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Old 05-19-2009, 05:10 PM   #1
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Grieving Multiple Losses

It has been 2 months since I lost my mom & dad. One month since I lost my grandmother (my mom's mom).

I feel like I can't talk to friends because they don't know what to say to someone who has suffered so much loss. Plus, I don't want to burden them.

I helped my mom while she was dying from breast cancer. She told me how easy I made it for her. We lost my step-dad, suddenly, 1.5 years prior to her passing. She was ready to leave to be with him again. I told him when he died that he was supposed to take care of her for me. I realized when she was passing, that he was taking care of her. By him dying, it made it easier for her to go.

My dad died unexpectedly the day of my mom's viewing. I wasn't told about his death until the viewing's were over. He passed in his sleep and the autopsy was inconclusive. He was in the Army for 20 years. They had a salute for him and played taps. The worse part is my grandparents are still alive. It was difficult to see them mourn their son.

I was with my grandmother when she passed. She was in the hospital with pneumonia and went into renal failure. Her heart was weak due to a massive heart attack 14 years ago. She cried when she passed. I wiped her tears away when she was passing.

Some days, I am very sad. Like today - all I wanted to do was cry all day. I got up, went to work, I went out for lunch so I could cry. Then I cried on the way home.

I don't know what to expect from this website. I just feel like I need to reach out to someone. I am not married and do not have a boyfriend right now. My sister is an alcoholic and is in and out of treatment facilities. As you can imagine, grief has been hard for her to deal with.

People told me in the beginning that God loves me a lot to give me such pain. I am normally described as a "strong" person. I don't feel so strong right now.

 
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Old 05-20-2009, 07:35 AM   #2
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Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

im so sorry for your loss. you do sound like a strong person. but i feel the pain in you. im also told im a strong person. I lost my hubby of 40 years 6 months ago. we had a beautiful home of 30 years and it was forclosure on us. because once he was diagnose with lung cancer the money stop. we had savings and i sold my antiques and my beautiful babe grand piano. im now in an apartmeant. but i feel so blessed. also I lost my only son through sucidide. and my baby girl which is 27 admitted herself in the hospital last week for panic attach and now she is finally talking and getting help. her dad was her best friend and she just cant handle him being gone. so , sweetie we all appear to be strong to others but in our hearts we feel helpless. just keep talking if not to people. to yourself. you have had some hard times. but with gods help and helping ourselves we will make it through this. post me anytime. love faye disney world

 
Old 05-21-2009, 06:35 PM   #3
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Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

I am very sorry for your losses. How long has it been? Does it get easier? I often wonder how I'm going to adapt to my new reality. The worse part is when I want to call one of them to tell them something. Then I realize, they aren't there.

 
Old 05-22-2009, 11:03 AM   #4
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Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

6 months for my hubby. and 10 years for my son. and yes it will get better with time. but no you want ever get over it. and they are worth every tear we shed for them. hang in there and keep talking. love faye disney world

 
Old 05-22-2009, 11:46 AM   #5
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Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

heatherh - I'm so sorry for all your losses.....that's just too much to go through all at once. Stick around, I think you will find some comfort here. Everyone is here for you, you are not a burden. Keep posting, keep talking about your feelings, it helps. You're not alone.

 
Old 05-22-2009, 02:51 PM   #6
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Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

I am truly sorry for your losses. And yes, in time it does get better. I lost 4 family members in a short period of time and I felt I never grieved properly. It has been over 20 years and I still think of my mom and dad, brother in law and father in law. But the good part is, is that very few tears are shed these days, I smile more now when I think of them and the good times. You have to be good to yourself, you need to make "YOU" time. We all handle loss in different ways, so never let someone tell you how you should feel. Just go with it and don't fight the feelings, the more you do, the harder it is. I was told once by a therapist....You morn a certain amount of time....but you grieve the rest of your life. But it dosn't mean that it is a gut wrenching grief, I know it is said so many times, but it is true, time does heal all wounds. I just learned not to keep pulling the scab off. : ) I am new here, but I think you will find great serenity and peace, it looks like everyone here are kind and caring. So just keep posting, we are here for you!

Take it a day at a time.

Hugs,
Anna

 
Old 05-25-2009, 04:24 PM   #7
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Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

Thank you for the kind words. Right now, I am feeling like I want to be alone. I don't want to surround myself with people. This weekend, I went to the Yankees game and the beach by myself. I feel like I want to be alone with my thoughts and I don't want others to interfere with those thoughts. I'm not sure if anyone else has felt this way during the mourning process.

I read recently that for 1 year after a loss, major decisions in life should not be decided. I'm not sure if that is why I feel like I want to be alone. Maybe because I can talk to my mom while I am alone and not feel weird? When I was walking on the beach today, I was speaking to her. Yet - I didn't feel sad. I did feel like I missed her.

 
Old 05-27-2009, 09:42 PM   #8
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Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

I am so sorry for your losses, I too have suffered losses in the past 4 years and find myself seemingly apathetic. I have never shared like this before but thought if nothing else it can't hurt right? I'd like to start with 11 years ago (1998), just before Christmas, my mother and I had a huge fight over a very trivial thing. She had asked me to convince my dad to buy her a table for Christmas, I tried to stay out of it but found myself telling my dad that I really didn't care for it, I thought it was uncomfortable and just wasn't "user" friendly but I also said if it is what she wants and it makes her happy then I would get it. But she didn't hear the latter part because she stomped off fuming after hearing the first part. I called to see how things were going a few days later and she told me I had ruined her life. She said that I was not welcome in her life any more and she didn't want to see me or my children ever again. She wouldn't answer my calls after that and when we stopped by at Christmas on our way to the in laws she went to her room and wouldn't even see any of us. My children were 9, 7, and 6 at the time. I felt like I lost them then, I stayed away and they stayed away and I grieved and went into a deep depression, was suicidal for awhile but made it through. I went through a horrible divorce three years(2001) after losing them and continued on with my life with no help or contact from them. Two years later(2003), my current husband came into my life and encouraged me to contact them, to fix our problems. I did and I was there to help my dad through my mother's first diagnosis of colon cancer. I had two years of holidays with him before he passed away of a stroke in 2005. I wanted more time, I felt cheated and angry at my mother for taking him away from me, I lost him all over again. Then to make matters worse I had to step up and become mom's financial adviser, it was hard to get past the hurts that were still there, she seemed to have no memory of them and what she did remember was not her doing, she remembered closeness that wasn't there and love that wasn't felt. I endured it by the grace of God and found myself fighting the depression again. Two weeks after my dad died my mother was diagnosed with liver cancer and she had surgery to remove the tumor. They were sure they got it all but she went through the chemo for a year and was left "cancer free" at her first check up. I was at her beck and call dropping everything whenever she needed help, even though being around her broke my heart because I couldn't seem to broach the hurts she had caused and get resolution for them. All of 2006 she spent cancer free until her final (12th month)appointment in 2007, when they told her the cancer was back and this time in her lungs and terminal. They told her that she had a year to 4 years left so she spent the next year doing everything as if it were her last, her last Christmas, her last birthday etc. I lost the job I had for 8 years in 2008 and I was so depressed and I needed someone to be there for me but she was waiting to die and too busy to worry about what I had done to get fired. I distanced myself again because her comments about my losing my job brought back hurt that I thought I had overcome but obviously didn't. Her year anniversary passed and she was angry, she was ready to die, had been waiting for it for a year and nothing, she had another Christmas but in her mind she was already gone, she didn't enjoy anything anymore. It was hard to be around her but I did my best, she started getting worse in April but that was the anniversary of me losing my job and I did not handle that well, then the hospice people called and said decisions need to be made. I was there I went on May 7th I stepped in and took care of her for 24 hours a day, my sister came on the 9th and said she was putting mom in a home, that we couldn't take care of her like this. Sunday I spent with my family and Monday went back to work, I went to visit her on Monday night and she was completely out of it on morphine. They had increased her dosage to keep her completely relaxed, she couldn't wake up, and I needed her to. The next morning they called at 7 am and said she was slipping, I was there within the hour and within an hour later she died. I was standing at the foot of her bed watching her, slowly breathing and pausing, each time you thought "Oh God" but then she would take another breath until finally she didn't. It was the single most beautiful, saddest thing I will ever experience. I don't know if she loved me, I don't know if she considered me her child again, I don't know why she made me feel like she did. I feel so lost, so emotionless, even as I write this, I can't cry, I want to cry but I can't. Am I disrespecting her by not grieving? What is wrong with me? She left so quickly all I can do is pray that she never meant to make me feel unloved and unwanted, that deep down she loved me and enjoyed me being in her life. If she didn't, how can anyone love me? Who wants to be with someone their own mother didn't want? Sighs, I'm sorry about this rambling post, I am seeking solace and I am ashamed to admit these things to the "real" people in my life, I am so afraid they won't understand and besides, I have always been better at expressing myself through written word. Thank you my online people, I know you are real out there somewhere, but it is comforting to let it all out isn't it?

Take care, thanks for listening,

 
Old 05-28-2009, 06:35 AM   #9
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Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

CTWsAngel

Your story shows that no good deed goes with evedropping on someone's conversation. It should've been your Dad to tell her she didn't hear the whole story, etc. But that's water under the bridge.

Your mother did love you. You have to know that. You need to love someone to let them hurt you even when that hurt is all in one's mind. My mother love me, yet she beat me with wooden sticks, belts, paddles, and her hands and later her fists. She'd pull my hair, slap my face, etc. She hit me in front of my friends and my sister and sometimes my beatings came from my sister getting her mad. But my sister was her 'good seed' and I was the 'bad seed'. All I did was make a mistake with being born. I came 2 years after she almost died from a horrible head-on car accident where she had a broken pelvis, broken legs and a broken back. Why she conceived again, I have no idea. I do know that they tried to adopt through Catholic Charities but back in the 50's , they were turned down because they were not of the same
religion.

I can understand as an adult to the fact that she must have had immense pain giving birth to me and the recovery after the accident. I guess even though they knock them out at the time during birth, she still carried such anger over me and the fact I was Daddy's little girl really irritated her.

I separated myself emotionally from her during her decline in dementia. I chose instead to not cause as much choas between my sister and I while my sister chose to be her caregiver.

But I know even through her hate, she loved me enough to give me life. For that I would be grateful. I met wonderful people throughout my life; people who accepted me for my faults and my strengths. I had crooked teeth and my mother (and apparently my father) for some reason chose not to do anything about them all my life so I was taunted, teased, and made to feel unworthy and ugly. But my girlfriend's mother was the one to tell me how beautiful I was and made me feel worth-while.

sorry I ranted but your post brought up so much memories.

We must be grateful to the good times we both had with our mothers and know they loved us enough to give us life. I was able to marry and have two great kids. I now loss my Father in '95, my father-in-law in '96, my husband in '05 and my mother in '09.

 
Old 05-28-2009, 09:11 AM   #10
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Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

sob-SOB-sob! sniff-sniff!
i have tears running down my face ... i sometimes cannot stand the pain and often feel so alone that i wish i was ... dead (i'm married & still feel this way)

lost dad in 93 luekemia ... wasn't that close which really hurt.
sister in 2002 (heart valve exploded - she went to sleep on her 32 birthday and died on the way to the hospital at 4h20 - i still cannot forgive myself as i didn't go see her on her last birthday - don't know why, we were getting close again after being seperated as kids)
2003 lost both grandfathers within a month of each other (dx with PTSD)
lost some good friends along the way
mum passed in 2007 from COPD trying to forgive myself for being so self absorbed and missing the signs ... i made her go to hospital and she never made it out and i wasn't there when she passed ... i was at home trying to get the strength to deal with this ... it is still so surreal and i still struggle with it. i left home at 16 and was trying to rebuild the relationship ... )
my step mom lost her brother & mother last year.

Now they are gone! especially hard around their favourite times of the year

Altho time passes the wounds remain tender ...
i am sooo tired of hearing 'you are a strong person' ...
to quote a favourite song ... i'm only strong on the surface, not all the way thru (my surface has been shattered and i am trying to find some pieces to put back together again!)

 
Old 05-29-2009, 09:04 PM   #11
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Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

Angel MJ, So sorry for your losses, I know what you mean about being a strong person, I am sick of hearing how well I am handling things as well and have many regrets as to the distance my parents and I had between us, remember, hindsight is always twenty twenty. Leave out all the rest by Linkin Park, I love that song for that very line. I think it is best you feel how you feel and try to surround yourself with people who understand that grieving is a process not an one day event. There will be good days and bad ahead, don't focus on either just remember that there were good days and behind in your past and they will get you through. Cry when you feel like crying and don't feel that you can't let anyone see...that is a mistake I make all too often (probably why everyone thinks I am so strong ) I will keep you in my prayers, offer your sorrow to Him and talk to Him, I find it is very comforting. Count your blessings and if you need to talk, I am here for you!

 
Old 05-29-2009, 09:17 PM   #12
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Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

Caring Sister,

Thank you so much for understanding, I thought I was surely the only person out there that felt like their mother didn't love them. You said your only fault was being born, my God I have believed that all my life, I was born with pulmonic stenosis and my Mother was very sick with jaundice, I always thought she hated me because I was sick and made her sick. I cost them so much money in having to have heart surgery and I think she resented me for that. I can't count on both hands how many times she told me she wished I hadn't been born.

I was at Mom's this past few days and had a family friend tell me how much she used to talk about me and my children, how she bragged about us and was soo proud and loved us sooo much. I was so angry, I drove to the cemetary and cursed her for not letting me in on how she felt, why didn't she realize I NEEDED to hear that?

I keep hoping she will come to me in a dream and tell me she loves me and that she is sorry...I can't guarantee that it would really bring me comfort but in some small way I think it would help.

Thank you so much for responding to my post and for sharing part of your story with me, I look forward to future postings.

I will keep you in my prayers, take care and God Bless.

 
Old 05-30-2009, 09:55 PM   #13
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Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

I do understand. I understand all too well. As a product of abuse, I'm testimony that there are numerous forms of abuse; physical, emotional, or mental.

I happened to have had the physical and the emotional. I can't remember when it started but I can remember it.

But as I said, the thing that sustained me as a young teen and adult was knowing that in between all the hitting and yelling was someone who did love me in her own way. I did have good times with my mother. She knew I loved Nancy Drews and purchased them as part of my Christmas gifts for many years. When Elizabeth Taylor was having the affair with Eddie Fisher and was so maligned in the newspaper, i remember telling my mother that I wanted to invite Debbie Reynolds to come and hide out in our home from all the press, and she said 'ok, write the letter and I'll mail it". While I don't think that she ever mailed it, she didn't squash my dream.

So there were good times with my mother and her spaghetti gravy was beyond belief and was thick enough to stand a spoon up in it.

I'm sure there will be good memories that come up but we can't forget the bad can we? I told my mother, when my husband told me to finally confront her about the abuse "I said to her, while I can never forget, I could forgive because I now understand a lot more". She never said she was sorry because she always said 'I don't have to apologize because I'm your mother".

oh well, I wanted to add to it and let you know that you are not walking this earth alone. Others may not talk about it as openly but those walking around could probably tell stories again.

 
Old 05-30-2009, 10:23 PM   #14
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Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

hey caringsister. see you are up. Im having insomnia. feel so alone today. a friene of mine was told she has 1 month to 2 live. and last week . her husband was told he had lest than 2 months to live. and its really got to me. since its been 6 months since Walt , my hubbby has pass. been there all day with her. she looks so good. but yesterday. they say she wouldnt make it through Sunday. so scaring to me. i feel like this is my breaking point. cant bear to lose someone else I love now. disney world

 
Old 05-31-2009, 04:53 AM   #15
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Re: Grieving Multiple Losses

Disney

I'm sorry honey for what you are going through. Its a sad fact but it is the devine plan for life. Its called a circle. You have to do me and yourself a favor.

Right now all you can see is the sadness around you. When something bad happens to someone or to people known, all someone can see then is bad. Just like when you're not a couple anymore, you see only the couples in the world. When you're trying to get pregnant all you see are pregnant people.
You become sensitized.

So, I want you to look around the world you live in and look for good. It will balance the other stuff and you can get through this. Sometimes its more challenging to find the good but I assure you its out there.

Does this couple have family? Its strange that both are going so fast, do they live or came in contact with contamination -- like through water or whatever. If so, get video testimony taken now so it can be used as any court case for the estate. Its a shame but you have to take comfort in the fact that both will be together in heaven and one doesn't have to walk the earth alone for any length of time after the passing of the first.

My sincere prayers are with you friend but you've got to look for good in the world and surround yourself by God's goodness so you're not overwhelmed emotionally by the grief. Unfortunately for me, when my Mikey was suffering so, I was okay in dealing with it and him because it was my life's commitment but when he died my sister mistakenly took it that I'd have more time for my mother and her. I knew my mother was getting worse and my sister was paddling the river of De-Nile and it made things more difficult. As hard as it was for me, I couldn't go into that ship with them. Emotionally I couldn't do anything more than stand on the outside and stroke sister with positives and emotional support as the illness got worse.

Take Care. I went to bed shortly after writing so I didn't see your note until this morning. I'm not on the computer all day long. I go on, do something and shut down.

 
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