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Old 12-31-2008, 04:26 PM   #1
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Still Grieving

My Beautiful Wife of 15 years, died 15 weeks ago tomorrow (1/1/09) She was barely 40 years old, and was diagnosed with terminal cancer the day I received news of "good" scans for my own cancer. She lived for a year and 4 days after her diagnosis. Her last month in this world was hell. We had good closure, and I'm doing my best to honor her wishes and take care of myself, but the grief, especially now, at the New Year, just doesn't seem to resolve at all. I'm on all kinds of anti-depressants, have a good support system, etc, but I miss Her so, so much that I really don't want to be in a world that She is not in. I promised Her I would not take my own life, and am keeping the promise, but my nightly prayer is that I won't wake up in this world, but in the next. I'm in my early 50's and just feel like laying down my burden. I've got a huge case of survivor's guilt, and can't seem to break out of the depression I'm in, and based on how Her treatment went, I will not seek further scans or treatment for my cancer should it come back. Not sure what good this post will do, but at least I've voiced my issues. I miss Her so badly, I'd give all I have for just 30 seconds (or less) of Her companionship. Where do I go with this? How does one proceed in a life they do not cherish?

Also, I've a ton of anger...mostly at Her doctors. They took away any quality of life with the pursuit of 4 (FOUR!) lines of chemo over 10 (TEN!) months. She never complained, hardly cried at all (twice? three times maybe?) and worked at Her job nearly up to Her final month...and at the end, her oncologist wouldn't tell Her She was dying. I quote him; "I was hoping YOU (me, Her husband) would tell her". I think that is obscene, infamous, morally reprehensible, nearly unforgivable. It's a good thing I've got a reasonable amount of self control, or I'd have been tempted, as the "gangsta's" say, to have "capped" him. If they (the doctors) hadn't been so involved with playing "who can keep Her alive the longest, regardless of obvious distress" perhaps Her last month wouldn't have been such a hell on earth. Thank God for Hospice...my Girl died in her (our) own bed, in the house she loved, with our Cat nearby to comfort Her. In my experience, the doctors make the mess, and Hospice does it's best to clean up after them.

Oh well, Happy New Year To Y'all, It's time for my meds, then sleep, and if I'm lucky, I'll dream of my Beloved. If I'm REALLY lucky, I won't wake up here, but THERE, with My Girl, The Love of my Life, my Sun-And-Stars, My Wife, my Love...If anyone out there in HealthBoard internet-land has any insights, please tell me, will I ever approach feeling like living my life again? I'm convinced there is a Heaven, as this world just continues to be hell.

Last edited by PSM; 12-31-2008 at 05:47 PM. Reason: additional thoughts

 
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Old 12-31-2008, 10:18 PM   #2
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Re: Still Grieving

Hi... I am very sorry about the loss of your beloved wife. You know that she is in a much better place now. Your sense of loss is so deep even after 15 years and that shows just how much you loved her. Like you, I also a lot of times just wish to not wake up any more. I am really starting to believe that this time we have on earth is our "Hell".

Just this past July I lost my Mom to lung cancer and her time after diagnosis was like a roller coaster ride. However, the last month was pure hell as she could no longer eat and starved to death because of the cancer. She lived with me and my family and I was her sole caregiver. This is what brought me to this board this evening. I am missing her terribly right now and am very, very sad.

I pray for both of us this evening that when we wake up tomorrow we will be feeling a little better. I do wish you a happier new year.

 
Old 12-31-2008, 11:11 PM   #3
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Re: Still Grieving

Dear SherryAnne,
Thank You very much for your kind good wishes. It made a difference just to know that someone, somewhere, cared enough to respond to my post. This may indeed be the Judeo-Christian hell that we've all heard of of, but people who reach out and comfort strangers are the Angels that make this particular aspect of hell bearable. I am sorry for your loss as well as mine. If it is any comfort to you, please know that My Wife died with full confidence that She was looking into Paradise, and She said it was PERFECT! My Girl never told a lie...and I believe Her. Your Mom is in Paradise also. I hope and pray that this New Year brings comfort to all who grieve...that you, me, the guy down the street, everyone who feels lost and alone, will be able to attain a little bit of healing, a little bit of Grace. Every little bit helps. Every thing counts in large amounts. Again, I wish you peace, comfort and hope in the coming year. Sincere Thanks, and God Bless...
PSM

 
Old 01-01-2009, 12:14 AM   #4
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Re: Still Grieving

Like the poster before me, I , too, was drawn to these boards tonight. Maybe the last day of the year opens the Pandora's Box and I think back of how bad this year went. It was July 18, and my wife went similarly like yours, PSM. But with a different twist, she didn't tell me of any of her illnesses, mainly terminal, that she had. She sheltered me away of having to worry. And the simple things of wanting to see the July 4th fireworks, I brushed off saying how tired I was and not knowing at the time regretfully that there was an urgency for her to do and see things for the last time. And these things haunt me. It also haunts me that she knew last Christmas and on my birthday it was going to be her last. And she went overboard with buying presents for me. It Christmas Eve she begged me to watch "Love Story" with her. And at first I said no. And later as I reflect, I thank for the grace of God that he made me watch the movie. We both ended up crying . In the movie, I look back, it was like watching our own life story unfold.She came from wealthy parents, and was alienated from her family. And we could never could have children.And "Jenny" is hospitalized with a terminal illness in the end. A few days later she watched it a second time, as intently and sadden as the first time. As the months went by I noticed how she was sleeping a lot. And it didn't set off any warning signals because we still had some continuity in our life, yet regretfully now as I remember our outings to the movies, restaurants and beaches were waning and this should have set off a warning. But as I wrote in my prior posts I was oblivious. And, I too, had the nine signs of depression as she did. And as I reflect I really wasn't myself in the last year of her life.

PSM, I express my condolences to you on the loss of your wife. But the greater good I see myself, and I can sense this in you, is to come forth on these boards, leaving all inhibitions and vanities aside, and helping others cope with their losses. In detail I write in all my posts all my thoughts on my loss of my wife. And my hope in doing so that it might help others cope with their grieving. Yes the Holidays are hard. And everytime I see someone in a wheelchair, especially a young women, it reminds me of her, and tugs at my heart. But for the greater good, I pray for Lord's guidance that my passage on this Earth for whatever remaining days there is has some sense to it.

 
Old 01-01-2009, 02:04 AM   #5
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Re: Still Grieving

Thanks for your response to my Grieving post. I just forwarded a moderately edited version to my Wife's oncologist. I can't seem to get to sleep this evening, regardless of how many xanax-benadryl cocktails I ingest. Perhaps he won't be able to sleep on the night of the day he receives the forward. Good! The practioners isolate themselves when treatment fails, but trip all over each other slapping each other's backs when it appears to succeed. I know, and knew, that My Girl was dying, from the day of her diagnosis. What really angers me is the the rarified attitude that these bloody-handed hippocratic (hypocritic?) business-man doctors project. I am not the sharpest tool in the shed, but nor am I an ignorant man. The practice of doctors using two-dollar words to confuse issues is sinful. I know what the term "algorithm" means...did the practitioner seed his presentation with that and other such lofty terms to try and confound us at an intellectual level? If so, it didn't work, and if not for the restraining Grace of My Girl, I'd have choked the little weasel unconscious for his condescending arrogance. The other issue I've issues with is quality of life. Yeah, my Love probably would have lived as long as She did, maybe a bit more, maybe less, but to throw 2 more lines of chemo after the first 2 didn't work is criminal. It robbed Her of any remaining vitality, broke Her immune system down so travel was impossible, and broke my heart in the process of watching Her being chipped away at, day by day. If they'd have stopped at the second line, said "sorry, this doesn't seem to be helping, perhaps you'd like to consider alternative treatment here in the US, or perhaps Canada, Germany, Japan, etc...at least She would not have been so damnably sick at the end, and we could have had a bit of time and travel together

Last edited by PSM; 01-01-2009 at 04:49 PM. Reason: spelling

 
Old 01-01-2009, 02:15 AM   #6
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Re: Still Grieving

Oh, and one last thought...the problem is not only with the diseases. The medical business needs to stop being a business. Live or die, they bill away, knowing that they will get paid. If my car breaks down after a repair, I get my money refunded, same deal with my plumber...why should doctors be any different? I've read that in China, up to the modern 20th century, doctors were put on a retainer fee salary, to keep you healthy. If you became sick, they had to forfeit their fee retroactively...not a bad idea...now if it wasn't for all those lobbyists...

 
Old 01-01-2009, 01:22 PM   #7
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Re: Still Grieving

To: Daria Is Loved:
Sir,
You commented on my post last evening. I do understand your pain, as much as one individual can understand another's feelings. When My Girl got really-really bad news, back in February '08 (up to that point we had a bit of hope She'd pull throught it) I spoke with a very wise gentleman. And while he had no cure up his sleeves, for either my Love or myself, he did share these thoughts with me, and I did find them helpful. These are not empty platitudes, but a bit of Buddhist philosophy, a bit of Judeo-Christian philosophy, tempered with a large helping of common sense. I hope and pray that you can find a bit of solace, and forgiveness for yourself...your posts speak of a greater survivor's guilt issue than I have, and I thought I was the king of survivor's guilt.
Here goes: 1) Obviously, your heart is broken. A broken heart, fortunately, or unfortunately, is an OPEN heart. The world needs more people with open hearts to help others along in life. The only true way to an open heart is the breaking of it. Yours Is broken, but it is now open to positive possibilities that will allow you to, when the time comes, shepherd yourself and those around you toward the "real" existence...Where Your Daria is, Where my Mary Kate is. 2) It is a sure, hard, fact that all relationships come to an end. Period. Either through lack of love, loss from death, unfaithfulness, need for independance, etc...all relationships have a beginning, and an end. 3) We are, all of us, You, Me, My Girl, Your Girl, SherryAnne, indeed, everyone who posts on this board, has an email address, or phone number, or draws breath, in one BIG relationship, in that we are all in the same boat, and ALL subject to the two preceeding constants. 4) That boat is about as stable as a bubble in a flowing stream...It floats along for a while, then maybe hits a rock and pops, or a fish breathes it in. But, it is all the same, unstable, and subject to dissolution. This has been true throughout all of history, kingdoms have been gained and lost due to the random action of reality, our loved ones are gained and lost through the same random action, and so on. 5) Everyone who feels grief wants to allay it it some way. Every treatment for grief is a form of medication. Some folks smoke tobacco, or pot, or, God forbid, shoot dope, or whatever. Some people, most, if not all, cry. There is no shame in tears. Cry when and if you want to, as much as you want to. There are no "tough guys" when it comes to grieving. My friend, these constants are all I know that I can share with you. It appears from your posts that YOU DID YOUR BEST!!! YOUR BEST...To help your Beloved in Her time of need. You did all you could with what you were given. You played the cards you were dealt AS BEST YOU COULD. No one can do any more than that. Your Daria knows you did all you could, and SHE WANTS YOU TO SURVIVE AS BEST YOU CAN, to live with the same love for life and humanity that your posts speak of HER having! You are a Man among men, and I, as much as is possible, know and share your pain through the hellish experiences of my last year. My cancer...? Who cares? Your, and others pain? I care. Many others care. Tell your story, keep a journal, talk to Your Girl...She hears you, look for signs and wonders that She may put right in front of you so YOU KNOW that She is in a better place. They are there. And Your Beloved is still with you, in your heart, your open heart. No one can remove or separate you two, as long as She is there. I wish you Peace in this coming year, Peace inside You and all around You.
PSM
PS: Here is a bit of a quote from the apocryphal "Gospel Of Peter", it was the last little bit on My Wife's wake/visitation card. I read it when I'm really low, or really up, and find that it suits well; "Care for the needy, comfort the distressed, befriend the rejected. Do these things and The Lord will be pleased. In ending Life, we find Life. Loving is to be Loved.

Last edited by PSM; 01-01-2009 at 07:51 PM. Reason: Spelling

 
Old 01-02-2009, 07:58 PM   #8
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Unhappy Re: Still Grieving

i can relate to still grieving my father was in his 30's when he had his first heart attack i was 6 and that was real scary i din't know then that it would be a long grieving process of in and out of the hospital and when i was 8 he got a heart transplant that would give us some hope but in late 2005 the man that i always saw him as tall and strong would become to fade he finally sadly told me and my siblings he was tired and he wanted the pain to stop in him and he was trying to let us all not see him in pain and he didn't want to see his family in pain either. he got to see a few good miracles in his last year of life my niece was born also was my nephew and gladly my daighter he got to hold my daughter when she was only 6 dyas oldsadly my father passed away a day after my daughter turned a month old jan 12th of this year he is going to be gone 2 years and it still feels like yesterday but i have to go on that is what my father would of wanted me to do.

 
Old 01-03-2009, 08:47 AM   #9
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Re: Still Grieving

Tiny98,
I quote you..."i have to go on". It's all anyone of us can do. It's taking me a long time to absorb that, and I'm still not there and comfortable with it but again: i have to go on.
Anthing else would be a slap in the face to those we love. My friend, who lost her brother a while back told me; "Time does not heal grief, but it does blunt the edges" I'll settle for blunt edges. I wish You Peace and comfort on your life's journey. PSM

Last edited by PSM; 01-03-2009 at 08:48 AM.

 
Old 01-04-2009, 05:53 PM   #10
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Re: Still Grieving

I liked what you said about a broken heart is an open heart. And that all relationships do end however it might be. My heart is still so broken over losing my husband and best friend that knowing that I might help others is sort of a comfort. I just can't believe it happened at all and with no warning. Shock and grief together is a heavy burden. It feels weird not having him next to me all the time. I have to relearn a life without him and that is hard.

 
Old 02-02-2009, 07:11 PM   #11
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Re: Still Grieving

Quote:
Originally Posted by PSM View Post
Oh, and one last thought...the problem is not only with the diseases. The medical business needs to stop being a business. Live or die, they bill away, knowing that they will get paid. If my car breaks down after a repair, I get my money refunded, same deal with my plumber...why should doctors be any different? I've read that in China, up to the modern 20th century, doctors were put on a retainer fee salary, to keep you healthy. If you became sick, they had to forfeit their fee retroactively...not a bad idea...now if it wasn't for all those lobbyists...
hey psm,. how are you doing??????????????????????// been awhile since Iv heard from you. I care disney world, faye

 
Old 02-03-2009, 10:06 AM   #12
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Re: Still Grieving

Hi Disney,
I'm as good as can be expected...you know the deal. In and out, from sad, to screamingly sad. I miss my Mary Kate so much, and realize now how much I took Her for granted. I just do my best to keep on keeping on, and pray for the day, if I'm good enough, that I can be with Her in The Peaceful Place. I've got responsibilities here, to take care of Her family and estate, and hope that soon I can get things set up so they cut me loose with a small allowance, then I can run away and join the circus, or
get a gig playing lounge music in some second rate caribbean resort (I'm a musician by trade). But you know, life without the ones we love is like a good meal without any salt or spice. I hope you are doing well, and all went good with your lawyer. Try your best to be in very unfamiliar surroundings during valentines day...I'm thinking it will hurt less that way. Best, Kind Regards, PSM

 
Old 02-03-2009, 05:45 PM   #13
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Re: Still Grieving

Oh my PSM,

You have a great way of writing and I look forward to your posts. I'm sorry that its the subject that it is. Yes, you do have responsibilities. How I wish that we didn't.

In my case, I'm not truly saddled by my two college-age children because I always told them that I gave them life, I just didn't give them mine. I'm not expecting them to give up theirs because they loss their Dad and their mother has turned into some other grievemamal. They're happy that I found someone who fills my time so they don't fill they need to stay home and be company for me. That's fine because that's what their life is suppose to be.

Carefree and without much worry. They should leave the worrying to me, unfortunately lately worrying has caused health related issues that is too close to what took my husband's life that it scares me. Doctor said, 'yes you shoudl be concerned but its not something that can't be changed or delayed with lifestyle change. But I haven't shared with my kids just how scared I am.

Then its Mom just put in a nursing home (last 5 days) and having Sister who seems to have lived in a root cellar somewhere and didn't realize that life passed by. She doesn't adapt well to change and wants everything to stay the way it is -- wouldn't we all. I shared with her that she needs to call phone company and cell phone company and find out what calling plans suit her better because she is spending wayyyyyyy tooooo much money on those bills and she's just one person!

Even though I don't think I'm responsible for her or her life, it doesn't mean that it doesn't creep into the back of my mind an play havoc with my nerves. I worry about how she'll live not having worked in 8 years while she took care of my mother, etc. She's not old enough for social security but yet she's so naive about life in general that its scary. During an interview she's liable to come across as someone not with it and that's not the case. She just likes to have people tell her what to do and she does it and does it well but most companies have done away with clerical help or administrative help and they have created jobs where you need to look around you, see what needs to be done and do it or work up the plan to get it accomplished.
I'm not sure she'll be able to land a job that will give her what she'll need to live on. and I'm unable to help in anyway.

PSM, I started to compliment you and went off on a tangent. For that I'm sorry. You should look into writing. Even a first-hand account of your loss. Journaling has helped me in many ways.

Take Care, glad Disney reached out and you responded Hang in there.

CaringSister54

 
Old 02-04-2009, 02:02 PM   #14
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Re: Still Grieving

hey psm, so glad to hear from you. can I join the circus with you. I know what you mean about Valintines Day. it would have been my 40th annnivarsary. and Feb 18 will be my B-day. so im going to try to be very buse. hey I got through thanksgiving, Christimas, New Years and I will this. just with alot of tears and blosing my nose. hahah. caring again take care of your situation. sometimes we will put things on the back burner and fell to do what we should. mom is been taken care of now in NH and sister sounds like she has some adjusting to do. and you stay intouch with doctors. I understood you weigh 88 lbs. dont look like you can afford to lose anymore. take care disney world, faye

 
Old 02-05-2009, 07:00 AM   #15
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Re: Still Grieving

disney
oops you either read post wrong or I wrote it wrong. When I weighed 88 lbs, I was 28 years old. I never was one to gain any weight until gall bladder got taken out in 1985 after the birth of my son.

Now I'm well past that by a number of pounds. he wants me down to 130-135 which isn't that far off from where I am but it is harder to get there.

I know I need to exercise. Right now, I'm so overstressed, I lost my appetite so that is helping. But it also has me skipping meals which is never a good thing.

Take Care.

 
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