caringsister54

Dear Showe005.

I will tell you what I miss as a widow .

I miss knowing who I was, what my purpose in life was and having a life!!!

I swear -- even though God and Mikey sent me Joe to help me get through each day, there isn't a heartbeat that I'm not thinking of my Mikey.

I am cheated. We had so many plans, so many dreams. the rubbing two nickels together to try to get it to bleed $1.00. How many set backs, how many times did we struggle. Things were suppose to get easier. Life was suppose to be better and then the phone call! The phone call that said there's strange things occurring with the blood tests and we have to see another doctor. And then that phone call! that said, you will need a kidney transplant within 5 years and there's a 10 year wait so get on the list. And then the denial for getting on the list because he just wasn't sick enough. And the battle between family doctor who kept telling me he's going to have a heart attack if he's not treated better and a kidney doctor who kept pacifying husband and both of them not rushing to be put on dialysis and then what happened???? The heart attack in my living room, 2 1/2 hours after being released from the hospital from having a minor heart attack!

And my life as I know it, or knew it, is over. And even with this wonderful gift of a serene, kind, caring, loving boyfriend, I hate having separate lives. Dating at 50+ with kids involved on both sides, causes me pain because everyday I'm in a living hell -- a limbo. I don't belong to my Mikey anymore and I can't belong to my Joe yet.

Can I say life stinks? maybe but it certainly has changed. I lost my purpose for being. I'm waiting for God to tell me what I'm suppose to do now.

God? Are you home? Are you listening?