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Old 09-22-2009, 08:42 AM   #1
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Missantsypants HB User
Mum and Dad both have cancer...early grief?

Hi, New to this so here goes....my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer in Feb 2009 and had a radical prostectomy in April, which didn't go well (though they think they got all the cancer out). He ended up in ICU with complications, and was in hospital for a month. He starts radiotherapy in 6 weeks. Just two weeks ago my mum was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML). She has just finished her first round of 24/7 chemo and will be in hospital for another 2 weeks before coming home for a week and then going back to hospital for another 4 weeks, to do another chemo round. I don't know what the future holds for either of them. My mum is 57 and my dad 63. I feel so sad, and so angry about the unfairness of this. At least one parent with cancer wouldn't be so bad...but both? Also, one thing that has really disappointed me, is that since my mums diagnosis 2 weeks ago, I haven't heard from any of my extended family...and that includes my god mother who my parents are still really close to, and I thought I was kinda close to. My dad has 3 brothers, all married and all with grown up kids, my mum has 5 sibling, all with kids - but I haven't heard from anyone. Also a friend I have had for 33 years (all my life) hasn't contacted me either. She has a 2.5yo with cerebal palsy (quite bad) and I was a support to her when the baby was born, and often emailed, texted, phoned, visited hospital etc, but nothing from her now, when both my parents are sick. And that's not to mention other people who I thought were friends, who I haven't heard from. Am I expecting too much - other people have their lives to lead, am I being self centered to think they would contact me? I need some perspective here!! I just don't know what to think. Am I grieving now for the death to come of my parents, am I grieving for the support I haven't received? I guess I feel overwhelmed by all this, and I don't know how to do this. I don't know..any words of advice?

Last edited by Missantsypants; 09-22-2009 at 08:45 AM. Reason: adding info

 
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Old 09-22-2009, 04:53 PM   #2
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thisworld HB User
Re: Mum and Dad both have cancer...early grief?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Missantsypants View Post
Hi, New to this so here goes....my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer in Feb 2009 and had a radical prostectomy in April, which didn't go well (though they think they got all the cancer out). He ended up in ICU with complications, and was in hospital for a month. He starts radiotherapy in 6 weeks. Just two weeks ago my mum was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML). She has just finished her first round of 24/7 chemo and will be in hospital for another 2 weeks before coming home for a week and then going back to hospital for another 4 weeks, to do another chemo round. I don't know what the future holds for either of them. My mum is 57 and my dad 63. I feel so sad, and so angry about the unfairness of this. At least one parent with cancer wouldn't be so bad...but both? Also, one thing that has really disappointed me, is that since my mums diagnosis 2 weeks ago, I haven't heard from any of my extended family...and that includes my god mother who my parents are still really close to, and I thought I was kinda close to. My dad has 3 brothers, all married and all with grown up kids, my mum has 5 sibling, all with kids - but I haven't heard from anyone. Also a friend I have had for 33 years (all my life) hasn't contacted me either. She has a 2.5yo with cerebal palsy (quite bad) and I was a support to her when the baby was born, and often emailed, texted, phoned, visited hospital etc, but nothing from her now, when both my parents are sick. And that's not to mention other people who I thought were friends, who I haven't heard from. Am I expecting too much - other people have their lives to lead, am I being self centered to think they would contact me? I need some perspective here!! I just don't know what to think. Am I grieving now for the death to come of my parents, am I grieving for the support I haven't received? I guess I feel overwhelmed by all this, and I don't know how to do this. I don't know..any words of advice?
sweetie right now im to emotional reading your post. I will try to talk to you tomorrow. just wanted you to know someone does care. disney world faye:wa ve:

 
Old 09-22-2009, 08:28 PM   #3
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sirJohn HB User
Re: Mum and Dad both have cancer...early grief?

You are in a lot of emotional turmoil. During times like these, having a lot of close family members and true friends who will stand with you means a lot.

Unfortunatly, many people don't know how to deal with terminal illness. They don't know what to say to the terminally ill, and they don't know how to comfort and support the loved ones being left behind. Because this is an extremely awkward situation for your relatives and friends, maybe each thinks that someone else is already doing what they themselves need to do: that is, being there for your mum, dad, and you.

Although you shouldn't have to be the one to break the ice, maybe you could be the one to write or call family members, informing them of the situation, and letting them know how much it would mean to your mum, dad and you, if they would visit.

Find out at the hospital if there are any grief support groups that you can participate in.

Take care, and God bless you. He knows your pain.

sirjohn

 
Old 09-23-2009, 06:12 AM   #4
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thisworld HB User
Re: Mum and Dad both have cancer...early grief?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sirJohn View Post
You are in a lot of emotional turmoil. During times like these, having a lot of close family members and true friends who will stand with you means a lot.

Unfortunatly, many people don't know how to deal with terminal illness. They don't know what to say to the terminally ill, and they don't know how to comfort and support the loved ones being left behind. Because this is an extremely awkward situation for your relatives and friends, maybe each thinks that someone else is already doing what they themselves need to do: that is, being there for your mum, dad, and you.

Although you shouldn't have to be the one to break the ice, maybe you could be the one to write or call family members, informing them of the situation, and letting them know how much it would mean to your mum, dad and you, if they would visit.

Find out at the hospital if there are any grief support groups that you can participate in.

Take care, and God bless you. He knows your pain.

sirjohn
yes sirjohn, i understand what you are saying. but people dont have to say anything. they can just be there for her. i lost a son and heard this too many times. i know when i hear bad things going down with people. i go and just hug there necks and smile. also never do anything for people and expect anything in return. set example here about your friend. i lost my husband last Nov. and my best friend of 20 years turn her back on me. she is so self-center person. its like my attention wasnt on her now. i had to take care of my husband. do what sirjohn saids. you step up to the plate here. and say hey i need your support. you shouldnt have too. but you dont need to be alone here. your parents are way too young for this. also stay on this board. it help me after my husband pass. there are people out there that cares. when my son pass. people i thought was friends turn out not to be. poor excuse to me and saying i dont know what to say. also people will send cards alot to clear their consious. saying hey i did send a card. i had a friend that push away after her son died. but i never gave up on her. but alot of people did. how selfish is that. i also get tired of people saying i just been so busy. you are never too busy to pick up the phone when someone is dealing with what you are now. wish i could be there for you. post me anytime. love faye

 
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