My common law husband of 25 years just found out that his 32 year old daughter passed away on December 31 2008. Don't know what she died of yet, she was found sitting at her computer.
At first he was told that he could not attend the funeral or even go see her at the funeral home. Then he was told that he could go see his daughter after viewing hours. Now this morning he was told that he could attend at any time he wants.
He is extremely confused & wonders what he should do.
Their relationship (daughter & father) was:
First 5 years he was with the family but the mother put father unknown on birth certificate.
Next 7 years he was not allowed to see her because mother had a new boyfriend & it created problems for her.
After 7 years the mother took boyfriend to court for child support.
AT 11 daughter asked to see her dad, after a few months of visiting with us on a regular basis, the mother started demanding money & specific gifts & would not provide receipts.
When the daughter turned 16, my husband told them that he would give cheques to daughter only, he was told he could no longer see her.
When daughter turned 21 we received notifications from her lawyer that we were being brought to court for retroactive child support. Of course we hired our own lawyer & nothing ever went further.
At 28 she asked to see her dad & explained that children's aid were the ones forcing her to attempt child support because she wanted to go to college & they would not pay. Obviously they did pay at the end. By then I no longer wanted a relationship with her so I told my husband that he could visit with her whenever they wanted but not on my property because I resented the daughter & mother for all the threats against my wages during the years.
He still cared for her but did not make many attempts to contact her (this was his choice).
Now he feels guilty for not continuing his relationship with his daughter.
He is also unsure if he has the right to be at the viewing and funeral.
first of all im sorry for his loss.Honestly i think he should go he will spend the rest of his life regretting it. I have not had a good relationship with my father who drank all the money he made & then beat my mam & us when it got to much he walked out on my mother when i was 4, he walked out & left 6 kids ! that was in the 80's when the country was in recession. I taught id never forgive him but im slowley learning to. No matter what he has done over the years im sure she has forgiven him now & of course she'd want him there after all he was her father. I hope this help you.
there's going to the funeral and paying respect and going and acting like he has the right to sit in the front and act as the host receiving the condolences.
He should go, respect the rest of the family by not intruding. Say a prayer of forgiveness to his daughter and let it go.
We wish we could go back and undo some things but alas its not capable.
We just have to go on but I agree he needs to go so that there's no regrets. he can also write his feelings of what transpired over the years, vent it out, and then BURN THE LETTER it will make him feel better.
Thank you angeluzziel & caringsister54. My husband took both your advice. Almost all people that showed up at the funeral home were shocked that her body was not there. She was cremated on Jan 2 2009 & the obituary did not mention it.
Angeluzziel, you were the first one to reply & I told my husband that his daughter was talking to him through you, her name was Angela.
Caringsister54, he did sit in the background as suggested by you & a lot of people did offer him their condolences which helped a lot.
I also suggested to my husband that he should thank his ex for allowing him to be there.
Pitty that the ex started putting a guilt trip on him by telling him that he had abandoned his daughter & never provided for her & did not make any effort to see her.
I told him to try to forget what she said because she is in pain & her emotions are taking over & she does not realize that she had a lot to do with him not seing his daughter. Give her time, then go talk to her.
Again thank you both.
Please tell him NOT to approach his EX anymore. Its done and over with.
She will always take pock shots at him and he doesn't deserve it going forward. he was married to her, it didn't work, that's it.
He had a daughter with her. He never changed his phone number nor address and she knew where he was if she wanted to reach out to him. He couldn't have done more.
He deserves peace. he deserves to focus and concentrate on your lives together. he needs to receive unconditional love from you. Hold him, love him and care for him. Know he'll grieve. Allow him to talk about his loss.
Do not bother to approach the EX anymore. BUT now that he did go, don't be surprised if she doesn't come to him for 1/2 the funeral costs. Tell him to pony up 1/2 the cost if she does. Don't give her the satisfaction of suing him for the amount. He may feel that she planned it and didn't ask his advice. Tell him to 'let it go'.
Love one another as it was apparent you do. and YOU are to be commended for being supportive to him and helping him and not making it that going to that funeral or dealing with the EX was a slap in the face to you and your lives. YOU are one terrific lady.