I feel so bad for you. My heart just breaks to hear your story. I recently suffered a loss in my family, and I know how difficult a loss can be. I too blame myself and the guilt can be overwhelming. I am still suffering from the guilt. But please know that we are out here caring about you. I hope that these posts can help.
It was not your fault in what happened. You are not to blame. I know how difficult that can be to overcome. I am still overcoming it myself.
But we care, we really do.
Im so sorry for your loss. We all wonder why and grieve differently. I lost my son in June he was almost 5 and I cant seem to move on either in most ways. I dont like to go to the cementary because its too hard for me. I think we all move on in our own time and as mothers we all feel some sort of guilt and responsibility too. Some days I dont want to wake up and some days I want to forget I ever had my son just so I can go a day without experiencing the pain of his loss. BUt I still wake up every day and hes still gone.
Maybe you can seek a theripist they really do help or grief support group.
Its not fair we have to lose our children but they are safe now in Gods arms. Im here for you and im grieving with you also.
God bless out angels for they are walking in paridise together now.
I'm sorry to hear about your baby...Please don't put more grief on your grief,(if that makes any sense) by asking these kinds of questions, that you will never get an answer. Try to focus on the gift God gave you, I know it was for a short time, but still a gift.
Do you have any other chiildren? a husband? If so, put all that love you have for your little angel in them.
I pray for you, and I know God will show you how to smile again, but you have to let him in.
I lost my 18 yr old son on 1/21/08, so I know the feelings. Everyday is a battle, but I continue to fight, to make my son proud. I always told my son "be thankful for what you have and don't complain about what you don't have. So I must still think that way to keep my sanity.
I am so sorry to hear that you lost your baby. I lost my baby on 29/2/08. He was 4 1/2 months old.
Please don't be hard on yourself. A child dying is something that no parent should have to deal with. I have found that people can't talk to me about my baby. I think that it is because they can't consider how they would function if they lost one of their own. My baby was sick from the moment he ws born and he never left the intensive care section of the hospital for 19weeks and 2 days. He had 8 general anasthetics and 4 operations, 2 of them were major surgeries. I at least had some warning that his life was in the balance. You didn't.
I recently came into contact with a lady who had scrapbooked her memories of her lost child. She was very sensitive and encouraging in my situation. She had made about 20 albums of various sizes of her Daughters life. She said she was working with some other Mums whose babies had died from SIDs and was helping them to scrapbook too. She gave me some wonderful ideas on how to collect my memories of my son and express how I feel about being his mum, and losing him, and about the hospital experience. I think that if I could express how I feel in this way then it can help me talk about my baby to others. It could even help them to talk about him to me.
I don't believe that babies die because God wants them in heaven. They die because their bodies stop working. I believe my baby is in heaven and that he is blissfully happy there and he no longer is held back by his body. I have been reading a book called "My dream of Heaven" originally published as "Intra Muros" by Rebecca Ruter Springer. It is very comforting as it has lots of mentions about babies and children in heaven. Its a really old book that has been re-published by Harrison House Oaklahoma.
I have been told nothing takes away the pain, ever, over time though, you learn to live around it. I think talking to people like yourself, the scrapbooking and reading will help me deal with my babys death and remember my babys life in a way that makes me a better person, wife and mother to my other children.
My three and a half week old baby daughter died of 'sudden infant death'' I can'y stop blaming myself. I can't talk about it, and find it easier to write about it.
I went to her grave today to put flowers on but feel nothing while i'm there. I'm so confused it happened at the end of november and feel i should be moving on.
Hi Lulu, I am so sorry to hear of your sweet daughter. My five week old daughter died three weeks ago to SIDS as well. I've been through a lot of hard times in my life, but I have to say the pain that comes from this is nothing like I've ever felt before. I never thought the intensity of the pain could be sooooooo deep, but it is. I don't think we'll ever get over the pain from losing our children, I can only hope that within time, it won't hurt so much to just breath, surviving won't be such an effort. I'm only three weeks out from when my little girl passed, but it feels like an eternity. Just remember Lulu, we carried our babies inside for a long time. We had a life time of hopes and dreams planned for our little ones, I don't think even a year is enough time to "move on". I need to listen to my own advice, but try not to attach a time-line to your grief. Unfortunately, I don't think we'll ever be able to completely move on. There will always be reminders of our little ones...anniversaries, holidays, birthdays...even seeing other babies is enough to send me into an emotional break down right now. Again, I'm sorry. I have no words or wisdom that will be of any help, other than I'm a mother who lost a little one to this horrible "syndrome", and I can relate a bit to what your feeling. I think the hard part about having a baby die of SIDS, is that it's so unexpected. There is no time to prepare, there is no time to say Goodbye....and it hurts like hell!
Good luck Lulu, I'll say a prayer for you that you can find even the smallest amount of comfort. I know you won't feel better, but just know you're not alone.
<<My three and a half week old baby daughter died of 'sudden infant death'' I can'y stop blaming myself. I can't talk about it, and find it easier to write about it. I went to her grave today to put flowers on but feel nothing while i'm there. I'm so confused it happened at the end of november and feel i should be moving on.
I am deeply and truly sorry for the loss of your daughter. I have no answer as to 'why' she is gone, but understand your questioning. I understand why you feel you "should" be moving on and also why you aren't. I haven't lost a child that I had time to know, but lost my younger son at birth almost 10 yrs ago. It's the same, but different --and would be 'the same but different' even if I lost a child exactly the same age and way that you did. I can remember 5 months after he was gone, being in the hospital for a test to check for a blood clot, they neeeded to do a sonogram to check and I just started bawling when they wheeled me in to the room and I could hear the heartbeat being played loudly in the next room (of a pregnant woman's healthy baby). I thought, 'it's been five months, why am I falling apart', but I was, it's what I felt finding myself there and not expecting to hear what I heard or feel what I felt in response. Later, in the hall, when a nurse rather angrily said to me, 'It's been FIVE months, why are you falling apart', I was angry right back at her whereas when I questioned myself, I wasn't. You can't guess how your grief will go, it just goes. I do wish you could stop blaming yourself, but I also understand that self-torture a mother will put herself through. I did the same thing, wondering what I'd done or what I could have done differently. You didn't cause your daughter's death, but for a time, you will question yourself. I hope the time for that soon ends, though, b/c it only hurts you more and you will never find yourself truly to be the cause. There is no answer to 'why', but I know the 'why' is not YOU. It took me a long time to come to a better place with the loss of my younger son. I have no idea how much time you will need to reach your 'happier' place. I know you will never be 'over' it (I've always hated that term 'over' or 'past'), but you will come to a happier place than you are now. I use to almost feel as if I was betraying my son or his memory if I was 'happy', but I'm not, quite the opposite (but it took me a while to get there). I understand you not wanting to talk about it and preferring to write. For me, I wanted to read, but wasn't anywhere near ready to read grief or loss material for many months. I just waited until I was. Did you want to be able to talk about it? It may just take a little more time. For me, I contacted SHARE, the national infant loss organization (they have a monthly newsletter that I found both helpful and painful -of course) and later, I found a local chapter of SHARE (by me they're called, Sharing Parents) and attended meetings in person as well. You said that you felt nothing at her gravesite. Are you worried that's not okay or are you comforted that it is okay? It IS okay, btw. The gravesite can mean so many different things to everyone and some may need or want to go often, seldom, or even never at all.
Don't worry about how your grief 'should' be going or even how long your grief 'should' be. Just honor your feelings. I've found that the grief becomes part of your life and never goes away, just incoporates into a 'new' life, but in a gentler way -that lets in happiness and the rest of life again. There's no definite time frame for it, though; it's very individual (and it can even go forwards and backwards on you at times).
I wish you all the comfort possible in your grief and am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.
<<I recently came into contact with a lady who had scrapbooked her memories of her lost child. She was very sensitive and encouraging in my situation. She had made about 20 albums of various sizes of her Daughters life. She said she was working with some other Mums whose babies had died from SIDs and was helping them to scrapbook too. She gave me some wonderful ideas on how to collect my memories of my son and express how I feel about being his mum, and losing him, and about the hospital experience. I think that if I could express how I feel in this way then it can help me talk about my baby to others. It could even help them to talk about him to me.
Sarah, I think that's beautiful and I'm so glad you came in contact with this woman. I'm very sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby, too. The women I met when I needed them (like your scrapbooking lady), were always such a blessing. (My loss was 10 yrs ago this July; my son's name was Riley). There once was a fellow grieving mom at a support group meeting who I met just a few times casually at the meetings -she listened to my husband and I share the story of stillborn's son's 'death-birth' and was so touched that she made us a beautiful fabric photo album to hold the few pictures we had of him. She'd heard us say that we always left sunflowers at his grave b/c I'd sung 'You Are My Sunshine' to him before they took him away -she decorated the album in sunflower and sunburst decorations and placed sunflower and sunburst stickers throughout the album inside. Wow, what an incredible gift. It really touched my heart. Another fellow grieving mom had told her mother about us and her mother, who I'd never even met, had crocheted us an absolutely gorgeous sunflower throw blanket to lay over the back of our sofa. That just stunned me, the kindness and "love" for a stranger. She'd hand-crocheted it for a woman she'd never met, had been touched by my loss even while grieving for her own grandchild and her daughter's loss. The people in this world can do warm and loving things for one another at times we need it most. I think we all feel a need to touch one another's lives when we know there is such an agonizing pain and loss. The loss of a child, I think, is the worst pain of all -and likely, when we need the kindness and support of everyone, loved ones and strangers more than ever.
<<I don't believe that babies die because God wants them in heaven. They die because their bodies stop working. I believe my baby is in heaven and that he is blissfully happy there and he no longer is held back by his body. I have been reading a book called "My dream of Heaven" originally published as "Intra Muros" by Rebecca Ruter Springer. It is very comforting as it has lots of mentions about babies and children in heaven. Its a really old book that has been re-published by Harrison House Oaklahoma.
I have an older sister who also lost a baby (4 days old) 9 years before my son was stillborn (he would be turning 19 this June, my nephew, if he'd lived). She told me that she always hated it when people told her 'God called her baby home'. She never believed that and said God wasn't cruel, but sometimes nature could be. With my son, I have no idea why he died (I ruptured my uterus at term w/ him, but that's not what I mean, of course), but I ended up just deciding to 'trust' it, trust that there was some reason for it, even if I wasn't going to know or understand what it was until I was gone myself. I can't imagine what reason it could possibly be and I hate the idea that there could be one, but, for me, I have to believe there was one. That's just me, but maybe it's others, too.
<<I have been told nothing takes away the pain, ever, over time though, you learn to live around it. I think talking to people like yourself, the scrapbooking and reading will help me deal with my babys death and remember my babys life in a way that makes me a better person, wife and mother to my other children.
There is another book, if you are interested. I wasn't ready for it until many, many months into my grief (almost a year), but it was called, Transcending Loss: Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief and How to Make it Meaningful -by Ashley Davis Prend. It addresses all kinds of grief, not specifically the loss of a child or infant. Early on, I wasn't ready to read it, wasn't at the place for it yet.
My mother, btw, also lost a baby (1 day old), my older sister, Erin (who would be 48 now). In my family, 3 of us have lost infants. My mother grieved her entire life (mom's still living, but has Alzheimer's), but like you said, lived with it as part of her life and no longer grieved acutely or "freshly". It just becomes part of your life, the life and the death, the presence of those you love and the absence of those you love. It doesn't get 'dull', but it changes and sometimes it does come back 'fresh', but it's never like the early grief for long periods after you get to 'that place'. At leasat, that's what I found in my life and in observation of my mother -and sister. I loved growing up knowing about my sister, Erin, and considered it a gift from my mother to "know" my sister in the only way I could. I can remember my mother taking me to Erin's grave on her birthday in November, when I was a child. My mother would tend the grave and I'd help her arrange the flowers while she'd tell me the story of Erin's birth and death. She'd talk and pray to Erin and she'd cry. It was never too much for me or negative in any way. Before I was born, my mother use to celebrate Erin's birthday by giving my older sisters snowball cupcakes and singing the Happy Birthday song. She did what she needed to and shared Erin in the ways she felt was right, but that way changed as the years went on (eventually, mom didn't go to the cemetary for birthdays anymore). I had 6 living older sisters and 1 who died 9 years before I was born. I loved knowing them all and I've always "counted" Erin when I say that I have 7 sisters (not 6). It may not be the same for everyone, but I always appreciated that. I'm not sure why I'm sharing about mom and Erin, but maybe, since mom had Erin sooo many yrs ago, it helps someone to hear it, to hear how it can be in time and over time --always with you and still a painful loss, but part of your life and a life that has much happiness, too.
My heartfelt condolences to everyone on this thread who has lost a child.
Thanks for your beautiful post. It gave me lots of things to think about. I am so sorry to hear about your baby. It is just not fair that babies die. I wish there was a fairness rule in life, but I know that we just have to live it.
I dont know why some people reach out when we don't even know them. Like you have reached out to me and the lady who made your photo albumn reached out to you. I can only say thank you.
Your story about your Mum touched me, I love hearing about strong women who arent scared to let their feelings show. I am glad you Mum has been able to influence so many wonderful women (yourself included). There are lots of strong women in my family but no one seems to be able to let their feelings go in public. I feel isolated from my family, mostly because no-one wants to cry with me or listen while I cry.
Thanks for being a listener for me. To everyone: keep posting I will listen and cry for you too.