Itís been 11 days since my baby died. I was 6 1/2 months pregnant. My little Ryan had been extremely active ever since I first started feeling him move...but there were days when he wouldn't move around 22 or 23 weeks and I was told that was normal. So Monday when I didn't feel him move after mid morning right at 26 weeks I was concerned but was told sometimes they just donít move all the time. The following day I felt nothing and took myself into Labor and Delivery. Upon getting checked in they found his heartbeat, a strong 120...however I remember the Doctor saying she'd prefer to see more "variation"....I guess it would have been better if it was moving around more. The doctor had a full ultrasound done and in the 45 minutes the ultrasound tech was doing it he didn't see my baby move once...not a finger or a toe or even the appearance of his chest going up and down - and yet his heart continued to beat. A few hours later though his heartbeat gradually began to go down...115, 110, and eventually they thought that his heartbeat was very close to mine, which was in the low 90's. They immediately took me in for an emergency c-section when it dipped that low. (The baby's father believes they had lost his heartbeat for a while, I donít know what to believe). The c-section was over within 10-15 minutes and my baby was stillborn. They tried to recessitate him but there was no chance of bringing him back. All my original blood tests came back normal and in the mean time I am waiting on a full panel of test results including placenta and cord testing as well as an autopsy. One thing that I was told was that I have a heart shaped uterus, but according to my doctor it isn't a very bad one and it wouldn't have been the cause of what happened and it shouldn't have any effect on future pregnancies...but it scares me. After the c-section, I was in the hospital for 3 and a half days, during which I got to spend as much time with my son as I wanted. At first I thought this was a crazy idea but those precious moments I got with him in those days are all I will ever get to hold on to. Plus, we got the opportunity to get some pictures which we may never look at or maybe we'll cling to them - who knows? The hospital was great, they helped us get foot prints and even called someone in to make molds of my baby boyís feet...they also made us a birth certificate, since technically we donít get one since he never took a breath.
I didn't cry until the night I got home from the hospital. It hit me in a wave...I had just left my baby all alone to be stored in a freezing cold morgue until someone could cut him open to perform an autopsy. It took everything inside of me to not get into the car (which since having had a c-section and being heavily drugged would have been a tremendously bad thing to do) and drive to the hospital to see him again. In the days since then I've been trying to stay as busy as I possibly can (reading books on grieving...creating a website in memorial to my baby boy, etc), which isn't very much seeing as I'm supposed to be resting for the next few weeks. But if I stop for two seconds I have a panic attack. I miss my baby. Yesterday there was a memorial.......but yesterday was supposed to be the day I got my 3D ultrasound pictures. I'm not supposed to be grieving the loss of a son I never got to know. I'm not supposed to be worrying about no one remembering him but me. Or people belittling my loss because I never got to be "attached" to my child. No one can "remember" him...except for me and Joe (Ryan's farther). And really all Joe can remember was the Ryan we got to spend time with at the hospital, and thatís not the Ryan I think of. Itís weird and hard to explain to anyone else except to say that when you have someone growing inside you, you feel like you already know them. I knew what time of day Ryan kicked the most, I knew that he liked to be on the left side of my tummy and I knew that if I put headphones on my tummy and put a certain track of a classical CD I have on he'd start to kick like crazy. So even though I didn't know the color of his eyes or the sound of his laugh...I knew a different baby than the one they gave to me. Itís still hard for me to admit that that was my baby. In the hospital I held him as much as I could bare to...but I never told him I loved him, now I wish I did...and I never kissed him, now I wish I did. I felt like I was holding a doll...I felt like I was going to wake up and it would be some horrible nightmare. Iím sure where ever my baby is he knows how much I love him but I wish I could go back in time and express that more when I had him with me. I loved my child from the second I found out I was pregnant. All I ever wanted was for him to be healthy and for some unknown reason this had to happen. I am so angry and sad and I donít know how to move foreword. I donít see myself being able to move forward. I know people say it takes time, but I want my baby back...I'll always want my baby back. I just donít know where to go from here...I feel so alone in my grieving for this baby, like no one else can truly understand because he was inside me and I was the only one who knew him in any way when he was alive..........
Iím going a bit insane with everything going through my mind right now. I actually experienced some very mild bleeding at two different points during my pregnancy. Both times it wasn't even enough to fill a quarter of a panty liner but even so it scared the hell out of me. I was told "sometimes this just happens, its kind of a wait and see game" and both times nothing ever happened.......the last time that even happened was 2 months before I lost Ryan so it was completely unrelated but still for the remainder of my pregnancy I would check to make sure I wasn't bleeding every single time I went to the bathroom. Now I canít help but wonder ďwhat if?Ē about absolutely everything that I did during my pregnancy. What if I should have never taken baths? What if the one soda in a blue moon I allowed myself hurt my baby? OrÖI got a pedicure a few weeks ago, was it the fumes? OrÖI went into a casino for about an hour one night...did I inhale smoke and kill my baby? Or...I got a spider bite a few weeks ago...should I have taken that more seriously and gotten it checked out? Or the fact that it bothered me that at the doctors office I went to I had been seeing a Nurse Practitioner every check up until later in the pregnancy when I would have started to regularly see a Doctor...did that Nurse do something wrong? She was very nonchalant about the few bleeding episodes and always seemed so busy...what if something could have been prevented??? I saw her only 5 days before I lost himÖwhy didnít she notice something was wrong? She barely gave me the time of day. She found the babyís heart beat and since I had bronchitis she prescribed me some Robitussin, the whole appointment lasted no more than 5-10 minutes...and should I even have been taking that??? Or did me getting sick make him sick? Or what if I had come in to the hospital on Monday instead of Tuesday, could they have done something different? Or what if we had insisted they do the c-section immediately instead of waiting attached to the fetal monitor to see if there were any changes??? These questions keep circling around in my head and I feel a bit insane at times. I'm worried that whenever I get pregnant again I'll be afraid to leave my bed. I think I might have to buy one of those professional fetal heart monitors so I can hear his heartbeat whenever I need to. Although that wouldn't even have helped in my case because his heartbeat was there right up until the very last minute going into my c-section. I know people must think I'm crazy...my baby has only been gone 11 days and I'm thinking about having another one. But really that idea has been the absolute only thing to help me make it through my days. It terrifies me that something like this could happen again...but then I read so many stories about people having children after a miscarriage or a still birth and thatís all I want. I feel empty right now. I hate to look at my body because my boobs are starting to shrink as the milk dries up, and my stomach is slowly deflating - I can see my toes again but I'm not supposed to be able to right now. I think the worst part of the physical part is the fact that I am going to have a permanent scar to remind me I lost my son. Emotionally though all I can think is that as soon as itís physically possible I want to be pregnant again. I would never dream of having a child to "replace" Ryan...because that simply isn't possible and I know that, I really do. But I was very, very ready to be a mom. More ready than most people - even at my age. Even when I was younger I always just wanted to be a mommy. I would be content being a soccer mom and having 5 kids and just taking care of them. Not that I donít have career and life goals for myself but being a mom has always been number one on my list of things to do. That idea is what I cling to when I feel like everything is falling apart. I donít know if that's healthy...I'm sure itís probably not, but I feel like itís all I have.
Is there anyone at all who has gone through anything even semi-similar...and if so would you mind sharing your story and how did you managed?
The following user gives a hug of support to RyansMom21809: mille73m (04-06-2011)
The Following User Says Thank You to RyansMom21809 For This Useful Post: mille73m (04-06-2011)
i do know some how you are feeling. my third child. I lost it. i was 3 months. and of course it was called a fetus not baby. but in my heart it was my baby. I knew what i would be missing. by having to other kids. and it was a surprise baby not planned. but once the shock got over. we where happy. then a few months later we started trying to have a baby and we did and she was a beatiful baby girl . now she is 27 years old. and also my only son committed sucidide 10 years ago. this pain will always be with you,. losing a child no matter what age. no one will ever know our pain until they walk in our shoes. you will have more babies. but again Ryan will always be in your heart. dont ever let anyone tell you its time to get over Ryan. we will never get over it. but in time we will move on with our lives. I just lost my husband Nov. 8 . Valentines day we would had been married 40 years. Iv cried every day since April 6, 1999 and I will cry until its my time . and you know what my son and hubby deserves every tear I shed for them. so you cry and continue talking. all those ifs and whys. are so normal . but honey thats the pass and the present is here. again sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry for your lost. wish I could take the pain from you. but i cant. one mom to another mom.
Sweetie, oh please don't allow yourself to feel guilty for anything! You did everything right. You were totally aware of Ryan's movements, and when they changed you sought help for it immediately. I can tell you that the once-in-a-blue-moon soda, the pedicure and the casino trip didn't cause this to happen. When a woman is pregnant, we are not supposed to stay locked up into our little bubble we call home. You did everything right, so please, I ask you again not to allow yourself to feel guilty.
I lost a baby at 20 weeks, and it was awful. I didn't have any warning signs, but it was my first pregnancy so I didn't actually know if there were any. I felt a ton of guilt because I didn't know better. I went through the entire, "what if...." scenerio and it only caused my sadness to escalate. It kept me from moving on sooner.
And yes, people can be so harsh and uncaring when they expect you to simply get over it and move on. Unless they have personally carried and lost a child, they just have no clue. You DID bond with Ryan- he was your precious little boy and you loved him from the moment you found out you were pregnant. You became "mommie" at that very moment- I can tell by reading your post.
Medically, it's not considered uncommon for a first pregnancy to be lost for "unknown" reasons- even further on in that pregnancy. You mentioned you have a heart shapped uterus. I have a tilted uterus, retrograde which means it falls backwards. My OB felt that had something to do with it. We just never found anything conclusive. It didn't keep me from having two other healthy pregnancies and two wonderful children since.
Emotionally, you have to allow yourself to grieve the loss of your son. Grieve in and way you need to, because holding it in will not help you. When you feel you are able, try and do something in memorium for Ryan. Maybe plant a tree as a reminder of his beauty- the beauty of life, a reminder that he will always be with you- your guardian angel. Cherish the time you had with your son because it isn't unusual that you wanted to have that time with him.
I'm so sorry I can't take your pain away, because the loss of a child just can't be fixed with a few kind words. Just know that you didn't do anything wrong. Please know you are not alone.
Ryans mum my heart goes out to you. It must be horrible that feeling of knowing that you are the only one grieving the loss of Ryan. I really feel for you and offer you my deepest deepest sympathy and love.
I wish there was more I could say to make it easier for you but words can't describe how you are feeling and this guilt you feel is really not your fault at all. I do understand how hard it must be as people think because Ryan never met everyone that it's not the same for them as it is for you but it's the loss of a child and that is the worst pain to bear I think.
Love and the most kindest of wishes to you from the bottom of my heart.
Bless you so much, im so sorry. I also endured the death of my son on Sept. 11 2002 and you will never forget. It took me 4-5 months of everyday crying and mourning til i was able to function in society. Even though not technically born, he will always be your baby boy! Yes it is going to be hard and the pain will eventually fade a little, but you will always think about him and will see him again when you pass. I feel your pain.
I had to reply to this because it is very similar to my story, however, mine died at 36 weeks. First of all, I want to tell you how sorry I am for your great loss and let you know that you are not alone and there are some of us out there who do understand.
I had similar problems with slowing and erratic movement patterns and the same brush off from my doctor. To make things worse I had developed gestational diabetes and had unbelievable swelling from about 4 months along. I still was treated as any other patient, although I come to find out now that your risk of delivering a stillborn baby is higher if you have GD. No one ever told me this I just kept hearing how "fine" everything would turn out , despite my long list of worries, aches pains and concerns about movement.
For 2 days before my son died I didn't feel good. I had cramping that became severe but was brushed off. I was told I was "too early" to go into labor. Since he was moving a lot those 2 days I felt everything was fine. But by the third day I decided to go see the doc because of bleeding/ spotting and lack of movement. I was so excited and believed I was going to have my baby that day!
In the docs office, same as you, baby had a heartbeat but they didn't bother with an ultrasound. Not even at the hospital as they claimed "it woulnd't show them anything." Then i was hooked up to a NST and that showed no movement. And like you the heart rate was slowing throughout the three or so hours they wasted time having me hooked to the machine. Finally an emergency C-section was done though I expected my baby to be alive as no one gave any indication otherwise. They made it seem that he was in "distress" and getting him out was going to make everything better. I guess I was in denial.
I was horrified and shocked when I was told after I came out of anetsthesia that my baby "didn't make it." It was the most painful and tragic moment of my life. My way of dealing with impleasant things in my life is to be strong, push past it and sweep the ugly details under the carpet and move on. It is crazy how my brain attempted this method for a few minutes until it realized the sheer enourmity of the situation. I cried harder and longer than I ever have in my entire life for about a month straight after that. My husband and I weren't sure we could go on. I wanted to die.
Going home and facing the nursery and all the shower gifts still in gift bags was important for my grieveing. I felt I had a place to go "visit" him or at least visit my old self and my dreams of who he would be. I set up a memorial in that room and waited about 3 months before taking down the crib and packing some things up. I kept almost anything as my hope of the next baby.
Like you I began to fantasize about the next baby pretty much right away. I think this is normal and part of feeling empty arms, hormones and my readiness for being a mom now left with nothing. I had many obstacles. First I ended up hospitalized for 2 weeks due infected blood clots they found in my leg and pelvis. (misdiagnosed by my same OB/GYN as the "FLU") sent me home. Later i was told I could have died. I began to wonder if i had the clots during the pregnancy and that is what caused the swelling. But no one really knows for sure if they were there before or developed as a result of C-section. Then i became so depressed that I ended up taking meds for it because I couldn't bring myself out of the darkness and despair. That really turned my life around and I began to feel somewhat like my old self, and went back to work. Now I was on blood thinners, antidepressants and had a saggy overweight body, big old scar and nothing to show for it all. Life sucked. I felt about 80 years old.
Then my period wouldn't return. I was so obsessed over this I went to a new doctor who prescribed me hormones and caused my period to come next month. I was never happier to see it.
I know what you are saying about the scar. A reminder. I loved my scar and looked at it often. It was proof that I had given birth and that I hadn't just imagined it all.
We got autopsy reports and itshowed cause of death "hypoxia" which is basically loss of oxygen. The report does not state why this happened just that it probably was occuring over time. (why did my doc not catch it?)
The pathology report revealed "chorangiosis" in the placenta which is a multiplication of red blood cells and is often seen in placentas of mothers with GD or hypertension.
After spending so much time blaming myself ( I still do and always will! no matter what anyone says) I blame the doctor more . He should have given more time to my visits. I had symptoms which were abnormal and I got brushed off (like you) and was ignored even when I thought I was in labor.
Let me tell you that it is a long and painful journey to healing. My son would be four now and I miss him terribly everyday and think about him constantly and talk about him. It is part of who I am. I don't want to be "that woman who lost her baby" but I am and I am proud of my son who was perfect adn beautiful and was a wonderful dream come true pregnancy for me. I love how you say how you knew your baby from within and felt like a stranger when he was out. I know exactly what you mean as my good memories all come from my pregnancy and everything I thought, everyhwere I went all my feelings and emotions toward him. That is how I remember him too.
I held onto hope of another baby but due to the medications we waited about 10-11 months before we tried again. I found out I was pregnant the next month (right before the first anniversary of our baby's death) Yes the pregnancy was hard. I struggled with depression (despite my joy in being pregnant again) had a hard time coping with pains and aches, had no energy , just wanted to sleep, was afraid to do any baby talk or get a nursery together (we had moved). Every sentence was followed by "if the baby makes it." It was both a joyful and dark time.
Happily, with new wonderful doctors and specialists and giving myself shots in the belly of blood thinner twice a day, my second wonderful baby boy was born alive, via planned C-section and was screaming his head off!
Now he is 2.5 and the most wonderful kid anyone can ask for. I am an overprotective parent because I know the worst things that can happen. I don't let him out of my sight and leave him with noone. He is a special gift and me and my husband are so grateful for him.
If you want another, you need to hold onto your hope that it will happen. This is what I did and it helped. Everytime I became scared and thought to myself "what if i can't have anymore kids?" or '"What if it happens again?" i switched my thoughts and visualized myself smiling and phoning people telling them I was pregnant again and visualized myself having a big belly and having caring doctors and visualized the words " its a boy!" ( I really wanted another boy) I swear, everything ended up happening the way I visualized it It was crazy.
I hope this helps a bit. You are not alone and keep seeking out others who know what you have been through. I will check on you soon. Got to get my little one to bed. I never thought I would be in this place saying that to someone else, but here I am . I got through it and so will you.
First i would like to say how very sorry i am for your loss. I too lost a baby born stillborn. I do relate to all of the emotions & feelings that you're going through right now. How i wish that i could give you words of comfort but to be honest i can't because it has been 20yrs since i lost my beautiful baby girl & i still have not found a way to be ale to move on. I still cry every single day for her. And i too feel as if i am the only one who grieves for her. I never felt that her father greived "enough" for her or to the extent that i have over the past 20 yrs. I feel that there is just no way that he could ever understand how i feel because he really never knew her like i did because he didn't carry her for 8 1/2 mo., i did. He didn't talk to her or sing to her or read to her or share dreams with her or nuture her while she was in my womb, i did. And he never felt her tiny but mighty kicks while inside of me. There is no way that he could ever understand, i don't think. Don't get me wrong, he grieved, but he also moved on. Which i can't help but resent. His philosophy is "shes in a much better place, she will never feel pain or experience sadness or hurt etc." Well all of that may be true but i'm sorry i can't feel comforted by that. I hurt inside & my heart feels as though it has been ripped out of my chest & stomped on. His words don't help me or comfort me & i know that he loves me & that he means well but i just want to tell him to shut up! I just hurt so much in my heart, in my soul for a baby , my daughter that i wanted more than anything in this world. She was my 1st baby. I had such high hopes & big dreams for her & they were all shattered & she was ripped away from me. And i know how easy it is to blame yourself but you must not do this to yourself because it wasn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. In saying this i feel like the biggest hipocrit because to this day i still wonder if her death was my fault. Was it something i did? Something i didn't do? Cold i have changed it? etc...Was God mad at me? etc...Please do not do this to yourself for it will drive you insane. It wasn't your fault. I had my daughter Dolores in Jan. 1989. I had an emergency c-section when i was 8 1/2 mo. along. The last that i felt her kick was after being taken through the doors of the emergency room by the ambulance drivers. The ER Drs did an ultrasound right away & told me that my baby had expired & i was so scared that i didn't even realize what he was telling me. Expired? What does that mean, i asked? He said "your baby is dead". The only words to descibe my thoughts & feelings at that moment was total devastation. And the audacity of the ER Drs whom told me that they were going to give me a shot to induce my labor! My baby was dead inside of me & they were going to make me give birth to her naturally as if nothing had ever happened! Oh god how i cried & felt so alone. I actually was all alone as my husband was at work at the time & had yet to be notified. So, the Drs gave me a shot to induce labor & i was so scared & felt so alone. I asked the Drs why they were going to make me have my baby natural, why make me go through all of this if my baby was dead & they told me "because it's not an emergency!" My baby was dead inside of me & they had the audacity to say that to me! I just cried. A few minutes later my husband showed up & while telling him what happened i felt a gush between my legs. I told him & he lifted up the sheet & said to me "omg! you are bleeding really bad". So he called for the Drs & the Drs said that they were taking me right away to surgery for an emergency c-section. Now it was an emergency (anger). I gave birth to my precious "dead" baby girl. I was allowed to hold her for awhile, as were my family that had showed up later. I remember holding her & it was as if she were only sleeping. I counted her fingers & her tiny toes & i patted her soft blonde hair, her daddys hair. And i prayed, oh how i prayed.."Please God, let her open her eyes, let her cry, bring her back to life because you are the almighty god & you can do anything!...Nothing.....To this day i don't even know the color of my babys eyes although i imagine they were blue, like her daddys since she had his blonde hair but i will never really know for sure. The hospital took a few pics for me. I stayed in the hospital for 5 days & left on the day of my babys funeral. I can't even explain to you the feeling i had leaving the hospital that day, empty handed as the woman next to me in the elevator carried her newborn baby in her loving arms. The Drs told me the reason my baby died is because the umbilical cord wrapped around my babys neck & stangled her. When my precious baby was delivered her little lips were blue & the side of her little face & neck were blue & bruised as well. My poor baby. At the funeral i held her for as long as i could. Right up until the time when the funeral director told me that it was time to go to the grave yard. I did not want to let her go or let them put her back in that tiny little coffin that resembled a bread box. The funeral director took her out of my arms & i just fell to the floor & sobbed. We took pics of our daughter & i'm glad that we did because they are my memories of her. Some people say its morbid to have taken pics but i don't care what they say. She is MY baby! I held her tiny coffin on my lap on the way to the cemetary. The thing i hate is that they would not give me a birth certificate for my baby since she was born dead. I argued that she had "lived" inside of me for 8 1/2 mo. but its all "legality". It hurt me so much & i took it personal because in my eyes i felt that they weren't acknowledging that my baby ever existed & that hurt me so much. So the hospital made me a "in remembrance" certificate & gave me her baby blanket & a copy of her tiny foot prints. This happened Jan. 9th, 1989 & the wounds & the hurt are still so very very fresh as if it were yesterday. I don't think i will ever heal or recover from losing my precious baby girl. RyansMom21809, i wish that i could have given you words of hope & comfort & encouragement & tell you that in time it gets better but i will not lie to you or give you false hope. But i would like to say that i understand exactly what you're going through & by sharing my very painful raw story with you i hope to have accomplished one thing, that you know you are not alone. I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers.
I just came back to see if maybe you had posted again but i see that you have not. It's been awhile since you've posted & i was just wondering how you're doing? I know that you probably don't feel much like talking & thats very understandable. I went through the same thing as nothing anybody said made me feel any better. I felt like, my baby is dead, what can they do or say? Infact, i couldn't find a point or reason in anything after my baby died. I felt all alone. But i just wanted you to know that i will check back every few days & see if you have posted & i will be thinking about you. I hope that you're feeling better, physically.
I know that it's been 20 years since my baby died & i'm still not over it but just recently i am considering finding a support group to go to or maybe even some counseling. I really feel that i need to do "something" to try to move on, or atleast accept my daughters death in some small way before it drives me insane. Like i've said, it's been 20 years since my daughter died & i still have these fantasies/thoughts that someday i will get a knock at my door & it will be my daughter telling me of the hospital mix up, that it really wasn't her that died.
I have alot going on in my life right now, medical issues/surgeries but i think just as soon as i can that i may seek counseling/support group. Maybe this would help you?
One thing that helped me for awhile was an idea that my friend had suggested to me. She said "why don't we have a Memorial each year on your daughter's birthday"? Just to remember her. Where we can invite friends/family to get together to remember her/honor her. Followed up by a visit to the cemetary to put flowers on her grave. It was aimed more at a "happy" thing instead of it being to "mourn". It worked for a few years but then we stopped because i really felt like my friends/family felt like i really just needed to get over it & move on & when they saw how terribly sad i still was over it i guess they just couldn't understand. I don't think anybody understands except for us, the mommies.
Do you know that their are rubber bracelets that you can purchase, to wear around your wrists? They say "Mommy To An Angel". Designed for women like us who have lost a baby. They are the same kind of rubber bracelets that you see for cancer, autism, Aids, etc. Mine makes me feel a little better. Sometimes its just the small things that give us a little comfort.
Another thing i did for the first 10 years after my baby died, each year on her birthday i went out & i bought her a brand new pretty dress. My friends/family thought that i had truely lost it! They just didn't understand. It did make me feel a little better. After 10 years of doing this i donated them, in my daughter's name to a womens/childrens shelter. I sure did cry when i let those pretty little dresses go.
I hope that you're ok & i'll be thinking about you. Take care.