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Old 09-15-2009, 10:37 PM   #1
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I lost my beloved Husband of 34 yrs 5 weeks ago

I lost my precious husband 41 days ago and I am so lost and lonely. The pain is unbearable. He had fought a terminal Illness for 11 yrs and even though I know he is at peace now I feel no peace for my self from that. I have cried for 41 days now, I am so lost, we were high school sweethearts. I have spent my entire life with him, I met him when I was just a young girl of 14 and had been with him ever since. It was love at first sight for both of us. We shared an amazing life together. I miss him so much, I will never forget the night he passed, the look on his face and his last breaths are an image burned into my memory forever. Everytime I think about it I just break down. My life is falling apart and nothing is ever going to be the same again. I dont know what to do with my self, I have lost all desire to do anything, I dont even want to leave my house. Nothing is going to be normal again, I dont even know what normal is now. I cant sleep and if I do I have dreams, I wake up crying and so alone. I have never been apart from him and I dont know how to get thru this. When am I going to stop crying, when will I find me again, I am so lost and I feel part of me died with him. My heart is breaking and everyone just keeps telling me how strong I am and time will make it better. I had no choice to be strong for him while he was Ill , it was the only way to keep him from getting depressed and I was determined to make him as happy and comfortable as he could be for whatever time he had left. So now everyone still thinks Im that strong person and I dont feel strong at all, I feel like Im drowning in sorrow, all I want to do is cry all day and nite, I have no appetite, I dont care to comb my hair or put on makeup anymore. I just go thru the motions of the day, I feel like a lead weight is holding me down, its so hard to get off the couch. I have to force myself to do anything. How am I ever going to get over the loss of my soulmate.

 
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Old 09-16-2009, 09:07 PM   #2
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Re: I lost my beloved Husband of 34 yrs 5 weeks ago

Im new to this site. How do I view any responses?

 
Old 09-17-2009, 07:33 PM   #3
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Re: I lost my beloved Husband of 34 yrs 5 weeks ago

Dear dask27,

My heart goes out to you. I also lost my husband of almost 34 years of marriage six months ago yesterday. I have felt everything that you are now feeling so please know that you are not alone. I understand the pain you are going through and know how your heart aches. I know your pain is raw, deep, real and can be unbearable.

He was my rock and my strength. Now I must find a "new normal" and a purpose for my life as I know you must do also. Please give yourself time to grieve. It's only been 5 weeks. It may seem like you can't go on but you can. Sometimes one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. Continue to go through the motions. It's O.K. Try to focus on the good memories you have of your wonderful husband and the 34 years you had together.

I just felt I needed to let you know that I understand your pain. It's so very real and also very normal.

Blessings,
Nanax5

 
Old 09-18-2009, 01:56 PM   #4
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Re: I lost my beloved Husband of 34 yrs 5 weeks ago

Thank You so much nanax5. You are absolutely right on, it is very raw and real and the pain is sometimes more than i can bear. Im sorry to hear about your loss as well. I completely understand as my husband was my rock as well. I have no idea what normal is now or what my purpose is. The only saving grace and source of Joy I can find right now is my precious 5 month old granddaughter. We so estatic to become grandparents to our first grandchild and she is the only reason I can smile at all right now. When she is not around my saddness just consumes me. I thought I wanted the rollercoaster we were on to stop but now im so lost without it, it was such a way of life for so many yrs. Thank again for your kind words and understanding.

 
Old 09-18-2009, 04:13 PM   #5
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Re: I lost my beloved Husband of 34 yrs 5 weeks ago

Dask & Nana,
I too lost my husband of 36 years. He passed away almost 3 years ago. It will be 3 years Nov. 13. It does get better, but never the same. Every year about this time I start with my melancholy and sadness. I have cried every night this week and still miss him terribly, but I know this will pass and I will keep moving on. It is so fresh and new for both of you and you must give yourself permission to feel what you feel. You have lost your companion that was with you for longer than your parents were. Know that there are others here that know what you're going through and please come here anytime for support and understanding. Take care and stay in touch (((((((Hugs))))))))

 
Old 09-19-2009, 10:43 AM   #6
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Re: I lost my beloved Husband of 34 yrs 5 weeks ago

RudiRaven, Thank You so much for your encouraging words. Im terribly worried about the upcoming holidays, it has been tradition that it was always held at our house and last year after his transplant we had the most wonderful holiday season thinking all was safe again and now he is gone and I just dont know what to do. I cant decide if I want or am able to continue the tradition, Im so worried I will fall to pieces and ruin everyones time. Its still so raw and our Anniversary is coming in October as well so I fear the next few months are going to be very stressfull and emotional.
I am sorry to hear of your loss and deeply appreciate your time and concern. I am so lost as how to move forward and what to do with the rest of my life now. I just cant imagine the rest of my life without my soulmate and best friend I ever had.

 
Old 09-21-2009, 03:24 PM   #7
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Re: I lost my beloved Husband of 34 yrs 5 weeks ago

Dask,

For the upcoming holidays you do whatever feels tolerable for you. If you think you'd like to continue the tradition then ask some family members to help you. If it just feels too overwhelming then skip this year or go to someone else's home. You have absolute permission to do whatever you want to do, even if it's stay home and cry all day. Do try to be around some loved ones, however, at least for a little while. They will want to help you and don't worry about ruining anyone's holidays. This is all part of grieving and healing. It takes time and everyone deals with it in their own way. Don't compare yourself to others or let someone tell you how you should feel. Hang in there and come here anytime just to talk. ((((Hugs))))

 
Old 09-22-2009, 10:54 PM   #8
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Re: I lost my beloved Husband of 34 yrs 5 weeks ago

Thank You Rudi, it is a comfort knowing Im not alone in this and I will take your advice to heart. I just cant make any decisions yet about the holidays. The Kids are asking me what I want to do but I just dont know. I have been with my beloved since I was 14 yrs old and never have spent a holiday without him and it overwhelms to think about it. I have a new granddaughter, my first and only, and she will be 9 months old at christmas. I feel like I need to do it for her but making commitments just seems so hard right now...I have made a few commitments like going to dinner or visiting and I back out at the last minute. Just going into town is hard for me, I dont want to run into anyone as its still to painful to talk about and its a small town and I know so many people. I just dont know how Im going to get past this and or how to begin a new life and what the heck is normal now. I talk him to daily and pray for guidence and strength but as far as figuring out what normal is ???? Right now normal is crying and lonliness.

 
Old 09-23-2009, 05:30 AM   #9
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Re: I lost my beloved Husband of 34 yrs 5 weeks ago

Quote:
Originally Posted by dask27 View Post
Thank You Rudi, it is a comfort knowing Im not alone in this and I will take your advice to heart. I just cant make any decisions yet about the holidays. The Kids are asking me what I want to do but I just dont know. I have been with my beloved since I was 14 yrs old and never have spent a holiday without him and it overwhelms to think about it. I have a new granddaughter, my first and only, and she will be 9 months old at christmas. I feel like I need to do it for her but making commitments just seems so hard right now...I have made a few commitments like going to dinner or visiting and I back out at the last minute. Just going into town is hard for me, I dont want to run into anyone as its still to painful to talk about and its a small town and I know so many people. I just dont know how Im going to get past this and or how to begin a new life and what the heck is normal now. I talk him to daily and pray for guidence and strength but as far as figuring out what normal is ???? Right now normal is crying and lonliness.
to everyone. im right there with you. i lost my husband 10 months ago. Valentines Day was our 40th annivarsary. i went through all the holidays without him. i cry everyday. only think that I can say is. we lost our only son 10 years ago through sucidide. i thought i would die. but hey I didnt. and now going without my hubby my best friend and lover. i will also make it . we lost our house last year through forclosure because once he got lung cancer Sept. 2007. he was a civil engineer the money stop. we have savings . i sold alot of my antiques, gun collections etc. but you cant sell but so much. we made it. and now im living in an apartmeant. i feel blessed though. keep telling myself dont think about things we had. be glad with what we got. iv cried for 10 years now. every day. but not all day. get yourself up and start taking care of yourself. thats what our love ones wants us to do. im know its so hard. and also people keeps telling me im so strong .but on the inside like you, im dying and yes forever my son and hubby will always be in my heart. i donated hubby to science. i believe in this. research so maybe it can help our future people. im crying so hard now for yall. we all grieve differenly. but the bottom line here. we have lost our best friend, our soulmate. so my heart goes out to you. think about this. they dont want us to be unhappy . we mourn and with me thats got a little better. but we will grieve forever. i talk to my son and hubby everyday. and the night my hubby pass. he sat up in bed and which out to Wally. my son. he talked about him alot the last 6 weeks on hospice. and that was bittersweet to me. so hang in there friends. and post and keep in touch. a friend in North Carolina, disney world faye

 
Old 09-24-2009, 04:32 PM   #10
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Re: I lost my beloved Husband of 34 yrs 5 weeks ago

Im so sorry to hear of your losses, and I deeply appreciate your thoughts and encouraging words. Our Anniversary is coming up on the 23rd of Oct. and Its going to be a very sad day for me. I pray I can get thru this and with Gods help and all of you that respond and care and being blessed with my angel of a 5 month granddaughter is what Im relying on. I never thought Id be widowed at such an early age, I mean really 49 is not old, he was 51 when he passed. He died because he was a hero, he was a sergeant in the Dept. of Corrections and about 10 yrs ago he got into an altercation with a very large inmate who was attacking two of his officers and he jumped in and saved them both and subdued the inmate but not before there was blood to blood contact with the inmate and unknown to him or us, the inmate had Hep C. My husband became sick a few yrs later, had a liver transplant that gave him an extra yr with us but unfortunately the illness came back in a very agressive way and took him away from me and my boys.
He was always my Hero as well but I wish he had not been at that place at that moment, I am glad he saved the officers but it cost him his own life later. He was such a good man and didnt deserve to die so young or in this manner. He was Hero to his dying breath in my arms.

 
Old 11-03-2009, 11:01 PM   #11
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Re: I lost my beloved Husband of 34 yrs 5 weeks ago

I lost my husband of 22 years, 3 & 1/2 weeks ago. Our youngest son is a senior in high school this year, my other sons age 20 & 25 are both still at home & in college.
I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now, he was in ICU for 5 weeks with Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrone (had never even heard of this), I knew that some people don't survive, their lungs don't heal. But I was sure he was too strong, too in control, too smart, to die. Boy was I wrong.
The only way I've survived so far is one minute at a time.....I make NO plans, I put one foot in front of the other, minute by minute, day by day.
I don't want to leave the house but I don't want to stay either, walking the floors. Everybody tells me it'll get easier with time.....I don't even know if I want it to get better. He was my whole world, my best friend, my boys Dad, my husband, my soulmate.
The nights are the worst, kids all in their rooms, and I'm downstairs alone.
I've worked a little bit this week, I have a friend that's kept me busy potting plants from the funeral, etc..., and spending time with my kids during the day.
If your grandchild is all that will make you smile, then spend as much time as you can with your grandchild. Your husband sounds like he was also a wonderful husband and dad that loved his family and you, he wouldn't want you to be so miserable (although I don't know how they would ever think we could be anything but miserable).
Every minute you smile, is one minute that you don't hurt so bad. And 49 is not old, I'm 48, somehow we have to move on.............

 
Old 11-05-2009, 06:09 PM   #12
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Re: I lost my beloved Husband of 34 yrs 5 weeks ago

My heart goes out to you. I truely understand where you are coming from. Its been 3 months today and as of yet time hasnt made anything better but I guess its still too soon. I totally agree about the nights being the hardest, when we are alone our thoughts go wild and the memories flood. The only thing I can tell you is to try and keep busy at night as well..do crafts, talk on the phone, play on computer, whatever it takes. I've been on line surveys at nite, it passes the time. I use to be an early bird but now I cant get to sleep until the very wee hours of the morning. It took me over 6 weeks to get back into our bedroom. It was just too lonely in there and as of yet I havent changed a thing or packed away any of his belongings. Dont know if I will ever be able to do that. Talking to people helps so dont isolate yourself, i know its very hard to leave home, it was for me and still is at times, but I've realized it is easier to stay as busy as possible, the busier I am the less time I have to dwell on the pain and loneliness. Surround yourself with what makes you happy and occupied. Best wishes to you and my prayers go out to you. May the lord bless you and help with this new transition.

 
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