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Old 11-05-2007, 08:20 AM   #1
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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IslandDebTx HB User
Miss my mom, how to cope at Holiday time? 1st year w/o her.

I lost my mom January 31 of this year. She had been diabetic for years, and a few years ago developed kidney failure, congestive heart failure, and then last May, 2006, diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus. Ultimately what ended her life was a blood infection. She went out cold on the dialysis floor, and we didn't think she'd come back but we prayed for more time, and we got it, but it was just one week. Still, she talked, she told us she loved us, she got to visit, eat some of her favorite foods( she asked for, and got the biggest piece of cake I could find her), and then she slipped away during dialysis.
For the past several years I had been doing more and more for my mom because I never wanted to regret not being there for her if something happened to her. I know I did enough for her, when I really think about it but now I think, I went home to clean up and rest for awhile, and she was alone at the hospital without me. She didnt' have us there by her side when she left, and she should have. It makes me feel so sad. I cry every day lately and now that the holidays are coming, it's so hard and I don't know how to cope, so if anyone can help me figure out how I'm going to get through the holidays, the first Christmas without her, and still present a happy front to my five year old, then please let me know. I don't know how I'm going to hear the music, celebrate, get through it, without her. It was her favorite holiday. And my dad's least favorite, because he lost his mom a few days after Christmas and her birthday was ON Christmas, so I just don't want to end up like him, hating this time of year because I have loved it in the past.
My husband also lost his dad the same month, on January 2, and I know he grieved but he never cries like I do, he never gets emotional. I guess sometimes you're just closer to your mom. I miss calling her, telling her things my daughter does that are funny or cute, I miss seeing her, hearing her voice... I get scared that I will not remember what it felt like to hug her soft little shoulders and smell her Sung perfume that I hated.
I know this sounds insane but I have a teddy bear that is really soft and cuddly that someone gave my daughter, and I sort of took it over and named it Babbau Bear (Babbau was what my daughter called her, she couldn't say Grandma when she was smaller, and 'babbau' stuck), I told my daughter that when she wants to give Babbau a hug or kiss, she can give it to the bear and it will send it right up to heaven where Babbau can get it. I'm not sure if I did that more for her or for me!
Are any of you obsessed with John Edward? I watch his show alot and it makes me feel better, thinking that she really does see what we do and knows what's going on. I try to remember that.
Well, I'm rambling. But, if any of you have any pointers for getting through the holiday season, or just want to talk, please respond.

Deb

 
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Old 11-26-2007, 02:40 PM   #2
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Re: Miss my mom, how to cope at Holiday time? 1st year w/o her.

Sign me up for this one! I lost my mom to colon cancer on 09/01/07. I buried her remains with my grandparents, her parents, on my birthday. My life right now is in personal chaos. I feel no one “gets” me. There is no way people who still have their mothers can understand what I’m going thru, and I resent them for it. I don’t want to, but I do. Thanksgiving this year, being with people and their moms, it was a very strong punch in the chest to realize they are all older than me…and they all have their moms…I’m the only one without. So as they celebrate and say how thankful they are, here’s me and my grief. Alone. Welcome to the rest of your life!!

My focus is really only my daughter. She’s just 4 and very excited about her first Christmas, and for her sake I will be too. If it weren’t for her, NOTHING, not my fiancé, not my father, not my friends, not my job – NOTHING – could wrench me out of a fetal position until January. Secretly I cry when I hear Christmas music, or see what I assume to be moms and daughters at the mall, etc. But then I look at my little girl and realize I’m HER mom, and she deserves every bit of my time and attention, and my sadness is shelved for my quiet time.

So that’s my secret for hoping to try to get thru the next few weeks with as much composure as possible. It’s a battle. Every day I force myself up and on with life (makes it so much easier in this hustle-bustle 3 days off for the death of a loved one without as much as an “I’m sorry” world when returning to it after such a tragic loss, huh? *please note the sarcasm!*) and try to count my blessings and deck the halls…and find a new role in a new life without my best friend, my mom and my daughter’s grandmother.

It’s horrid.

 
Old 11-28-2007, 07:57 PM   #3
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Smile Re: Miss my mom, how to cope at Holiday time? 1st year w/o her.

I just read your message. I lost both my parents in 2004, my older brother this past April. There were 4 of us kids and we even worked at the same company.so we were just about as close as family could getl, the love and traditions! Christmas seems to be the hardest for me because of our "family traditions". White Christmas sends me over the edge! I can tell you how I cope. I can remember my counselor (yes, I needed "help") telling me it would get easier. I told him it would never "get easier", I may just learn to live with it. When I have really hard moments, I remember things that my mother would say, and more importantly, would she would say NOW! She would tell me to be happy, live my life, and carry on. We knew one day we would lose them, so we just do what they would want us to do. At times, I can almost hear my mother. Another thing that helps is memories. Sometimes it's painful, but pull out the warm, happy ones and smile. Our mothers lost their mothers, and so on and so on. We have to be strong, for them. We owe it to them to continue to make them proud of us, even in death! If you would like to know more about my loss, I'll be glad to be hear for you. No one said it would be easy. We are survivors! Look forward to hearing from you. Good luck......

 
Old 12-01-2007, 09:40 AM   #4
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Re: Miss my mom, how to cope at Holiday time? 1st year w/o her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweeti47 View Post
I just read your message. I lost both my parents in 2004, my older brother this past April. There were 4 of us kids and we even worked at the same company.so we were just about as close as family could getl, the love and traditions! Christmas seems to be the hardest for me because of our "family traditions". White Christmas sends me over the edge! I can tell you how I cope. I can remember my counselor (yes, I needed "help") telling me it would get easier. I told him it would never "get easier", I may just learn to live with it. When I have really hard moments, I remember things that my mother would say, and more importantly, would she would say NOW! She would tell me to be happy, live my life, and carry on. We knew one day we would lose them, so we just do what they would want us to do. At times, I can almost hear my mother. Another thing that helps is memories. Sometimes it's painful, but pull out the warm, happy ones and smile. Our mothers lost their mothers, and so on and so on. We have to be strong, for them. We owe it to them to continue to make them proud of us, even in death! If you would like to know more about my loss, I'll be glad to be hear for you. No one said it would be easy. We are survivors! Look forward to hearing from you. Good luck......
I too am in therapy, learning how to deal with the loss of my mom ( among other things, but that's another topic for another forum! ) I bolded the part of your post that spoke the most to me, and how much sense it makes, even in this time of absolute grief. I do agree that we knew this was coming; however, for me, I figured it was at least 15-20 more years! I never thought I would lose my mom at a very young up until she was diagnosed with cancer 65 and me at 33 with a 3 year-old daughter.

I hold very tight to the memories and keep a private paper journal with them as I think of them so I always have those to reflect on.

There are days when it is as raw and horrible as it can be - even worse than the day she actually passed - and "they" say it will get easier, but today - to the day - it's been 3 months and it's gotten worse for me.

I know it will get better. But it's going to be a very long journey to better.

 
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