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Old 03-27-2009, 11:37 AM   #1
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Lost my mom and world feels so cold now.

I lost my mom 2 weeks ago, and despite so many people showing concern and love, I can't help but feel that the world is a much colder place now. The woman who loved me more than anyone in this world, is gone, and I can't imagine ever being happy again, knowing that we'll never laugh together again, and that I'll never experience her soothing words and calming presence.

People tell me it will get better, and at the same time they'll say that I'll never be ok with my mom being gone. That years from now it will still be painful. That makes it hurt even more.

People also tell me that the grief will get worse in the coming weeks and months. I can't quite fathom that.

How can I help myself heal? It feels tragic, even though she lived a full life. I just feel like I need a mother's love, but my mother is no longer here to help me when I need her most.

Last edited by AnneinPhilly; 03-27-2009 at 11:38 AM.

 
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Old 04-03-2009, 04:26 PM   #2
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Re: Lost my mom and world feels so cold now.

I know exactly how you feel now. I lost my Mom this past July to lung cancer. She died a terrible death and I had to watch her slowly die a little more each day for 1 1/2 years.

The first thing that came to my mind was exactly what YOU had said....the person in the world that loves you the most is now gone. I also miss my Mom very, very much. I always knew that I could count on my Mom for ANYTHING. I am now an orphan....my father passed away 10 years ago and my mom just a short 8 months ago. I still have a lot of difficult days but think that I am coping okay. I guess since I watched her suffer so much, I know that she is now in GOD's hands and finally in peace. That is the only thought that gets me through each and every day. It's kind of weird but I now have a lot of dreams with my Mom in them. It's almost like that's her way of
helping me cope with her death. I still get to see her....only now it is in my dreams......which is better than not at all as far as I am concerned.

You know, everyone grieves differently....but I truly don't think I will ever stop missing my Mom.

Take care and just try to make it through one day at a time through your grieving process. I actually went to a grief support group from my church that was quite helpful to me. Maybe you have something like that in your area too.

Please know that my prayers are with you and I understand your pain.....You are not alone.

 
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Old 04-04-2009, 10:58 PM   #3
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Re: Lost my mom and world feels so cold now.

Hi,
I totally understand how you feel, I was a Daddy's girl and when he died part of my heart went with him. I felt numb, in shock and empty, I kept telling myself he is in a better place and he is not sick anymore. There are times I wish he was here becasue I feel like he is missing so much, like seeing my son become a police officer-( he would have been so proud) and seeing my new born grandson, he loved Christmas and every Christmas I'm reminded of that. I guess we have to continue our lives and conduct our lives that would make our parents proud, I think the first year after someone very close to you dies, we're mentally unstable, we're out of touch with reality, depressed, sad and empty inside, our heart in heavy and filled with sadness, it dose get easyer as time goes on but it never goes away, If someone is very special to you , I don't think you would want it to completly go away because they were a very important part of your life, they taught you many things and loved you and that is something you should hold on forever.
Kay

 
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Old 04-06-2009, 01:10 PM   #4
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Re: Lost my mom and world feels so cold now.

Thanks SherryAnne. The grief counselor that the hospice provided recommended against grief support groups just yet - I guess it's because I have so little tolerance for people who, in an effort to be supportive, say something completely stupid. A neighbor told me that I'd never get over losing my mom, which made me feel worse. Another person kept reminding me that my mom had been sick (as if to say that I shouldn't feel sad because I knew it was coming).

I'm constantly reading things, seeing things, or experiencing things that I want to share w/my mom - things we would talk about or laugh about or do together. I'm DYING to dream about her, but it hasn't happened yet. I know if she could communicate to me, she would in a way that wouldn't freak me out. But I guess she's in heaven too busy catching up with her previously deceased friends and family.

I was with her when she died, and told her how much of an inspiration she is to me, that I hope I raise my son as kindly, compassionately, and with so much fun as she raised me. My son is just a baby, so it's especially hard because he'll never have the privilege of knowing what a fantastic and special woman his grandmother was - or what a loss this is. So while it was incredible sad, I was glad that what I told her in those final moments, she already knew. I don't know if she heard me, but I knew she knew how important our relationship was. I have no regrets on how we spent our time together.

 
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Old 06-01-2009, 09:53 AM   #5
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Re: Lost my mom and world feels so cold now.

You can show empathy for someone who has lost a loved one but you don't know how they feel until it happens to you. I know how it feels because December 22,2008 was the worst day of my life. My mom died three days before Christmas and I feel like she took a part of my heart with her. I don't even know how I was able to make it through the funeral but I did. The week before she died I told her that if she passed away I would not want to live. She told me not to say such a thing because I have a son to live for. My sisters and I were with her at the time of her death and she went peacefully. I feel honored to have been able to share that experience with her. I find comfort in knowing that she is not in any pain and when my time comes I will see her again one day.

 
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Old 06-01-2009, 10:59 AM   #6
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Re: Lost my mom and world feels so cold now.

All of you are very lucky to have wonderful memories of your mother. I read each one and just sighed real big because my mother died without me ever really hearing say she was proud of me, loved me for who I am, grateful for me as her daughter, etc.

Instead I live with the memories that I was treated poorly for most of my life as a child and as an adult (physically and emotionally abused) The only time she wasn't critical of me was when I was around my children. Even my husband said "one day, I'd love to hear your mother say you breath right!'.

I have an older sister who was my mother's caregiver for the last 8 years of her life with dementia. My sister took wonderful care of her with very little help from me, I just couldn't do it. I supported my sister by agreeing with most things she did with Mom and defending her to others who felt she could do things differently. But my mother acted like my sister carried the tablets up the mountain for Moses.

So be grateful for your memories. There are times when my mother and I had laughter and fun but it was always at arms length from one another. I respected the woman as my mother because she gave me life but some people are just luckier in life than others. You all were very lucky and your children are the better for it.

My kids are better for me as their Mom because I had a rule about not using physical force in most cases. I also never allowed words like retard, stupid, idiot, dumb etc to be used or said by us or my children to anyone else. those are words I heard a lot from my mother.

I don't know where I got the ability from but I've raised two great kids and helped by babysitting a lot of other kids who thought I was very cool and still keep in contact with me to this day. You can parent in a good way and still have rules and consistency. I'm not my kids friend, they have plenty -- I'm their Mom and they had a terrific Dad as well; unfortunately he died in April of '05 but he's never forgotten.

Last edited by caringsister54; 06-01-2009 at 11:00 AM.

 
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Old 06-04-2009, 07:55 AM   #7
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Re: Lost my mom and world feels so cold now.

I lost my Mom on May 6th of this year. I'm 52 years old, she was only 69. I don't know how I'm supposed to go through the rest of my life without her. I get up every morning, go to work, and I just struggle through the day, waiting for bedtime, so I can go to sleep and try to escape. I've been a widow since 1992, and I have a 30 year old daughter. My daughter is a great comfort to me, but she lives on her own, is single with no children, and has a life of her own. I don't care if I see or talk to other people. I cry everyday. I miss Mom so much. I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

 
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Old 06-04-2009, 08:51 AM   #8
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Re: Lost my mom and world feels so cold now.

Ann,

first off know that everyone grieves the loss of a loved one and you are still grieving -- there's no time table for it. I loss my Dad in '95, my father-in-law in '96, my husband in '05 and my mother this past February. Plus someone who was like a mother to me in 1985

BUT you are going to get through this by getting yourself out and about. Join a club, organization, etc. Go visit the library and look around.

No matter what you do, make eye contact, say hello, etc. Go to fundraisers at places, etc.

I met my best friend at a silent auction and she's 10 years older than me
I volunteer -- so look for volunteer activities or groups!

The best way to feel better about yourself is do something for someone else who has it worse.

Take Care, BUT STOP CLOSING YOURSELF UP IN THE HOUSE. I want to hear from you!

CaringSister54

 
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Old 06-04-2009, 05:29 PM   #9
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Re: Lost my mom and world feels so cold now.

caringsister54 after reading your post it brought back memories of the horrible childhood my mother told me she had. She suffered mainly emotional abuse and she would often vent over the years and speak of her childhood often. I have two older sisters and they would tell her she needed to tell her mom exactly how she felt and move on. I told my sisters that people handle hurt in different ways and venting is the way she chose to handle the pain. I can remember the tears falling from her face when she told me she never had a Christmas tree as a child . My gram thought that trees were messy and a waste of money. My gram ran the household and grandad pretty much let her do what ever she wanted. On Christmas morning my mom and her older sister would receive a plain shoe box which contained only an apple and an orange. On one occasion my grandad told my gram that my mom and her sister had holes in the bottoms of their shoes and they needed new ones. My gram said there was use in wasting money on new shoes for them and had them put card board in the shoes. My mom told me my gram never told her she loved her once during her entire childhood and that is why she made sure she told us every day. My mom would say she loved her mom and respected her because she gave her life. It appears as though you and my mom had a lot in common and I know there are many more who can relate. Both of you refused to repeat the cycle of abuse and instead bestow unconditional love upon your children. Like the old saying goes,What Does Not Kill You Makes You Stronger. I can have empathy for you but my mother would have known exactly how you felt because you and she walked in the same shoes.

 
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Old 06-05-2009, 06:23 AM   #10
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Re: Lost my mom and world feels so cold now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lida Keli View Post
caringsister54 after reading your post it brought back memories of the horrible childhood my mother told me she had. She suffered mainly emotional abuse and she would often vent over the years and speak of her childhood often. I have two older sisters and they would tell her she needed to tell her mom exactly how she felt and move on. I told my sisters that people handle hurt in different ways and venting is the way she chose to handle the pain. I can remember the tears falling from her face when she told me she never had a Christmas tree as a child . My gram thought that trees were messy and a waste of money. My gram ran the household and grandad pretty much let her do what ever she wanted. On Christmas morning my mom and her older sister would receive a plain shoe box which contained only an apple and an orange. On one occasion my grandad told my gram that my mom and her sister had holes in the bottoms of their shoes and they needed new ones. My gram said there was use in wasting money on new shoes for them and had them put card board in the shoes. My mom told me my gram never told her she loved her once during her entire childhood and that is why she made sure she told us every day. My mom would say she loved her mom and respected her because she gave her life. It appears as though you and my mom had a lot in common and I know there are many more who can relate. Both of you refused to repeat the cycle of abuse and instead bestow unconditional love upon your children. Like the old saying goes,What Does Not Kill You Makes You Stronger. I can have empathy for you but my mother would have known exactly how you felt because you and she walked in the same shoes.
hey to everyone on this post. I lost my husband Nov 8 2008 with lung cancer. his baby girl which is 27 was holding his hand and other on his heart. his eyeball. they never fuss. she would always go to him before me. . i always told her . I thought the love they have for each other. is beautiful. and yes I know she loves me. last monthe she finally seeked out support group. she couldnt stop crying one day and her heart rate was fast and her blood pressure shock up. they called it a panic attack. she appeared to be strong for 6 months but her going and asking for help. is the best thing she has done. she major in phychology and shes thinking in going back to school talking to others going through times. she feels like her talking has help others. take caringsisters advice everyone. Im trying to move on with my life also. we will always grieve for our love ones. we also lost a son years ago through sucidide and we made it through. and we will make it through losing hubby and dad . we mourn for them and with time that will get better. but we will grieve forever. the night before Walt pass. he sat up in bed and called out Wally and held his hands out to him. and also Jessica(baby girl) had a dream about a train station and Wally came running up to her and 2 men took him away. and the her dad look at her later and ask her about the train station and thats when he reach out to Wally, so we choose to think Wally was coming to take Walt. we couldnt understand Walt the last day. he mumbled. and the next morning he spoke to us and smile and talked to us until. 12:30 and then he didnt no more. he pass that night. iv cried everyday for 10 years with Wally and now with Walt. but they are worth it. short crys though. dont lock yourself away. they are not coming back and they would want us to live and be happy. take care love faye disney world

 
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Old 06-05-2009, 08:48 AM   #11
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Re: Lost my mom and world feels so cold now.

Anne -

I lost my Mom on March 12 of this year. It is a very hard situation losing your mom. I know for me, even when she was gone only a couple of days, I kept wanting to call her to talk to her and I would realize she isn't there.

It has not yet been 3 months and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her. I look at her photos and talk to her. Some days, I just want to cry all day. But I go to work and cry on the drive in, at lunch time, and on the drive home.

I anticipate this year being very difficult, especially when special days come up. My birthday is in August and no matter what, my Mom would call and sing Happy Birthday to me. Even if she only got voicemail, she would sing on my voicemail. I have tears in my eyes even just writing this to you.

But I have to try to take it one day at a time. If I keep thinking about the future, I think I will drive myself crazy. Please realize this group is here to help you. Everyone can relate to your feelings and we are not burdened by your situation. That is the one thing I find the hardest to do - find people I can talk to about my situation. People who have not experienced loss like this cannot relate and may tell you "isn't it time to get over this?". Don't listen to them.

You should cry when you want to, scream when you want to or just stay in bed when you want to. Don't discount how you are feeling. It is going to be hard for awhile. But realize, there are people here to help you.

Please write soon,

Heather

 
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Old 06-05-2009, 09:07 AM   #12
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Re: Lost my mom and world feels so cold now.

I agree with Heather, no one who has not experienced this type of loss can possibly understand the pain you feel when you lose your mother, I lost mine 3 weeks and 3 days ago May 12th at 9:30 a.m. Sometimes I find myself picking up the phone and calling her to tell her something comical that happened that day or something cute the grandkids did. It is so hard to think of her as not there....she was ALWAYS there. My mom and I were not as close as I would have liked there were times when I felt at arms length from her but it doesn't change the profound loss I feel, words really can't even describe it. Mother's are the foundation of a family, they keep everyone in touch and part of a unit, without them you are drifting, it's profoundly sad.

I also agree that you have to grieve in your own time, don't let people rush you and tell you to move on if you are not ready. I know that when my dad died I pushed all the hurt and grief as far down as possible because I had responsibilities and I worked for a company that just didn't seem to understand, now with losing mom, I am reexperiencing the profound loss of my parents. I sit at the cemetary and will them to come back even though I know they are in a better place, I am selfish I guess, I want them here with me till I am ready but if we were granted more time...would we ever be ready?

 
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Old 06-05-2009, 03:44 PM   #13
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Re: Lost my mom and world feels so cold now.

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Originally Posted by AnneinPhilly View Post
How can I help myself heal? It feels tragic, even though she lived a full life. I just feel like I need a mother's love, but my mother is no longer here to help me when I need her most.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I lost my mom nine years ago this August. I have not been the same since. I am not the person I used to be. I am now paranoid about death, dying, losing my son. I have panic attacks. It's terrible.
The hardest thing is having my son (who we named in honor of her, Patrick) who will never know her. I don't know how I am raising him without her. She would have been such a wonderful grandmother I feel like she was cheated out of that experience.
I can not believe that after nine years I am still having a hard time coping. I think my problem has a lot to do with the fact that 1) I hold a lot in 2) I quit my job to be a stay-at-home mom so i don't get out much.
Also, I live 300 miles away from my dad and friends which makes it so much harder.
I keep thinking how will I manage when I lose him too? Or what if I lose my son in some tragedy? I know I shouldn't live like that and I hate that I do, but I certainly live each day in fear. I just want to appreciate and love life again.
I just miss her so much. Why has it affected me like this?
Thanks for letting me vent

 
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Old 06-06-2009, 06:59 AM   #14
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Re: Lost my mom and world feels so cold now.

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Originally Posted by tomymommy View Post
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I lost my mom nine years ago this August. I have not been the same since. I am not the person I used to be. I am now paranoid about death, dying, losing my son. I have panic attacks. It's terrible.
The hardest thing is having my son (who we named in honor of her, Patrick) who will never know her. I don't know how I am raising him without her. She would have been such a wonderful grandmother I feel like she was cheated out of that experience.
I can not believe that after nine years I am still having a hard time coping. I think my problem has a lot to do with the fact that 1) I hold a lot in 2) I quit my job to be a stay-at-home mom so i don't get out much.
Also, I live 300 miles away from my dad and friends which makes it so much harder.
I keep thinking how will I manage when I lose him too? Or what if I lose my son in some tragedy? I know I shouldn't live like that and I hate that I do, but I certainly live each day in fear. I just want to appreciate and love life again.
I just miss her so much. Why has it affected me like this?
Thanks for letting me vent
get yourself up and going. I lost my only son 10 years agao and in Nov. my husband of 40 years. if I can survice losing my child. I will survice losing my love of my life. we have to fight this sadness we have. believe me there has been times i dont want to wake up. but hey i have 2 daughters that needs me. i know exactly how you feel though. but you will wake up when you are 80 years old and say hey I worried and nothing never happen. we are meant to bury our parents not a son. enjoy your son now. and tell him how great his grandmother was. never stop talking about her . my daughter which 27 years old. her dad was her best friend. she could tell him anything. they worship each other. and she had a panic attack last month. and admitted herself in the hospital. her choice. she realize she needed support. just like you, she keeps thing on the inside. and now she is helping others that are dealing with sadness and with that its helping her cope much better. talk, talk, and talk. if not to someone to yourself. thats what keeps me going. my home of 30 years was forclose because one my beloved got lung cancer. the money stop and we had to sell all my antiques, gun collection and my beautiful baby grand piano. he was a civil engineer and own his own business. but yet I feel so blessed. im living in an apartmeant. and started collecting his ss check. so honey look around you and you will also one day feel bless. i tell myself over and over dont worry about what I had. but glad what I got. again I do understand how you feel . but put a smile on your face today and know your mom is looking down on you. take care disney world

 
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Old 06-06-2009, 07:42 AM   #15
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Re: Lost my mom and world feels so cold now.

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Originally Posted by disney world View Post
get yourself up and going. I lost my only son 10 years agao and in Nov. my husband of 40 years. if I can survice losing my child. I will survice losing my love of my life. we have to fight this sadness we have. believe me there has been times i dont want to wake up. but hey i have 2 daughters that needs me. i know exactly how you feel though. but you will wake up when you are 80 years old and say hey I worried and nothing never happen. we are meant to bury our parents not a son. enjoy your son now. and tell him how great his grandmother was. never stop talking about her . my daughter which 27 years old. her dad was her best friend. she could tell him anything. they worship each other. and she had a panic attack last month. and admitted herself in the hospital. her choice. she realize she needed support. just like you, she keeps thing on the inside. and now she is helping others that are dealing with sadness and with that its helping her cope much better. talk, talk, and talk. if not to someone to yourself. thats what keeps me going. my home of 30 years was forclose because one my beloved got lung cancer. the money stop and we had to sell all my antiques, gun collection and my beautiful baby grand piano. he was a civil engineer and own his own business. but yet I feel so blessed. im living in an apartmeant. and started collecting his ss check. so honey look around you and you will also one day feel bless. i tell myself over and over dont worry about what I had. but glad what I got. again I do understand how you feel . but put a smile on your face today and know your mom is looking down on you. take care disney world
Thanks Disney World I appreciate your kind words and my prayers are with you also

 
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