i want my mom back so bad - Grief & Loss Message Board

babydreams · 08-14-2008, 09:48 AM

my mom just got sick in april this year, we were told it was just arthritis until a mri showed there was cancer this was around end of june i started going with her to her appiontments at the cancer clinic and they did so many ct scans, blood work, more mri,s but couldnt find the cancer in july i went thre again with her and the dr said she may not have cancer since they couldnt find it so we left there relieved but puzzled i had a bbq at my place to help get her mind off things and get her out around july 7th she couldnt walk by this time. about 4-5 days later she called me and said she couldnt mover her leg so i took her in to the er where they did the same ct scan and blood work as the cancer clinic and by the next day had the results and called me since they kept her in the er and told me she has cancer and they saw it all through her and that it is terminal they said t me she only has weeks left i still cant believe this, so she was admitted and i was there every day with her from morning till night and watched helplessly as she deteriated in front of me i had my husband bring my 2 year old up every evening to get me for 5 mins a night to spend with her my mom only lived for 2 weeks but even up to the day she passed she knew what was happening and told my daughter im your nanny and i love you very much. my other 2 kids who are older 18 yrs and 23yrs were there every day with me my daughter that is 23 use to lay in the hospital bed beside my mom the last 4 nights before she passed my 2 older kids and me slept there incase something happened and the last night i was there i went home during the day to be with my 2 year old and slpet in the afternoon with her and had the weirdiest dream i was half awake though and i was running and the wind started lowing me up to the sky as i went higher up i could actually feel my chest tightening for real so i woke but then something made me go back into it so i did and same thing happened but i let it and the higher i kept going the tighter the feeling but then i was in the sky and floating and i had the most peaceful feeling ever and then i woke i just knew that my mom was going that night i told everyone she was leaving us tonight i went back to the hospital that evening to be with her and at 2:30 that morning she held my hand and my kids and asked me if she could go now i told her yes but then she asked me do i have to go what do i have to do to stay i didnt know what to say. it broke my heart we all went to bed then we slept on the floor beside her bed in her private room and at 4:30 that morning i heard her panting it woke me so i cheked her and got the nurse i said i have to call my brother to come she said i think she still has a couple days i knew differently so i called him and with in less then 5 mons after i got the nurse i was laying there and realized i didnt hear her panting any more so i checked her again and she was gone i still keep wishing and regretting that i didnt just stand there and hold her hand when i heard her ppanting cause i just knew she was going instead i layed back down and she had to die on her own without me holding her im havig a hard time grieving now for some reason i dont understand is something wrong with me why am i not grieving that much. i miss her terribly and i have the cross from her coffin hanging in my bedroom and her roseary beads she held every day in the hospital on my dresser even the dress i had her in for her viewing is hanging in my bedroom closet i have all her things close to me im eve getting some of her ashes tomorrow being put into this small thing the priest gave my mom before with the holy bread in it im taking the bread out she still had it in there and puting some ashes in it then burying the urn tomorrow in the ground at the cematary

heatherton · 08-31-2008, 06:46 AM

Quote:

at 4:30 that morning i heard her panting it woke me so i cheked her and got the nurse i said i have to call my brother to come she said i think she still has a couple days i knew differently so i called him and with in less then 5 mons after i got the nurse i was laying there and realized i didnt hear her panting any more so i checked her again and she was gone i still keep wishing and regretting that i didnt just stand there and hold her hand when i heard her ppanting cause i just knew she was going instead i layed back down and she had to die on her own without me holding her

This my first post here and first off want to say how sorry I feel for you. My father died just 3 days ago. He had been between nursing home and hospital the last 6 months and he seemed to be in the same stable condition the last few weeks. I visited him 2 or sometimes 3 times a day even though many times he wasn't awake. The last time I saw him was early evening and was sleeping so I just said good night and sleep well. The next morning I get up at 5am for some reason as I usually don't get up til 6:30 or so. 15 minutes later I get a call from the nursing home saying he just passed away. I too wish I could have been there to hold his hand.

Quote:

im havig a hard time grieving now for some reason i dont understand is something wrong with me why am i not grieving that much. i miss her terribly

Please tell me what it is like after 2 weeks. The first 48 hours after for me was episodes of sadness followed by numbness. Just thinking about the little things like most every night when I would be lying on the couch in the basement watching TV he would come down at night to say goodnight and wave his little fingers and show a big smile to me. Today the third day I don't feel so terrable or with so much grief so I too dont understand if something is wrong with me. Being a guy I've never cried much but I have been sheding many tears at times. But I guess even though in the last 2 months I was in denial that he was really never coming home I guess it prepared me in some way as I did have feelings of great sadness during that time. Maybe for me it will come out at the funeral in 4 days. He was in his 80's and I'm 40's and we lived together most all my life except a few years during separation with my mother so too miss him terribly. One of the things I regret is not having married or having kids while he was alive. He didn't have any brothers and sisters and I don't either and he died not knowing if his name will live on.

dtrail · 09-03-2008, 01:10 PM

Baby,
My mom died in January. I cry every day still. I cannot shake it. I am told it eases but my question is when. My mom died suddenly so I never got to be with her or say goodbye. Here one minute, gone the next is what I have a hard time with.

jacritch · 09-09-2008, 04:00 AM

My mom passed away three years ago...my brother passed away 13 years ago and I still cry for them. My mom passed away on my 17 wedding anniversary and the next year my husband left and we were divorced. I miss her she was my best friend. I still find myself needing her, so I go to her stone and sit and talk. I put an angel on her headstone and talk and ask her to guide me. This helps me in dealing. I don't know if I will ever get over it..but I know that she loved me and I loved her very much and that helps me get through. I feel your pain and try to take care of yourself. My therapist told me that there is no time for grief...everyone is different.

Judy