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Old 12-09-2007, 02:50 PM   #1
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Unhappy Am I wrong to want to be alone tonight?

My younger brother died three months ago. My mother and I were planning on going to a candlelight service tonight held by a grief support group in our area. However, I've changed my mind...I don't want to go anymore. When I asked my mother if she could just drop me off at home instead, both she and my grandmother became upset with me. Is it wrong of me to just want to be alone, instead of surrounded by people telling me how sorry they are, saying saccharine, cliche statements that are no more than empty words? What is so wrong about just wanting to be by myself tonight? Sometimes it's a lot easier for me to be alone for a while than spending time with other people.

 
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Old 12-09-2007, 07:33 PM   #2
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Re: Am I wrong to want to be alone tonight?

I'm not sure why they got upset, other than if people were gathering for your family, maybe they thought it might appear ungrateful to others. I know its silly or maybe they were hoping for your support.
To me losing my mom and almost my dad, I think you need alone time but the compassion of others as well. Maybe your timing was just not in synch with the ceremony and I can understand with that. But believe me, its nice to have people reach out to you even if its a little corny. And sometimes you need time alone to deal with your own feellings. I think as long as you don't always want to be alone its normal.

 
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Old 12-10-2007, 10:41 AM   #3
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Re: Am I wrong to want to be alone tonight?

If the service was being specifically held in memory of your brother, then yes, you were wrong in not wanting to go. I know that it's tough to go to this sort of thing and that it's draining to have people come up to you expressing how much they miss your brother and how nice he was so and so on...but if this was for him, then you needed to go. Why?

Because those people organized it for him, your mother and grandmother needed to have you there and it was a sign of respect to your brother for you to be there..and that the way people in Mpls are raised....I know because I was raised there. Staying home is an escape and it's the cowardly way out.. I know and I can say it. I lost my dad on the 26th of Sept, and my mother on the 1st of November so yes, I do know what you are talking about.It takes courage and guts to go to these events and they aren't fun, but they fulfill a need, and your Mom probably needed you more than you will ever know.

Sure it's easier to be alone..because you don't have to face anyone. Facing everyone is the tough part. Talking about your brother and remembering him to people is the tough part. Letting people tell you how much they cared for him is the tough part. Sitting in your room and feeling sorry for yourself isn't hard...that's easy. The tough part is helping other people grieve with you about your brother is the tough part.

The choice is yours. And it's a hard choice to make and it isn't easy to deal with. Sure, it's easier to sit at home and try and ignore all the "saccarine sweet words." But instead you should try to accept the fact that people are trying to express to you how much they too, miss your brother. So, stand next to your Mom, who has lost one child, and God never intended you to bury your children, give her a strong arm to cling to and grieve with her for your brother....

It will take time, but it will get better...and it will get easier for you too over time. You will remember with less pain and less tears and it will come easier as time goes on...you are in my prayers....

 
Old 12-10-2007, 06:30 PM   #4
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Re: Am I wrong to want to be alone tonight?

well I am going to come on here and say that you need to do what you need to do and what is good for you.
I lost my husband 5 months ago tomorrow to cancer...it has been a rough 5 months and I definitely have needed my time alone... I try to get through things if I think necessary but if it is something I adamently have feeling about, I am not going to let what other people want/ think get in my way...
this is the toughest year I have ever had and I will grieve how I want to grieve....

having said that..I am sure your mother and grandmother were disppointed you werent there and probably felt that you werent being supportive...
and I am sure this is where their anger came from... but you need to do what is going to help you through this....
I hope you are able to find some peace during the holidays

 
Old 12-10-2007, 07:24 PM   #5
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Re: Am I wrong to want to be alone tonight?

I think its clear based on responses, you are normal in your feelings, right or wrong I don't know the whole situation.

 
Old 12-28-2007, 11:54 AM   #6
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Re: Am I wrong to want to be alone tonight?

I think all people grieve differently. So prefer to grieve in private, while for others a public gathering is more important. For me, like you I am more the alone type of person. I prefer taking time to reflect on the time I had with the lost loved one, and then go on about my life.
I had an aquaintance who, even years after the death of her mother, almost made it a somber holiday..would take day off work, talk with family on phone, etc.
I suggested a grief support group to her, as I felt she had not really dealt with her mom's death (another aquaintance was surprised the mom had been dead 10 years, thought it was just a year or two). She got really upset with me for not sharing her thoughts.

 
Old 12-28-2007, 02:39 PM   #7
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Re: Am I wrong to want to be alone tonight?

I understand that you are in grieving for your brother, but just think of what your mom is going through, he was her son. Maybe she really needed you there to support her and to help her get through it. It is easier to just sit in your room and not deal with it,but it is not the best thing. You have to look at the bigger picture, how are you going to feel after all of this? Are you going to regret not going,or are you going to feel guilty for not supporting your mom? It may be hard but it will be worth it. If our heart says go, then go. It seems like you already feel guilty if you are asking everyone else if what you did was wrong. If you didn't think it was wrong then you wuldn't need anyone opinion on it. Good luck with your decision and i am very sorry for your loss.

 
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