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Old 01-19-2008, 05:04 PM   #1
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Unhappy empty hole/unhappy/miss talking to my Mom. . . .

Hello all. I guess I just need to write. It makes me feel better sometimes. But if anyone has any comments or anything, please feel free to post them. Hearing others' experiences helps too.

My Mom died suddenly Aug 26, 07 after having a stroke the day before. Dad and I sat with her all night at the hospital. She died when I took Dad home for a bit to shower. My brothers were there. For a long time, I was always at their house, doing housework, cooking or just visiting (I live 1mile away). I used to go help Mom get up and dressed and go back after the news to help her into bed too. I am the youngest and only girl. I have 4 older brothers. I am 38 and we have 2 girls (ages 6 & 9). So, for the past 2 or so years I've been with Mom and Dad daily. Some say that someone waits until the care-givers aren't there to go. I think that's what Mom did. Well, there's the backbone of the whole thing.

My problem is that I have been miserable for months. Since Mom died. Thank God I have a very patient husband....any other man would have left me by now, I'm sure. For months I was just impossible to be around. I've gotten a little better, but I'm very unhappy. I went through thinking that maybe I didn't want to be married anymore, maybe I didn't feel like being a Mom, I hated working...I couldn't figure out what the problem was. But now I think I've come to the realization that I just am miserable and REALLY MISS TALKING TO MY MOM!!!!! There's an odd void that I can't explain. I have a few friends. Not too much of a social life, always too busy with work, Dad, girl scouts, sports, kid stuff etc etc etc. But no one like Mom. No one I can talk to like Mom. No one to trust completely like Mom. Being the only girl and living so close, we were unbelievably close. I talk to my Dad every day, but it's not the same. I spend most of my time doing things for Dad. Stopping by, going grocery shopping, housework, having dinners together....anything. Sometimes it helps to be at their house, it makes me feel better. But on the other hand, it's also harder sometimes. To see Dad just sitting there, knowing he's been crying, or whatever. Seeing pictures he's hung in different places, things he's moved, and those he hasn't touched since August.

I just feel really alone, even though I have Dad, my husband, my kids. How can I feel alone with all that around me?! Sometimes I don't understand. Will it ever get easier?! Will the void or emptiness ever subside?

After Mom died, I had a really wierd dream. It was a couple of months after. In the dream I was driving up their driveway, like I always do. And Mom was sitting in her lawn chair on the porch. (She used to sit out there and sneak cigarettes) No expression, no movements,no talking or anything, just sitting there. Dad was in the living room and it was like he didn't know she was there. He didn't see her. He was just picking up stuff or whatever. I went in the house and was kind of baffled that he made no mention of Mom sitting on the porch. I remember (in the dream) turning around to look out the living room window at the porch and almost said "Dad, Mom's outside" But I didn't. I felt like she was there for me to see, but not Dad. I don't know why I took it that way, but that was how it seemed. Any thoughts?

Speaking of wierd stuff.....the day after Mom died, the whole family was at their house, we were fixing food (us Italians always eat!!), kitchen was very crowded..my youngest daughter was sitting in the chair at the table where Mom would sit when I did her hair every week...I was standing behind it, leaning over to fix her a dish...the window was behind me...I felt someone run their finger or fingernail up my spine, all the way up to my neck..I got a chill and turned around. No one was behind me, not enough room by the window. My Mom used to do that as she sat there while I was doing things--fixing food for her, doing her hair, whatever. She'd always chuckle when it gave me the chills. And she had long nails, all her life, had beautiful long nails always polished. I stopped in my tracks for a minute. My husband asked what was wrong and I said nothing. It was really wierd. I can't explain it.

But....I think I'm just unhappy because I want to talk to my Mom. I know I can talk to her, but she can't talk back. When there's something good that happens, or something pisses me off, or just some stupid gossip---whatever...I want to talk to Mom. My sisters-in-law are okay, but not the same. One is basically nuts....the other is okay, but not the type to listen so well. The other mom's at school are friends of mine, but not very close. I wouldn't tell them anything I didn't want the whole town to know. I just don't trust anyone anymore either. Since Mom died, I've become very cynical---I think that's the work I'm looking for. I don't trust people, and I don't care about alot of stuff anymore. There's this facade I can carry on in front of just about anyone. Even my husband, but I think he knows better. On the outside, I'm fine...got that fake laugh, fake tone of voice going and everything. But inside's a different story. Does it ever get better? I'm sure I'll never stop missing Mom, but how can you get used to it? Any help or suggestions would be great. Thanks also for your patience and for listening. I look forward to any responses.

---mmmcoffee

 
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Old 01-21-2008, 12:28 AM   #2
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Re: empty hole/unhappy/miss talking to my Mom. . . .

I think I know that was your mum who touched you and she was probably tyring to tell you she was o.k.

 
Old 01-21-2008, 10:50 AM   #3
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Re: empty hole/unhappy/miss talking to my Mom. . . .

Hi mmmcoffee (as I drink a wonderfully hot mug!), we have had a lot of loss in our family within the last six years (of course lots of other before but none so tragic as recently). My 8 yo nephew 6 years ago, 49 yo brother 4 years ago, 76 yo father eight months ago, uncle 55 yo five months ago.

You have to come to peace with yourself. One thing my brother has done (he lost his 8 yo son) is to distance himself from the family during holidays. While it's understandable for a while - you have to remember that YOU are still here. It hurts so much when he isnt' around. Even at the Christmas' he did come to, he would always walk out of the room when we opened presents. It was too much for him to see kids having fun. It is not easy, and I have to remind myself too that Yes, I've allowed myself time to cry and grieve, but life does go on and you have to be there for your children, husband and family. I think your mom was giving you a sign that it's ok to be sad, but you have to be happy too.

God Bless
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Old 01-21-2008, 10:18 PM   #4
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Re: empty hole/unhappy/miss talking to my Mom. . . .

My mother-in-law was like a mom to me and we lost her to a sudden heart attack on January 3rd. It was a shock to us because we never imagined that could happen to her. I miss her laugh, her smile, her zest for life and her love for me. So I deal with missing her and the guilt of not having spent enough time with her while she was still alive. We continue to have a hard time coming to terms with it. I still look for her in a crowd and listen for her laugh.

I visited her grave site today and the flowers from the service were still there. I stood there for a while and then walked around looking at the other headstones. You can see so much love and pain in that cemetery and I am reminded that no one is exempt from going through this. There are so many people who can relate to what we are going through.

So things are going to be different from now on. We are all changed by this and the routines that we have established in our lives are forever disrupted. I thought I would never recover from losing my dad years ago but now have gotten used to dad being there only in memory. As much as it hurts us now, I know that we will one day become emotionally stronger. You will always miss the person but the pain will not be as instense as it is now. You start to remember the funny stories as you fondly remember them and it makes you smile. It is possible to get to that point.

But it depends, in part, on us. Some people choose to hang on to the pain, feeling guilty if they enjoy life while their loved one is gone. I have a friend who lost his dad and he chose to hang on to the anger. Eventually, he lost his wife, his kids and his job because he became bitter and stopped caring. The kids not only lost their grandpa, they lost their dad too. Some people do not want to deal with the hurt so they become angry and stay angry. They never deal with the hurt so they do not ever heal.

Some of us realize that it is our selfish side that wants our loved one back although we know it is a much better place where they are at. Then there are others who accept this as a part of life and therefore live to enjoy every moment that they have with those who are left. These folks tend to be very grounded in their faith.

Death is an extremely difficult thing to go through and sometimes you feel like you will never recover. But time does heal the wound if you allow it to. There is no magic pill that will help you to heal. All you can do is take it one day at a time. It will be a hard journey but one that you can get through.

Be thankful for your family and enjoy them now. No one is guaranteed tomorrow. I am sure your mom would want you to be happy and to continue forward, enjoying your life while you still have it. If you are seeing signs that she might be trying to comfort you, she just might be.

It will be difficult to enjoy things but try to anyway. It is ok to miss your mom and to grieve for her because you need to go through it in order to heal. It is ok to say, I am not having a good day so bear with me. It is ok to say I need to be alone or I need a good cry right now.

However, do not shut yourself out to the pleasures in life. Go shopping even if you do not feel like it. Go to a concert even if you don't want to. Be with friends even if you do not want to. Keep talking it about it because it is very therapeutic.

Hang in there, it will get better one day. You will become stronger. Trust me

 
Old 01-22-2008, 08:56 AM   #5
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Re: empty hole/unhappy/miss talking to my Mom. . . .

Quote:
Originally Posted by jsph110 View Post
I think I know that was your mum who touched you and she was probably tyring to tell you she was o.k.


I'm sure it was Mom saying she's okay and in a better place. Sometimes I wish she'd do that again, kind of so I know she's still here. I know she is, but it'd be nice to feel that again.

Yes, I know we need to go on. Tons of people go through it, and survive-get on with their lives. I know that and am doing pretty good. I go to work everyday, get the kids to basketball etc etc, make dinner everynight and once a week for the ENTIRE family at Dad's house, get all the housework done....all the regular things I have to do. Missing Mom hasn't made me miss out on any of that stuff.

One of my brothers decided that we (my hubby, me, kids and Dad) need a vacation. So he is sending us to warmer climates for a week, all expense paid, which we are all looking forward to. We need a break from the regular life stuff here. Although it will still be here when we come home. But a break is what we need. My 9 yr old said "it will be a chance to refresh and make everybody feel better" which I thought was good for a 9 yr old. She knows. She can see it in everyone.

I know Mom would want me to keep doing stuff, not stop life. Which I haven't. I just really miss talking to her. I guess I always will. There are pictures everywhere, I wear her jewelry, I get her flowers every week (her urn is in Dad's living room), so it's not like I'm not reminded of her often. Being the only girl, it's kind of just up to me now. No sisters, no really close friends. I do have sisters in law, but that's different. It's hard to explain I guess. Do you ever get used to not having the person you lost around to talk to? Maybe 6mos isn't long enough? Everyone is different I guess. Little be little it may get easier. At least I have our kids and Dad to keep me busy.

Thank you all for your comments and support. Thanks mostly for listening. Writing everything out makes me feel better. That why I ramble so much...! Eventually I would think the 'lonely' feeling will subside. I just wish there was a way to fill in the empty feeling. Maybe within time, it will fade somewhat....lessen.

Have a wonderful afternoon....try to stay warm. It's cold here, but at least it's ABOVE zero today! Take care and thank you again.

---mmmcoffee

 
Old 01-28-2008, 03:02 AM   #6
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Re: empty hole/unhappy/miss talking to my Mom. . . .

mmmcoffee,

What you are going through is pretty typical of grief. My Mom died of lung cancer Nov. 2006. She and I were very close and like with you it leaves my dad all alone which is difficult for him after 56 yrs of marriage and being 83 yrs old. I have two sisters in another state and a brother that lives close to my dad but I have been the main person that helped with my mom and now my dad and I live 120 miles away so it is not always easy.

That said I can tell you that for that first year I lived in a fog. I went to work , I did everything I usually do but there was that void. I can say I felt like I was just going through the motions of life but getting no joy. I even quit doing agility with my dogs because I was no longer having fun and until my mom's death that is one thing I loved doing! I decided to just give my self time and to try not to worry if I would ever enjoy things again and you know what ?Right before Christmas that fog lifted. I did not do anything different then I had been doing rather I woke up one day and realized that fog was gone. Don't get me wrong I still miss my mom as much as I did at first and I would give anything in the world to have even one more talk with her but that void was gone and joy had returned and I was living my life again not just going through the motions of it.

Yes I still have some days where I feel sad or some memory that sets me to crying but I am at least feeling the emotions now. It just takes time and for some it takes much longer then it takes others.

Like you I even had a weird thing happen where I am convinced it was my mom. My mom was a huge believer in Tiger Balm for pain and years ago she bought some for me when I injured my foot and said "use it it will help". A few months ago after doing some work outside my hands and arms were throbbing in pain. I took tylenol which did little and as I was getting ready for bed the tiger balm in my medicine cabinet fell onto the counter. I had not touched anything by it and had forgotten I had it. When I saw it hit the counter a chill went down my spine. I rubbed it on my arms and hands and by the time I went to bed the pain was much improved and by morning it was gone. That had to be my mom saying "use the tiger balm it works" !

Know you are not alone as there are plenty of us out here that understand what you are going through and while coming here is not that same as talking to someone in person it can come in a close 2nd at times.

I know I have read other posts by you and when you talk about your dad sometimes I think , hey that is my dad. Well I have to get back to work, you hang in there and give yourself time. JanMarie

 
Old 01-28-2008, 07:34 AM   #7
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Re: empty hole/unhappy/miss talking to my Mom. . . .

JanMarie--thank you.

Thanks to all of you who shared your thoughts and had suggestions. My husband says he's finally had enough. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to divorce. He wants his wife back, meaning that I've been gone. And, yes, I have been for 5 mos now. I'm not sure how to 'get back' to being the soccer/basketball/happy go lucky mom I was. There is a prescription of prozac that I have but haven't taken in a long time. I just renewed it and think I will try that for a month or so and see if it has an effect on me.

I'm hoping my fog will lift soon. I don't know how much more of it I can subject everyone to. But there are times I don't care....Like "this is me. take it or leave it" and sometimes I just assume they'd leave me alone.

Thank you for all your help. I'll write again soon. Wish me luck :-)

Thank you ----
mmmcoffee

 
Old 01-29-2008, 12:38 AM   #8
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Re: empty hole/unhappy/miss talking to my Mom. . . .

mmmcoffee,

I still say 5 months is not a long time to be caught in that fog. Loosing a mother is a difficult thing as you only have one and you will not have another. That mother daughter bond can be so strong. Your husband needs to understand that what you are going through is so normal in the daughter-mother loss.

I will tell you when the fog started lifting and it was over a year past my mom's death.Actually I think the fog started settling in when my mom and I learned she had stage IV NSCLC so for those two and a half years I floated in that fog taking her to chemo, doctors appointments, scans and the rest of my world was shut out. I did go to work. I work a 12 hr shift so was lucky I had 4 days off every week and so many of those weeks I would make my 120 mile drive and spend time helping my parents. My friends all commented you are never around anymore and when you are you are so different and yes some friends fell away which makes me question where they really friends? My true friends understood and knew one day I would have time for them and I would be alive again. Then after my mom's death that fog just crept in and took over and like you I just did not care, I would do things but there was a numbness to it and it brought no joy . As I said before it was just going through the motions of life but not living them.

In Dec. I turned 50 and a very good friend that lives about 300 miles away wanted to take my to a bed and breakfast at a ranch that is home to exotic animals that are used in film and print work or is some cases retired from previous circus or carnival life. We both love animals as did my mom. It was very expensive and my friend was so excited when she told me we were going. I said ok but I was not excited like I would have been a few years ago and I actually started dreading it as I did not want to disappoint her by not enjoying it. During the drive up there I kept thinking this is going to be such a bust why am I going? Well I got there and decided to just live each moment as it arrived and not worry about not having fun.Maybe it was being in such a different place, maybe it was being with such a good friend, maybe it was the male ostrich doing his mating dance just for me, or the car window not going back up when we went to dinner after being lowered so we could see to back out and all the rain blowing into the car and our trying to fix it with plastic, maybe it was all the laughing we did but suddenly I noticed " hey I am having a great time, I AM having fun".
We stayed in canvas safari tents like you would in Africa there are 4 of them that circle the elephant yard and being it was cold, windy and wet we were the only people crazy enough to be staying there. It was gale force winds that shook our tent all night ( the tents had everything a hotel room does, beds, TV's bathroom) so all night we laughed and talked about how we might wake up in Oz or at least the elephant yard. We got no sleep but in the morning when we stood outside on the porch and Butch the elephant and his trainers delivered our breakfast and we got to feed him a big bag of fruit I began to think " hey I feel alive again, my smile and laughter were real again" After that trip things started taking on meaning again.

I recall you said you are going on a trip well maybe if you just let things happen and try not to think of how much you do not care about things right now but instead give yourself to the moment maybe the fog will start to lift some even though as I said 5 months is not long and I am not sure it would have happened for me if it had been only 5 months. I think it is something that just happens when it does, something awakens you again and as I said you still hurt, you still miss your mom but you at the same time start to reconnect to life. If you go on that trip and it does not happen do not be disappointed and think something is wrong with you as you may just need more time. Life without mom is a huge adjustment as the person we probably took the most for granted and felt would always be there for us no matter what is gone. Gosh mom's were really are just human after all!

As for taking pills if you think they will help give them a try. A coworker suggested some I get some antidepressents and I thought " why I have a reason to feel depressed" and I really did not view this as depression but rather just grief so I did not even consider pills but decided this was life I would tough it out and let nature run its course and what I did was right for me. May not be right for everyone but it was for me.

I will wish you luck and keep you in my prayers. JanMarie

 
Old 01-29-2008, 06:24 AM   #9
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Re: empty hole/unhappy/miss talking to my Mom. . . .

Hello~
although I've not posted in this area..been a peep for awhile. This one touched me.....I can relate!!
My mother died in 96, I've been were your at....I wish I could say that longing goes away, but it dont. Although I will say it has eased a bit. What you are going through is very normal.

A mothers love we can get nowhere else, and its hole in your heart that nothing else can fill as hard as you try. At first she was all I could think about, thank goodness I also had an understanding husband(also questioned the marriage!!) he gave me my space. My kids gave me the reason to go on, and get up in the morning. As time has pasted I dont think about her all the time, but daily still. I'll do something and it will remind me of her, or a song we both loved will play on the radio. I still have bad days, but they are not as often.

Now it seems life is handing me something else...My father now has been told its stage 4...I'm having a hard time now.....now I will be alone. I'm not ready for this....If you need to talk I would to chat maybe we can help each other...cant hurt!!

I'll pray for you to find peace....
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Old 01-31-2008, 07:18 AM   #10
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Re: empty hole/unhappy/miss talking to my Mom. . . .

Quote:
Originally Posted by mmmcoffee View Post
Hello all. I guess I just need to write. It makes me feel better sometimes. But if anyone has any comments or anything, please feel free to post them. Hearing others' experiences helps too.

My Mom died suddenly Aug 26, 07 after having a stroke the day before. Dad and I sat with her all night at the hospital. She died when I took Dad home for a bit to shower. My brothers were there. For a long time, I was always at their house, doing housework, cooking or just visiting (I live 1mile away). I used to go help Mom get up and dressed and go back after the news to help her into bed too. I am the youngest and only girl. I have 4 older brothers. I am 38 and we have 2 girls (ages 6 & 9). So, for the past 2 or so years I've been with Mom and Dad daily. Some say that someone waits until the care-givers aren't there to go. I think that's what Mom did. Well, there's the backbone of the whole thing.

My problem is that I have been miserable for months. Since Mom died. Thank God I have a very patient husband....any other man would have left me by now, I'm sure. For months I was just impossible to be around. I've gotten a little better, but I'm very unhappy. I went through thinking that maybe I didn't want to be married anymore, maybe I didn't feel like being a Mom, I hated working...I couldn't figure out what the problem was. But now I think I've come to the realization that I just am miserable and REALLY MISS TALKING TO MY MOM!!!!! There's an odd void that I can't explain. I have a few friends. Not too much of a social life, always too busy with work, Dad, girl scouts, sports, kid stuff etc etc etc. But no one like Mom. No one I can talk to like Mom. No one to trust completely like Mom. Being the only girl and living so close, we were unbelievably close. I talk to my Dad every day, but it's not the same. I spend most of my time doing things for Dad. Stopping by, going grocery shopping, housework, having dinners together....anything. Sometimes it helps to be at their house, it makes me feel better. But on the other hand, it's also harder sometimes. To see Dad just sitting there, knowing he's been crying, or whatever. Seeing pictures he's hung in different places, things he's moved, and those he hasn't touched since August.

I just feel really alone, even though I have Dad, my husband, my kids. How can I feel alone with all that around me?! Sometimes I don't understand. Will it ever get easier?! Will the void or emptiness ever subside?

After Mom died, I had a really wierd dream. It was a couple of months after. In the dream I was driving up their driveway, like I always do. And Mom was sitting in her lawn chair on the porch. (She used to sit out there and sneak cigarettes) No expression, no movements,no talking or anything, just sitting there. Dad was in the living room and it was like he didn't know she was there. He didn't see her. He was just picking up stuff or whatever. I went in the house and was kind of baffled that he made no mention of Mom sitting on the porch. I remember (in the dream) turning around to look out the living room window at the porch and almost said "Dad, Mom's outside" But I didn't. I felt like she was there for me to see, but not Dad. I don't know why I took it that way, but that was how it seemed. Any thoughts?

Speaking of wierd stuff.....the day after Mom died, the whole family was at their house, we were fixing food (us Italians always eat!!), kitchen was very crowded..my youngest daughter was sitting in the chair at the table where Mom would sit when I did her hair every week...I was standing behind it, leaning over to fix her a dish...the window was behind me...I felt someone run their finger or fingernail up my spine, all the way up to my neck..I got a chill and turned around. No one was behind me, not enough room by the window. My Mom used to do that as she sat there while I was doing things--fixing food for her, doing her hair, whatever. She'd always chuckle when it gave me the chills. And she had long nails, all her life, had beautiful long nails always polished. I stopped in my tracks for a minute. My husband asked what was wrong and I said nothing. It was really wierd. I can't explain it.

But....I think I'm just unhappy because I want to talk to my Mom. I know I can talk to her, but she can't talk back. When there's something good that happens, or something pisses me off, or just some stupid gossip---whatever...I want to talk to Mom. My sisters-in-law are okay, but not the same. One is basically nuts....the other is okay, but not the type to listen so well. The other mom's at school are friends of mine, but not very close. I wouldn't tell them anything I didn't want the whole town to know. I just don't trust anyone anymore either. Since Mom died, I've become very cynical---I think that's the work I'm looking for. I don't trust people, and I don't care about alot of stuff anymore. There's this facade I can carry on in front of just about anyone. Even my husband, but I think he knows better. On the outside, I'm fine...got that fake laugh, fake tone of voice going and everything. But inside's a different story. Does it ever get better? I'm sure I'll never stop missing Mom, but how can you get used to it? Any help or suggestions would be great. Thanks also for your patience and for listening. I look forward to any responses.

---mmmcoffee

 
Old 01-31-2008, 07:51 AM   #11
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Re: empty hole/unhappy/miss talking to my Mom. . . .

February 3rd 2004, Mom passed over after four months of awful hell with ovarian cancer. She stayed with me at my apartment and Hospice came in. (A finer group of people you'll NEVER find! They saved my sanity!)
I'm the oldest of four. Two of my siblings live up north. My sister (a year younger) and I took up the slack.....

It's been four years now; and she's still 'there', in my mind, my heart, my dreams...sometimes I'll find myself saying things that she would've said, the way she use to say it to somebody, and it flips me a bit.

After the first year, things seemed to get better. I moved out of that same apartment and went to another town a year or so later. (Geographical cure, I think they call it.) But, there's still been that lonliness to contend with. It's so deep seated, I dare say it'll be with me until it's my time to go.

It does get better...different. I still think of her and miss her like hell. I'm not one for hating....but, I HATE cancer!!! It's a ruthless animal with no heart, no conscience, and no respecter of people!
But, it does get better....easier to handle the ups and downs of it.

February 3rd the Patriots (the family's home team!) play against the Giants.
It'll also be the fourth anniversary of her death. Hope she'll be there to watch the game with me....she was a great football fan and fun to watch a game with.

It does get easier and medication can take off an edge or two. But, holding fast to the KNOWING that she's just on the other side of that curtain and still loving me a lot ;and she'll be there for me when my time is up. Helps the most.

 
Old 02-20-2008, 08:39 AM   #12
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Re: empty hole/unhappy/miss talking to my Mom. . . .

Hi All,

And mmmcoffee...

I can really relate to you all. My mom passed in Jan. 2005, its a loss you never get over. I still cry a lot, still miss and long for her.

I had a hard time moving on for a while, I was in that fog. I don't know who belives in what, but I had to ask God to give me strength to move forward, move forward, she would want you to.

You have to for your family and yourself. This helps a lot having somewhere to go and vent to and talking to people that understand where you are. Most of my friends still have there mom so they don't understand.

Just to tell you about me and my mom. I loved her so, I am youngest of 4, my mom lived with me and my husband, I had no kids. So we spent a lot of time together. She was always sick with strokes and heart trouble. I can home one day and found her laying in the kitchen floor. I had to be calm, call 911 and get her to the emergency. She went into several strokes and in about 4 days she couldn't talk or move anything but one arm and thats how we communicated. My brothers and sisters argued and clowned with me because I had power attorney. She lived that way sick from July 2004 to Jan 2005 and passed away. I had to care for her, quit my job and see to her daily, daily. I still see thoses days in my mind. I will never forget seeing her laying there with no breath. Being the youngest of 4 with no children we were everything to each other. I feel so lost most days. I too moved from one state to another looking to find peace and help healing. But I have to ask God to help me get by because if I don't I would lose it and lose everything. No body understand.

So to all you, my heart and prayers are with you. Prayer helps me. I think I hurt the most because I want to see and talk to her again. I would give my life... I have been there too. Wanting to not go on. Prayer helps me make it.

God bless you all, thank you for being here to let me get this out, I have it so hard most days, I cry at work, at home, in my car, when something good or bad happens in my life, I don't have her to share it with. Its hard!

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep living, our moms would want that for us...

Mytruespirit

Last edited by mytruespirit; 02-20-2008 at 08:45 AM.

 
Old 03-16-2008, 04:08 AM   #13
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Anniedancer HB User
Re: empty hole/unhappy/miss talking to my Mom. . . .

mMMM COFFEE,
You sound like me as I read your story. I lost my mom in July of colon cancer that went into her backbone eventually. I helped care for her for 15 months, and then slept on the floor for her last 31 days, while she was under Hospice care. My mom, my best friend.

I have not been the same since. I even let my health go (which I'm hoping I can take care of now). I am the only daughter. I have 2 brothers. I have my husband (who also would like to dis-own me because of my overwhelming grief). I'm 52. My mom was 78. She was great !
For me, I just cannot get over the sadness of watching her decline. a strong, beautiful (with beautiful long nails too) woman, waste away to 80 lbs, in pain, sad.... I hated seeing my mom like that and it still makes me so angry that she had to go thru that. When she called us all in one day to say good bye to each of us, I felt like the worst possible pain I could ever feel. Like someone was stabbing my heart. How could this be happening, I was thinking. A few days later, she fell into unconsciousness (due to high pain medication) and died in her sleep.

I so miss talking to her every day (telling her anything and everything) and going shopping with her and visiting with her and laughing with her. We lived close by one another and always hung out together. Every week we'd go out to breakfast to the bakery, and then go shopping. We even vacationed together a few times in Hawaii. Oh, how special !

And your are right, there is no one you are bonded with, like the bond you have with your dear mother. The thing is we don't want to acknowledge that our moms are gone, even tho we know they are.

Did you ever read "Motherless Daughters?" you might want to. Also, there is a lovely book called "In the Letting Go" by Jonathon Lazear (Words to Heal the Heart on the Death of a Mother).

I still want to get a sign from her because I am missing her so terribly and sometimes feel crazy. I don't like the World without my Mom in it. I need more strength. I still go to work, go to a dance class, go to church. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I don't have children. I do have a step child who is 20, but lives in another state. I don't have anything to turn my focus on. Mom was my most significant person in my life.

I am trying to get the courage up to get involved with some volunteer work with the elderly. Thats what I think she would like.
She would hate that I am so unhappy.

I guess we are doing the right thing, reaching out to others who have suffered such loss.

Hang in there. God will help us. Our Moms are watching over us.

 
Old 04-01-2008, 08:25 AM   #14
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Michaelito72 HB User
Re: empty hole/unhappy/miss talking to my Mom. . . .

I wish I could tell you I had a great formula to make you feel better immediately but I dont. I lost my dad and felt like that for a while. What I can tell you is the following. The day after my dad died I was also in the kitchen trying to make something for me to eat before I left to the airport for the arrangements for my dad in Florida. As I was doign this I actually felt my dad in the kitchen. I felt his precense and even felt how he would make fun of the way I did certain things. It made me laugh only to realize he was not really there. You are not alone in feeling such things.

With that said I truly beleive that they are still with us and watch us from a much more comfortabel place. True that our minds will make us see things in hopes of comfort, we go to that comfort zone with them. I have also seen my dad after that and I know it is not my imagination. You have to know she is still with you and watches you like I know my dad does.

Also it helps to have some kind of closure. You need to sell the house and get your dad out of there. This will help you to realize she passed away and help your mourning. I sound it sounds harsh but that doesnt mean you forgot her. It means this is a new place for everyone's life. YOu need to move on and I know it seems harder but it really is not. Understand she is gone from her physical body and she now watches you from above. Also think on how happy she would want for you to be instead of moping around. She also lost her parents and moved on. Think about it. Enjoy yoru husband and kids and siblings and yoru dad while he is still here but also dont get a complex now with him. It does not mean you have to check on him constantly liek I started doing with my mom. I was afraid of loosing her too.

Well that is just what worked for me. I hope you try it and it helps.

Michaelito72




Quote:
Originally Posted by mmmcoffee View Post
Hello all. I guess I just need to write. It makes me feel better sometimes. But if anyone has any comments or anything, please feel free to post them. Hearing others' experiences helps too.

My Mom died suddenly Aug 26, 07 after having a stroke the day before. Dad and I sat with her all night at the hospital. She died when I took Dad home for a bit to shower. My brothers were there. For a long time, I was always at their house, doing housework, cooking or just visiting (I live 1mile away). I used to go help Mom get up and dressed and go back after the news to help her into bed too. I am the youngest and only girl. I have 4 older brothers. I am 38 and we have 2 girls (ages 6 & 9). So, for the past 2 or so years I've been with Mom and Dad daily. Some say that someone waits until the care-givers aren't there to go. I think that's what Mom did. Well, there's the backbone of the whole thing.

My problem is that I have been miserable for months. Since Mom died. Thank God I have a very patient husband....any other man would have left me by now, I'm sure. For months I was just impossible to be around. I've gotten a little better, but I'm very unhappy. I went through thinking that maybe I didn't want to be married anymore, maybe I didn't feel like being a Mom, I hated working...I couldn't figure out what the problem was. But now I think I've come to the realization that I just am miserable and REALLY MISS TALKING TO MY MOM!!!!! There's an odd void that I can't explain. I have a few friends. Not too much of a social life, always too busy with work, Dad, girl scouts, sports, kid stuff etc etc etc. But no one like Mom. No one I can talk to like Mom. No one to trust completely like Mom. Being the only girl and living so close, we were unbelievably close. I talk to my Dad every day, but it's not the same. I spend most of my time doing things for Dad. Stopping by, going grocery shopping, housework, having dinners together....anything. Sometimes it helps to be at their house, it makes me feel better. But on the other hand, it's also harder sometimes. To see Dad just sitting there, knowing he's been crying, or whatever. Seeing pictures he's hung in different places, things he's moved, and those he hasn't touched since August.

I just feel really alone, even though I have Dad, my husband, my kids. How can I feel alone with all that around me?! Sometimes I don't understand. Will it ever get easier?! Will the void or emptiness ever subside?

After Mom died, I had a really wierd dream. It was a couple of months after. In the dream I was driving up their driveway, like I always do. And Mom was sitting in her lawn chair on the porch. (She used to sit out there and sneak cigarettes) No expression, no movements,no talking or anything, just sitting there. Dad was in the living room and it was like he didn't know she was there. He didn't see her. He was just picking up stuff or whatever. I went in the house and was kind of baffled that he made no mention of Mom sitting on the porch. I remember (in the dream) turning around to look out the living room window at the porch and almost said "Dad, Mom's outside" But I didn't. I felt like she was there for me to see, but not Dad. I don't know why I took it that way, but that was how it seemed. Any thoughts?

Speaking of wierd stuff.....the day after Mom died, the whole family was at their house, we were fixing food (us Italians always eat!!), kitchen was very crowded..my youngest daughter was sitting in the chair at the table where Mom would sit when I did her hair every week...I was standing behind it, leaning over to fix her a dish...the window was behind me...I felt someone run their finger or fingernail up my spine, all the way up to my neck..I got a chill and turned around. No one was behind me, not enough room by the window. My Mom used to do that as she sat there while I was doing things--fixing food for her, doing her hair, whatever. She'd always chuckle when it gave me the chills. And she had long nails, all her life, had beautiful long nails always polished. I stopped in my tracks for a minute. My husband asked what was wrong and I said nothing. It was really wierd. I can't explain it.

But....I think I'm just unhappy because I want to talk to my Mom. I know I can talk to her, but she can't talk back. When there's something good that happens, or something pisses me off, or just some stupid gossip---whatever...I want to talk to Mom. My sisters-in-law are okay, but not the same. One is basically nuts....the other is okay, but not the type to listen so well. The other mom's at school are friends of mine, but not very close. I wouldn't tell them anything I didn't want the whole town to know. I just don't trust anyone anymore either. Since Mom died, I've become very cynical---I think that's the work I'm looking for. I don't trust people, and I don't care about alot of stuff anymore. There's this facade I can carry on in front of just about anyone. Even my husband, but I think he knows better. On the outside, I'm fine...got that fake laugh, fake tone of voice going and everything. But inside's a different story. Does it ever get better? I'm sure I'll never stop missing Mom, but how can you get used to it? Any help or suggestions would be great. Thanks also for your patience and for listening. I look forward to any responses.

---mmmcoffee

 
Old 04-01-2008, 08:34 AM   #15
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Michaelito72 HB User
Re: empty hole/unhappy/miss talking to my Mom. . . .

Oh yeah I forgot to mention, while a loss is still a loss, at least your mom died with some dignity on a bed with people she loved and who loved her. My dad was killed by a drunk driver and had to be pried from his car. Strangers were with him until he passed away 15 minutes later. We then had a difficult time finding his body. (You dont want to know, Florida is strange). Then it became property of the state while investigations were being done since it was a hit and run it was a crime scene. Finally, we got him and were able to do the funeral. The whole process took nearly a week.

What I am trying to say is that made me go even more nuts and to know the guy that killed him was out there. Had he stopped then, for sure, it was an accident and while my dad was still dead you could not hate the guy because it was an accident but he walked away and left him there to die on the side of the road with the car flipped over. That haunted me for a long time. Still I realize he is gone and hold him in my heart. All six of his kids do. I follow what he did when his dad passed away. IN that sense he is still alive with me and my 3 brothers and 2 sisters.

So we finally found the guy. My sisters would go see him and preach to him the love of God which at that time I thought was the worst thing because they forgave him. Well, needless to say it was a happy morning I was called (I am the oldest) and was tolld the Ba$!@&d hung himself and left a guilt note from knowing the love my sisters showed him and he could not take it. His guilt finally kicked in and he could not take it from just leaving the scene there and not showing any compassion by at least stopping and trying to help. I guess God does bring swift justice. Closure with that came. I know it sounds harsh but it is the reality of things. You need to move on and hold your mom alive with you and make sure she sees you happy but I am sure you have heard all fo that before. Time to put it into action now.

Last edited by Michaelito72; 04-01-2008 at 08:41 AM. Reason: spellcheck

 
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