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Old 03-29-2011, 05:56 PM   #61
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mymaggiegirl2 HB User
Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died

What you are feeling is completely normal! Some times the pain will seem unbearable, but it will get easier each day. It may be a long time before the tears stop, but just remember that tears are HEALING and cry as much as you feel like crying remembering each tear is bringing you more and more healing. You will have to find a new "normal" for your life and you will in time. Your life has been turned upside down and nothing in it is the same now. You will eventually develope new habits and routines and the pain will stop some day. You will be able to miss your husband without that gut wrencing pain being there. You will remember the best about him and you will be able to think about him without crying. It does take a lot of time. Give yourself the time it takes and don't rush your grief. I am so sorry that you are going through this and I have experienced the same with a son who was the joy of my life. I thought I would die. I wanted to die. I hated that there was nothing I could do to change the fact that he was gone. I wanted to see him so bad and talk to him and hug him, but I couldn't. Time has allowed me to heal but I still miss him. Just remember that thousands of people go through this every day and they make it and you will too. Spend time with people who love you and care about you. Do the things that give you comfort and in time you will feel like joining life again. I hope this helps!

 
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Old 03-29-2011, 07:01 PM   #62
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Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died

People tell me to try to forget and go on with life. I can't. I feel so alone and I have reached out places, church, seniors recreation centre, etc. I have been told that I have had a real tough life. I know I have. This is the worst of all, the loss of my husband. I think that people do not want to be around me anymore. I am not happy. I am not at peace. I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I feel this way, don't know how to hide what i feel inside, how does one stop the pain and hurt. Even my grown children do not want to hear about my health problems. I have several auto immune disorders, investigating a heart problem now, have no energy at all, I am so tired all I want to do is sleep. People do not want to be around someone who has negative thoughts and emotions. They want to be around someone without any problems and who is happy and things are going good in their lives. Mine has changed so much. I don't want to put on an act anymore, and just talk about good things, when I am in such pain. What is holding me back is my health. I am surprised if anyone except my youngest calls to see how I am. I don't hear from my mom, sisters and brothers, my late husbands family, any friends that we had together. I am a third wheel. The saying two is company three is a crowd is right. I just do not fit in anyplace anymore. I feel abandoned, hurt, lonely, sad, sick, that is my life now. I met my husband 50 years ago, I just finished public school, we married 46 ago. When I say he is was my whole life it is true. I was 60 when he passed, he was my life, very few people can understand that. How can someone just try to forget, and go on with their lives.

 
Old 03-30-2011, 03:26 PM   #63
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Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died

pattianne: I know exactly how you feel. Unless you have gone through the loss of a spouse you don't know how we feel. I have buried both my parents and my late husbands parents and the pain is not even close to what I feel now. I miss him very much. People ask me if it gets better. To me, it doesn't, you just get alot more numb and learn to function better. It's been two years for me. I don't talk about it anymore, because people get tired of hearing it and they think it is time to move on. But then again these are people who have not gone through it. My best advice to you is to keep busy. I make myself get up and go to work everyday, and on weekends, make myself get up and do something, whether it is just walking in the mall, cleaning the house, whatever. Just keeping busy, because if I don't I start to think again more so than usual. Hugs to you. Hope I helped you. Maybe some people don't agree, but this is how I feel and what works for me.

 
Old 03-30-2011, 04:33 PM   #64
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Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died

Thank-you for responding to my post. It is true about keeping busy. It will be much easier when the spring finally comes. I will be busy gardening, or just going out for a walk. I can no longer work because of my polymyositis. I never know from one hour to the next how I will feel. People seem to want someone who is available at a moments notice, and I don't even want to tell people how I feel anymore. The people who know me, know that my illness is chronic, that I will always have pain, and that my life is a struggle. That part I have come to except. It has been 16 years since I was told about this illness, five in a million people are diag with the illness every year. It is rare. I do admit that I have a negative attitude. But, I am sick and tired of people passing on their opinions about what I should do, how I should act, and just think that since two years have gone by that I should be further ahead with my life. I am sure you know, like I know, that when we lost the rock in our lives, the one person that I could depend on, the one person who always was there for me, it hurts when our lives have changed so drastically. It also hurts to find out how some people really are. It hurts in my case to feel abandoned by most of my family. They have there own lives and I guess they have no time for me. Maybe, I should just forget that I made time for so many others in there time of need, I was there, I listened to them, I did what I could. I don't regret anything that I ever did for others but I never thought that some people can be as cold as they are.

 
Old 03-31-2011, 01:01 AM   #65
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Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died

Dear grieving people,

I have just lost the only partner I ever had to a stroke, and reading your posts makes me thankful for the years I spent being single, more than I spent with him, because it has left me capable of visualising a happy life on my own. Although I do grieve deeply, I seem able to live with it because of my absolute belief in the immortality of his soul. My religious faith has never been stronger, though previouly I found limited comfort in religion.

I'm not telling you what I think you should do because I absolutely do not believe in it! It was remarks like the following that drove me to show support for you. ' But, I am sick and tired of people passing on their opinions about what I should do, how I should act, and just think that since two years have gone by that I should be further ahead with my life.'

Oh, yes, the patronising idea that if you do and say exactly as someone else thinks, your problems will fade away! The assumption that somehow you don't know that this is what you are 'supposed' to do without their 'help'! If you 'put it out of your mind', unhappy thoughts won't come walloping back double strength! I have reached the conclusion that if you ever have a serious problem, you do in fact have two, the problem itself and the people who think they know better because they haven't experienced it.

I think there is not a lot you can do except tell them as little as possible, but I feel for your loneliness. I believe that my rainbow portraits are so well received is because people are deeply moved to think that someone can have gone to such lengths thinking about them and their grief. I found a quote by the artist George Braques that I will add to my signature: ~Art is a wound turned into light.~

I think that there is a way for each of you to recover, but only you can find it. The closest I can come to offering advice is to do whatever works for you to find a few moments, five minutes maybe, of inner calm, then look into your heart and ask, what would he like you to do? He loves you so much he doesn't want you to suffer... Deep steady breathing helps. I can imagine you saying: 'what good is that?' Well, it's just a tiny little step...

I think my signature says a lot, and so does the quote about the journey of a thousand miles that begins with a single step.
__________________
~If I keep a green bough in my heart the singing bird will come.
~Chinese Proverb.

~Art is a wound turned into light.
~George Braque.

 
Old 11-04-2011, 05:40 AM   #66
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Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died

It is two days short of a month since my husband of 17 years shot himself in our bed. I am left with four children. I am feeling like u described. Just lost, nothing feels like home, kinda just outta place in life. Tired of burdoning friends with the constant sorrow so u pretend all is fine but still searching for that missing piece to the puzzle. Lying to yourself or getting mad just to stop crying. But, everyday another memory, another image, another song, another part of him brings the torture back fresh as when it happened. The whys, what ifs, and closure never seems to surface. Im numb as well friend, my kids are the only reason i didnt take my own life behind him. The reality of hes never coming back, ever it overwhelmming. I think we will find our peace friend, it will come just not today. You ever need a friend although our bond is tragic, im here.

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Old 11-05-2011, 07:50 PM   #67
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Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died

I am so sorry that you are in such pain. What a tragic thing to happen. My older sister took her life a month ago. She was the only one in the family that I was close to, and same for her, she only had me. My mother made her feel worthless when she needed help, said some very cruel things to her. That only made her dispair worse and she took her life. My mother who I do not want any contact with, and her favorite sons and daughter are being very cruel to me now. They are guilty and I know that is why they are being so ignorant to me. Also, I lost my husband three years ago and they think they can get away with disrespecting me. He would of put them in their place and they would of never had such attitudes. Oh, well life can change, and I can at least look at myself in the mirror and be proud of who I am. I have always shown respect to others and do the right thing. Their day will come. This loss has brought back the loss of my husband like it just happened. The pain is as strong as it was years ago. All I want out of life is PEACE, just let me be. What I have learned is that I have had a horrible life, since I was a small child, battered and beaten by my parents. I have had some good loving years and what I wish I would of thought back then was just how blessed that I had married for 43 years to a wonderful man who trully loved me. He was my rock, my friend, my companion, my everything. He is gone, and I know I still have this big hole in my heart. I wonder why I am still hanging on to life, for what. I have a life threatening illness, no family support, few friends who are busy with their own lives. I am truly doing this alone and to tell you the truth tonight I feel like enough is enough. I have no quality of life, just chronic pain, lonliness, hurt and abandonment, what is life all about. I am or I thought I was a believer, why are so many of us in this horrible pain, physical, emotional and spiritual. Just wondering.

 
Old 11-06-2011, 11:34 AM   #68
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Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died

((((((Pattianne))))))) <<<<<<<< those are some virtual hugs coming your way

So sorry for your pain that comes from your losses as well as that from your past and the physical pain you must also endure.

I don't know why some must suffer so much while others don't know anything nearly as close. I guess they say that God doesn't give us anything more than we can bear but sometimes it just seems a little off balance having some burdened more than others.

It does test one's faith, that's for sure.

I guess it is something that we will gain better understanding of in the future and while enduring it we somehow gain the wisdom, strength and grace to get through.

At least that's the way in which I see it.

It's all a journey and what I have found is that somehow we always find somebody who understands and is walking in a similar pair of shoes.

I hope that you see that too.....in my personal experience it's not always our family that helps us through it's meeting others in places like this who are able to truly understand what we are going through.

And what a true blessing that is to have the technology to be able to meet others who truly "get it" and have the ability to make you feel less alone in making the journey.

I hope that each day becomes a bit easier and that amongst the pain and losses that you have endured you are able to see the blessings too.

Hang in there and here's hoping that each day you are able to see the sunshine amidst the rain.

((((HUGS))))) ~ Ivory

 
Old 11-07-2011, 05:49 AM   #69
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Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died

Ivorygirl,
Thank-you for your post, and the hugs, greatly appreciated. This is just a very bad period that I am going through. To find out that I am no longer in remission with my illness, finding that the medications that are to help, I can no longer tollerate. My stomach is a constant ache. My body is in so much pain that it just takes away the joy that I am reaching out for. I find my joy in nature. Watching different birds come to the feeders in my back, seeing the bright red, yellow and orange leaves that fill the landscape, these are the things that I look to for some kind of pleasure. I live in Canada, and the days are becoming shorter, the cold winter will be here before I know it. It is so difficult when I am doing all this alone. My years were spent working mainly in health care. What I seen would bring many to tears. I worked in the treatment planning section of the radiation dept of our large cancer clinic, as well as the nursing dept. Just thought I would mention this because I know that others suffer too. I try to count my blessings, not easy to do. At least I had my health till I was diag with cancer in my 40's, and within 5 years had several auto immune diseases, the one rare one I have could be fatal. People can say, just one day at a time, take it easy, count your blessings, etc, but to truly understand severe child abuse, illness and death, one has to experience all of that like I did to understand. I know that it can be controlled sometimes in my life for awhile, just through my determination, but it took what happened in the past month to stir it all up again and the pain at this time is not controlled. Everyone has problems, I understand that, but being hit, over, over, over again with one thing after another sometimes makes me feel like my life has been one big cruel joke. I will go back to breavement, which is run by volunteers, who have lost loved ones too. Maybe I will look into finding some help with the rage that I feel from being singled out of 6 children and having my skull fractured at age 3, that is when it all began, and it was something that my mother has told me she doesn't give a crap about, that happened a long time ago, and hung up on me when I have tried to get some sense out of why she and my dad did this to me. She just does not care. I do care about others, that is where I find it so difficult to even be in the same city as her. She has surrounded herself by a couple sons and a daughter and they had all gotten together, I guess with nothing better to do than torture me and my older sister who could not take it and killed herself. How tragic, how cruel, so twisted that the evil that they spew has made my mind up that I will never set my eyes on any of them ever again. I have been told on other threads that others love their moms and I should not write such things, again they have no clue whatsoever of the pain that some children endure and I take it as very selfish comments not to have any emphany for other who have experienced such pain as I have. Funny when I think of it. I went to a career that put me in a position to help others in pain, my 2 girls did also. One is a dimensia nurse, the other worked in oncology, intensive care and now emergency medicine. So i guess in my case the apple didn't fall far from the tree, my girls must of seen something in me that felt rewarding in helping others in pain and did the same. For that I am so proud.

 
Old 12-01-2011, 09:07 PM   #70
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Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died

My life partner died Oct 20, 2011...One month and a bit...a massive heart attack as well. I know exactly how you feel! It doesn't compare to when I lost my mom. He was my love, my life...it took me 13 years to find him. Tonight was the towns Santa parade which we always went to and tonight I couldnt have if I tried. I cry, and cry, I barely sleep, I go to work and go through the motions as you do. I have gone into the farm yard and screamed...it didnt help. You are not alone...I feel exactly the way you do. I am told it is part of the grieving process but when does it stop? It is still new to us but after speaking with someone who lost her husband 10 years ago...she told me that she continues to go through the motions. I just wanted you to know...that you are NOT alone.

 
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Old 12-02-2011, 10:50 PM   #71
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Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died

I really don't know when the pain will end for me. As time has passed I have found it somewhat easier to cope with life. But, when I found my sister dead a couple of months ago, I had to face that horrible time myself without the help of my husband. What I have noticed too is that most of my bio family have not shown me the respect that they did when my husband was alive. None of my brothers or sisters have asked how am I managing, how are things with my health and they all know that I have a very serious illness, they just don't care. I see them as very self centered, but their time will come. So far I have suffered a very serious, chronic illness which has no cure. I have had to stop working because of it. My husband died when I just turned 60, we had been married for 43 years, I had and survived cancer. Bad things can happen to anyone. I just have had more bad things happen to me than most. I watch how others have ignored me, and just do not care. I wonder how they will feel when they loose their husands or wives, get a serious illness, run into other trouble. Who will they turn to. I will not be there for them. I have had more support from my few friends than all my family put together. I don't wish anyone any trouble or hurt but it will happen because that is just life. I hope and pray every day that my life will start turning for the better, and I hope and pray that life will also turn for the better for all of you on this message board.
Pattianne

 
Old 12-02-2011, 11:12 PM   #72
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Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died

Quote:
Originally Posted by Donnetta View Post
Two months ago my husband died in my arms at the age of 41 from a massive heart attack. I am so lost without him, I just don't know what to do. He was my best friend, my sweetie, my darling, my everything. Everyone keeps telling me that all I need is time, things will get better, yada, yada, yada. I just want to scream at them to shutup and go away. I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and just stay there. I took off work for a month because I literally could not function. Now I manage to drag myself out of bed each morning, get dressed, go to work, then come home. I have no interest in doing anything that I used to love doing. I don't even turn the TV on and if I do, I really don't even listen to it. I put on a pretty good act I suppose because everyone seems to think I'm fine. I go through the motions every day, but inside I feel like I am dying. The only way I can make it through the day is to take medication. I cry myself to sleep every single night and I wake up crying every morning and sometimes in between. I don't know what a breakdown feels like or is, but I just feel so disconnected from everything and everyone. We had so many plans and did everything together, now I have nothing. Except our cats. Who honestly are just as lost as I am. I try to picture my life down the road, I try to figure out what I'm going to do next, but I just can't even think. I feel like I'm on auto pilot and just do what I have to do and don't really care about the rest. I actually forgot to eat dinner last night. I have never done that before, ever. When does the pain ease up? Or does it? I know my husband is in heaven and he is at peace. But I find no peace. I am so angry and sad. I just don't know how to deal with this. How do you deal with this? Both of my parents are dead, and one of my sisters, but those loses just don't compare with this for some reason. I still grieve for them and miss them but not to the point that I can't function. I am not suicidal, but I just don't care what happens. Does that make any sense? I just want some relief from this pain in my gut. I can't get the pictures and the sounds out of my head from the night he died. I keep thinking I should have been able to do something to save him. I had my hand on his chest as a cradled him in my arms and felt his heart pounding and then it just stopped while I was still on the phone with 911. The whole thing lasted no more than 5 minutes before the paramedics arrived, but it seemed like forever. And I know that will haunt me the rest of my days. How does anyone cope with this kind of thing? How do you get past it and try to live again? I feel like I died right there with him that night.
I lost my husband at the age of 29. However I was left with 3 preschoolers that took a lot of my time and energy that you no doubt don't have. But, I remember at 3 months I felt everyone had diserted me and I was left alone in my grief. I went and bought a piano, got a hymnal and learned to sing and pray and had great fellowship with the Lord. Eventually I stepped out and went places and did fun things alone, yet I was very sad. I took a cake decorating course and learned that trade which brought me some joy. My prayer is for you to make it through each day with the sense that God is still watching over you and holding you in His arms.

 
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Old 12-03-2011, 04:41 PM   #73
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Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died

What a wonderful prayer, "that God is watching all of us and holding us in his loving arms". This is a very bad month for many. Christmas is the time of year that families get together, it is the time of year that in previous years I would have family around and I loved doing things for them. My two daughters are now grown, 41 and 46 years old. I was a very young mom at age 18. I have 4 grown grandchildren, and today I phoned my girls just because I was really lonely and needed to talk to family. They are just too busy and don't have time for their mother now. They loved their dad and now that he is gone they think because I have seemed to be coping OK over the past 3 years that I am OK. What I mean is that I can take care of my business, I have learned how to because I just had to, nobody else around to help. They know that I am hurting, maybe they just don't know what to do for me or say to me, but I feel so alone now that my heart is in pain, stabbing pain. I wake up each day and start of with a prayer to God to show me the way that I might have some happiness and some relief from the chronic physical pain that I feel. Nothing seems to be changing. I must admit living in a northern climate and it getting dark at 5pm doesn't help much. I do have a few close girlfriends but they too have a full life with family and things that they have to do. I just have to some how muster up the strength to get through this tough time of the year and the winter months. Only we, who have lost the love of our lives, our best friends, our life partners, our everything and in my case, ( we were together each and every day since I was 14, he was the boy next door), only we know the deep down pain, and the great loss. I am 64 now, feel just too old to think that I will ever meet anyone that could even come close to what my husband was and what I lost. What I wonder, is what is my reason for going on. If I had my physical health I would volunteer, take a course or two, but with the chronic illness that I have I am zapped of my energy and all that is left to feel is downright pain, physical and emotional pain. My prayer is for me to try and find my purpose in life, try to scratch out just a tiny bit of happiness, I wonder how much longer I will have to wait.

 
Old 12-03-2011, 06:46 PM   #74
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Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died

Quote:
Originally Posted by pattianne24 View Post
What a wonderful prayer, "that God is watching all of us and holding us in his loving arms". This is a very bad month for many. Christmas is the time of year that families get together, it is the time of year that in previous years I would have family around and I loved doing things for them. My two daughters are now grown, 41 and 46 years old. I was a very young mom at age 18. I have 4 grown grandchildren, and today I phoned my girls just because I was really lonely and needed to talk to family. They are just too busy and don't have time for their mother now. They loved their dad and now that he is gone they think because I have seemed to be coping OK over the past 3 years that I am OK. What I mean is that I can take care of my business, I have learned how to because I just had to, nobody else around to help. They know that I am hurting, maybe they just don't know what to do for me or say to me, but I feel so alone now that my heart is in pain, stabbing pain. I wake up each day and start of with a prayer to God to show me the way that I might have some happiness and some relief from the chronic physical pain that I feel. Nothing seems to be changing. I must admit living in a northern climate and it getting dark at 5pm doesn't help much. I do have a few close girlfriends but they too have a full life with family and things that they have to do. I just have to some how muster up the strength to get through this tough time of the year and the winter months. Only we, who have lost the love of our lives, our best friends, our life partners, our everything and in my case, ( we were together each and every day since I was 14, he was the boy next door), only we know the deep down pain, and the great loss. I am 64 now, feel just too old to think that I will ever meet anyone that could even come close to what my husband was and what I lost. What I wonder, is what is my reason for going on. If I had my physical health I would volunteer, take a course or two, but with the chronic illness that I have I am zapped of my energy and all that is left to feel is downright pain, physical and emotional pain. My prayer is for me to try and find my purpose in life, try to scratch out just a tiny bit of happiness, I wonder how much longer I will have to wait.
Hang in there Pattiann, this too will pass...that is the awful grief that you are going through right now. No one knows how you feel unless they have been in your shoes, even your close loved ones won't know til this happens to them. People do have their individual lives to live and now that Christmas is upon them they have a heavier load on themselves with all the activities. I lost my spouse at this time of the year. I made an effort to attend functions (by myself) that could possibly give me a break for an hour or two with thinking of something else. Possibly you could attend a Christmas play, go see Christmas decorations, make an effort to get out where people are. Go ahead and cry but push on, find something to do for your own mental healths sake. If you are limited physically bring in some movies or even ask a lonely friend to join you for some refreshment and conversation. But, use this time to get in touch with yourself and our God who cares. I send you my love. Maybe a small boquet of flowers for yourself would give you a little lift in your spirits? Keep pusing forward.

 
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Old 12-04-2011, 12:14 PM   #75
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Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died

Screim,
Thank-you for the post and all the suggestions that you have given. The first Christmas that I was alone, I didn't get any invites to any events. All of the friends that we had were my husbands friends and their wives. My kids being nurses had to work the holidays and I understand that they were busy. They are both single moms now and they really have full lives. So, what I do now is nothing for Christmas, maybe go to church but that is it. No more cards, no more tree or putting out the outside lights since I have noone to help me. I just give cash to my girls and let them get what they want. I can't be bothered in trying to find a parking spot and all the rush, rush, rush that is going on in the malls this time of the year. My belief is that Christmas has become such a commercial day, a time to make money is what it seems to be. I see so many unhappy faces, people are running around trying to find this and that in the stores and they are unhappy and tired of it all. I have listened to the comments of people and they all say that it is just a big commercial holiday. To sit down together for a meal as a family is great, when my youngest had Christmas off a couple years ago she made the turkey and stuffing and I made everything else. We sat and had a un rushed dinner and all of us got up together and cleaned up, that is all I want. I just dread the winter, this has been the case ever since I got this rare autoimmune disease, I feel 100% better in the nice weather. But here I am, I can't afford to spend my winters in a nice climate, since my husband passed our/my income was cut over 60%. I have tried to get out of this slump for the past 3 years, no luck, I am lonely and that is why I feel this way. I still miss my husband as much as the day he died, and after spending 47 out of my 64 years with him it is like a big part of me died with him.

 
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