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Old 04-22-2008, 09:22 PM   #1
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Unhappy Will I or my life ever be the same again??? Help Please



I'm female, 24 years old. My Dad died of pancreatic Cancer 7 months ago. He was diagnosed and died 9 months later. It was so terrible.

Since that day my life has completely changed. I have completely changed. I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. I have good weeks and then I have terrible weeks.

The pain is indescribable and it's not just my pain, it's the pain I feel for my mother and the rest of us that were left behind. My Dad was only 54 and had his whole life ahead of him. I miss him every day and think about him all the time. Sometimes I just don't know how I am going to live the rest if my life without him.

But in the last 7 months I have been extremely up and down emotionally. And so much so that my partner of almost 2 years turned around and decided he couldn't be with me anymore. He said the way I have been the last few months has taken its toll on him and he doesn't think we can ever go back to how we used to be therefore he doesnít think he can be with me anymore.

I want to know if this has happened to anyone else and if so, how did you get through it???

This has just made a horrible time even harder and I feel more alone now than ever before. Because I am young I have found that A LOT of people have distanced themselves from me because they don't know how to help or support me. I just feel so abandoned by everyone and I wanted to share my experience to see if anyone had ever been through the same thing.

I know that mine and my family's lives will never be the same again and I know that we all have to start again and figure out who we are and where we are going after this terrible tragedy but how do you cope if everyone keeps leaving you because it's all too hard.....

 
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Old 04-23-2008, 05:13 AM   #2
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Re: Will I or my life ever be the same again??? Help Please

HI
Sorry for your loss. I know what you have gone through. I lost my father in law to the same cancer in 2004. He was diagnosed and in a few months he was gone. We would sit with him day after day, night after night. And i think we do that because we want to be there for when they peacefully slip away. That wasn't the case. We were there one afternoon and went off to have a break while a friend was there, and he passed while we were out. We got a call to get back asap but was too late. I got quite angry & upset because i wanted to be there with him and he went & done that. For a while i felt a little angry & hoped he would come to me in some way & tell me something. But time went on & i dealt with it. It was hard but it gets easier.

In July 05 we moved to Australia, and at the end August/Sep my brother had business over here so he bought my Mum over with him for a week. I thought it was too soon because we had just got a house n still settling in but they arrived but it was all good. Mum got a bit ill here just wif swollen legs etc because of the heat. She went into hospital here for cple days but no major. She came out n stayed a few more days with us then my brother came n got her. They went home to New Zealand and early Nov she felt ill in the stomach n went for check up & found she had gorstones. She was to have them removed in hospital. She texted me that morning b4 she went in2 theatre and i wished her luck n said i'll talk to her later when she gets out. She never came out of hospital. She went in on a Mon morn, Tuesday i got a call to say i needed to get home asap. Her pancreas got inflammed and never healed and all her internal organs started to fail. I flew in to New Zealand on the Thurs afternoon and got to spend till the following Wed with her. She still had all her marbles upstairs but all internal was failing.
I was 34 when i left NZ & that was the 1st time i had been away from her. I lived with her till i moved here so u can imagine what the loss meant to me.
I started having Anxiety panic attacks & thought i was going to die. I couldn't stop thinking about her, and i was so miserable. I didn't want to do anything or go anywhere. I had to come back to Australia a couple weeks later so coming away from my family all over again and knowing my Mum was no longer here, was so so hard.
When we moved here i would talk to her nearly every night on the phone no matter what the time was. She would send letters to my kids every week. Over time things have got easier. We don't really get over it but we get used to it and we learn to deal with it in our own way. I still think of my mum everyday. Not a day goes by. I still cry for her. I have tears in my eyes writing this. I talk to her and i know she is always watching over me. I still have roller coaster rides at times but it's getting better. I think right now i am missing home and my family so the anxiety is back a little. But i hope u can take something out of this. your not alone. Talk about it. Talk to your family. I found just reading some comments on here, over the last few days has really helped me. Good luck. And stay strong.

 
Old 04-23-2008, 06:59 AM   #3
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Re: Will I or my life ever be the same again??? Help Please

Hi Petrie, I also lost my father four years ago. He was diagnosed with bladder cancer and died within months. He was only 55 and he died on his birthday. He was the kindest, most caring man. I was extremely close to him. I wish I could tell you that the pain of grief will go away but honestly, you will never get over your father's dying. Like I said, it has been 4 years for me and there are still times that my heart aches for him and it seems like he just died. I was with him when he passed and I can still see his face. The one thing that gives me peace is knowing that he is at peace. He had to suffer horribly in the end. He was always such a proud man, never complained, even when you could see the pain in his face. I feel so angry at times because I feel he was cheated somehow...he was only 55 and should have had many more years left. He had 3 young grandchildren that will never really know what a kind and caring man he was. The thing that I do to keep his memory alive is talk about him and look at photos of him with my daughters. There are days when the pain of missing him isnt so bad. I miss him terribly but I know that my life must go on and I need to be strong for my daughters. There will be days when you dont think about him much and you will realize that the pain and grief have eased a little. The times that are hardest for me are when my children are in bed asleep at night and I'm awake by myself. It really seems to help me to just "let go" and cry and "talk to him"..... I dont know if I've helped you at all? I just thought by sharing my experience would help you to understand?? Really the only thing we can do is learn to cope and cherish the memory of our fathers. The days ahead will get a little easier. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 
Old 04-23-2008, 03:20 PM   #4
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Re: Will I or my life ever be the same again??? Help Please

First let me say that I am so sorry for your loss. It is never easy losing a parent, no matter how old you are.

Several years ago, in a 24-month period, I lost both parents, my favorite uncle, an aunt, a 12-year old cousin, both my cats and my job. Needless to say, I thought I would NEVER recover from all that. I attended some grief counseling sessions at my mother's hospice, talked to friends, etc., etc....but over a year later, I still wasn't coping very well.

It was at that point that I decided to see a psychiatrist for help. I started taking anti-depressants, and within a couple of months I was back to normal.

I think that for some of us, depression is caused by a precipitating event, such as loss of job, death of someone close to us, etc. We don't have generalized anxiety or depression, but that precipitating event can throw us into a downward spiral from which we cannot recover on our own. The right psychiatric treatment can be exactly what's needed.

Now, I'm not saying that you don't continue to miss the person...my folks have been gone for 15 years and I still miss them. The difference is, I can now function normally, and although I think of my folks nearly every day, I have many more happy thoughts about them than sad ones. I remember fun things, or think of how much one of them would have loved something I happen to be doing, or a joke they would have appreciated.

I've read that there are many stages of grief, among them denial, anger, sadness, acceptance, and that we don't necessarily go through them in any logical order and may, in fact, go back and forth between stages for a while. But everything I've read has said that if intense grief lasts for too long (more than six months) AND is impacting your ability to live a normal life,then it's time to get professional help.

Perhaps the best way you could honor your father is to get some help so that you can go on living the life he would have wished for you.

Ruth

 
Old 04-27-2008, 10:05 AM   #5
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Re: Will I or my life ever be the same again??? Help Please

Quote:
Originally Posted by Petrie1;3541987
[I
I know that mine and my family's lives will never be the same again and I know that we all have to start again and figure out who we are and where we are going after this terrible tragedy but how do you cope if everyone keeps leaving you because it's all too hard....[/I].
Hello Petrie1,

My heartfelt condolences go out to you and your family.

No, your lives will never be the same, as life is about continuous change; nothing remains exactly as it was for too long.

We learn to adapt to this inevitable change because life gives us no choice in the matter.

It is not so much about starting again as it is picking up the pieces and being able to move forward.

I do not know faithful you are with respect to religion but there is much to be said about faith being able to move proverbial mountains.

There is no way to actually prepare yourself for death; it is one of those circumstances that you can only experience at the given moment, for there are too many factors involved.
---------------------------------

Deep down, I know that you feel that your father would want you to go on with your life, letting this be an ultimate tribute to his efforts in helping to raise you into the person you are today.

I have realized in coping that we must cherish the good times and put the bad in perspective because the only way one can live a truly fulfilling life is to have experienced both extremes, to varying extents.

Take care and know that you are in my prayers.

Respectfully,

Phoenix

Last edited by Phoenix; 04-27-2008 at 10:06 AM.

 
Old 04-27-2008, 11:55 AM   #6
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Re: Will I or my life ever be the same again??? Help Please

Petrie, I am so very sorry for the loss of your father. My father was 54 when he died also, 26 years ago (I was 12 at the time). Will you or your life ever be the same again? No, not the 'the same', but you and your life will be good again, I can tell you that. It will be different, the 'new normal' that comes w/ the changes the death of someone we love brings to us --but it will be 'a' normal again, just not the same normal. The loss of your realtionship while still so freshly grieving for your father is even more grief and loss for you and for that, I am even more sorry. You will always miss your father, but right now, it is still raw and acute --too hard to imagine getting "past" (not that we get 'past' it, we just eventually incorporate it into our lives and live the new normal). Adding in more loss probably feels like you've been 'taken down' and I'm sorry for that. I understand, too, that you are feeling your own pain as well as pain for the others in your life who have lost your father --and for your father, that he left at such a young age, before seeing and living so much more. I understand that completely and you are not at all alone in feeling that multifaceted pain --it does hurt that much and it is that hard. You are absolutely 'normal' in your pain and grieving. It is hard, but it doesn't have to be 'too' hard. You aren't alone even though you feel so alone. I really think that support groups can be just that --a real support. I've turned to them a few times in my life and they were a genuine help and saving grace to me each time. I lost my younger son at birth almost 10 yrs ago and almost immediately contacted a national support group for infant loss, then attended local meetings with other grieving parents (and my husband). Later, my husband and I worked for this support group, helping other 'freshly' grieving parents. Both, needing and receiving the support and then later offering the help were beneficial to my own 'healing' (again, it's more an 'incorporation' than healing, an adjustment to the change -the absence the loss brings). Last year, when our living son was diagnosed with serious medical issues, my husband and I again joined support groups, one that meets locally once a month for in-person support and a few that are online message boards, much like this. Last month, I lost my beloved 'Nana', my grandmother, my fathers' mother. She was 100 yrs old and you'd think I'd just 'deal w/ it' b/c of how old she was and how ready SHE was to go (unlike others I've lost), right? Well, no way! It was a hard, slamming hit to the gut just like every other loss I've experienced and I've been having a very, very hard time 'adjusting' and 'incorporating' her absence into my 'new' normal w/o her. She was a phenomenal human being and a pure delight to know and love and she is missed achingly. I popped into this board today w/ her loss as my 'fresh' grief, but wanted to address your loss after seeing the beginning of your post --it just seemed to call out to be read. You will get 'through' this, but the other side of it is not back to the way things were before your father died; it will be how things are w/o your father here and that is hard and sad and painful, but it is not the end of everything good and wonderful and beautiful. You will have good, wonderful, and beautiful things in your life and you do now and even the day you lost your father, but it takes time to open up to them again b/c of how empty it feels w/o his place here to share in it and experience it, too. I do believe that your father would want you to open up to joy of living as soon as you are able to, that it would be a primary wish of his. I don't need to know him or you to know that much. Take your time to work through this pain knowing that it doesn't 'go away', but it does ease into being part of who you are from now on and it will be livable -you will enjoy your life and be happy again even while continuing to always miss your father. Allow yourself to reach out and let others help you, while you also help them even just in sharing your own grief; look into a support group or, if you'd prefer, private counseling. I, personally, am biased toward support groups, toward little 'communities' of people sharing their grief and supporting one another. I think it helps you and helps others at the same time. Also, I believe support groups help you to really see that you aren't alone and can sometimes pull you away from your own pain when you see that of others. Heck, I came to this support board missing my Nana and saw your post and felt for you; instead of posting my own thread, I answered yours. My suggestion to you would be to try to find a group in your area where you can meet in person, if you can. I think it may be a real help for you and that you may be a real help for others, too. I'd suggest that on your own, you let yourself feel your loss and pain, but try to remain open to what is still here and what may come into your life at the same time. And advice, too --avoid any mushy father-daughter movies for a while --a long while perhaps. Don't let yourself be in a situation where you will feel worse than you already do, but know that sometimes those situations will pop up and surprise you w/o warning. Eventually, those movies and situations that can pop up won't hurt as they do now, but for a while (a long while) they will. You can't avoid all of it, but do deserve a break from more pain if you can avoid some of it. Not all people grieve the same, but I understand the way you are grieving; I know it well.
Once again, I'm very sorry for your loss, Petrie,
Meghan

 
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