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Old 09-21-2009, 09:23 PM   #1
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I lost my girlfriend and love of my life

I do not really know how to start, I guess I should start with Nicole. We met in a college math class a little over a year and a half ago now. We became friends and I was interested in her from the beginning but unfortunately she was already seeing someone at the time. The semester ended and we drifted our ways until this February we found ourselves sharing another math class, differential equations this time. I saw her the first day of class and was happy and excited to see her again, I remember thinking to myself "She's still probably seeing someone else" but I decided I wanted to enjoy her company anyhow and sat next to her and said hello. Soon as class fell underway we began doing homework together in a group of friends and then eventually just ourselves together and I learned she was available and had ended her previous relationship over winter break. Armed with that knowledge we soon began dating in the month of April. I had never found someone that I had ever connected with so much and so quickly, and I do not say this simply because of the grief, I remember lying next to her and being amazed that I could feel so much for a person. I had never encountered something like this before. I had never been that happy before, and the best part was knowing how happy I could make her. We talked so much I racked up over a 200$ phone bill in May and had to change my plan so I could add her for unlimited talking. Never once did I not enjoy talking to her I loved it every time, I was always excited to talk to her, I remember her asking if she called too much and from that point I tried to make sure I called more often so she didn't feel that way. I was so happy. We made out a bucket list to finish this summer and had plans to try a 3day cruise at the end of August to finish out the summer. Neither of us had ever been on a cruise and it sounded like a great time. On July 16th I "surprised" ( I tried anyhow) her at her work, brought her favorite flowers (sunflowers), and a poem which I began to write on her car with an expo marker, (something I would do while school was in session was leave her little notes on her car). She saw me from her office window and caught me in the middle of writing the poem across the window of her car. She had gotten back from the field (She worked for the forestry department) early it was only about 3:15 and she usually didnt make it back until 4-4:30. After mocking my efforts, she brought me into her work and introduced me to some of her coworkers and we chatted for a bit while she finished up some last minute work and then took a shower at the office. That was our 3 month anniversary date. It was about 3:55 when we left the office and agreed to get some sushi for dinner before she went to meet her mother for a cake baking class she was taking. It was just up the street maybe 15minutes or so. We walked out towards the parking lot and she asked to drive my car, I had a Jeep Liberty and it was typical when we were driving both cars for her to want to drive mine. As usual I tossed her the keys, and we got on our way. She called me as we were driving out on the surface street to tease me, that was the last time I spoke to her, I just laughed and said goodbye and turned onto the freeway. A few minutes on the freeway I kept looking in my rear view mirror knowing I should see her behind me. I typically drive faster than her and I knew she got stopped by the light but I still thought I should see her behind me. I shrugged and kept driving to the sushi restaurant. I arrived at about 4:25 and waited for her. After waiting 10minutes or so I tried to call her and got no answer, and then sent her a a text at 4:37 asking what was up. 4:42 I sent another text to please call me. So I called her twice more and left a couple messages. It was very unlike her to not answer her phone. I thought she might have left her phone in her car, so I called the phone while searching the car and found nothing. I waited maybe another 30-45minutes after that and I began to get really concerned. I only thought maybe the car had broken down or maybe she got lost as we hadnt been to this place before, and her phone had died or whatever. I drove to my parents house as it was just up the street and thought she might have stopped there. I didnt find her there, so I called her mother to ask if she heard anything and she hadnt. MY Dad was home and he was good with cars so I asked him to come with me back down the freeway to see if she was on the side of the road and maybe he could help. We drove back down the route from the restaurant looking for her, and kept going and going and kept getting closer to where we got on, the traffic started to slow up and I really began to get worried, there was obviously a large accident. We were headed east bound to look for her while I had headed west bound to the restaurant, the westbound side was where the accident was. There was a large cement divider in the freeway so you could hardly see anything over the top. Eventually we got closer, I could just barely see a smashed black top of a Jeep, though you could hardly tell it was a jeep. There was a Bus and Big-rig involved in the accident. My dad pulled over next to the cement divider. I was freaking out I knew it was bad. I have never hit anything in my life, ever, not a wall, not my sister as kids, nothing. I broke my dads windshield and his camper trailer, I just wanted something else to hurt. I climbed over the divider screaming, and there was police officers and firetrucks grouped together. No one said anything to me. I didnt have to ask. Thank God she was gone when I got there. I called her mother and had to tell her. I didnt want some impersonal police officer to do it. I wanted to do what I thought Nicole would want me to do, to be the best I could for her family. I still to this day cannot believe this happened. My Jeep blew a front tire and she lost control and was knocked by the truck in front of the bus. I later spoke to a witness who was right behind her. This girl (the witness) was 22, the same age as Nicole. After the accident, the girl ran to the jeep to help her, she said she thought she was fine, as destroyed as the jeep was she was whole and complete. She was still alive at this point. The girl, Jessica, talked with her, held her hand and prayed with her when she realised Nicole couldnt move. Nicole's mother told me her neck broke in the accident from the whiplash. Nicole could still talk though, she said they prayed. And then, my baby girl, started calling for me and kept calling for me over and over and continued untill she passed away. Jessica said it was about 2-3minutes. She kept calling for me and I wasnt there, My Jeep feel apart on her and still she wanted me there. Im falling apart. I miss her so much, I love her, I never said it enough. She was 22, a premed student, wanted to be a doctor and was well on her way. Even though it certainly wasnt necessary, she wanted to get dual majors, one in Bio Chemistry for her Medical future, and one in Math simply because she enjoyed it. I never knew someone could make me that happy. I was so proud of her. And she loved me. Loves me. But I cant help but feel I killed her. I feel as if I took everything from her. And still she wanted me. I dont know how to handle this. I am still waiting on the police report to see if they had anything to say on the matter. I dont know what will happen if it shows it to be something I could prevent. But I know those tires were new, they had less than 6 thousand miles on them, so how did it blow? Its been 67 days since I lost her. And I feel as if its getting worse. I miss her so much, I love her so much. And I cant help but want to hate myself for this. I dont even know why I am writing this, I just need some help or perspective or something. How can you live with something like this? How am I supposed to live without her? I feel desperate and lost.

 
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Old 09-21-2009, 09:49 PM   #2
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Re: I lost my girlfriend and love of my life

What a sad story. I just wanted to send you a hug and let you know someone read and cares.

 
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Old 09-21-2009, 10:07 PM   #3
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Re: I lost my girlfriend and love of my life

Thank you for responding. I am just hurting so much right now. I feel as if I am losing my mind. I have classes starting in 3 days again, I have no Idea how I am supposed to get through the days. I hate every morning that I wake up. As much as I did not know I could love someone so much, I could not fathom I could be hurt this much. And to make it worse, I barely had her for any real length of time, as bad as it is for me I can not imagine her family's pain. She had a younger sister and 2 older brothers. It breaks my heart every time I see her mother, they look very similar. And I know as much as anyone there's absolutely nothing anyone can do to ease the pain, and i wish I could help. But I cant.

 
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Old 09-22-2009, 10:17 AM   #4
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Re: I lost my girlfriend and love of my life

Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt1 View Post
Thank you for responding. I am just hurting so much right now. I feel as if I am losing my mind. I have classes starting in 3 days again, I have no Idea how I am supposed to get through the days. I hate every morning that I wake up. As much as I did not know I could love someone so much, I could not fathom I could be hurt this much. And to make it worse, I barely had her for any real length of time, as bad as it is for me I can not imagine her family's pain. She had a younger sister and 2 older brothers. It breaks my heart every time I see her mother, they look very similar. And I know as much as anyone there's absolutely nothing anyone can do to ease the pain, and i wish I could help. But I cant.
im so sorry. and no there is nothing we can say or do to take the pain away. i lost my only son at the age of 26 through sucidide 10 years ago. i can relate with her mom so well. think of this. you did have her for a short time. its better to have than not to had her at all. thats what iv told myself for 10 years now. also m;y husband pass last Nov. he was the love of my life. my heart just aches for you. you need to talk and more talk, my hubby kept it in for 2 years after our son pass. and he had a break down. so please talk to someone and let this pain. out. dont keep it inside. you are young and you have experience dealth too early . she will always be in your heart honey and no body can take that away from you. please keep in touch and you writing on this board will help you. it has me. take care a friend in North Carolina faye

 
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Old 09-23-2009, 10:12 AM   #5
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Re: I lost my girlfriend and love of my life

Thank you for responding Disney, and I am very sorry for your loss. I am very thankful for the time I had with her and would trade it for nothing in this world, outside of letting her live her life again. I cant believe she's gone. I am trying to let the pain out, but its as if there is a never ending well to draw it from, it's never going to stop hurting. It is very hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. I still sleep with her clothes every night. I have her things scattered all over my apartment. I have her back pack, a lunch pail she took to work, a signed autograph she got from an American Idol contestant she ran into at the airport, and all sorts of other little things. Her mother recently gave me a lock of her hair. I don't know how to get through this. I miss her so much, I love her so much. Thank you for talking to me.

 
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Old 09-23-2009, 03:58 PM   #6
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Re: I lost my girlfriend and love of my life

A very sad story. Always remember the best of times with her. It will take a while to feel better but as time goes on it will get easier. You will never forget and always keep her in your heart, where she belongs. Sleep with her things and do anything that comforts you. God does give you the strength to go on and he must have had a wonderful reason to take her from you so soon.
God Bless

 
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Old 09-27-2009, 07:24 PM   #7
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Re: I lost my girlfriend and love of my life

Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt1 View Post
Thank you for responding Disney, and I am very sorry for your loss. I am very thankful for the time I had with her and would trade it for nothing in this world, outside of letting her live her life again. I cant believe she's gone. I am trying to let the pain out, but its as if there is a never ending well to draw it from, it's never going to stop hurting. It is very hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. I still sleep with her clothes every night. I have her things scattered all over my apartment. I have her back pack, a lunch pail she took to work, a signed autograph she got from an American Idol contestant she ran into at the airport, and all sorts of other little things. Her mother recently gave me a lock of her hair. I don't know how to get through this. I miss her so much, I love her so much. Thank you for talking to me.
checking in with you. i know you are so sad honey. just wish i could do something for you but with losing my son and hubby i know there is nothing i can do for you. my heart goes out to you.

 
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Old 10-01-2009, 03:19 PM   #8
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Re: I lost my girlfriend and love of my life

Faith, Love, Hope, the god of peace will be with you. Phillipians 4:9

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please take comfort in knowing Nicole is in heaven, at peace, and will have everlasting life. I hope you pray, and let god take your pain away.

Just remember, and cherish what you two had together. It sounds amazing, and she sounded like a beautiful, smart, good girl...

God Bless you Matt, take care

 
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Old 02-22-2010, 03:53 PM   #9
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Re: I lost my girlfriend and love of my life

Hi Matt I am so sorry.They say everything happens for a reason.What that reason is i don't know.The same thing happened to my cousin.He was suppose to marry her.They were making wedding plans.The dr said after 2 yrs of cancer he was finally getting better.Until two weeks later he had an annerism went to his brain and died instanly.She goes to a support group weekly.I think in time you will still always feel sad but you will be able to handle it better.You may need to see your Dr and also see a pychologist.Talking to someone does help.Time heals all wounds.You may not think so right now.Keep yourself busy also helps.My prayers go out to you.

 
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Old 02-25-2010, 09:10 PM   #10
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Re: I lost my girlfriend and love of my life

My husband passed away 2 years ago in a car accident. We never did find the cause for the accident. There was a witness. He said he didnt see anyone in the driver seat and then his jeep just started going full speed and crashed into the side of a parked hummer. (we were military and lived on base) Autopsy showed no sign of heart attack, stroke, or anything that would cause him to pass out and crash. He also broke his neck. He was 27 at the time. I dont know why these things happen. At first I was in shock and disbelief. Today I'm at awe. We see all these stories about people surviving things against imeasurable odds. And then we hear the story about the man that fell off of the third rung of a latter, hit his head on the wall on his way down and drowns in the dogs water dish. I think it's just your time when it's time. I dont know if you are religious. I am. And I believe my higher power just saw something special, and it was time. I dont know if that gives you any comfort. But maybe he saw something so special in your nicole, that he just had to have her now. The same way you feel about her. That's the way I like to think about it anyway.
Melissa

P.S. There is something you can do for her mother. Check in on her from time to time.....even long after you are married and have children of your own. It will mean something very special to her. The hardest part for me was about a month later, when people stopped checking in, stopping by, and calling. They went on with their lives.....rightly so....thats what people do. But after a month, I wasnt ready to be so alone. So check in on her, and be there for her.

 
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Old 02-26-2010, 10:18 AM   #11
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Re: I lost my girlfriend and love of my life

Hello. I came across your posting today kinda by accident, but felt compelled to write you. I am so very sorry for your loss.

I too lost someone very dear to me from a sudden heart attack, after a wonderful, memorable weekend spent together, so I feel like I can relate to how you are feeling when someone is taken from you so suddenly and unexpected. It's hard to deal with all of the "why's?" you are asking yourself right now.

I don't believe you ever mentioned anything in your posts about your spirituality. If you believe in the power of the Lord, I urge you to pray to Him and ask Him to help you through this. He will. He never gives us more than we can handle. I'm sure right now you're really doubting that statement, but it is so very true.

Rejoice in the fact that you had finally gotten' to know and love Nicole the way you had always wanted to, and that she too had grown to love you. You got to learn what love is and feels like. Be thankful for the fact that she was happy at the time of her death.

I agree with another post, if you feel compelled to, then yes, you should continue to try to stay in her mother's life in some way. Your future girlfriends and wife should understand that......and yes, there will be others in your future.

Like another post said, it's hard to understand why God does the things that he does, but it's all part of His plan. It was suppose to happen the way that it did that day, and you are suppose to still be here on Earth because He has more work and learning for you to do here on Earth.

It is absolutely normal and OK for you to grieve and have these feelings of dispair. However, in time, you need to begin to go on with your life and be the wonderful man she knew you could be. You need go on and live the honorable, productive, and happy life that she would WANT you to. Ask for the Lord's help with this...

Take Care..





I

 
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Old 05-24-2010, 01:38 AM   #12
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Re: I lost my girlfriend and love of my life

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I do not really know how to start, I guess I should start with Nicole. We met in a college math class a little over a year and a half ago now. We became friends and I was interested in her from the beginning but unfortunately she was already seeing someone at the time. The semester ended and we drifted our ways until this February we found ourselves sharing another math class, differential equations this time. I saw her the first day of class and was happy and excited to see her again, I remember thinking to myself "She's still probably seeing someone else" but I decided I wanted to enjoy her company anyhow and sat next to her and said hello. Soon as class fell underway we began doing homework together in a group of friends and then eventually just ourselves together and I learned she was available and had ended her previous relationship over winter break. Armed with that knowledge we soon began dating in the month of April. I had never found someone that I had ever connected with so much and so quickly, and I do not say this simply because of the grief, I remember lying next to her and being amazed that I could feel so much for a person. I had never encountered something like this before. I had never been that happy before, and the best part was knowing how happy I could make her. We talked so much I racked up over a 200$ phone bill in May and had to change my plan so I could add her for unlimited talking. Never once did I not enjoy talking to her I loved it every time, I was always excited to talk to her, I remember her asking if she called too much and from that point I tried to make sure I called more often so she didn't feel that way. I was so happy. We made out a bucket list to finish this summer and had plans to try a 3day cruise at the end of August to finish out the summer. Neither of us had ever been on a cruise and it sounded like a great time. On July 16th I "surprised" ( I tried anyhow) her at her work, brought her favorite flowers (sunflowers), and a poem which I began to write on her car with an expo marker, (something I would do while school was in session was leave her little notes on her car). She saw me from her office window and caught me in the middle of writing the poem across the window of her car. She had gotten back from the field (She worked for the forestry department) early it was only about 3:15 and she usually didnt make it back until 4-4:30. After mocking my efforts, she brought me into her work and introduced me to some of her coworkers and we chatted for a bit while she finished up some last minute work and then took a shower at the office. That was our 3 month anniversary date. It was about 3:55 when we left the office and agreed to get some sushi for dinner before she went to meet her mother for a cake baking class she was taking. It was just up the street maybe 15minutes or so. We walked out towards the parking lot and she asked to drive my car, I had a Jeep Liberty and it was typical when we were driving both cars for her to want to drive mine. As usual I tossed her the keys, and we got on our way. She called me as we were driving out on the surface street to tease me, that was the last time I spoke to her, I just laughed and said goodbye and turned onto the freeway. A few minutes on the freeway I kept looking in my rear view mirror knowing I should see her behind me. I typically drive faster than her and I knew she got stopped by the light but I still thought I should see her behind me. I shrugged and kept driving to the sushi restaurant. I arrived at about 4:25 and waited for her. After waiting 10minutes or so I tried to call her and got no answer, and then sent her a a text at 4:37 asking what was up. 4:42 I sent another text to please call me. So I called her twice more and left a couple messages. It was very unlike her to not answer her phone. I thought she might have left her phone in her car, so I called the phone while searching the car and found nothing. I waited maybe another 30-45minutes after that and I began to get really concerned. I only thought maybe the car had broken down or maybe she got lost as we hadnt been to this place before, and her phone had died or whatever. I drove to my parents house as it was just up the street and thought she might have stopped there. I didnt find her there, so I called her mother to ask if she heard anything and she hadnt. MY Dad was home and he was good with cars so I asked him to come with me back down the freeway to see if she was on the side of the road and maybe he could help. We drove back down the route from the restaurant looking for her, and kept going and going and kept getting closer to where we got on, the traffic started to slow up and I really began to get worried, there was obviously a large accident. We were headed east bound to look for her while I had headed west bound to the restaurant, the westbound side was where the accident was. There was a large cement divider in the freeway so you could hardly see anything over the top. Eventually we got closer, I could just barely see a smashed black top of a Jeep, though you could hardly tell it was a jeep. There was a Bus and Big-rig involved in the accident. My dad pulled over next to the cement divider. I was freaking out I knew it was bad. I have never hit anything in my life, ever, not a wall, not my sister as kids, nothing. I broke my dads windshield and his camper trailer, I just wanted something else to hurt. I climbed over the divider screaming, and there was police officers and firetrucks grouped together. No one said anything to me. I didnt have to ask. Thank God she was gone when I got there. I called her mother and had to tell her. I didnt want some impersonal police officer to do it. I wanted to do what I thought Nicole would want me to do, to be the best I could for her family. I still to this day cannot believe this happened. My Jeep blew a front tire and she lost control and was knocked by the truck in front of the bus. I later spoke to a witness who was right behind her. This girl (the witness) was 22, the same age as Nicole. After the accident, the girl ran to the jeep to help her, she said she thought she was fine, as destroyed as the jeep was she was whole and complete. She was still alive at this point. The girl, Jessica, talked with her, held her hand and prayed with her when she realised Nicole couldnt move. Nicole's mother told me her neck broke in the accident from the whiplash. Nicole could still talk though, she said they prayed. And then, my baby girl, started calling for me and kept calling for me over and over and continued untill she passed away. Jessica said it was about 2-3minutes. She kept calling for me and I wasnt there, My Jeep feel apart on her and still she wanted me there. Im falling apart. I miss her so much, I love her, I never said it enough. She was 22, a premed student, wanted to be a doctor and was well on her way. Even though it certainly wasnt necessary, she wanted to get dual majors, one in Bio Chemistry for her Medical future, and one in Math simply because she enjoyed it. I never knew someone could make me that happy. I was so proud of her. And she loved me. Loves me. But I cant help but feel I killed her. I feel as if I took everything from her. And still she wanted me. I dont know how to handle this. I am still waiting on the police report to see if they had anything to say on the matter. I dont know what will happen if it shows it to be something I could prevent. But I know those tires were new, they had less than 6 thousand miles on them, so how did it blow? Its been 67 days since I lost her. And I feel as if its getting worse. I miss her so much, I love her so much. And I cant help but want to hate myself for this. I dont even know why I am writing this, I just need some help or perspective or something. How can you live with something like this? How am I supposed to live without her? I feel desperate and lost.

Hey Matt, I have just read your post and your love story with Nicole and ill tell you it is one of the saddest stories ive ever heard!! I wanted to reply to this thread just to see how you are doing. I know I am a stranger but I believe we all need someone to talk to once in a while, to have someone that cares to check up on us. I dont know why this happened but just try to be happy and think about how much she loves you, not loved but loves b/c I know she is watching you down from heaven missing, thinking and caring about you. Whether you find somebody else or not like her, always know that she brought a beautiful meaning to your life. I came across this b/c my gf of 4 yrs has just broken up with me a few hours ago and I feel really depressed I just googled i lost my gf, and your story came up. However your situation is far more sad than mine and I feel for you man, and just know that its not your fault, who knows why that happened with the car. I hope your doing a bit better and I wish you my deepest condolence and sympathy and for sure keep checking in with her family from time to time. Take care buddy

 
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Old 05-25-2010, 06:01 PM   #13
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Re: I lost my girlfriend and love of my life

Hi Matt,
this is a terribly sad story, I am so sorry for your loss, I also lost the love of my life, on April 6, suddenly to pancreatic cancer in 3 weeks, we were together from when we were 16 to now 60, he was me and I was him we were one, it is very hard to go on, but we don't have any choice. we have to take one day at a time,
I wish you the best
Karen

 
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Old 05-26-2010, 12:34 AM   #14
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coarse HB User
Re: I lost my girlfriend and love of my life

I am so sorry for your loss Matt, I was in tears while reading that, I wish you the best of luck in the future!

 
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Old 08-11-2010, 07:09 PM   #15
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Re: I lost my girlfriend and love of my life

Matt I lost my son in 2007 and before he died I told him how bad of a driver he was,I also told him when you have that awful werck (hoping to slow him down)I hpoe you die and not an annicent mother daddy or child right after that was the wreck and I lost him.I feel so bad for saying that to him,I know he knows I love him,I was just trying to scare him,so I know how you feel about giving her your keys.I`ve learned that when your time is up it`s just up,God has awsome plans for her in Heaven and one day you`ll see her again,just keep your heart right with God.P.S I was mad at God for along time now I`m just mad for what I said to my son.

 
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