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Old 05-04-2009, 04:56 AM   #1
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Lost my mom

I lost my mom to suicide a month and a half ago. It was a very weird situation, because my mom had bipolar disorder her entire life, and could get very violent, so I was never really all that close to her. She also had many attempts throughout my lifetime, so it wasn't exactly a huge surprise to anyone when it happened.

The last year of her life, I didn't see or talk to her at all because of something terrible she said to my husband when he was about to deploy off to war. This also came a week after she crashed her car into 2 trees. My husband and I had always run to help her with anything she needed, and the last year, I had been so fed up with all of the drama, I just cut her out of my life completely. More importantly, to keep my daughter away from what I had grown up with.

The first couple of weeks after she died seemed to be a lot easier than now... I was wrapped up in taking care of everything to help my father, who had been married to my mother for 30 some years and stuck by her no matter what she did. I had to force myself to be strong for everyone else.

Now, I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. I have all this guilt for not being there the past year, like I could have stopped this from happening. I cry when I'm alone. Everything seems more difficult than usual. I also don't really want to be around anyone either. Before this, I kept myself surrounded by my friends, my husband and I were very close, and life seemed like it was great. The job I have is very stressful, and now going to work has become a nightmare.

I feel so alone. My husband keeps telling me that I should be over this by now, and maybe I should be... I can't talk to him about this, because he doesn't understand how I feel. He, along with many other people, didn't see my mom as being a good person. So, now it seems like my marriage is falling apart too. And honestly, if he can't be there for me when I need him the most, maybe there's no point to being married...

Along with all the emotional stress, I've been having some strange physical problems too. I've been grinding my jaw in my sleep so severely that I wake up with the worst migraines I have ever had. My left eyelid starts to twitch, and then on comes the migraine. I have only recently starting sleeping normally again.

After all the times my mom had tried to do this before, I used to think about what if she actually had accomplished it, and used to think about how I would feel. I never thought it would be this difficult. I keep blaming myself, even though rationally, I know it had nothing to do with me. I'm not really sure how to deal with all of this....

 
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Old 05-04-2009, 06:47 AM   #2
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Re: Lost my mom

snd2009
You're right,It's not your fault. Don't take the blame for what happened to your Mom. I lost my husband a little over 4 months ago. last month my mother and daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren came to visit me. I live 400 miles from all my family and have thought about moving back there since my husband passed away. But to make a long story short, when my mother visited me in March the first couple of days were great and when on the third day they were here I could tell she was getting in one of her moods. By that afternoon she jumped all over me for nothing, and then verbally attacked everyone here. Of course me and her had it out again the next morning and I told her I thought it was time for her to go. With everything I was going through I didn't hace the patience to deal with her little childish games. We didn't speak for over a month and even now it's not the same. I don't think I can ever forgive her for the way she acted. I am still struggling to get up and face another day without my husband and for her to come up here and act that way. Like I said I dont have the patience for it. She in so many words has told me that I should me over him by now. I am in greif counseling and the experts tell me that there is no magic number. Everyone deals with greif in there own way and time. My husband and i were only married 7 years but he was the best thing that ever happened to me. And for her to even think she can tell me what I should be feeling makes me mad all over again. Seek help with your emotions, you will find they are all very normal and that time is what it is going to take to deal with the loss of your mother. The hospice center here has a group that deals with suide. maybe you can check with your local hospice center there. I am going through counseling for the loss of my husband and it has really helped me. But back to my mother. I think she may be bi-polar or something else. She would never tell it if she has been dignoised with it. Or maybe she has and doesnt want us to know. she went back home and called my brother and told him all kind of lies about what happened here. Like I said I really get upset with her all over again when I think about what she did. she even wrote me a letter telling me how she felt and what she thought was wrong with me. When I responded to her letter with another letter she got ****** and called me to tell me never to contact her again. I didn't either. She contacted me about a week ago and the converstaion was very strange. I know if someting was to happen to her right now I would probally feel some guilt, even though I know she was the one in the wrong. My message to you is talk to someone that knows what you are dealing with, Get the help you need to but your life back together again
Susan

 
Old 05-04-2009, 06:55 AM   #3
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Re: Lost my mom

the taking one's life is always hardest on those left behind. I feel sad for you and most especially your Dad.

The guilt that you feel is unfounded. When someone's mind has accepted the taking of that life -- there's nothing that anyone can do to close that part back up. It not a matter of if they do it, but when. If it wasn't the day it happened it would've been another day.

If it wasn't the fact that you weren't there, it could've been when you were.

Removing yourself from the life to protect yourself and your daughter was the best thing you could do for yourself and believe it or not -- your Mom.

Hug your husband. Your feelings that if he's not there for you, what the sense in keeping the marriage is wrong -- you even stated that he was there for most of the drama and ran each time so you have a gem.

Reconnect with your family -- take a mini vacation -- feel no guilt for your Mom or how you handled it. Your mother was a sick individual and there was nothing and no one who could've stopped what happened. She carried a pain that was just so deep and wanted it to end.

Please forgive yourself -- you did nothing wrong.

 
Old 05-04-2009, 11:55 AM   #4
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Re: Lost my mom

HEY SWEETiE i KNO HOW UPSETTiNG THAT CAN BE. i CANT SAY i KNO EXACTlY HOW U FEEl BECAUSE MY MOTHER HAS NOT PASSED AWAY BUT i CAN PUT MYSElF iN UR SHOES && KNO EXACTlY HOW iT FEElS. FiRST OFF lET ME SAY iM VERY SORRY 4 UR lOSS. iT Will HEAl iN TiME iN A GOOD WAY. i SEE WHY U CUT HER OUT OF UR liFE. i WUD B SCARED 2 HAVE MY CHilD AROUND HER iF i HAD ONE AlSO. && i KNO WHAT U MEAN WEN U SAY U CANT TAlK 2 UR HUSBAND ABOUT iT BECUZ HE WONT UNDERSTAND COMPlETElY UNlESS iT HAD HAPPENED 2 HiM. iF U EVER NEED A FRiEND OR NE1 2 TAlK 2 FEEl FREE 2 WRiTE ME ON HERE i AlWAYS lOVE 2 TAlK 2 PPl WEN THEY NEED SUM1 THE MOST && RiTE NOW U NEED SUM1 2 liSTEN && UNDERSTAND. PlZ DONT BlAME URSElF. iTS NOT UR FAUlT HUN. NETiME U NEEDA liSTENiNG EAR, FEEl FREE 2 WRiTE ME

 
Old 05-06-2009, 11:46 PM   #5
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Re: Lost my mom

You never really get over missing a loved one. My dad has been gone for over 2 years and I think about him at least once a day. Your husband needs to be more supportive and stop thinking you should get over it. There are steps in grieving and you all other people is going to have to go through them cause they are human nature.

The thing about family is no matter how strange one acts you are still going to have that nature to forgive, love, and move on with them. There are types of love that never die no matter the circumstance.

 
Old 05-06-2009, 11:56 PM   #6
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Re: Lost my mom

You never really get over missing a loved one. My dad has been gone for over 2 years and I think about him at least once a day. Your husband needs to be more supportive and stop thinking you should get over it. There are steps in grieving and you like all other people is going to have to go through them cause they are human nature.

The thing about family is no matter how strange one acts you are still going to have that nature to forgive, love, and move on with them. There are types of love that never die no matter the circumstance.

 
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