It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Grief & Loss Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-13-2009, 05:46 AM   #1
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Hertfordshire
Posts: 4
MCMLIIIMMVII HB User
Struggling to cope with the changes of life after my Mum

My mother died in late 2007. I'm still struggling with the grief as the pain still feels so fresh and vigerous. I am 21 and was only 19 when she died, I feel like I have been cheated out of experiences with her. For example when I graduate from uni, if I get married etc, just knowing she won't be there is enough to send me into such a low state.

My Dad told me yesterday that he is seeing a lady in the village next to ours, and whilst I want him to be happy and I know he has been very lonely, I am struggling to get my head around things. It feels like all the pain of losing my Mum is now stronger than ever.

 
Old 04-14-2009, 07:46 AM   #2
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 2
jp1975 HB User
Re: Struggling to cope with the changes of life after my Mum

im sorry for your loss. losing your mum is a really tough time. i am still grieving for mine too.

i can only tell you what i've experienced with my own dad starting a friendship with a woman he knows. at first i was shocked and quite angry but then i realised he is a 60 yr old man whose only other choice is to be alone for the rest of his life. i realised my feelings have to take a back seat on this issue, as long as they are "respectful" (if you get my drift). try to focus on him being happy, like i'm sure your mum would have wanted. it has helped me stop it becoming a big issue.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 04-14-2009, 06:27 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: NJ, United States
Posts: 1,471
caringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB User
Re: Struggling to cope with the changes of life after my Mum

To all

I was widowed in April of 2005. I cried and cried each day for the loss of all the dreams and wishes. I knew he was going to die someday I just was shocked at how soon it happened at his age of 48. I was 3 years older.

Well anyway -- speed forward to 2006. I started getting the urge in my sleep and daytime periods that I don't want my heart to close up to love again. Mikey was terrific and opened my heart to love and I wanted that again. it didn't mean I loved him less. I stood by him in his illness, attending to his medical crisis' as they occurred, going to his doctor appointments, hospital visits, medical tests, etc. My two kids were 22 and 18 and well on their way to their lives when he died and now two years later at 24 and 20 they were out of the house more than in it and I was very lonely.

So I went onto a dating website figuring at my age, I wouldn't go sit in a bar. But i did got to movies by myself. I went to dinners by myself, etc. After posting for awhile I was about to quit and instead of praying for God to send me someone, I prayed that God would heal the pain in my heart and get me to be able to live alone and be happy.

I ended up getting a request for coffee. I went. it turned out to be someone who I use to see walking the hall or in the cafeteria. he became a widow in 2001. We've been dating and together since june 2007. When I told my kids that I was dating someone -- it was at our 2nd date when he asked if he could continue to see me (sweet!) they were not happy. My son was upset but he went to a neighbor who said what was he so upset about, he was going away the whole summer so what was I to do, just sit home? but my daughter who was dating the same guy for a few years. Boy she started to say some things to me to the extend that I got up and went into her face and said "you better watch what you say and what you call me, I am still your mother!".

I said to both of them that night -- a mother could kiss your boo-boos, I will stand shoulder to shoulder with you if you go before a judge, etc. I will be there for you for everything but you have to understand that I am just dating this guy for movies, dinners, etc. If you guys make a 'ah hem, mistake" its a mistake that will live with me for awhile, but there's no mistakes that going to happen with me because I'm much passed that.

If you guys are upset by me seeing this man, you have to look at yourselves in the mirror and ask why? If your dad and I just separated, I wouldn't be dating. Even if I was divorced from him, i don't think I'd date again always hoping he'd come back to me. But he was gone, permanently and I'm doing this.

i do feel that God and my husband sent me Joe. Maybe his wife also had something to do with throwing us together. its serene, companionable, and quite nice to have someone who loves me much. I was blessed twice in live and I feel lucky.

CaringSister54

 
Old 04-16-2009, 03:25 PM   #4
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Hertfordshire
Posts: 4
MCMLIIIMMVII HB User
Re: Struggling to cope with the changes of life after my Mum

Thank you both for your replies. I spoke to my Dad and I explained to him that I just need a little time to understand things. Thank you for your insight caringsister54, I can only imagine what it must be like for both you and my Dad and others forced into such an awful situation, lifes inexplicable cruelties are what upset me most at times.

I understand what you mean about the loneliness. I am 21, my sister is 30 and my brother 32. I currently live at home when I am not at university, but as I am much younger I am the only child still remaining at home. I know my Dad was incredibly lonely, after sharing 35 years with your soul mate, it must have been terrible to go from having her and your youngest child around constantly to having neither (my Mum died a few days after I started University about 4 hours away from home.)

When I spoke to him the other day I wanted to make it clear to him that I am happy he feels a little better and is able to get the companionship I know he needs. I am a self-confessed Daddy's girl - I adore him, he is the nicest, kindest, lovliest man you would ever wish to me, the cards he has been dealt recently have been unfair, so from my perspective a little bit of happiness and companionship is the least he deserves. I told him this, I said I would be upset if he split from this woman, who he obviously enjoys the company of, but I do just need time to adjust, and didn't feel I was emotionallly ready to meet her and for her to become a part of my life.

JP1975 I totally understand what you mean, when I was first told, I stared crying, just out of shock, on Easter sunday with the family around, having such a lovely day... it was the last thing I was expecting to hear. My dad is of a similar age, he is 59... 60 in September, he doesn't deserve to be lonely and I know my Mum would want him to be happy, but as much as I know she'd want that... I know the tiniest part of her heart would also be breaking at the same time, not because she was a bad person, she wasn't - she was lovely, but because my Dad was the first and only love of her life. No two people to my mind greater personified love that my parents.

I am not in a position where I want to make things harder for my Dad, I just need the space, because this brings back so much pain of losing my Mother, my best friend. I never fully adjusted to life without her, because it has only been a year and a half. But healing wounds are beginning to reopen, and a sense of awkwardness is looming in my house whilst I try and get my head around things and my Dad tries to tip toe around me. I know he's feeling bad and like he needs to make things up to me, which he doesn't but neither of us really like to talk about it, because I'm not ready.

I feel lonely now because the pain of losing my mother I feel like I'm going through all over again, but by myself. My brother and sister both have lives and commitments elsewhere and my Dad has entered this new relationship.... whereas I just feel incredibly low missing my mother but I don't feel like I can burden them with this as they're all doing so well, moving forward - but I'm stuck in this rut.

 
Old 04-17-2009, 12:13 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: NJ, United States
Posts: 1,471
caringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB User
Re: Struggling to cope with the changes of life after my Mum

Glad you read through the post to the pain that I carried as I wrote. Yes, i will forever miss my husband for all the dreams and wishes we kept saying 'when the kids graduate . . ." because we sacrificed so much in our daily lives for the kids education (12 yrs. Catholic School for both)

My kids are now both fine with me and Joe. They talk with him. In fact they even call him directly when they need to talk with someone other than me. The fact that during his recuperation from widowhood he became a teacher for awhile is another gift from God because both my kids are going to school to be teachers and his knowledge is helping.

You are feeling left out because your Dad has someone and the siblings do too so you need to stretch yourself out of the shell you got yourself into. If you are in school, there's charities and organization's there to lend your assistance.

about meeting her or needing time. Time is the enemy sweets -- as anyone who lost someone knows. How much time? a week, month, a year???
My mother-in-law who is more of a mother to me than mine was -- is a very singular woman who lives for her kids. I wanted her to meet Joe out of respect as a Mom, just like I introduced Joe to my own mother. She refused to meet him one on one saying it would make her feel funny. She said she knew how much I loved her son and it showed when we were together she said that seeing me with someone else would be difficult. While that hurt me so deeply, I overcame it and waited for a party reason and brought Joe. Everyone was fine with him. Cool but fine.

Joe has a very, very small family and mostly spent time with his son and his mother-in-law since his wife was her only child. She too was upset by his dating. While I let it go for quite awhile, I forced myself onto the woman. And over time showed her that nothing in her relationship with her grandson or son-in-law would change but be enhanced by my presence. I give her flowers on the holidays like I figured her daughter would and I respect her. Slowly she is seeing me as a person she doesn't have to feel threatened by. I won't let her control my BF as much as she may have in the past but I do allow him times alone with him. I don't feel I need to be at every family gathering so holidays are spent with my family (in-laws) and he spends his with her.

As the months progress adjustments made be made but it works for us. So please -- this woman didn't do anything wrong other than meet up with your Dad. Your mother would be happy believe me.

you don't have to be with her 24/7 but you and your siblings owe them a dinner at a restaurant that would give you all an opportunity to meet her on neutral grounds.

I told my mother-in-law not to make me choose.

CaringSister54

 
Old 04-17-2009, 01:02 PM   #6
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Hertfordshire
Posts: 4
MCMLIIIMMVII HB User
Re: Struggling to cope with the changes of life after my Mum

Thats what I said though... I honestly am happy that he feels happier now, I wouldn't wish for them not to be together... like I said he is such a good judge of character, I don't doubt for a second she is a lovely person. The position I'm in right now though, less than a week after having been told, I'm not ready yet and he understands.

I know you can't put a time scale on anything so the same way my Dad isn't putting a time scale on me meeting her, because he knows I accept the situation, I just can't help the pain I feel in my heart which I am not letting on to him the extent because I don't want to make things feel worse on him whilst I am not in control of how I feel.

 
Old 04-27-2009, 09:29 PM   #7
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Knightdale,NC,USA
Posts: 2
Lulu B HB User
Re: Struggling to cope with the changes of life after my Mum

its ok to still feel the pain that your mom is gone.i lost my mom when i was 6 years old and i am 19 years old and i still have alot of pain.i think that is it ok to feel the pain but dont let the pain rule your life

 
Old 04-28-2009, 06:26 AM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: NJ, United States
Posts: 1,471
caringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB User
Re: Struggling to cope with the changes of life after my Mum

LuLu

thank you for saying it in so short and brief way. Your heart is genuine.

Thank you.

CaringSister54

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
still struggling to cope with the loss of my eldest son aussiemum50 Grief & Loss 1 05-29-2008 07:29 PM
How do you cope? Dietary changes..... Janster Acid Reflux / GERD 3 12-13-2007 10:56 AM
Struggling Dave17 Bipolar Disorder 3 08-20-2007 09:11 AM
Still struggling! greysky Relationship Health 5 05-28-2007 01:29 PM
married mother struggling with hubbie's BP and ADHD 4support Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill 7 09-26-2006 04:13 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Ivorygirl (13), rosequartz (11), slenderella (8), writeleft (4), JJ (4), caringsister54 (3), jesseca (3), Charlyssa (3), Kszan (2), sjb (2)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1136), MSJayhawk (941), Apollo123 (855), janewhite1 (823), Titchou (769), Gabriel (743), ladybud (667), sammy64 (666), midwest1 (654), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:36 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Copyright and Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!