I am new to this section of the board. My father passed away in August and I can't accept it. I was my fathers care giver since 1998. He lived with me and my family. I was his health care proxy and I made all the decisions when it came to his health. He was a heart patient,he was end-stage reneal disease, amputie, legaly blind and so on.. I sent him to Texas to see my sister so my family could take a vocation at the end of July- Aug. My father was to come home on the 6th of August. He passed away at the dialysis center on 4th. We got the call around 6:55am. He did have a living will and I was the only one that could over ride it. I did! I made them do everything and anything to help my father. I was on the phone with the hospital the whole time. I could not help him. I miss him so much. I can't smile,sleep,eat. When I cook dinner for my family I will not make anything that he really like to eat. My husband and brother changes my fathers room. I will not go into that room. I feel like I am the blame since I was the one who had him go to texas and i was not there to save him. We had to have him flown home and that took 4 days to get him here. When does some of the hurtin go away? I am really not looking forward to the holidays. I wish I could just forget about them all togather this year. I am so mad at him for leaving me he was suppose to come home! I was suppose to take care of him and help him! I feel that I have failed at this. Is it normal for me to think this way? Imto afraid to go to a group and talk about it. I feel no one will understand. He was my father and my best friend. Any thoughts you have that may help me please let me know.
Please accept my heartfelt sympathy on the loss of your father. If you do nothing else please get yourself this book:On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. This will help you through the stages of the grief/loss. Also read all you can by her or other grief specialists. There are many stages of grief and your pain is so fresh you need to understand what you are going through is very normal and only time will heal your wound. Above all else never blame yourself ...you did what you felt was right and I know your dad would never blame you for anything. Take care and be kind to yourself.
I am so sorry to hear about you loss. My dad died 14 years ago when i was 7 and i still haven't gotten over it. My grandma just recently died 3 months ago and it has been really hard. The worst thing you can do is blame yourself. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! It was time for him to go and just think of it as him not suffering anymore. You will always feel pain, but you will learn how to deal with it better. Don't be afraid to go to group meetings or get therapy for this, people are more understanding than you think. I just recently started going to therapy after 14 years, i just wish i would have went sooner. Again i am so sorry for your loss, and go get therapy it might just help you deal alittle better.
My grandfather recently died and I was his caregiver. Towards the end, he had dementia, and I was one of the few that he trusted. Prior to that, my mom died of cancer. Grief has overwhelmed me. I know that after my grandfather died, I felt exhausted. As hard as at home health care can be, I'd do it all over again... I have no easy answers. I'm still going through the grief. I hope this helps to know that you aren't alone, in your struggle. I came close to going to a caregiver's support group. Reading your post helped me to feel less isolated. I, too, keep going over how I could have done things differently, to make him more comfortable. You have my empathy.