Lost my mom
I lost my mom to suicide a month and a half ago. It was a very weird situation, because my mom had bipolar disorder her entire life, and could get very violent, so I was never really all that close to her. She also had many attempts throughout my lifetime, so it wasn't exactly a huge surprise to anyone when it happened.
The last year of her life, I didn't see or talk to her at all because of something terrible she said to my husband when he was about to deploy off to war. This also came a week after she crashed her car into 2 trees. My husband and I had always run to help her with anything she needed, and the last year, I had been so fed up with all of the drama, I just cut her out of my life completely. More importantly, to keep my daughter away from what I had grown up with.
The first couple of weeks after she died seemed to be a lot easier than now... I was wrapped up in taking care of everything to help my father, who had been married to my mother for 30 some years and stuck by her no matter what she did. I had to force myself to be strong for everyone else.
Now, I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. I have all this guilt for not being there the past year, like I could have stopped this from happening. I cry when I'm alone. Everything seems more difficult than usual. I also don't really want to be around anyone either. Before this, I kept myself surrounded by my friends, my husband and I were very close, and life seemed like it was great. The job I have is very stressful, and now going to work has become a nightmare.
I feel so alone. My husband keeps telling me that I should be over this by now, and maybe I should be... I can't talk to him about this, because he doesn't understand how I feel. He, along with many other people, didn't see my mom as being a good person. So, now it seems like my marriage is falling apart too. And honestly, if he can't be there for me when I need him the most, maybe there's no point to being married...
Along with all the emotional stress, I've been having some strange physical problems too. I've been grinding my jaw in my sleep so severely that I wake up with the worst migraines I have ever had. My left eyelid starts to twitch, and then on comes the migraine. I have only recently starting sleeping normally again.
After all the times my mom had tried to do this before, I used to think about what if she actually had accomplished it, and used to think about how I would feel. I never thought it would be this difficult. I keep blaming myself, even though rationally, I know it had nothing to do with me. I'm not really sure how to deal with all of this....