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Old 10-15-2007, 04:55 PM   #1
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analisa4 HB User
Loss of a child.

On September 28, 2007 my oldest child and only son died in a motorcycle accident. I am so angry at him for doing this to me. I miss him so much. I don't think I will ever be able to move on. How do I even begin to cope? If anyone has any words of wisdom for me I would appreciate it.

 
Old 10-15-2007, 05:17 PM   #2
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Xant HB User
Re: Loss of a child.

Honey, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Anger is a normal reaction when you lose someone, as it sadness, despair and all the other feelings us humans are capable of. It has only been a very short while and also, losing a child must be the most painful thing anyone can go through. I'm sorry, I have no words of comfort except that there are people here who will listen to you when you need them.

I read once that it is a good idea to write a letter to the one who has died, explaining what you are feeling etc, apparently this helps to work through the grief.

I have two children and can't imagine what it must be like to lose one. I wish I could give you a great big hug right now.

Xant

 
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Old 10-16-2007, 04:49 AM   #3
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Re: Loss of a child.

Morning Analisa...I am so sorry for your loss. My 21 year old daughter died in an instant in an auto accident 10 years ago. It has taken me 10 years to gain some sort of normalacy in my life. I miss her daily, still love her as I did when she was a baby.

Analisa we are all different. We all grieve differently. There are no right or wrong ways to grieve. There are years in between that I don't remember. I just kept getting up every morning like a robot and going to work, cleaning, etc. The writing of a letter as the last poster suggested is a good idea. Talk to God and talk to your son alot. You need to do whatever it takes to help you to go on.

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God doesn't give a choice here but to get up breathing every morning although it is against everything a parent is made from. I'm here for you.

ICC

Last edited by Administrator; 10-24-2007 at 11:28 AM. Reason: disregard of rules

 
Old 10-16-2007, 10:19 AM   #4
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analisa4 HB User
Re: Loss of a child.

Xant-thank you for your kind words and the idea to write a letter to my son. I think that when I'm stronger I will try doing that.
Icc, thank you for your honesty. I know what you mean when you say "robot". I feel as though I have to keep going and I just don't want to. I have three daughters to take care of and when I start to cry I feel them looking at me. I just don't know how I will go on. I just want the pain to stop and I know in my heart it never will.

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I thank you both, again, for your kind words.

Last edited by Administrator; 10-24-2007 at 11:28 AM. Reason: don't ask members to break the rules.

 
Old 10-17-2007, 01:57 PM   #5
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Re: Loss of a child.

analise..i'm so sorry for your loss. i too lost my 29yo son, my best friend on feb 6, 2006. i still can't believe it. i wake up in the middle of the night, or during the day and just remember the look on his face when i found him...or the day before he died when he was so sick and wouldn't go to the hospital. people say he isn't suffering anymore. but i never thought about him suffering...he didn't live his life that way at all.

it is the most awful thing to go thru. don't be angry with him..use your anger so that other drivers will be aware of motorcycles on the road..helmut laws...and channel when you can that energy into something positive.

i'd like to say that is what ive done, but i haven't. to this day, i still can't get myself to the local grieving group for parent's who have lost children. NOONE wants to join that club...no one stands in line to sign up.

my heart goes out to you. some days are worse than others,,,holiday, birthdays,,etc..or just a monday or a tuesday...and some moments will be better.

you will be ok..i will pray for you along with others in our special club. my best. p *hug*

 
Old 10-19-2007, 09:54 AM   #6
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Re: Loss of a child.

Hootyhoo, today at 10:51 P.M. it will be three weeks since my son died. This is such an evil thing to have happen. I feel robbed of what my son could have become. He was reckless at times, but he was coming around he had plans and wanted to do things with his life. No parent should have to go through this. I don't want to think of what the holidays will be like. I can't even think of what tonight will be like. A co-worker of mine said the stupidest thing the other day and I wanted to just scream at her. How do you deal with stupidity? How do you deal with living? I just can't do this. I am so sad and miss my boy so much. I wish I knew why this happened.

 
Old 10-19-2007, 11:15 AM   #7
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Re: Loss of a child.

analisa...*warm hug*...there is NO reason for it to happen...that i've ever seen or felt since the day it happened to my son. people would say things that i thought were really just plain stupid...and i could feel myself getting angry inside,,,and would try to tell them i just didn't buy that nate suffered,,,or i would have known it. he never complained. and he went thru so much..he was a true hero. people think they are saying things that may comfort you. and it doesn't. i don't think they mean to, but it just happens.

your son is a hero too . there is a reason they are gone,,,and a purpose for us to go on...tho it is not clear what it is. i don't do great things,,like charitable events or such..but still there is something. i just am not ready to see it.

holidays are <hard>
....i'm not going to lie. my son's birthday this year was on mothers day..three months after he died. and now..in feb it will be two years and i still wake up seeing it all happen...

your life will never be the same......but i'm here for you. you will get thru this...i promise. p

Last edited by Administrator; 10-24-2007 at 11:25 AM. Reason: use appropriate language, not cuss words

 
Old 10-23-2007, 06:03 PM   #8
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Re: Loss of a child.

analisa...i'm thinking about you...it is about 9pm my time...just checking in to see how you are doing today....hope it was a decent one for you..

 
Old 10-24-2007, 05:50 AM   #9
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Nyxie63 HB UserNyxie63 HB User
Re: Loss of a child.

Analisa,
I know what you're going through. I lost both of my children in a car accident 13 years ago (it'll be 14 years on Nov 2nd).

I posted the below info on another thread awhile ago, but am reposting it here in the hopes that it will help.

"You'll probably find that people in your life either don't want to hear about your loss or will tell you how you should be feeling ("aren't you over that yet?"). Find a safe place where you can talk about your loss - someone who will just listen. It's what you need right now and what you'll need for some time to come.

You'll probably find that people can say seemingly insensitive or "stupid" things. They don't mean to hurt you. It's just that they don't know how to make you feel better (and they really do want to) and feel the need to say something... anything.

Take the time to grieve. If you feel like crying, then cry right then and there. Don't worry about what others might think. Do it. You need to.

Make sure to take care of yourself. Watch your health and eat properly. Make sure your other children and spouse are doing the same.

Everyone grieves differently, so be there to listen to your family as well. If they won't discuss it with anyone, then suggest going to see a counselor. It's harmful to keep it bottled up. I'm living proof of that. It just comes back, sometimes years later, and bites you. Sometimes people act out, mostly out of pain, or anger, or a combination of both. Keep an eye out for this.

Holidays, birthdays and annivesary dates are going to be rough for everyone. Prepare yourself for this. Sometimes you might look towards that date for weeks with dread. Other times, it might sneak up on you. That's ok. Don't beat yourself up for not anticipating more pain. It's all part of the recovery process and, while we all go through the same stages, it's a different experience for everyone.

13 years later, it still hurts. I don't think the pain ever goes away, you just get used to it. But I can finally look back and remember the good times without pain. I can see something the kids would have really liked and smile at the thought of their reactions. Even though my children are gone, they're still part of who I am and a part of my life.

My thoughts are with you and your family. You're not alone in this."

 
Old 10-24-2007, 06:27 AM   #10
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hootyhoo HB User
Re: Loss of a child.

nyxie..how old were your two children? how awful...and your suggestions to us all are very good. thank you.

no one signs up to be a member of this club. the people in this awful 'club' are very compassionate and caring. i'm not quite two years out, but i recall people not wanting me to cry around them....when i had no control over it..(and still don't)

i have not seen a counselor, nor been to a grieving group, but still intend to go. it's so difficult. my husband came home from work yesterday early, and i'd been crying all afternoon..and i have no clue what set it off, other than my heart was hurting so bad!

thank you

 
Old 10-24-2007, 08:06 AM   #11
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Nyxie63 HB UserNyxie63 HB User
Re: Loss of a child.

Hooty,
You're quite welcome. I'm so sorry for your loss as well. {{{{{ big hugs }}}}}

My daughter was 10 and my son was 8. The accident wasn't really anyone's fault. It was just one of those stupid things that happen. At first, I was angry with the driver of the car, but then realized he was being eaten away from the inside by guilt and grief as well. Forgiving him has helped me move along in my own healing.

My healing has been a long and difficult one. I'm still broken, but at least I can function fairly normally now (for the most part). I was in denial and suppressed the pain and grief for 4 years. Then one morning, it all came up in one big smack over the head. What I posted below is the result of what was learned from that headsmack. I've since been dx's with PTSD, depression, and various anxiety disorders, all stemming from the accident and the initial 4 years of not dealing. I'm posting my story so others will seek help sooner. If even one person can avoid going through all this, then being "naked" in public is worth it.

I attended a couple of meetings of a grief group aimed at parents who had lost children. I'm afraid my first impressions weren't favorable, but I don't want that to influence your opinion if you choose to attend. I think it just wasn't what I needed at that time. If nothing else, some of the parents there opened my eyes to what I *could* become if I didn't deal with the pain/loss. I looked at them and realized I didn't want to spend the rest of my life focusing on the death of my children, rather than their lives.

Overall, I found the things that helped me the most were talking and crying. I think both help to get the emotional toxins out of our system. If left there to sit and stew, the pain and grief only serve to poison our bodies, minds, and souls.

Guilt is another biggie. I used to beat myself up for not crying everyday, or being able to get through an important day without breaking down, or not behaving the way I thought others expected me to. Forget that. I've since learned that being able to celebrate means that I'm healing. Being able to smile at a memory means that I'm healing. And I gave up on trying to live up to the expectations of others quite some time ago.

I've since adopted the following philosophy: How can I honor the lives of my children if I give up on my own? They'd want me to be happy and to live the life they no longer can. To be able to find joy in the simplest of things is the greatest gift I could give them and also the greatest gift I could have received from them.

Be well.

 
Old 10-24-2007, 08:48 AM   #12
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Re: Loss of a child.

thank you for right now. i do smile with memories...but at times consumed with guilt. we woke up,heard him coughing....and i said i'd take him to the hospital when he woke up. an hour or two later,,no noise..i went upstairs...he was dead. i think. i didn't do cpr...and he was still warm in his back and back of his head. hands cold. so awful. i wake up in nightmares..when i called his name..did he move,,,did he take his last breath then...if we had woken him up and taken him to the hospital earlier,,would he still be alive?

i knew it was coming. he had kidney disease for many years...he was 28..he never complained...or griped about suffereing. he was a joy...my best friend. so smart..awesome sense of humor.

i feel like i should do something really spectacular for him..to celebrate his life...but i just don't have it in me yet...or ever!!! he was not a showy person...i am somewhat better...but i do know i keep alot inside,,,unless i'm with my husband...who was his stepfather...loved him the same as me...they were very close...even closer than his real father at times.

anyway...i am ok..just not always. p

 
Old 10-24-2007, 10:25 AM   #13
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analisa4 HB User
Re: Loss of a child.

Nyxie63 and Hootyhoo- thank you both for your concern and words of wisdom...this is all so new to me. I have been back at work and for the most part enjoy being there. I hate being in our home...I keep thinking my son will knock on the door or come walking in the house...and, yet, I know he never will again...I miss him so much..and I too, feel guilty that I don't cry every moment of everyday...People do say some stupid things...I have found that out in these three weeks since my boy died. I cannot believe it has only been three weeks, well three and a half really. In one breath it seems like only yesterday, but in the next I almost can't remember him, his voice, his smell, his laughter...I just want to remember everything about him. Will I forget these things I hold so dear? I don't want to forget...I need to remember and I miss him so much.

 
Old 10-24-2007, 12:01 PM   #14
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hootyhoo HB User
Re: Loss of a child.

you won't forget him, analisa,,that never happens,,, sometimes i wondered why i didn't cry uncontrollably all the time...or at odd times...and that's just the way it is. now...almost 2yo, i still break down. i read about your son, and Nyxie's children and i see how fragile we still are. Nyxie is several years out from where I am...you are just a year over behind. ut it still feels like yesterday.

I'm glad you have work. I don't work, so my husband and I went out of town for a couple of months. Thinking i was doing ok, we came home,,,and it started all over again! Then...we couldn't bury him til the summer time,,,so it happened all over again.

Cry when you need to, sleep all day when you need to. Talk to anyone you can and will listen. It's a baby step after the next one. You will be ok, I promise. Please keep intouch. peg

 
Old 10-24-2007, 06:28 PM   #15
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analisa4 HB User
Re: Loss of a child.

Hootyhoo, your name is Peg? I must have written the wrong info...it has only been three weeks and five days since my sons death... I miss him so much... Is it normal to seem to have forgotten his smell, smile, laugher, face so soon?? I do remember what he looks like, but the details, seem to be gone for now. Why is that I so want to remember him, but can't? Will I ever get that back? I don't want to forget, like so many people seem to have already done. I love him so much and would do anything to have him back with me and I mean anything. This just isn't fair. His sisters didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve this. How will I ever be able to be their parent again? How do I go on? I just hate waking up each morning and HAVING to go on like NOTHING has happened!!

 
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