Re: I am lost and in the most unbearable pain i could have never imagined
See a therapist. Really, it helps. Also, there are bereavement groups where you can interact with people who are feeling the same way.
I didn't lose a partner. I lost my mom and even though I knew it was inevitable (she had cancer), I feel deep sadness knowing I will never hug her or see her beautiful eyes or hear her sing to my cat or talk in Spanish to her childhood friends or giggle about something silly. There is just no escaping grief.