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Old 08-28-2008, 03:24 PM   #1
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kelizbeth HB User
I feel lost and alone

I've never posted on a message board before, but I don't know where else to turn. My Father died in 2001 suddenly from a heart attack, during that time my mother had told all of us sitting around the table that I was always my fathers daughter, my brother was mothers son, she said my brother was always the "good kid". She told me if I wanted anything that was my fathers I would have to ask my brother she had left it all up to him, turned out I could have anything that didnt have a ebay resale value. So I stole what I wanted to keep a memory of my father who i still miss terribly to this day. Well during that time my brother had my mother make up a will since dad didnt have one. I caught a glimpse of it and surprise I wasnt even mentioned, I did say something about that my mom said u know ur brother will be fair. Ok I let it go at that. Well 2002 mom had somekind of stroke, needed surgery, my brother said dont bother coming up theyre in NJ, I in Virginia, she'll need u when she gets out of the hospital.Well she never did get out she went to a nursing home I was told she will never live on her own again and dont bother coming up she doesnt know anyone. Meantime my brother sold all of her things, my Dad had a shed he had just bought before he died so I asked for it since the house was being sold, well he said I can buy it for 500.00 I said I'll make payments to him cause I didnt have the money. Well he emailed me next day saying he discussed it with his wife I can have the shed & to come up the first week in Sept he'll help me take it down. Right before I was coming up he said good news I sold the shed to my wifes cousin for 200.00 nice huh? Well I let it go but decided since my brother was acting like he was so stressed with having to take care of mom and everything up there but never included me in on anything that he can have it. We havent spoken since then. Meantime all I know is mom is in a nursing home and doesnt know anyone. I hear nothing from any family until my moms birthday 2 years later, my aunt calls my work and leaves moms number with them telling them mom would like me to call her, well I did and my mother recognized everyone for years no one told me this. After calling her every week for about two months I felt it was getting too stressful for both of us, seemed I was always calling at wrong times, yankee game was on, her boyfriend was there, he was supposed to call, I was calling 3 minutes late therefore was a rotten careless person, I couldnt handle it so I stopped calling. I called about 6 months after that the lady who answered said she didnt have record of anyone by that name being there. Well, I figured then she had passed away, I was in denial figuring someone wouldve called to tell me if she had, but afraid to check more into it for fear of learning she did. To make an already long story shorter...Mom really passed away the 19th of this month. I was told this by my husband who got a call at his work from his brother who lives in Nj and read it in the newspaper. No one called me. It's been over a week and still no one has called me. Even my husbands relatives who were asing why we hadnt told them, they havent called to see how I am, no cards, nothing. Friends I had before dont even IM or email. There was no funeral, memorial service nothing in the paper, all I know is she was cremated and my brother was getting the ashes. The nurse that was taking care of her said she had been in the same nursing home all along..so why did someone tell me years ago she wasnt there? That she knew everyone up till the day she passed, that my brother and his wife were called Monday that Mom wasnt doing well and they need to get up there, I wasnt called. Now I don't know who to deal with this. I have no family, I have a husband and 3 kids who live with me, my husband has been supportive but feels I should be over it now. My kids are more upset their uncle hasnt contacted us than losing their grandmother they havent seen in years. If I had known all along she recognized people and she was in the same place we couldve visited sometimes. Now I feel guilty I couldve called more and just fought her about me being more important that a yankee game or her boyfriend,, I shouldve visited even if i though she didnt know us. Now its all too late, and I still dont know why no one has called. Why did she feel my brother was always the good kid I never caused any kind of problems, never got in trouble for anything. I guess I'm just full fo all kinds of unanswered questions, guilt for not going to visit or calling more, and omg why doesnt anyone call to see how I am? I feel totally alone in this and have no clue where to turn. Soory this is so long but I feel a little better typing it all down.

 
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Old 08-28-2008, 03:47 PM   #2
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rose4me HB Userrose4me HB User
Re: I feel lost and alone

I am so sorry to hear about all that you are going through. Do you have a place of worship? Many churches have counseling staff that are very comforting and provide insight in many of lifes ups and downs. You do need to talk this out with someone. It is hard sometimes for immediate family to be supportive. I don't think they are being deliberately selfish when they don't understand your grief and sadness, sometimes, they just have no personal point of reference. A similar situation has to happen to them, for them to understand and emphathize with you. I wish it were different, but it isn't.
Life isn't always fair. I won't try to cheer you up until you are ready to be cheered up.
A wonderful proverb states that , Singing songs to a soul that is grieveing is like pouring vinegar on a wound. or Winds and clouds without rain ... Hang in there. I pray that someone comes into your life that can offer support and geniune comfort.
I am so sorry about your Mom.
God Be with you.
Rose

 
Old 08-28-2008, 06:08 PM   #3
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hypatia HB Userhypatia HB User
Re: I feel lost and alone

I too am so sorry for what you've been thru, kelizabeth, and for what you are still going thru. It's very natural and necessary to grieve, but it's not true that you have no family--you have your husband and your children and you need to draw them close and try to let go of the past. Also try to be unselfish and concentrate on their happiness so you don't feel even more guilty in the future.

I know it isn't easy, but time does have a way of easing pain. I like to think those I've lost are looking down on me and know I'm sorry for the pain I caused them and understand.

 
Old 08-30-2008, 02:35 PM   #4
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kelizbeth HB User
Re: I feel lost and alone

I want to thankyou for your posts, it also helps to read that I am not the only one going through this. This message board really helps. Thankfully I work for a great company, they have a crisis hotline I called and they set me up with a counselor. I never thought it would help but tried it. After the first session, I feel like I amybe able to get through this eventually and that all thses feelings I have right now are normal. He recommended an antidepressant for which I need to call my family Dr for a prescription, I havent been able to yet since it's a holiday weekend but I'm thinking of doing it Tuesday. A couple of days ago when I was wondering how was I going to be able to go back to work? Well I feel I can and going to try tomorrow. I have only been with this company 3 months and they are the only ones I really had offer me all kinds of support through this. My question is this...is anyone on any kind of antidepressant? Do they work? Should I call my Dr? I mean sometimes I feel I can handle things and sometimes I crumble? Any pros or cons on antidepressants by someone who has tried them would be really appreciated. Thanks and God Bless everyone as they deal with this awful subject.

 
Old 08-31-2008, 11:33 AM   #5
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hypatia HB Userhypatia HB User
Re: I feel lost and alone

I'm so glad to hear you've been offered help, kelizbeth. I have been wondering how you are coping and you sound so much stronger. Having work to focus on will help, I'm sure. As far as antidepressants, you may find it easier without them; however, if you post on the Depression board above, you will probably get a better response.

You will have your ups and downs, but hang in there. Obviously people around you are concerned for your welfare (and the he** with those who aren't). Best wishes, Patty

 
Old 09-01-2008, 10:43 AM   #6
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kelizbeth HB User
Re: I feel lost and alone

Quote:
Originally Posted by hypatia View Post
I'm so glad to hear you've been offered help, kelizbeth. I have been wondering how you are coping and you sound so much stronger. Having work to focus on will help, I'm sure. As far as antidepressants, you may find it easier without them; however, if you post on the Depression board above, you will probably get a better response.

You will have your ups and downs, but hang in there. Obviously people around you are concerned for your welfare (and the he** with those who aren't). Best wishes, Patty
Thankyou so much! I feel amazing! Just last week I didnt think i could ever get back to normal. I stopped trying to handle all this alone, and thanks to wonderful support from my husband and kids, and my job, FritoLay is a fantastic company to work for, and I have only been with them for three months, they are sooo amazing! I feel so much better, I am back to work, can face people, and you know what, you are sooo right to he** with those who couldnt have the decency to pick up the phone and tell me my mother had passed. And to all who are suffering right now, seek counseling, I never would of believed it but it really does work Oh and this message board helps a lot too :-)Thankyou everyone

 
Old 09-02-2008, 02:19 PM   #7
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rose4me HB Userrose4me HB User
Re: I feel lost and alone

Kelizabeth,
I am so glad that the storm of life hasn't swallowed you up. It is great to read your outlook has brightened. I am so glad that family and others have opened up to you. You certainly need their support right now.
Kuddos for you for being brave enough to be vulnerable and ask for help! You are much stronger than you think.
Rose

 
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