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Old 10-26-2007, 10:14 AM   #1
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Miss My Mom

I WOULD LIKE TO COMMUNICATE WITH OTHERS THAT ARE HAVING A HARD TIME WITH THE LOSS OF THEIR MOM. mY MOM DIED IN MARCH THIS YEAR AND i FEEL SO ALONE. I HAVE A 15 MONTH OLD SON AND A HUSBAND, BUT I DO NOT GET THE SAME LOVE FROM THEM AS MY MOM GAVE TO ME..I AM SO SAD...

 
Old 10-26-2007, 04:56 PM   #2
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Re: Miss My Mom

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. No one can ever replace her and there is no love like a mother's love.

I lost my mom 14 years ago. I too had a young child age 4 at the time. For a long time, I felt like my heart had been ripped to shreds and that I was desitned to feel this pain for the rest of my life. I had a husband that loved me dearly and a son who was (and is) the light of my life. But their love couldn't ease the pain I felt from the loss of my mother, my dearest friend, the one who loved and understood me in a way that no one else could.

After my mom died, I felt a profound loss. I was sad, confused, angry and probably many more things. I remember going to her grave the day after she was buried. I went alone and I cried and threw a big tantrum. I was angry that my mom didn't tell me how sick she was. I was angry at her. I was angry at myself for being angry at her. I was angry just because I was angry and sad. I didn't talk to anyone about how I felt because I truly thought I was going crazy. I didn't think I could live a happy life again.

My mom died Sept. 25th, 1993, five days after my birthday. Before she got too sick, she bought and wrapped all the grandkid's Christmas presents. She knew she wouldn't make it till Christmas. The first Christmas without her was horrible! Seeing those kids unwrap and open those gifts was heart wrenching. We all cried for her.

As the years have passed, the pain has lessened. There is a new generation coming in our family now. Now at Christmas and all through the year, I think back to happy memories with her. I remember her smile and I smile. I still cry sometimes. I still wish she were here with me to give me her loving hugs and advice.

Give yourself time to grieve. The process takes a long time. You did the right thing by reaching out. You're not alone.

Search online for a list called "The 7 Stages of Grief". I couldn't believe how accurately these stages discribed how I felt.

One day, you'll think of your mom and feel her love without so much pain. Yes, your mom's love is still there with you in your heart. And when the pain begins to ease for you, you'll see that your mom's love is her gift for you to pass to your dear son. And that's just one of the ways that her memory will live on forever.

Love, Barb
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Old 10-26-2007, 06:45 PM   #3
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Re: Miss My Mom

Thank you for responding to my "cry". I am sure that time will ease the pain, I just am so saddened that she will not be here to share in my son's life and that our family (my two brothers, our only living relatives) is so dysfunctional that they are not able to come together with me in mind or spirit to celebrate our mother, or cry together, and support one another through this time.

My husband does not have a close relationship with his mother, so it's hard for him to understand what I am experiencing. My mother and I were such good friends and always there for one another throughout our very tumultuous life. We really had noone else to lean on and I was there for her until the end.

Now I am obsessed with my own mortality and concerned for my son and myself...will I be here for him?? Will my life be taken by ovarian cancer like my mother's?? It is all so scary. I know that I shouldn't worry about things that I have no control over, but at this "raw" time, it is difficult not to..

Anyway, I am enjoying my little man every waking moment. I know that once he can really communicate with me I will have a new companion to share life with on a level only a mother can share...now I will be the Mom.

I will always miss the feeling of my mother's touch and sound of her voice, but I will always have her love in my heart and can only hope that my son will love and cherish me the way I do my Mom.

Thanks again.

Be Well.

 
Old 11-01-2007, 08:06 AM   #4
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Re: Miss My Mom

Quote:
Originally Posted by GASTON55 View Post
I WOULD LIKE TO COMMUNICATE WITH OTHERS THAT ARE HAVING A HARD TIME WITH THE LOSS OF THEIR MOM. mY MOM DIED IN MARCH THIS YEAR AND i FEEL SO ALONE. I HAVE A 15 MONTH OLD SON AND A HUSBAND, BUT I DO NOT GET THE SAME LOVE FROM THEM AS MY MOM GAVE TO ME..I AM SO SAD...
Hello----

I have been looking for a post like yours for just over two months. My Mom died Aug 26...since then, I'm just not 'right'. I am the youngest of 5 kids, and the only girl. I am married, and have two girls (5yrs-9yrs) but Dad has become my main concern. I worry about him alot. and Hate when he's alone. I know it bothers him too--eating dinner alone, sitting down to watch tv alone, just not having someone there to be with or talk to. He does need some time alone, but it's so sad to see him at the table. We've been alternating dinners at one house or the other most times. But after dinner time, I feel so bad to leave.

Since Mom died, I am sad alot of the time also. There's no way anyone can replace your Mom.....There is only one MOM. My kids and husband love me, and I do them, but it's not the same. Being the only girl, Mom and I were different than the boys. I can't explain it. Every day, a song come on the radio that makes me cry, or I see something, or smell something...isn't that wierd...the smell part? I can't use DOVE shampoo or conditioner. I used to wash Mom's hair once a week and that was what she used. The night she died and a few days after, myself and brother slept over my dad's house. It drove me crazy to take a shower and wash my hair. All that was in the bathroom was the Dove. That was all I could smell. It's wierd little things like that.

Did you go through having an attitude like you didn't care, after your Mom died? Not about family, but about everything else? I did. It was wierd. I didn't give a poop about my job or much else. My family was all that mattered and everyone else and everything else could go to h***. It took a little while to stop feeling that way. Some days I still do though. But not all the time like I used to.

I don't know your Mom's situation, but there's a song I really like. It still makes me cry sometimes, but most times, it makes me think of Mom and stuff we used to do, or things she used to say. It's called "Walking Her Home" by Mark Schultz. I happened to hear it on the radio a couple of weeks before Mom died, and never forgot the words or the title.

For those of us who have lost our Mom's, I think there is part of us that will always be sad, always feel empty. There is no love like Mom's. It can't be replaced. Just hang onto the feeling, that's what I do sometimes. Try to remember the fun stuff you did, the way she laughed, her little quirky ways or habits....stuff like that.


Please write back. I'd like to know how you're doing. You may even be able to help me at times too. Have a good day. And remember your Mom. She's smiling down at you, I'm sure.

mmmcoffee

 
Old 11-06-2007, 12:46 PM   #5
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Re: Miss My Mom

Thanks for responding to my letter...sorry it's been a few days...everyday life seems to take over....

I am sorry for the loss of your mom too. No matter when it happens, it is so sad to lose your biggest fan. My mom and I also had a very special relationship. I am the youngest of three kids and the only girl. My one brother, unfortunately, is a homeless alcoholic. My other brother is very caught up in his children's lives with his wife, so they rarely interacted with Mom. Even though they lived less than 30 minutes from her. Very Sad..but due to all our family issues (Dad died when I was 17) my mother and I were the very best of friends. we were on the phone CONSTANTLY. I loved talking to her, she was always positive and encouraging. She was a great listener and never lectured anyone..she always felt everyone deserved another chance.

Mom re-married and although the marriage wasn't great, she stayed with the man, Clem, until she died. Although she wanted nothing more than to come live with me (about and hour north) and my husband and newborn son so she could enjoy our conversations face to face. My husband built an addition on our home for her that she never got to see.

I am so saddened by my loss. I pray that she truly is in a place of pure love and joy, never having to worry about her homeless son, or be concerned about everyone else and not putting herself first.

It is so difficult to visit her husband of 16 years, Clem. First of all, he never liked that Mom and I were as close as we were. He would get mad at her for talking to me so much, or for wanting to come up and spend a night with me. These are things that are hard to get over for me.

on the other side, Clem is 88 and did the best he knew how for Mom. I know that and I try to keep in touch with him because he is so lonely. Poor guy, he has always had someone there to eat dinner with....

It's difficult for me, I am the only one trying to make Clem feel less alone, my brothers could care less and Clem has 6 kids, all of which live out of state and are very busy. I don't have the heart to stop talking to him. I send him pics of my little boy regularly and send him funny e-mails when I can.

The loss of Mom has changed me. I am also very concerned about my family and could care less about work. I own my own business and I am lucky I have a great assistant, if it weren't for her, I'd be out of business.

I am reading a book called Feather Brushes of the Heart(I think). It is stories from women who have lost their Moms but still feel her spirit near them. Some stories are a little out there, but many of them are simple reminders that your mother lives within you now, in your heart, in your actions, and in your thoughts.

We will never feel as whole as we did when we had Mom to call, but we must rejoice in the love that our Moms gave to us and the gift of love that we can share with others.

I am still crying like a baby atleast once a week, but I am able to face the world with a smile and feel so lucky that I had one of the greatest Moms ever. Our relationship was envied by many and I can only hope that my son and I will share a special relationship like I had with my Mom.
Take Care and write again, let me know how you are doing.

Peace.

Janet

 
Old 11-07-2007, 01:16 PM   #6
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Re: Miss My Mom

I lost my mother a week ago tomorrow. At least she died a week ago. She had alzheimers and had been in a locked down ward for the past three years. She became unresponsive a week ago Friday and passed away on All Saints Days. She was home in Minnesota and I live in Virginia. My hubby and I managed to get home on Tuesday and we sat by her bed until she passed on Thursday evening. Physically I lost her..but I really lost her 5 years ago when that wretched disease stole my mother away.

The really awful part of this story is that I lost my father on the 29th of September of this year. He was in the same unit as Mom. He got up, got dressed, sat in his wheel chair looking at Mom, when the anuerism burst and he passed. So I lost the two most important people in my life, next to my husband, in a month.

I think I'm going to skip thanksgiving this year...I'm having a hard time to be thankful.

 
Old 11-07-2007, 06:18 PM   #7
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Re: Miss My Mom

I am so sorry about your double loss...how devastating, how sad. My close friend has a mother with Alzheimer's, she has not been able to recognize my friend for the past 4 years and also is in a lock down facility. When I lost my Mom, I wasn't sure which is worse..to lose a loved one who is still aware of life and loves talking to everyone and being very much a part of life or having your loved one alive, but unresponsive to their immediate world.

It's all so difficult to absorb. The feelings of helplessness are horrible, especially when it is your closest loved ones. Was your father an Alzheimer's patient too?? The whole anuerism thing is so scary. You must feel just awful...I am so sad for you.

I hope your husband and other family members are of great support to you. I know that even though I had a supportive husband and several great friends, I still felt very much alone in my grief. I still do...when I am overwhelmed with grief I try to cry by myself because my husband doesn't know what to do with me...you know, typical guy who wants to "fix" the problem. Unfortunately there is no fix. We are losing our best friends who have known us our entire lives and there's nothing we can do to stop the living/dying process. I know it's a natural part of the Cycle in life, but it's still so earth shattering when it happens.

I wish you calming thoughts and I pray that our loved ones are no longer in pain, scared, or facing terrifying medical procedures. If what "they" say is true, our loved ones have graduated to the next level, their spirits have moved on to higher ground, a place where there is no fear, no guilt, no negative emotions. It is us that miss them so, but may it bring comfort to us to know those we love so much are free from the world's diseases and pain.

That all sounds good, I know it still hurts, but we must have hope to carry on and enjoy OUR lives while we are healthy souls.

Peace

Janet

 
Old 11-12-2007, 10:45 AM   #8
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Re: Miss My Mom

Thanks you Janet..

My hubby has suffered almost as much as I have. My parents have been more parents to him than his own were. When we buried my father at Ft. Snelling in Mpls., he had full military honors as a WWII vet. Our oldest son is lead trumpeter for the Navy bands out of New Orleans. He played taps for his grandfathers funeral. I don't know how he did it. It was the most mournful taps that I have ever heard, his heart was crying and you could hear it in the notes coming out of the horn. IT was all I could do not to weep in misery. My two boys have lost the loves of their life. The sun rose and set for my parents in their two grandsons...and now both of my parents are gone.

I feel so slighted. I haven't had a mother to talk to for five years and it seems so cruel that other people have mothers that they can tell things to and laugh with and go out to lunch. I used to call a couple of times a week and talk with just Mom...I don't have that option...and when Mom was in the nursing home-every visit I kept hoping that when I went home she would know me. Do you know how it hurts to look at your mother and have her look at you with no recognition? A little part of you dies every time. A little part of your heart has a burn spot on it. Having someone say, "oh it's only the disease doesn't make it any easier or less painful...and being the only child only seems to intensify the pain.

we bury Mamma this Friday and she will be next to Daddy. His grave is so fresh that the ground hasn't even settled yet. They will be together. After 64.5 years of marriage she couldn't be without him...so now I am alone.
Sometimes I feel like a motherless child........

 
Old 11-15-2007, 11:27 AM   #9
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Re: Miss My Mom

I lost my mom 1 1/2 years ago. She and I were very close and she helped me with our disabled son. Since her death we moved, my daughters live 13 hours away and my sisters live near them. Right now all I have is my husband and son. Because of the lack of help with my son, I am not working and am completely isolated at home by myself. My husband does not understand how lonely I am because he still has his parents.

My father is dating other women and it kills me that he is trying to replace mom. (Yes I truly believe he is looking for someone to cook and clean for him) I try to do the best I can but some days (like today) I really miss mom. Now that the holidays are coming it is harder because she and I always prepared for them together. I know I should be doing better because it has been quite awhile since her death, but I am still grieving.

I am so sorry all your loses. Hopefully time will help us.

 
Old 11-21-2007, 10:01 AM   #10
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Re: Miss My Mom

Dear Ruskingirl,

I am sure I will still be heavily grieving for awhile, especially when the holidays roll around. I wasn't even going to open this e-mail, because I didn't want to take the time right now to get emotional about MOM not being here, but I am glad I did.... My Mom and I would be on the phone 8 times a day during the holidays...Thanksgiving will be fun, but very tough..the saddness is so tough...and feeling isolated is terrible...my problem is that I don't have any close family that i have a really great relationship with..Mom was it. My one brother is an alcoholic, he has lived on the streets for 20 years!!! and I have one other,,which has it's own sad story. Anyway, no aunts, cousins, or uncles...very different...we are first generation Americans..parents were only children.

As you see, I am feeling sorry for myself too..I happy to be able to share with someone who understands.

May love, hope, and faith get you through this holiday season..

Peace

JAnet

 
Old 11-26-2007, 01:22 PM   #11
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Re: Miss My Mom

I lost my mom to colon cancer on 09/01/07. I buried her remains with my grandparents, her parents, on my birthday. NEVER in my life have I felt such an emptiness and loneliness. My mom and I were insanely close. I remember going thru something horrible in May of ’06 and she was right there with me, supporting me like no one else. I distinctly remember thinking during that conversation (I can still see it to this day), “Where would I be without my ‘mommy?’” Little did I know she was dying of colon cancer, not to be diagnosed until August ’06…

My life right now is in personal chaos. I feel no one “gets” me. There is no way people who still have their mothers can understand what I’m going thru, and I resent them for it. I don’t want to, but I do. Thanksgiving this year, being with people and their moms, it was a very strong punch in the chest to realize they are all older than me…and they all have their moms…I’m the only one without. So as they celebrate and say how thankful they are, here’s me and my grief. Alone. Welcome to the rest of your life!!

My relationship with my fiancé is falling to pieces – and I don’t care. I am shutting off from people, the only exception being my daughter. SHE is the one single-handedly getting me thru this time (a big responsibility for a little girl) and I am focusing all of my attention on her so that she knows how much I love her, just as I will always know how much my mom loved (no, loves!) me. Making sure my dad is ok and being a mom are my top and only priorities. I feel that my fiancé is no where near as understanding as I need; we are building a house this year, despite my telling him it may not be the best thing to do with her diagnoses, and he is frustrated at my lack of involvement/concern for our project. And I become resentful that he is that way. Even though I try to realize it’s not HIS mom gone; his life is still unchanged and therefore he can’t fully understand what I’m going thru, I still don’t want any part of it. I am actually resentful over the new house because it’s a new, huge change for me that my mom won’t be a part of. I can’t go there without it being bittersweet, wondering what my mom would think of the color choices and if she’d stay over for Christmas Eve.

I did pretty well up until this month. But now, I find myself feeling worse, more shut off (and down) and more hurt/resentful than I thought I would be. I want to be alone, or busy with my daughter, and the rest of the planet can take a flying leap.

It actually feels good to write out my feelings in a forum with people who understand. I don’t have nearly enough of that support around me, even in my father, who would rather just keep going with life and not talk about it (denial, denial, denial). Me, I heal by talking about things…something that my mom and I ALWAYS did, so the ONE person I would want to talk about this to the most is the one that’s gone and the one I can’t. And I hurt every day of my life because of it. And so far? It ain’t getting better.

 
Old 11-30-2007, 06:18 AM   #12
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Re: Miss My Mom

I feel your pain..my mother and I were the same..insanely close. we talked about evrything, everybody, and were each other's soul mates. My husband, too, does not understand my grief and never will. He has not had the same wonderful, close relationship with anyone in life,,,how sad for him.

All I can say is I have my son who occupies most of my time and all of my thoughts. It is still difficult because he does not talk yet (only 16 months old). I will always miss Mom and wonder what she would have said, done, or wanted me to do in different situations.

Life does go on and I know in my heart my mother wouldn't want me to be miserable every day..she wants me to be a happy person and enjoy all life has to offer.

I don't know if this helps you or not...just realize there are many of us women without mothers that TOTALLY understand what you are going thru.

Take Care. Enjoy the holidays.

Peace
Janet

 
Old 11-30-2007, 10:12 AM   #13
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Re: Miss My Mom

I am so sorry for your loss Pittsburgh. I know how much you miss your mom. It has been almost a year and a half I miss her more now than ever before. My dad is dating someone else and even talking about marrying her and I want to scream!!!!! Now that the holidays are here I find I can't do anything. Nobody can replace our moms...hopefully time will ease the pain. I will be thinking of you.

 
Old 11-30-2007, 07:07 PM   #14
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Re: Miss My Mom

I am brand new to these boards and already I can tell that many of them are going to be very helpful for me, especially this one (Grief & Loss). Basically, until I read some of the messages in this thread ("Miss My Mom") I thought I was the only one feeling as miserable as I am (and that's putting it mildly).

Now I am relieved, for lack of a better way of putting it, to find that I'm not at all alone in what I'm going through regarding the sudden loss of my mother. She passed away about three months ago and it has turned my life upside down. Since then I walk around with a gaping hole in my heart and an emptiness that cannot be filled.

Thanksgiving was rougher than I expected - there's that phrase "alone in a crowd" and that is exactly how I felt. There I was, surrounded by cheery people at a festive occasion, feeling alone and empty without my mom among those people. It actually felt kind of weird not having her there.

Anyway, I'm so glad to have found these boards, places where I feel I might relate to and *belong* and both gain from and contribute to.

 
Old 12-01-2007, 01:06 PM   #15
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Re: Miss My Mom

A box came in the mail today. I opened it. It was the perfume I had ordered for Mom for Christmas. I had forgotten hat i had ordered it. My Mom has worn this for 29 years and when I opened the bottle and sprayed it, it wept because it was as if mom was standing there getting ready to go out with me. I almost chocked. Oh dear lord...how are we going to get through this month. I thought november was bad......

Last edited by ibake&pray; 12-01-2007 at 01:07 PM.

 
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