hi angel - the moderator removed our email adresses ... hope you at least got mine! didn't know was against policy - i did read them but clearly it didn't go in - maybe i should read the policies again?
thanks for the comforting thoughts re: brother. it doesn't really bother me most of the time but i am happy for him, he married the pastors daughter and they are a good kind loving bunch! just hurts as we are so removed from each other and with all the losses you'd think that would make us closer? we were split up as kids and been strangers ever since - he stayed with dad and is part of that family, i have always felt like an outsider so now i don't bother with them anymore ... my sister was the link and when she passed the ties broke.
yes to all the stuff about them being in a better place but we aren't ... and thats what we have ... the here, the now!
good idea about the therapist, group! if i wasn't affraid to leave the house then i might find comfort in something like that ... that is why i come here!
Thanks again for the kindness ... love the tears bridge words!
Angel
I didn't realize the email rule either, guess I skimmed the rules too fast LOL We could both go back and read them but I bet there would still be rules we would miss!
I have one brother and one sister left, my sister and I have been doing all the estate stuff, getting ready for a sale and settling things with the government. My brother is the oldest and was upset at Mom's funeral because my sister was named as executor and power of attorney. He really felt as the oldest he should get that right but that decision was made long before Dad died, he just wasn't kept informed. I guess my parents knew he would be upset, but knew that he doesn't handle death well and wouldn't be the best person for the job. There are a lot of tough decisions my sister has had to make and I wouldn't want to be in her shoes for anything. My brother and his wife have a severe drinking problem (yes, they are alcoholics), they struggle to raise their two children, and maintain their own household. My brother would love to live in the small town where my parents lived but there is only ONE thing to do in a small town and that is the last thing my parents wanted for him. As my sister said, he is a big boy and he will get over it. I don't know if we will hear much from him once the estate is settled, we barely heard from him while our parents were alive and Mom was our link to him. My sister has tried to keep in touch and especially now, keeping him informed on what is going on but he is not responding, we don't know if that is a good sign or not, only time will tell. There is a kind of anxious dread about getting things over and done with, you want it over because it is so stressful yet getting it over means finalizing the fact that they are gone. A double edged sword so to speak!
I had another rough night last night and was going to email you but realized I left your address on my desk at work I had an awful dream about my mother and I fighting, my dad was there and seemed oblivious to the whole thing or at least didn't want any part of what was going on, it was so upsetting. I was going to run away, I was going to find solitude somewhere, and was sure that she wouldn't be able to judge me anymore if I could get away. It broke my heart, and I felt the pieces falling here and there, it was a ghostly reminder that mom and I weren't close, she didn't like a lot of the choices I had made and my dream wanted me to be sure to remember that. As I sat in my rocking chair, reliving it, wanting it to be different, I was reminded of something I read or was told somewhere along the line about how the Devil wants us to live in our past, to relive our past hurts, he delights in our pain and it is only by the Grace of God that we can let those hurts go and live in the now. The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you!!
I am glad you like the saying, I have others, I will post them sometime. Thanks for listening,
I am so sorry to hear the news about your friends. That has to be very difficult for you since you've only recently lost your husband. All I can say, is when I found out my mom had only weeks to live, I spent as much time as I could with her. I helped care for her and she told me how easy I made everything for her so she could pass. While I am still very sad with her gone (it hasn't yet been three months), I am happy I could help her.
Spend time with your friends, even if you can only stay for a few minutes. I know it brought my mom comfort when her friends can came. For those that were out of state, I would call them, put them on speakerphone and I spoke for her when she couldn't. But even when she couldn't speak, she would smile when she heard their voices.
Today has been a tough day, it was four weeks ago today that she died. I can replay that day like a movie in my mind, it is so hard. I miss her so much. While I was looking around in the Christian store today I came across the perfect gift for Father's day, I thought wow, that is exactly what I would say to dad, then it hit me that he was gone too, I started to cry and had to leave. I want this hollow ache to go away, I can't sleep at night, and it's affecting my work. I find myself spacing off and letting my mind wander. I am lost but I am here, still grieving
hi angel ***BIG HUGS***
grieving is not easy ... tears come so easily sometimes but you let them out!
my dad passed in 93 and i still get the lump in my throat around fathers day (we weren't that close)
so hang in there and get yourself to a support group! you need some real ppl interaction and some real arms around you!
here for you whenever you need online support & virtual arms!
A
Thanks so much for the virtual hug! I will take any that I can get! This not sleeping thing really has me, and I was hoping for a good nights sleep to remedy it but it didn't happen so today feel even more drained. You are right I need more help but don't know if I can reach out to anyone "real", I have terrible anxiety and don't want that to act up on top of my not sleeping. I am just sad, and tired of hiding it and putting on that game face, I guess people will just have to learn with me grieving for awhile and if they don't like it, they can go somewhere else. I can't let myself push all these feelings down and not feel them like I did when my dad died. I don't really know...I just want to get through it.
hi angel ***BIG HUGS***
grieving is not easy ... tears come so easily sometimes but you let them out!
my dad passed in 93 and i still get the lump in my throat around fathers day (we weren't that close)
so hang in there and get yourself to a support group! you need some real ppl interaction and some real arms around you!
here for you whenever you need online support & virtual arms!
A
Hi Angel,
I know how you are feeling. On Friday it will be 3 months since my mom passed and on next Monday, 3 months since my dad passed. Don't surpress your feelings, whatever you do. You are right when you said that people will have to deal with you while you are grieving. I found that even colleagues at work would understand when I tear up and have to excuse myself from a meeting or casual conversation. Just let the grieving happen. If you don't it will be worse later - at least that is what I think. I haven't had to experience something like this before but from what I can gather from others on this site, if we don't grieve, it is worse.
angel - just try take it one day at a time! best thing to do!
i have lupus and take life minute by minute!
i find that sleep deprevation does make things much worse ... can your GP/Primary give you something to take the edge off? (anxiety meds, sleeping pill ???) i am not advocating a pill for everything but they definitely do help when we just can't do it by ourselves ... our bodies realease chemicals naturally that help us 'cope' and sometimes we just don't have enough so a little pill can make the world of difference ... i am not on long term meds but do 'use' them with doctors guidance when i need it. also seeing a therapist could really help you thru this process ...
***BIG BIG BIG HUG***
you have my email so if you cannot let it out face to face give me a shout ...
write it out but do try let it out! BUT sometimes 'real' ppl can really surprise us ... the biggest thing is knowing we are not alone in these feelings!
you are doing a good thing being on the board and writing about this! it makes a difference in the long term!
i had a dream about my mum & sister last night (both passed) and it has me a little teary today so i am going to analyze my dreams and see what i am working thru ... message from the sub-concious???
so another ***HUG*** and a box of kleenex ! hang tight!
It has been 2 months since I lost my mom & dad. One month since I lost my grandmother (my mom's mom).
I feel like I can't talk to friends because they don't know what to say to someone who has suffered so much loss. Plus, I don't want to burden them.
I helped my mom while she was dying from breast cancer. She told me how easy I made it for her. We lost my step-dad, suddenly, 1.5 years prior to her passing. She was ready to leave to be with him again. I told him when he died that he was supposed to take care of her for me. I realized when she was passing, that he was taking care of her. By him dying, it made it easier for her to go.
My dad died unexpectedly the day of my mom's viewing. I wasn't told about his death until the viewing's were over. He passed in his sleep and the autopsy was inconclusive. He was in the Army for 20 years. They had a salute for him and played taps. The worse part is my grandparents are still alive. It was difficult to see them mourn their son.
I was with my grandmother when she passed. She was in the hospital with pneumonia and went into renal failure. Her heart was weak due to a massive heart attack 14 years ago. She cried when she passed. I wiped her tears away when she was passing.
Some days, I am very sad. Like today - all I wanted to do was cry all day. I got up, went to work, I went out for lunch so I could cry. Then I cried on the way home.
I don't know what to expect from this website. I just feel like I need to reach out to someone. I am not married and do not have a boyfriend right now. My sister is an alcoholic and is in and out of treatment facilities. As you can imagine, grief has been hard for her to deal with.
People told me in the beginning that God loves me a lot to give me such pain. I am normally described as a "strong" person. I don't feel so strong right now.
Hi there I know how you feel. My grandma died and them mom got colon cancer 5 years later. To make things worse she had a stroke last July and is paralized and cannot speak. I know she will probably not live long and I feel like I cant live without her. I am also not married and have no family left. I have some friends but they dont understand.
everyone that is hurting right now ***GREATEST HUGS EVER***
grieving is such a personal thing that we often don't hear what people are saying and it doesn't matter what they say ... what does matter is that they are trying to say something ... trying to help you with your pain ... they know they can't but the fact that they try should matter - it does later!
i have lost a lot of ppl :father '93 luekemia, sister '02 heart failure at 32, 2 grandfathers '05 within a month of each other, mother '07 COPD, just in my immediate family ... my grieving has been on going for 16 years and it's not that it gets easier but my focus has changed and some days are easier ...
i often withdraw from life itself but then i found the meassage boards which give me a way to connect with ppl ... my virtual world is filled with support & understanding and when i cannot face anything i just don't log on ... but that is my best time to reach out and connect! it gives me hope to know that in the darkest of times emotionally i am not as alone as i feel ... i alienate people from the 'real world' even my hubby as he does not understand the loss ... it irks me when he treats life so casually as i know how short it is for some ppl but then 'the sun comes out' and i remember that all our life lessons are different and he doesn't have to live loss to feel loss ... i sometimes joke with him and say he is lucky as he has very few in laws to deal with ...
so connect where you can, draw strength from those offering it and remember as sad as it is ... life continues and we need to be a part of it sometimes! making others smile is my cure for heartache!
love you all! hang in there!
I am so sorry for your pain. I lost my sister 5 years ago in a drowning accident. My dad shortly after had a heart attack and strokes, (underwent heaert surgery) my mom had several strokes and now has very limited short term memory. My husband became very ill with hemolytic anemia (in remission now( but went through two hips replacements and spleen removal. I was injured at work and had to retire early after several surgeries and my best dearest friend of 42 years passed almost 2 years ago of pancreatic cancer.
I don't get over it, but somehow I get through it. The day my sister died, I called a "good" friend of 30 years to tell her. Her comment was "well didn't she have some problems anyway? My longterm boyfriend is here and I am serving him dinner so I am kind of busy" Whoa, this was my "friend" who thanked me for dropping everything when her husband left her? Anyway, end of that friendship.
I allow myself pity party moments and let myself cry. Sometimes a song or something will trigger the loss and I feel everything is so surreal, my loved ones can't be gone.
What helped me so much was one day a friend asked me if I wanted to go see a medium/psychic. Hmmmm well ok, reluctantly. For me it was the best thing I ever did and I have gone back now 4-5 times. This man didn't know anything about me. He was so accurate, I couldn't believe it. I left there knowing and believing our loved ones are very aware of our lives and are near us. I now say good morning. I had a dream shortly after my sister died that was so real I sat up in the middle of the night and screamed "but you're dead" She was sitting with her boyfriend who had also died in a capsized boat ten years prior to her death. The sky so blue, the grass so green. SHe looked great and quietly said "I'm fine" I have never in my life had anything like that happen and it scared me. After seeing the psychic I am convinced she did visit me. It gave me much needed peace. When I tell someone about my experiences, they either poo-poo it or are interested. I don't care. It helped.
Whatever works for you. I agree with the previous post. Allow yourself to grieve. It is a process. In time it gets easier. The first year is the toughest. The first birthday missed, the first holiday. The one thing I hang on to, is they are always alive in my memories. Somehow you will get through it.
The Following User Says Thank You to Mel52 For This Useful Post: hopefloats36 (03-26-2012)
I am so sorry for your pain. I lost my sister 5 years ago in a drowning accident. My dad shortly after had a heart attack and strokes, (underwent heaert surgery) my mom had several strokes and now has very limited short term memory. My husband became very ill with hemolytic anemia (in remission now( but went through two hips replacements and spleen removal. I was injured at work and had to retire early after several surgeries and my best dearest friend of 42 years passed almost 2 years ago of pancreatic cancer.
I don't get over it, but somehow I get through it. The day my sister died, I called a "good" friend of 30 years to tell her. Her comment was "well didn't she have some problems anyway? My longterm boyfriend is here and I am serving him dinner so I am kind of busy" Whoa, this was my "friend" who thanked me for dropping everything when her husband left her? Anyway, end of that friendship.
I allow myself pity party moments and let myself cry. Sometimes a song or something will trigger the loss and I feel everything is so surreal, my loved ones can't be gone.
What helped me so much was one day a friend asked me if I wanted to go see a medium/psychic. Hmmmm well ok, reluctantly. For me it was the best thing I ever did and I have gone back now 4-5 times. This man didn't know anything about me. He was so accurate, I couldn't believe it. I left there knowing and believing our loved ones are very aware of our lives and are near us. I now say good morning. I had a dream shortly after my sister died that was so real I sat up in the middle of the night and screamed "but you're dead" She was sitting with her boyfriend who had also died in a capsized boat ten years prior to her death. The sky so blue, the grass so green. SHe looked great and quietly said "I'm fine" I have never in my life had anything like that happen and it scared me. After seeing the psychic I am convinced she did visit me. It gave me much needed peace. When I tell someone about my experiences, they either poo-poo it or are interested. I don't care. It helped.
Whatever works for you. I agree with the previous post. Allow yourself to grieve. It is a process. In time it gets easier. The first year is the toughest. The first birthday missed, the first holiday. The one thing I hang on to, is they are always alive in my memories. Somehow you will get through it.
mel, thankyou so much for this post. i lost my parents. but my biggest loss was my son 10 years ago.he was 26. he committed sucidide. till this day I have not closures on his dealth. he did do drugs. but at the time . he was clean. just a good kid. he loved life. at least we thought he did. last think he said to me was Mom I love you. then this pass Nov. i lost the love of my life. we where been married 40 years Feb 14. we where and Im still a young person in heart. im trying to get my life together. thats what my precious would want me to do. iv prayed and prayed for dreams. iv had a few but not enough. the last 6 weeks of my husband. he talked about Wally our son. and the night before he sat up in bed and which out and called out Wally. and my baby girl which is 27 had a dream about a train station and Wally was coming to her but 2 men stop him and took him away. and at that momeant thats when Walt my husband sat up in bed and called Wally. and it woke my daughter up. and the next morning Walt ask her about the train station. how did he know to ask that. we are holding on to Wally came to take him that night but Wally told him not yet dad. you need to talk to mom and Jessica . he had not talk that day but mumble. and the next day he talked so clear for 4 hours and then he went into a coma. and that night Jessica was holding his hand and the other on his heart. and he stop breathing. peacefully. well im crying so hard. but its a beautiful bitter sweet story. and it will always be in my memories. and noone will ever take it away. thankyou for listening. take care faye disney world
"i lost my parents. but my biggest loss was my son 10 years ago.he was 26. he committed sucidide. till this day I have not closures on his dealth. he did do drugs. but at the time . he was clean. just a good kid. he loved life. at least we thought he did. last think he said to me was Mom I love you."
I think there is always that guilt, could there have been something I could have done to prevent this? I have found usually the answer is no. A young child perhaps, but an adult makes choices, and sometimes they choose to hide their pain in order to not hurt anyone. I don't think they realize how much they hurt the ones they leave behind, they are just trying to escape their own pain. The what ifs and the if onlys really have no value now, it is what it is and now it is important to focus on the good memories and hold those last words, I love you close to your heart. He wasn't mad at you, he wanted you to know he cared very much, the drugs messed up his reasoning. It's a tough battle getting off them. Look at the famous people who still are addicted in spite of spending huge bucks for rehab.
Don't try so hard to connect. When you feel like your son or your parents are there in a fleeting moment say hello. I always felt my biological dad was around me from when I was a little girl. I actually talked to him in my thoughts and thought it was normal until I was an adult. I never told anyone because I didn't know what to think.
When I saw the psychic, he said I had two dads and it was ok. (He didn't know my dad had died) My dad is around me and is showing a newspaper. What is the meaning of that? (My dad was an entertainment reporter) He said my dad sees the picture of me on a horse. A few months before my best friend had died. In honor of her, her family and I took her horses out for a ride around the arena. Her husband took a picture of me on her mare and sent it to me. I printed it out and have it here on my desk. Well how the heck did the psychic know that? Anyway, as I said before I totally believe all of this. I could go on and on about the experiences. The psychic even described what my sister looked like and said she was standing next to me. It keeps me going strong, most of the time, knowing they are so aware and still with us. I just selfishly want them here as we are. It isn't going to happen. That are the terms I am learning to accept.
I had an awful dream about my mother and I fighting, my dad was there and seemed oblivious to the whole thing or at least didn't want any part of what was going on, it was so upsetting. I was going to run away, I was going to find solitude somewhere, and was sure that she wouldn't be able to judge me anymore if I could get away. It broke my heart, and I felt the pieces falling here and there, it was a ghostly reminder that mom and I weren't close, she didn't like a lot of the choices I had made and my dream wanted me to be sure to remember that. As I sat in my rocking chair, reliving it, wanting it to be different, I was reminded of something I read or was told somewhere along the line about how the Devil wants us to live in our past, to relive our past hurts, he delights in our pain and it is only by the Grace of God that we can let those hurts go and live in the now. The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you!!
I know how you feel. My grandma died and them mom got colon cancer 5 years later. To make things worse she had a stroke last July and is paralized and cannot speak. I know she will probably not live long and I feel like I cant live without her. I am also not married and have no family left. I have some friends but they dont understand.
