It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Grief & Loss Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 10-03-2008, 03:30 AM   #1
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: London England
Posts: 14
Jayk79 HB User
I miss my dad so much my heart hurts

My dad passed away unexpectedly on the 10th September 2008.. It has been 23 days and most of the time it still feels like its stil the 10th September. My dad was 58, a regluar gym goer and had a medical check up every 6 months. He had a heart attack at home 23 days ago and was on his own, how is this fair.. I am 29 but always felt like my daddies little girl and I will never be able to accept or understand why this has happened. My Grandma passed away in January this year and I thought it was the end of the world as we were extremely close. The only way I could accept that God would take her in this way was by telling myself she was diagnosed with cancer and God did not want her to suffer. She was 76, had a great life and saw her grandchildren grow up.
My Dad was only 58 and will never see me or my sister get married and have children. I have never been religious but always believed that God has his way and a plan for everyone, however I am very angry that he would do this to my family..

Everyone says that time is a great healer but I know this pain will not go away. I miss him so much it makes me sick all the time. I am now scared of things that never bothered me in the past. I am terrified of the dark and have this constant fear that our house is going to burn down. I can't sleep or eat and feel as if I died with him. There seems to be no way forward from this.

 
The following user gives a hug of support to Jayk79:
pam23 (05-25-2011)
Old 10-04-2008, 03:27 AM   #2
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 26
tinkerbell78 HB User
Re: I miss my dad so much my heart hurts

Hi Jay,
I could give you all the cliche' sayings about time healing all wounds and stuff but i wont. i am also 29 yrs old. i lost my dad when i was 15, and honestly it still hurts. at first i felt like i was drowning and because i was a teen i did a lot of stupid things that grieving teens do. but after some time, even though it still hurts i found myself thinking about it less and less. my mom finally remarried and that seemed to bring it all back to the surface again, but i found that i had a new chance to have that all valued male figure in my life. basically hunny, just take it one day at a time, and maybe a going to a group could help you deal with your grief. i still talk it out with my husband when i feel sad and miss my dad, sometimes just having someone listen to you tell them how u feel can be sort of a reset. i wish you all the best and my heart and prayers go out to you.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 10-06-2008, 01:17 AM   #3
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: London England
Posts: 14
Jayk79 HB User
Re: I miss my dad so much my heart hurts

Hi Tinkerbell,

Thanks so much for the message, I am sorry to hear about your dad. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to lose your dad at the age of 15 and totally understand that at such a delicate age its hardly surprising to do things you would not normally have done. I am struggling to keep on the straight and narrow myself at the moment. I am not married and do not have a boyfriend that I can talk to the way I imagine you can talk to your husband. I get angry when people keep saying they know how I feel or what I am going through as how can they possibly understand how bad this feeling is, unless they have lost someone. Nothing seems to make sense anymore. I am not the same person I was before this all happened.

 
Old 10-06-2008, 09:29 AM   #4
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 105
poppy7 HB User
Re: I miss my dad so much my heart hurts

Hi JayK, I won't tell you it gets better in time like I'm sure a lot of people have done at home, but I can honestly tell you that it does get easier. Like you, I lost my grandma and dad within 13 months, I also lost a close auntie during that time and yes it does feel like a nightmare. My grandma also had been dealing with cancer and I had a similar attitude towards God and how I was glad that she wasn't suffering anymore. My dad was just 55 when he died, he'd also had a heart attack a few years previously and he had been diagnosed with asbestosis roughly 6 months before he went.
My dad died just over 2 years ago, he would have been 57 on sept 23rd and I still feel angry that he had to die so young. Like yourself, I was single, no kids when he went and it really upset me to think about just how much he would be missing from our lives.
I'm glad that you felt able to come on here and let other people know just how you're feeling as unfortunately for me, I didn't talk to anyone about stuff and as a result I became very depressed and ill as a result. That was one thing that I'd never like to see happen to anyone else.
There is only me and mum left now in my family and probably cos of this I didn't talk to her as much as I should have, I just didn't want to upset her.... In the end I did speak to a counsellor, which did help a bit, just being able to off load all the crap.... at the time I didn't think it helped much, but on reflection it helped more than I realised. Perhaps this is something that you might consider in time?
It's hard talking to family as you're tied between wanting to talk about how you feel, but you're also aware that you might be upsetting others, but sometimes it actually helps as they might feel the same way but don't know how you might react.
You mentioned about having fears that you never had before, don't worry too much about them, they're natural and will get better eventually. Just feelings are still raw at the moment and I'll bet that you're feeling a lot of things you never even thought about before. It's only when you lose a close relative that it kinda sinks in just how valuable life really is and how much it hurts when they're gone, knowing that nothing can ever replace them. I felt that I wouldn't cope when my dad went, the simple things that he did for me made me realise just how much I depended on him, even now I still get mad with him for leaving me and mum.
I know it's hard to find a way forward, especially this soon after losing him, but I'll bet he wouldn't want you to feel this way, especially finding it hard eating and sleeping. One thing that I did was to write my dad a letter telling him just how much he meant to me and all the other stuff that I'd never get the chance to tell him. This really helped me at the time. Also I planted a small rose on his grave which I often to go check up on, it gives me something positive to focus on when I'm there. I used to be there every few days at first, but now I'm able to go every other week, my chance to go and have some quiet time and think about him.
Anyway I'll quit before this turns into an essay ! I hope my thoughts have helped a bit and maybe given you a few ideas to think about. Please keep talking about your dad though as it will help you accept things in time and don't bottle up your emotions, that never helps.
I'll leave you my love and prayers
Poppy x

 
Old 10-06-2008, 10:51 AM   #5
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: california
Posts: 28
prtypink80 HB User
Re: I miss my dad so much my heart hurts

Hi Jayk I'm sorry for what you have been through and what you are through now. I myself have been through the most horrible four months of my life because my 28 y o husband took his own life. Now I'm a 28 y o widow with no kids. I trully understand all your feelings and emotions. Every day hurts so much just to wake up. I have lost faith in every thing. I haven't had any support from my family or relatives in fact one my cousins had the nerve to post the death on myspace. No one understands just people on here that have known my pain. I'm never going to be the same woman. I've been going to theraphy and it helps to vent. I've been taking anti-depp and sleeping pills but they don't take the pain away and nothing will. I miss my husband so much we had been together since we were 15. Well all I can tell you is that I understand . Continue writing ill be here to read . ((hugs))

 
Old 10-09-2008, 03:25 AM   #6
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: London England
Posts: 14
Jayk79 HB User
Re: I miss my dad so much my heart hurts

Hi Poppy,

I can honestly say I feel your pain and can understand. I can relate to what you are saying about your mum. In front of my mum I have to say everything is going to be alright and keep a brave face, I can't breakdown in front of her as I need to be strong to give her support. I have a therapy session booked for later this month but I am very hesitant that this will make any difference to the way I feel. However unless I go I will never know.

Trying to write dad a letter sounds like a good idea and is something I can do on my own which might help me with how I am feeling. Putting things on paper oftens brings out more emotions. Also this site has helped as there are so many people going through similar emotions and it makes me feel like I am not alone. As much as I am hurting with my own grief my heart really goes out to others on this site who are hurting just as much if no more.

 
Old 10-09-2008, 06:44 AM   #7
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: London England
Posts: 14
Jayk79 HB User
Re: I miss my dad so much my heart hurts

Hi Prtypink80

I cannot express the emotion I feel from reading your message. I will not say I understand what you are going through and can only imagine what the last 4 months have been like for you. Just know that no matter what happens and whether your family are able to support you or not that you are not alone. Whilst it is hard for me to take my own advice I would suggest you take one day at a time and draw on your strengths to help you get through this. I am only on day 29 and am still very angry that this has happened to my family and whilst many people around me are saying I should turn to faith for support I find this makes me even more angry as how could God let this happen. If indeed God has a plan for all of us then maybe we are not being punished but rather being tested. Stay strong.

 
Old 10-10-2008, 04:54 AM   #8
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: US
Posts: 45
greeneyes1 HB User
Re: I miss my dad so much my heart hurts

I lost my dad on August 2nd. I can totally relate to being angry. People tell me that "God will get me through this", but I am angry that God took my dad so suddenly. My mom died two years ago in Feb., and it has taken me this long to even begin to accept her death, so now I feel like I'm starting all over again. People tell me that they are together now, and that I should be happy for them, but I am sad for myself. My dad lived next door to me, and every morning I still look out of my kitchen window, expecting to see his kitchen light on. My dad was my hero. I miss him so much that I actually do feel physical pain in my chest sometimes. I am going to start grief counselling simply because a friend at work who lost her dad said it really helped her get through this horrible time. It's free here in my hometown, and I feel like I have nothing to lose. It's group meetings, so maybe I'll learn something from people who are going through loss of someone they love. Maybe you could try this too. Meanwhile, my heart goes out to each of you who has lost someone. This is the worst pain I've ever felt, and not a minute of the day goes by without me missing my sweet dad. I will suggest grief counselling to you because I feel like we have nothing to lose and will be with people who are experiencing the same feelings we are. There is help out there, and it has made a huge difference in my friend. I hope you will consider something like this too. Love to you, from someone who totally understands.

 
Old 10-10-2008, 06:12 AM   #9
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: London England
Posts: 14
Jayk79 HB User
Re: I miss my dad so much my heart hurts

Hi Greeneyes,

At the moment the only thing that is getting me through this nightmare is being strong for my mum and sharing my pain with the people on this site. Whilst reading messages such as yours breaks my heart I feel some small comfort that this is not just happening to me. I agree that the counselling may help and have an appointment for later this month. I think for me the hardest thing is that my life is not the same anymore and all my priorities have changed and I need to take on new responsibilies many of which require a clear mind, which I don't have at the moment. I feel like the last month has changed me as a person and I am someone else now and i need to understand the new me. My thoughts are with you and everyone else on this site who has lost someone.

 
Old 10-10-2008, 10:52 PM   #10
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2
mkz9208 HB User
Re: I miss my dad so much my heart hurts

Hi Jay. I lost my dad September 3rd. He would have been 62 on September 8th. I was there when he died. He was diagnosed with cancer just 2 months before he died. I am still in shock and my heart is breaking. I have an 8-month-old daughter, so I just focus on her. But, I can't sleep at night. I don't even know what to say. Anyway, I am so sorry for your loss and I definately know how you feel. I am glad to have found this board.

 
Old 10-15-2008, 05:43 AM   #11
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: US
Posts: 45
greeneyes1 HB User
Re: I miss my dad so much my heart hurts

Dear Jay...When reading your response, you made me recognize that I'm a different person also. I look at life differently now. I guess I realize how short life really is, and how much I've taken for granted. I think, even though I feel like my heart is breaking every day, that I've gained a little strength in other areas. I appreciate my family more, I treat the people I love differently, because I know that I may lose them one day, and I don't want to have any regrets. I think this can be a changing point for us. A lesson to all of us that we should let everyone we care about know just how much we do care. Has anyone ever heard the song "Live Like You Were Dying"? It has really opened my eyes since my dad died. It also makes me realize that I should love myself a little more....something that I don't always do, and I think we are all guilty of that. I hope you treat yourself with kindness and love, because you need that right now. Do whatever it takes (within reason) to get through each day. And keep your friends and family close. That is what is getting me through each day. If you look around, really look, you will find that you have a lot of reasons to go on living, and a lot of people who care about you. And knowing I'm not alone is one of the greatest helps of all. That is why I came to this board, and why I'm connecting with others who are going through the same thing I am. My thoughts are with you, my friends on this board. We can all get through this together. I am really greatful to all of you here, and you have helped me feel less alone. Take care, Jay, and everyone else who has lost someone they love. Even though the hurt is so raw right now, I just have a feeling that we will all be ok. Love to each of you.

 
Old 10-16-2008, 08:35 AM   #12
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2
mkz9208 HB User
Re: I miss my dad so much my heart hurts

We played the song "Live Like You Were Dying" at my dad's funeral as part of a slideshow tribute. It is a beautiful song. I am sorry for your loss, greeneyes. I wish I could write more about how I am feeling - I am just so lost I can't even start the words. Some illogical place in my heart tells me he is not really gone. I guess I'm still in the denial stage.

 
Old 10-21-2008, 07:48 AM   #13
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Cornwall
Posts: 10
sylvlock26 HB User
Re: I miss my dad so much my heart hurts

i lost my father 3 years ago, like you my heart hurt so much. believed it would never go. my tears felt like acid and pain ripped through me when i cried. i still now miss him everyday and go over and over 'why' just cant understand as my dad was only 51. for weeks i slept with the light on as i feared the dark and become very insecure about the world.

im in therapy now and for the first ever i let my emotions out and cried in front of someone other than my bf. the relief was massive. time, talking, patience and letting out your emotions is what it takes. time does heal but needs those things also, it is ok to cry and show your emotions cant express that enough. i do still miss so much and little things set off but i am getting there.

best wishs sylv xxx

 
Old 10-24-2008, 06:53 AM   #14
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: London England
Posts: 14
Jayk79 HB User
Re: I miss my dad so much my heart hurts

Hi Sylv,

Thanks for much for the message, I am very sorry to hear about your dad. What you describe pretty much sums up how I feel all the time. There is like this stabbing pain in my heart, the minute the sun sets everything seems a whole lot worse. Not just the fact that I have lost my hero but also all the other things I am stuggling with seem to escalate.

I can't cry infront of my mum as she needs me to be strong and have no boyfriend. There is a guy but I am too scared to get close to him now and therefore avoid him all the time and can't even look him in the eye anymore. I start therapy next week and although I am looking forward to it I just don't think it will help. I am so tired of crying all the time, at home until I fall asleep, everytime I look at his photo in my purse, sitting at my desk at work, in the toilets at work, in the car driving home. Just so so tired.

 
Old 10-24-2008, 08:35 AM   #15
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: new jersey
Posts: 2
alieds HB User
Re: I miss my dad so much my heart hurts

Jayk, I am 31, and I lost my father to a sudden, unexpected heart attack when I was 17. Like others, I allowed myself the downward spiral at that age. It made a few years go by without feeling the real agony of my loss. Then it hit me and until last year, I thought it would be the most difficult thing I had or would ever go through. Then, this week, last year, out of nowhere, my 55 year old mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. She died January 17, 2008. I am an adult now, have a child of my own and there is no escaping the agony now. Every morning, I wake up and think of her last days and before I sleep(when I sleep) it is the last thing I think about. The pain somedays is wrenching, I feel as if my entire body will collapse in on itself. I think about how I felt standing there as she took her last breath and I wonder what else I should have said. I remember how once she had passed, I just sat there as though my spirit and life had gone with her. These are things I will never forget, things no amount of therapy or time will fade. Everyday, I notice the little things she had done all my life that no longer happen. My entire life will never be "normal" ever again. I don't have great recollection of the couple months immediately following her death. It is a blur. It has been nearly a year now. I want to tell you honestly, that for me, the pain has not lessened. However, in the next few months, the haze will lift slightly and you will see that life really is going on , with or without you. There will be more moments of happiness. There will be more fond memories returning to you, you will not always only think of the end, of your guilt of your words. There will still be those days now and again when you feel like you can't go on with it, but they will become less frequent. For me, I can SOMETIMES take solice in believing that I will see my parents again, my faith has helped. Even that becomes a question when these things happen. I spent the first couple months wishing for a sign that they were really around me still. You are tired. I can understand. You will get stronger, I promise. Just hold on, keep holding on, time will not heal you, but it will make it so that eventually, you can face the day. I smile now. I have fun now. I can wrap my head around things I need to do. I can take care of my family again. It will come for you too. kepp holding on, you will get through. I am sorry for your loss and sending hugs and prayers.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Ectopic heart beats/ Superventricular Tachycardia cyclequeen31 Menopause 19 06-18-2010 05:37 AM
Miss my Mom so bad stormygirl Grief & Loss 46 09-09-2008 09:39 PM
empty hole/unhappy/miss talking to my Mom. . . . mmmcoffee Grief & Loss 24 07-21-2008 11:55 AM
I miss him... Mary83 Relationship Health 6 12-05-2007 08:11 PM
i miss my dad i love u dad violaa Death & Dying 8 05-22-2007 01:51 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Ivorygirl (13), rosequartz (11), slenderella (8), JJ (4), writeleft (4), Charlyssa (3), jesseca (3), caringsister54 (3), Kali333 (2), joybob (2)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1013), Apollo123 (909), Titchou (856), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (763), ladybud (755), midwest1 (670), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:08 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!