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Donnetta 05-23-2008 09:22 PM

It's been 2 months since my husband died
 
Two months ago my husband died in my arms at the age of 41 from a massive heart attack. I am so lost without him, I just don't know what to do. He was my best friend, my sweetie, my darling, my everything. Everyone keeps telling me that all I need is time, things will get better, yada, yada, yada. I just want to scream at them to shutup and go away. I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and just stay there. I took off work for a month because I literally could not function. Now I manage to drag myself out of bed each morning, get dressed, go to work, then come home. I have no interest in doing anything that I used to love doing. I don't even turn the TV on and if I do, I really don't even listen to it. I put on a pretty good act I suppose because everyone seems to think I'm fine. I go through the motions every day, but inside I feel like I am dying. The only way I can make it through the day is to take medication. I cry myself to sleep every single night and I wake up crying every morning and sometimes in between. I don't know what a breakdown feels like or is, but I just feel so disconnected from everything and everyone. We had so many plans and did everything together, now I have nothing. Except our cats. Who honestly are just as lost as I am. I try to picture my life down the road, I try to figure out what I'm going to do next, but I just can't even think. I feel like I'm on auto pilot and just do what I have to do and don't really care about the rest. I actually forgot to eat dinner last night. I have never done that before, ever. When does the pain ease up? Or does it? I know my husband is in heaven and he is at peace. But I find no peace. I am so angry and sad. I just don't know how to deal with this. How do you deal with this? Both of my parents are dead, and one of my sisters, but those loses just don't compare with this for some reason. I still grieve for them and miss them but not to the point that I can't function. I am not suicidal, but I just don't care what happens. Does that make any sense? I just want some relief from this pain in my gut. I can't get the pictures and the sounds out of my head from the night he died. I keep thinking I should have been able to do something to save him. I had my hand on his chest as a cradled him in my arms and felt his heart pounding and then it just stopped while I was still on the phone with 911. The whole thing lasted no more than 5 minutes before the paramedics arrived, but it seemed like forever. And I know that will haunt me the rest of my days. How does anyone cope with this kind of thing? How do you get past it and try to live again? I feel like I died right there with him that night.

denyor 05-24-2008 06:56 AM

Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died
 
It's been two months today for me since my son died. I drive myself crazy looking at his my space and listing to his singing. He was so alsome. I'm not much help as I am in the same place but I do so understand how you feel if that helps..

Donnetta 05-24-2008 03:49 PM

Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died
 
Denyor, thank you for your reply. I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand what you are saying about listening to your son's music and the my space page, etc. I do the same thing with my husband's cell phone. Crazy, isn't it? I am sure that our loses are totally different, although terrible losses just the same. I cannot imagine losing my only son. Mother's should never have to bury their children. I wouldn't wish any of this kind of pain on anyone. We are the same, yet different. I'm not sure how to cope anymore. We bought this house 3 years ago, my husband's "dream home". I see him everywhere and in everything here. I can't stand it here, yet can't stand the thought of not being here either. How do you stop from driving yourself crazy? I used to look so forward to 3 day weekends, now I'm just filled with dread about the upcoming holiday. Family members want to gather at our house because they always used to. I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I wish us both peace somehow, some way.

Niclolu 05-24-2008 09:24 PM

Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died
 
Hi Donetta,

The only thing that will help to ease the pain is time. You never get over it but the pain becomes more bearable. You will always miss the person and still wish for what once were but eventually, you are able to function again. Some people never recover but many do and they hang in there until they can see their loved ones again. It truly depends on your beliefs.

I think it is wonderful that you had someone in your life that you loved so much. How fortunate and blessed you are as some people never find that kind of love for person.

Of course, this would be the most difficult to bear because your spouse is supposed to be your lifelong partner and your best friend. I believe that it is different than losing a parent or another family member. You spend more time with your spouse than anyone else and if your love runs deep, their absence cuts the deepest.

My mother-in-law passed away from a sudden heart attack and my father-in-law is still having a hard time. That was his companion for 56 years. He has times of solitude when he deals with accepting the truth and after 5 months, it is still difficult. Then there are times that he keeps busy by spending time with friends and family and it helps him. He talks about her and shares his sorrow but he also has the opportunity to laugh as he is surrounded by his grandchildren.

You need time alone to grieve but you also need the time to be with people who are a support to you. I know what it is like to be in pain and the frustration of knowing that there is nothing that you can do to ease that pain.You want the impossible and dream for the impossible but you know what you have are many longs days ahead.

Maintain your gratitude for the beautiful memories of times shared with your husband. Know that you are not alone and know that people do make it through this. Give yourself plenty of time to heal and take care of yourself. Talk to your pastor if you belong to a church. Many people find their faith to be of great comfort. When you are ready, go out and do things and you will one day find that you can enjoy life once again. Afterall, your husband would want that for you.

I wish you the best, I wish you healing and I wish you comfort from heaven. :angel:

Donnetta 05-24-2008 11:04 PM

Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died
 
Hi Nicolu, thank you for your response. I do understand that it will take time. I just don't know how long I can cope with this contstant crying. I feel so out of control and the only way I have any control is to take the drugs prescribed by my doctor. I've never been one who likes to cry in front of people, these emotions are just killing me. I don't care if I'm walking through the grocery store crying. And I am very, very grateful for the time I had with my darling husband, I just needed more, I feel so cheated, he was cheated, his oldest daughter is getting married in his church in December and it is so awful right how, I hope she finds some happiness somehow, some way, I cannot comfort her, I don't have it in me. I just do not understand, and I know it is not for me to understand, but it it just killing us all. I just don't know how to survive this. I have alot of family support. And the friends who were never there before, but want to be there now, I just don't know, I am so lost without him. Everything just sucks, I keep hoping that "tomorrow" will be better, but so far, not good. I am so empty inside. I don't know where to turn. I need to know how to cope with these feelings.

But, again, thank you for your response.

metobe 05-29-2008 06:40 PM

Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died
 
Donneta, I haven't posted here in a very long time but I too lost my husband of 40 years plus we dated for 3 years before that he went to be with The Lord on March 30th (two months ago tomorrow) and I know the pain you are feeling very well we didn't have any children and I lost my dad (89 years old) on January 8th of this year also only a little less than three months apart and on the day we buried my dad I had to put my mother into a nursing home so the last about seven months has been a nightmare for me too! I lived at the cancer hospital where my husband was for about 4-1/2 to 5 months had my air bed in his room each time he was there for a treatment which was most of the time he found out about his cancer on Oct 29th of last year and was only home about a total of maybe three weeks from Oct 29th to March 24th when he came home for the last time with Hospice.

I have just the last maybe week or so been able to kinda function without having an episode with high blood pressure due to stress and anxiety but God has been so good to me He has given me good medicine even though at times I feel like a junkie! I am on anti-anxiety med, anti depressant to sleep at night and now blood pressure med. Since I have felt a bit better physically I've been trying to keep really busy like working in my yard and going to lunch with friends etc and I am finding this is helping me at least to some extent. I loved my husband so and he was also my best friend and his cancer came out of nowhere one day he had never been sick other than a cold or sinus infection never had any surgeries actually had never been in a hospital for anything! We too had many plans he retired in 1998 and was only 58 when he passed away he would have been 59 in June. He worked for our church part time as maintenance man and loved helping people seemed he was always doing something for someone! My life will never never be the same again but I know in my heart that God has a plan for me too I sure don't know what that plan is at this point but I am trusting He has one and I'm sure it is a good one as His Word says. This is horribly hard and I too have cried sometimes to the point I feel I have no more tears but I know my husband would want me to go on living life and remember only the good things and just know that he loved me very much and no matter that he isn't here in person he will always remain in my heart there will never be a day that I don't think of him and that I not love him but I know for some reason God chose to leave me here and to take my husband I think probably it was just that He wanted him to be with HIM so for my husband I do truly rejoice that he is with The Lord but for me it is hard BUT GOD!

I know that people deal with grief in so many different ways but whether it be through crying our eyes out or screaming or hiding our heads for awhile we have to stop in the midst of it all and remember our lives too are important to God and He wants us to carry on and just keep seeking HIM for our purposes and direction. I am in NO WAY trying to say this is easy because it certainly isn't at all but I just know that turning to God is the only way to one day come through the grief into good memories and hopefully in some form or other a good life once again but certainly a different life a life without one we loved so dearly but trying to love them even more after death to know and realize they would want us to go on living.

I pray this did not offend you in any way as I am talking to myself just as much as I am you Donneta. You will be in my prayers.

Donnetta 05-30-2008 08:54 PM

Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died
 
Dear Metobe,

No, your post did not offend me in the least. I know you are just trying to help and make me feel better, and I thank you for that. I am just so lost without my hubby, nothing feels right, nothing looks right, everything has changed and I hate that. I know I should be grateful for the wonderful times we had together and I am, I just wanted so much more. He was so miserable the last 6 months of his life and all I wanted was for him to get better so that we could get on with our lives and be normal again. I struggle everyday to understand and I find myself questioning what faith I had. My hubby had strong faith and that's good, but me, I'm not sure anymore. I'm not sure about anything. I don't know how much more of this I can take, I feel like I am on the verge of a complete breakdown. I am so tired of crying all the time, it helps nothing and it certainly doesn't make me feel any better. I am on medication which does help, but as soon as it starts to wear off, I am crying again. I manage to make it through the work day, somehow, and then come home and break down again. There will never be another love like that one for me and I just can't stand it that he's gone. Thank you so much for listening and hearing me and responding to me in such a heartfelt manner. I feel your pain also. I lost my dear mom to Alzheimer's in 2004 and a sister to a heart attack 2 weeks after my husband. I'm trying to hang onto the good times and memories, but I can only hang on so long. Bless you dear heart.

bbugk 05-30-2008 09:49 PM

Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died
 
Donnetta, I just want to cry for you and the pain you are going through. From knowing someone who has gone through Post Tramatic Stress Disorder, I wonder if you are suffering through the same disorder. I only say this because you said " I can't get the pictures and sounds out of my head from the night he died. And, The whole thing lasted no more than 5 minutes before the paramedics arrived, but it seemed like forever. " The re-living of a major stressful event over and over and the feeling of everything being in slow motion are both symptoms of PTSD. I am so worried about you. You will not be able to go through the stages of grief and the time you deserve and need to slowly start to feel better if you are suffering with this disorder. Your husband would be so sad knowing you were going through those 5 minutes over and over again. He would be the first to put his arms around you and say " Come on sweetie, I'm taking you to the doctor." Please go back to the doctor to see what he thinks about the possibility of PTSD. I pray that each day brings you one more minute of sunshine than the day before.

annshal 06-03-2008 12:01 PM

Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died
 
Its been 4 weeks since my husband died from a terrible very rare cancer. Apparently only 1 in 100,000 get this disease, bile duct cancer. It was the most inhumane disease anyone could have. No cure, no surgery, only chemo to try and shrink the tumors. My husband took one chemo treatment and it put him back in the hospital. He suffered for 20 months. In the last 4 weeks he could have nothing to eat, not even liquid diet. We could water in his mouth through a dropper or ice chips. He went from 180 lbs. to
118 lbs. He was totally skin and bones. And he suffered right up to the minute he died. I died when he died. I have nothing to live for. I miss him so much. I looked after him at home. I promised him I would not let him die in the hospital. In the 20 months he suffered he was in and out of the hospital at least a dozen times. He suffered septic shock twice and was in ICU every time he entered the hospital. I don't want to get up each morning nd I don't want to go to bed at night. He took such good care of me and our 4 children who are all grown now. We talk about growing old together, but no one tells us what it could be like. I know no one can offer words that would help and this is something I have to go through on my own, but I keep hoping I am in a horrible nightmare. Thank you for letting me talk.

Niclolu 06-03-2008 05:47 PM

Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died
 
Donetta, I know what it is like to feel cheated and life makes no sense at this time. I am like you, I do not like for people to see me cry but you need to cry and let your body grieve. Your pain is deep and that is why you feel the need to cry all the time. You suppress it long enough and it will eat at you and things will start to shut down. Your body knows what it needs.

Keep taking things one day at a time and put one foot in front of the other. I believe that you will see your husband again. It will seem like an eternity to you but to him, in the beautiful place where he is at, the time is short.

Whatever his purpose in life, he has met it and whatever his lesson in life, he has learned it and God called him home. Your journey is meant to be longer and one day you will travel the same road. We all do.

Be happy for him because he is in a much better place. Be happy again because he would want you to be. It seems impossible now but you will get there. You have to want it for yourself as much as he would have wanted it for you.

Keep talking about it, Donetta. You have people who care about you and you are not alone.

Donnetta 06-05-2008 07:52 PM

Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died
 
Thank you all so much for your responses. I wish I could say I feel better now than I did the last time I posted, but truth is, I feel worse than ever. I know I can't do anything to change what has happened, can't even make it a tiny bit better, but I just can't accept the fact that he is gone and I will never see his handsome face or hear his wonderful voice or laugh with him again. It just tears me up inside and I can't help but think I should have been able to do something to help save him. Maybe if I had known CPR, maybe if I had been awake to begin with. I just come home and cry every day until I think I can't cry anymore and then I wake up in the middle of the night and cry some more. I am so tired. I am just weary to the bone. I do have an appointment with my doctor again next week, but I just don't know what could possibly help me. I am already on medications. I sleep for a couple of hours at a time, wake up and my brain just won't turn off. My family and friends seem to think that I'm okay and I guess to them, I do appear to be, but I'm just not here anymore. I try to make myself be more positive about life in general, but I just can't. My life was my husband and now he's gone. I'm sure I will go on, but I don't know how just yet and happiness seems like it's for others and not me. But I do thank each and every one of you for your kind words and your encouragement. I'm trying to hang on. I'm just losing my faith and I guess that's the biggest problem.

Niclolu 06-06-2008 09:52 PM

Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died
 
Hang in there. I will keep checking in on you!

jason74 06-12-2008 10:46 AM

Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died
 
Hi Donnetta,

My wife of 10 years died in our front yard two years ago this month. My six year old girl (at the time) found her and came screaming to me. I ran out to find her in a way no one should have to find a loved one. In one instance my world was turned upside down. I felt everything that you are feeling. I felt like a part of me died right there with her. I felt like I could have prevented it from happening. I got many gray hairs and began losing hair from the intense stress I was under. I was 32 at the time.


One day I began shaking horribly and I couldn't stop. If there is such a thing as a nervous breakdown, I was experiencing it. I was yelling, screaming, crying, kicking, I was out of control. I was just so tired, so very tired from the pain.

I got down on my knees and told God I couldn't do this anymore. I can't do this alone. That was a turning point for me.

I had a big responsiblity ahead of me (suddenly becoming a single parent of a six year old and a one year old) and I knew I had two choices. I could either die right then and wander through the rest of my life or I could choose to live with meaning and purpose.

The walk through the valley was tremendously difficult but it is over. I have victory over her death. I know she is in heaven and I have a new life now. To be 100% completely honest with you I have never been happier in my life. I know God far better than I ever have before. I now know why we are here and what life is all about. I feel all of lifes emotions much stronger now because of what I've been through. A lot of people never get life because they never have to go through something so tragic that we have faced. You will make it through this tough time and you will be a better person because of it.


You are a good person Donnetta and I will be praying for you.

Jason

Donnetta 06-13-2008 09:16 PM

Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died
 
Hi Jason,

Thank you so much for sharing your painful story. I can't imagine how awful it must have been for your little girl. I'm an "adult" and I find the images in my head still make me want to scream. I can see where your children would give you a reason, a meaning and a purpose to go forward. How could you not with 2 young lives in your hands, so to speak. I am also happy that you seem to have found your way and come out on the other side stronger and better for having done so. I was raised Baptist, my first husband was Pentecostal and we married in that church. My husband who just died was Catholic. He was just baptized in the Catholic church one year ago on Easter. I have always felt like I've known God and I know he moves in mysterious ways and we don't always know why, actually we usually never know why I suppose. But I've got to "confess", I am so angry with God right now, maybe I have been for a long, long time and this has just about pushed me over the edge. My mom died in 2004 from Alzheimer's after being in hospice in her home for 18 months. It was the most demoralizing, inhumane kind of death for anyone, much less a woman as wonderful as my mom was. By the time she finally passed away, she did not know anyone, not even her 7children, didn't know that she was in her home that she had lived in for 50+ years, she couldn't feed herself, just kind of "disappeared" a little bit each day until there was nothing left and we were praying for God to just take her. Why did he do that? I don't know, I still don't have the answer for that either. Then my sister had a heart attack at the age of 47. She suffered for 4 years, in and out of hospitals with every complication you could even imagine, even on a ventilator for 3 weeks with the doctors telling us she was going to die any day, but she lived another 6 months in a nursing home and passed away 3 weeks after my husband died. Why? I just don't know. To bring me to my knees? That happened a long, long time ago. I feel like I've been on my knees more often than not over the last 4 or 5 years. I don't know why. I don't know much of anything anymore. And like you once were, I am so tired, I am so very tired. I still pray every morning, noon and night and whenever I feel the need, but I just don't know if my faith is as strong as it once was. But I thank you anyway for your prayers and your thoughts. From the bottom of my heart I thank you and I pray for you and your daughters also.

Rhondamlr 06-15-2008 08:25 PM

Re: It's been 2 months since my husband died
 
Donnetta,

I don't know if this is going to help or not but what you are describing sounds "normal" whatever normal is when we go through these horrid losses. I felt like you were describing my life 14 months ago when I lost my husband suddenly. For a better part of the year all I could think of was the day he died and the day of the accident. He lived for a week and the doctors said he was fine and coming home in 2 days but I knew something was wrong and couldn't get them to listen. I was with him from 6:00 a.m. till 9:00ish p.m. every day and had friends stay with him at night. But at 4:01 a.m. I got a call telling me to get to the hospital and when I got there he was brain dead.....let the nightmares and daymares begin.

I will tell you I am starting to think and dream of the happy times we had together. I do still go through some sleepless nights of tears and cry out of the blue while driving but they are getting further apart. While I just wanted to smack anyone that said time is what will heal this pain, to a degree they were right. For me I don't think the pain will heal but I am learning how to cope with it and hope you will too.

What also worked for me is a grief group that meets once a week. My sister had to drag me there the first time but now it is my lifeline. She found it through a hospice group and it is free, maybe something like that will help you like it did me. All we do is talk to each other about what we are having a hard time with and others will say what worked for them and if nothing worked, they more often then not felt the same way and for some strange reason just knowing that makes me feel "normal". In the group we can only say what works for us and talk of our experience that is why my letter to you is telling you what worked for me and what I felt like.

My heart breaks for you and I hope you know you are not going crazy this is what grief feels like and for that you may need to get medical help.

Your sister in grief,
Rhondamlr


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