re death of 15 year old son - Grief & Loss Message Board

aussiemum50 · 05-30-2008, 04:09 AM

Why do I feel so much guilt about his death?

I feel completely worthless as a mother despite of all the medicines my psychiatrist has put me on.

I put on a mask for my husband and youngest son so that they feel I'm coping but inside I feel that I'm just half a person.

My husband resents me sometimes going to bed to grief in private and says that I should do more things so that we can be a team. Is he right? But I don't judge him when he wants to grief in his own way up in his shed doing things. Because of what he has said to me I feel like the worse mother alive which makes my griefing so much worse. The grief counseller I spoke to said that everyone griefs in their own way and that we should respect the different ways we grief. But my husband does not believe that should be the case and is constantly on me to stop "acting crazy with grief" which I might add I try to do when my youngest is not around. He has said this so many times that I'm convinced I'm going mad and because of this I'm not really a fit mother anyway!!

Thank you for listening to the worst mother ever!!!

My prayers are with you all.

Phoenix · 05-30-2008, 06:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aussiemum50

Why do I feel so much guilt about his death?

I feel completely worthless as a mother despite of all the medicines my psychiatrist has put me on.

I put on a mask for my husband and youngest son so that they feel I'm coping but inside I feel that I'm just half a person.

My husband resents me sometimes going to bed to grief in private and says that I should do more things so that we can be a team. Is he right? But I don't judge him when he wants to grief in his own way up in his shed doing things. Because of what he has said to me I feel like the worse mother alive which makes my griefing so much worse. The grief counseller I spoke to said that everyone griefs in their own way and that we should respect the different ways we grief. But my husband does not believe that should be the case and is constantly on me to stop "acting crazy with grief" which I might add I try to do when my youngest is not around. He has said this so many times that I'm convinced I'm going mad and because of this I'm not really a fit mother anyway!!

Thank you for listening to the worst mother ever!!!

My prayers are with you all.

Hello aussie,

First of all I am sorry to hear about your son.

Second of all, you are not the worst mother ever, so dispel that from your thoughts.

In reading what your counselor stated, one would have to take into consideration all of you(including your youngest).

Your husband is dealing with grief, probably based upon the way he was raised and you, as the mother, who gave birth to him, are experiencing grief in a maternal way.

Has your husband spoken with a grief counselor?

Have the two of you gone as a couple?

How is your youngest coping?

Please respond, if you feel up to it.

Respecfully,

Phoenix

NVD · 05-30-2008, 12:59 PM

Hi Aussie, As Phoenix stated, you are NOT the worst mom. You're feeling this way obviously because you loved you son...and that alone, is more than some moms do.
I go through this whole guilt thing daily...I think it's natural, and part of the process. We're mothers, it's our nature to protect our kids, and if given the choice, most of us would die or kill to save our kids lives. When our kids, no matter what age, are ripped from our lives, we think that we failed them or didn't do what we could/should/would have done to save them. At least that's my own experience. Our kids were taken by different reasons, but they were both unexpected...and as far as I can see....there was no way we could have known. I think what your feeling is normal for the circumstances your in...and if it's not...well, just know you're not alone with it. This is such a horrible place to be...none of us should be walking this horrible road...but we are. Keep talking if it helps, and try not to be too hard on yourself. There was nothing you could have done...if there was something, your son would still be here. (((hugs)))
Amber