . .

Hello all.

I have read many of your posts and found alot of help and support throught the 'caregivers' board here. Well, now I've moved on to the death, dying and greiving boards. My Mom died on Aug 26. It's been a rough month and a half, but we're trying to do what we can for Dad now. He's the important one.

Yesterday my husband mentioned something about how my brother has become since his wife died (2 yrs ago, she was 37). It seems like he has no tact anymore, or just doesn't really care. Unless it concerns his kids or himself, it's like he doesn't give a cr*p. My hubby also mentioned that I've been like that since Mom died. Kind of like "yeah, whatever" attitude. I don't seem to take care of 'stuff' like I used to....meaning housework, pet care, like not much interest in stuff sometimes. I still do the housework, running kids to school activities and working, but I could care less if I were to lose my job tomorrow. It's like i'm just waiting for the boss to say something, anything to me so I can find an excuse to quit. It's almost like not much pleasure in things alot of the times.

My question is .....Has anyone else experieced the "don't give a sh-t" attitude? Not towards EVERYTHING. I care immensley about my family---kids, husband and my Dad---but don't really worry about or care about anything else. Is that (or a similar attitude) part of the greiving process? I've never lost a Mom before. Never had someone SOOOO close to me die.



Thanks for any advice you may have :-)

----mmmcoffee

 
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Old 10-08-2007, 06:10 PM   #2
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aspidites HB User
Re: Is an 'i don't care' attitude part of the greiving? please read on. . .

When my grandmother and my aunt died I went through the same thing. You are going through a hard time and you may be going through the subconcious realization of how there are certain things that just seem so meaningless once you lose someone you care about. I think for me it was hard because I just felt like I was on auto pilot. I know that for my mother she was like that too. I think she didn't feel like she had the time to grieve and was forcing a front without realizing it. She would take care of us, and do the things she had to do, but there were no extras. That is because she hadn't let herself go through grieving so that she could begin to heal. Some people don't go through this for months even years. Death is a hard thing and even if you believe in God or Allah, or whatever you believe in it is hard to comprehend. It hurts, and it's not something easy to deal with. In my experience your behavior is normal. It would be more worrisome if you were happy and having a great time. The other consideration about death as well is that sometimes especially when we are parent's we worry about our children and how they feel about it, and protecting them, and not letting them see us upset. I am really sorry about your mom (hugs). I know how hard it is to lose someone who is close like a mother but not my mother. I think your behavior is normal and I was the same as was my mother. It's been 15 years now since my grandmother died and there are still days where I miss her. My mother is the same. But the days go by and we heal. And the memories are good.

 
Old 10-09-2007, 07:32 AM   #3
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Re: Is an 'i don't care' attitude part of the greiving? please read on. . .

Thank you for your response. Yes, I completely understand the whole 'autopilot' thing. Right after Mom died, I was the one who called people I hadn't spoken to in 25 yrs, called the funeral home, arranged obituaries, thank you notes in the papers etc etc. I am the one who lives local and knows most of my parents' friends and people in town. I am kind of like the family secretary. Being the only girl, that's just how it worked out I guess. So, yes, it's been autopilot. I have broken down, cried for hours and done that too. Every morning I go to Dad's for coffee. We usually end up doing some cleaning or something, then leave after lunch, and go back before dinner. Usually it's dinner here or there. Tonight's over there. I try to keep him busy and don't like to leave him alone much. I know there'll be a time when he had to get used to it or deal with it, but I hate to leave him alone. Unless he asks and wants to be alone. I'm still trying to do everything for everyone, but that's how I am. I have to be busy all the time. People have said the attitude will subside or go away, but I don't know when. Right now, I could care less about my job, or stupid little unimportant things like that. I'd rather be at every soccer game, band practice, dinner every night and stuff like that. I guess losing Mom makes you wonder what really is important and in what order of importance things should go. I guess I'm still trying to figure that out.

Thanks for the response. Have a good afternoon :-)

mmmcoffee

 
Old 10-10-2007, 04:24 AM   #4
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Re: Is an 'i don't care' attitude part of the greiving? please read on. . .

I have to agree that what you are feeling is part of the grief process. My mom died Nov. 25. 2006 and I too had that " I don't care attitude" It was very hard coming back to work and getting involved in life again. I felt like I was just going through the motions of life or sleepwalking through life. I would often wake up in the morning and think when is something good going to happen that makes me feel glad to be alive?The past couple weeks have been a bit better and I now feel like I am starting to take interest and care about things again. My best friend had surgery and was off work for 6 months and at the end of the 6 months her dad died. She told me how she got use to being lazy after 6 months off work and was having a hard time getting anything done and getting into her work and felt like she just did not care. I told her she is not lazy it is grief causing those feelings. Grief is a very powerful thing . Rest assured what you are feeling is pretty normal for many.

I have now come to accept that there is no returning to my " normal life" as that life is gone and now I must create a new normal. Like you I have a dad that is rather lost without my mom, problem is mine is 120 miles away but I try to go spend a few days with him every 3 weeks or so. He is 83 and the adjustment to being on his own is very difficult, your dad is lucky to have you close by.

Hang in there as it does get better but it does take time and we all move through grief at our own pace. I still have plenty of difficult days but as I said I am starting to enjoy things again and may even start doing agility with the dogs again. That was one thing I really enjoyed but it too fell by the wayside as I just could not enjoy it.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your mom as that is a difficult loss in most of our lives. JanMarie

 
Old 10-10-2007, 10:23 AM   #5
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Re: Is an 'i don't care' attitude part of the greiving? please read on. . .

I can relate too... my mom passed away on Dec 26, 2006. The last 9 months have been "sandwiched" with varying degrees of raw & intense pain, unbridled fury and "in the middle" total apathy...

I suppose things have gotten better over the past couple of months but things seem to punch me in the face pretty regularly and unexpectantly regarding the grieving and loss. My father too is left behind and I am probably the one who picks up the most emotional slack, which is no hardship, I'm glad to do it. I was very close to my mother and almost as close to my father (closer now that she's dead).

All we can do is try our best to get through this without suppressing our emtions but also recognizing that sometimes severe grief can lead to depression. I think you're well within the "normal" range, what ever that is! It's only been a couple of months since your mom passed away.

I will be thinking of you.

 
Old 10-12-2007, 02:26 AM   #6
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Re: Is an 'i don't care' attitude part of the greiving? please read on. . .

Quote:
Originally Posted by mmmcoffee View Post
Hello all.

Yesterday my husband mentioned something about how my brother has become since his wife died (2 yrs ago, she was 37). It seems like he has no tact anymore, or just doesn't really care. Unless it concerns his kids or himself, it's like he doesn't give a cr*p. My hubby also mentioned that I've been like that since Mom died. Kind of like "yeah, whatever" attitude. I don't seem to take care of 'stuff' like I used to....meaning housework, pet care, like not much interest in stuff sometimes.

I still do the housework, running kids to school activities and working, but I could care less if I were to lose my job tomorrow. It's like i'm just waiting for the boss to say something, anything to me so I can find an excuse to quit. It's almost like not much pleasure in things alot of the times.

My question is .....Has anyone else experieced the "don't give a sh-t" attitude? Not towards EVERYTHING. I care immensley about my family---kids, husband and my Dad---but don't really worry about or care about anything else. Is that (or a similar attitude) part of the greiving process? I've never lost a Mom before. Never had someone SOOOO close to me die.

----mmmcoffee
Yes, it is very normal and can last for quite some time, depending how long it will take you to overcome your grieving. Lean to let go, cry scream whatever healthy way might help you..... but keep paret of your rationality present if you have young children. (they do suffer also and often we tend to ingore their griving as ours seems more important.....)

I dont mean to be mean to anyone but death is something I started facing at age 5 and almost every year or second year a family member or close friend would go to heaven.... and have had time to give it some thoughts through my long years passed here.

Some find something positive and kick out of 'numb-dont give a s'''t' and else reaction where for others it can last years (abnormal and should seek help if it lasts that long) or develop negative. destructive. or disruptive reactions (also needing help).

My dauther in law lost her father who was closer to her than her mother and has this 'dont give a darn' attitude towards things-people she used to care for, her brother still has it undwelt the loss 5 years later, same for her. Still they both refuse to admit their resentment and unresolve feelings about their loss. He as a special man in his own way.

It is a normal reaction and each must find a healthy way to come out of it, each in its due time but when time last too long or develop unhealthy attitudes then its time to look for outter help instead of doing the bottling up.... or pursuing the 'dont give a darn about ....' your loss is recent yet already your husband is worried ...... for you and see a repetition, pattern of your own brother's doings..... underlying message on his part..... I'd give it some thoughts and discussi it openly with him and ask his support and comprendsion yet listen to him ...... he sees things more clearly than you do at this time..... dont refrain your pain but be more aware....

True enough that they were not given the 'right' nor 'time' to grief having to do all on their own, mother being a zombie for 2 years from his death.... and left them both (the kids) marked deeply....

I understand your doing all for your Dad my dear but do not forget that your family might also ressent from your not being fully present at home.... how old are your kids? If your husband has brought it up to your attention I'd believe that he is worried about how you are reacting-acting yourself.

If you feel like it could do you some good, there are mourning group both online and offline and therapist-psicolog there for you.... reach out if you need to.... but dont close yourself and do not go into denial of some changes taking place.

In first person you suffer but your loved ones do also from the loss of grandma and worry about their 'mom'.........

sending you thoughts of wisdom and lots more thoughts of inner peace.
you'llnever forget her hun and keep her alive sharing with your family, kids etc.... photos and best moments shared together so that for them too she will somehow remain a present part of their life.

hug, mezzup

 
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